To be upset about partner's kids pregnancy?

[He2508]

I'm 41 and my fiancé is 46, have been together for 2 years. We both have kids from previous marriages - mine 10 & 15, his 20 & 22. All girls!! We are expecting our own surprise miracle baby (another girl!) in July! The older 2 don't live with us but we all have a good relationship. My fiancé is a widow - the girls lost their mum when they were 10 & 12. I've never tried to take place of their mum but have always supported them and helped them whenever they've come to me for help or advice.
His 20 year old came to me mid-January because she'd just found out she was pregnant. The father was a hookup and she'd just started seeing someone else, who didn't want to help bring up a child that wasn't his. She didn't have a job and was nowhere near settled so decided to have an abortion. I didn't try and sway her decision either way - it's her body, her life, her decision. I made sure she fully understood the decision she was making. I supported her throughout it, including sending her money to help support her with no job, whilst dealing with my pregnancy.
She's just announced to me that she's pregnant again with her now boyfriend's baby, not much longer than a month since her abortion. I didn't react with excitement she was expecting so she sent me a huge message saying I'm jealous and upset that she'll be taking the attention from me and my baby. That's absolutely not the case. I'm more concerned for her and her wellbeing - physically and mentally. She has been messaging an ex boyfriend and telling me she's still in love with him and is quite emotionally immature. She still has no job, not long had an abortion and has kind of put my emotions and stress levels to the test with supporting her through everything over the past couple of months.
AIBU to not be excited about all of this? Should I just put my concerns aside and continue to support her decisions?

If the boyfriend situation doesn’t work out for her, your partner will be playing nursemaid to his grandchild every weekend. His choice, but you might resent it.

Like I said, sheer curiosity.

OP says she understands the impact on the older girls having lost a parent, I’m wondering if she also considers the impacts on her daughters of potentially going from living with mummy and daddy to living with mummy and mummy’s boyfriend and a new baby sibling in such a short period of time.

@OliveTapenade I have been divorced from my girls dad for 8 years. Their dad was abusive towards me. Whilst my youngest has no recollection of how her dad treated me they both had therapy. They haven't been dragged from relationship to relationship and I have always provided a stable home for them. Including now, which the majority seem to disagree on, being that I met a man and dared to move in with him.

God it sounds tricky but I think the desire to be a mum yourself when you’ve lost your own mum young is often strong. Trying to replicate that incredible relationship. Sounds like she’s doesn’t really realise what is ahead though.

In another thread, you split from your ex in 2021 and met your boyfriend in Feb 2023 so you’ve been with him now for just over a year.

Anyway, I actually don’t care so opting out of this thread now but keep an eye out on your girls, OP. They’ve been through a lot.

@StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips
@EmilyTjP
She wasn't upset by the pregnancy itself. Both of his girls are actually happy that their dad has found someone after so much time alone. It was comments made about something else, unrelated. Still hurtful.
Neither he nor I have jumped from relationship to relationship. And all of our girls have always been well supported and considered first.

God, I really hope that's not true, what a bloody mess if it is.

This is heartbreaking if true. 💔

What do you mean ‘in the circumstances?’ What circumstance was the OP in that makes you surprised that she’s decided to have a baby? I’d really like to hear your response as I don’t understand your post…

You’re pregnant, she’s pregnant, you’ve only been together two years, your girls are only ten and 15… does seem a bit chaotic.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. You have only been around for 2 years. You need to step back leave this for her dad and boyfriend.

Oh wait. Your other thread:

He2508 · 07/11/2023 23:27

Hi all! I already have 2 beautiful girls (10 & 15). I split with my husband (their dad) 2 years ago after he cheated on me. I started dating my now boyfriend (46) in February and we have an amazing relationship. He is a widower with 2 girls (20 & 22). I was going to say we’ve been taking things slow (in terms of coming together as a family) but, well I’ve just found out I’m pregnant! So that’s not very slow I guess lol.

Yeah, it seems a lot chaotic.

Oh dear op, fudging timings to make yourself sound amazing and thoughtful and sensible while making on as though your dps daughter is daft and making mistakes and being immature.....

At least she doesn't have any other kids to consider, I think you should probably concentrate on the chaos and upset you're creating in your own life rather than judging her.

This is a shitshow waiting to happen.

Lets face it, none of this is ideal, is it? But it is what it is.

