To be upset about partner's kids pregnancy?

[He2508]

I'm 41 and my fiancé is 46, have been together for 2 years. We both have kids from previous marriages - mine 10 & 15, his 20 & 22. All girls!! We are expecting our own surprise miracle baby (another girl!) in July! The older 2 don't live with us but we all have a good relationship. My fiancé is a widow - the girls lost their mum when they were 10 & 12. I've never tried to take place of their mum but have always supported them and helped them whenever they've come to me for help or advice.
His 20 year old came to me mid-January because she'd just found out she was pregnant. The father was a hookup and she'd just started seeing someone else, who didn't want to help bring up a child that wasn't his. She didn't have a job and was nowhere near settled so decided to have an abortion. I didn't try and sway her decision either way - it's her body, her life, her decision. I made sure she fully understood the decision she was making. I supported her throughout it, including sending her money to help support her with no job, whilst dealing with my pregnancy.
She's just announced to me that she's pregnant again with her now boyfriend's baby, not much longer than a month since her abortion. I didn't react with excitement she was expecting so she sent me a huge message saying I'm jealous and upset that she'll be taking the attention from me and my baby. That's absolutely not the case. I'm more concerned for her and her wellbeing - physically and mentally. She has been messaging an ex boyfriend and telling me she's still in love with him and is quite emotionally immature. She still has no job, not long had an abortion and has kind of put my emotions and stress levels to the test with supporting her through everything over the past couple of months.
AIBU to not be excited about all of this? Should I just put my concerns aside and continue to support her decisions?

Thank you so much for your sound advice, it is much appreciated.

How rude

How's your partner reacting to it?

I was certainly immature at 20 😂 and I would say 80% of the ones that I have encountered since are too.

Did you inadvertently pressure her to get the abortion, OP?

Absolutely not. It was 100% her decision and I said absolutely nothing to sway her decision.

You’re not unreasonable OP. I would struggle with that too. I am very pro choice but to abort a baby so you can pick another father and then what is she going to do when that relationship falters. It’s a shit show.

I'd be rather worried about the practicalities here. If she's got no job and no stable partner then where is she going to live with the baby and what will they live on?

I'd be a bit worried she's going to end up back home with dad and you'll have two babies in the house, as well as her and your two girls. I think I'd want to know what the plan is here before getting married

How would you have felt if she was miffed that her dad got you pregnant, what? a year and a half after starting a relationship, with a pre teen and a teen and 2 adults in the mix as well.

I imagine you would find it pretty hurtful.

She's looking for support right now from you, not judgement. It's her dad's place to express any concerns he has.

You can express your thoughts to him privately of you need to, but right now she's in a difficult place and needs support and someone to listen to her.

Just leave her to it, it’s her situation to deal with but don’t get roped into playing mother to her baby as well as your own! She might very well try to get you to babysit once she realizes she won’t have as much freedom anymore

Personally, I would just stay out of it. I agree with others when they say you’ve only been in her life 2 years, although you seem supportive I wouldn’t try and get too involved.
you’ve tried to be there and look where it’s got you, you’re being called jealous and upset etc.

You’ve got your own life and children to worry about x

It was hurtful because it happened. But I'm an adult and was understanding that her upbringing has been very different. So I didn't say anything about it and let it go.
Being in a relationship for 2 years and having a baby seems like a short time. It has never been a relationship that was rushed in to and all 4 children have always been considered every step of the way.
I feel that I have given her plenty of support and I didn't reply to her announcement with any judgment whatsoever. Just concern. Which I think is appropriate given the circumstances.

2 years is no time, you've literally met his dds and him yours moved in together and blended and are having a baby.

Her pregnancy certainly doesn’t sounds ideal. However, she’s an adult so all you can do is support your boyfriend in supporting her.

The whole thing sounds like a mess, to be fair. Losing a mother at such formative ages will have impacted these young women. You’re now pregnant and trying to play happy families in a very, very short relationship which will also impact your daughters.

The length of our relationship has never been an issue to any one involved.

Knowing how hurtful it was why did you do the same to her?

She may very well be traumatised due to your pregnancy and this is the response, she could be trying to bond, she could be trying to make sure she's just as important to her dad, she could have just had the realisation that her Mum won't be there when she has kids so freaked out..... there are a million reasons why this could be happening and none of them come from a place where she is happy and secure.

If she came to you happy about the pregnancy it's a real kick in the teeth to her to be met with 'concern' from you, any type of concern should be expressed by her dad. All you needed to do was say congrats and ask how she is.

Not trying to play anything. All involved are genuinely happy.
I'm well aware of the effect that losing their mum has had on them.

Except it has, his dd, according to your own recollection of how she was when you announced your pregnancy.

How is your boyfriend reacting?

Where is her father in all this?

Is he excited to be a grandfather? How does he feel?

As for the short time period I think you are being incredibly naive especially given how his dd has reacted.

I was wondering this

Out of sheer curiosity, how long before meeting your boyfriend did you divorce from your daughters’ dad?

Sounds like your girls have been through a lot of upheaval in the past couple of years.

Bloody hell, she’s 20! Not 12! I’m sure she could be happy for her dad meeting someone new and having a new sibling 10 whole years after her mother died.
I don’t know why so many posters think they know best about OP’s relationship.

How is that relevant to this at all?

Op says herself that the dd was upset when they announced the pregnancy, so there obviously is some negative feelings there.