You've been with your partner for just over a year - not 2 years as you originally put on this thread. So in a matter of months, you got pregnant. Accidents can happen, at times, but I do feel its quite difficult to GET pregnant if using a contraceptive effectively and using plan B when in any doubt. I wouldnt like to think a baby was planned within months of meeting someone when families are not even blended yet.

In which case, when all is said and done on the above, can you really judge your partner's daughter, if you have been slacking on your contraceptives as well?

Does the father know about the abortion?

Are we sure that she maybe didnt go ahead with the abortion and is now trying to get her new man to claim responsibility?

Even then, the two questions above are irrelevant as she is an adult and doesnt live in your home, you have known her for one year and she can make her own decisions. She has her father to support her.

You can smile, say "oh thats great news!" But in terms of involvement, I would stay away and let her father take the reigns from now on.

People do realise that a LOT of posters alter details to decrease the chances of them being ‘outed’ IRL right? Sometimes my children are 1 and 2 and sometimes they’re 4 and 5. Sometimes I have 2 kids and sometimes I have 3. Posters do tend to amend minor details (and name change frequently) for this very reason.

Anyway OP, I personally don’t see the problem. You’re an adult and if you’re having a child with someone you’ve been with only a short while, that’s your choice. None of us know how long you’ve known this person so it’s not for anyone to judge. As for your partners daughter, it’d be great if she could stop relying on you so much for support. It seems that that may never happen. In that caae, you smile, go along with things and try to remain as uninvolved as possible

Why shouldn’t she be peeved? OP has publicly patted herself on the back for being supportive of the girl and how she believes it’s “her body her choice” but the moment the girl made a decision OP disagreed with, OP made it very clear she’s actually only supportive when she thinks someone has made the “correct” choice.

Whether, in the OP’s opinion, the girl should be having a baby or not is beside the point. A woman has announced her pregnancy and instead of getting the normal, polite response, has had this most special moment ruined by someone turning her nose up at her unborn child.

OP, pull your shit together, stop making this about yourself, remember that your opinion on someone else’s life is literally irrelevant, and slap a smile on your face. This is a baby you’re talking about and this woman will never forgive you or forget if you put a downer on her pregnancy. If you want a relationship with her and this child, seriously don’t continue down this path

Surprised she got pregnant again so quickly after a termination, if she actually did terminate. Seems a bit fishy to me

Not really your concern. I'd keep out of it.

Stay clear of this. No matter what you say it will be wrong. For what it's worth I agree 100% with you. This is a train wreck.

That must be pretty awkward to become a step grand mother & a new mother at the same time. Are you feeling awkward imagining your partner as a grandfather too? I am wondering if she will need a lot of support and be bringing baby around a lot, especially as she doesn’t have a mother.

It's not your concern.

And it's not very responsible to be pregnant with a man you've only been with a couple of years when you already have children to consider so it's pot calling kettle black.

I would be concerned that she will want (need) to come and live with you some time down the track when she has broken up with her boyfriend and has a small baby!

The circumstances being other posts (you can search them) by the OP saying she got together with her partner in February 2023 so the reality is that they have been together a few days over a year, and she is already pregnant. I’m not sure at all why you don’t understand so can only assume you are being facetious.

My feeling is that she probably didn't have abortion, just told her boyfriend that she did as he said he wouldn't bring up another man's child.
If she has only been with him 1 month, it's unlikely for her to have a detectable pregnancy, as hormones don't rise enough post conception to be detectable until about 2-3 weeks post egg fertilisation. And we are only fertile 3-4 days in a month, so they would have had to conceived in first week together, when would have likely been still bleeding post termination.
Also, if she had a chemical termination (pills rather than operation) the advice is not to conceive for 6 months as the medication used can cause genetic abnormalities and it depletes bodies supply of folic acid, which makes spinal cord abnormalities much more likely.

Don't be surprised when this baby is 'premature'. And 'large for gestational age'. Will be interesting to see if boyfriend attends the scans, as the sonographer will say how many weeks baby is

Good luck, you are in for a rocky road ahead when he likely finds out its not his, and regardless of her behaviour towards you (which is not ok) she will need a lot of support. You sound very caring and like you will help her, bit I hope you can find time and space to focus on your pregnancy too x

Do you really think I click on a post, read the OP, search the OP’s username and previous posts and then come back to read/reply to the comments? I don’t have time for that.

I read the post and saw your comment which was on the first page. How on earth were you to know about previous posts unless you ran straight to the advanced search after reading the OP? That’s incredibly jobless behaviour