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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about DSs friend subsiding their trip

88 replies

LizLooo · 13/03/2024 18:03

DS is 18, he's in sixth form, due to go to uni next year to study accounting and finance. He has 3 main friends at school, he does socialise with more but 3 are his core friends, 2 girls, 1 guy.

One of DSs friends parents passed away when they were younger. From what I can tell they were left a sizeable inheritance and some was earmarked for travel. This friend and DS had been friends since about Y8.

DS hasn't worked through school. He had a job in the summer after his GCSEs and continued it a little into Y12 but his mental health was declining. I felt it was too much to be at school 8.30-3.15, then study groups, then homework, plus sports and socialising. I didn't feel like he should have to be spending the equivalent of a full time job at work or school so young. Since then we give him an allowance and he focuses on his studies. We are all happy with this.

This summer his 3 friends and him want to travel Europe. The friend with the sizeable inheritance has said she will cover hostels, so they can stay somewhere a little nicer and go to more expensive cities. DS would just need flights and inter-rail pass plus spending money then. He had money in his child trust fund account that he can use for this.

However I'm concerned, that the friend who is subsidising the trip is going to take control or feel entitled to call the shoots and DS may not have as good of a time. I'm also worried the friend may resent it and it cause issues in the group more widely. I know the friend is a nice person but I'm still concerned.

AIBU to want to recommend to DS he only does what he can personally afford, even if that means half the trip or similar? Or do you think it's fine for his friend to subsidise the trip?

OP posts:
Wayk · 13/03/2024 18:06

Personally no way would I allow this. I would give him the money if I could afford it. She will not be long going through her inheritance if she spends her money on others.

Octavia64 · 13/03/2024 18:12

Hmm.

These sort of trips often have complicated dynamics but it won't necessarily be the one with the money who imposes her will on the group.

My DS went to Amsterdam with friends at a similar age (yes I know) and within 24 hours was really hacked off with one of his male friends for just being an arse.

Personally I'd let him go, more for the life experience than anything else. If she wants to spend her money on that let her.

Dacadactyl · 13/03/2024 18:12

I would also be really uncomfortable about this.

I don't think it's right for an 18 yo to subsidise her friends and if I was her mum I'd be cross if I found out about it.

While it's kind of her, i doubt shes thought thru the long term implications of her blowing some of her cash this way.

Berlinlover · 13/03/2024 18:51

Dacadactyl · 13/03/2024 18:12

I would also be really uncomfortable about this.

I don't think it's right for an 18 yo to subsidise her friends and if I was her mum I'd be cross if I found out about it.

While it's kind of her, i doubt shes thought thru the long term implications of her blowing some of her cash this way.

Her parents are dead.

Dacadactyl · 13/03/2024 18:57

@Berlinlover didn't realise both of them were dead but I see OP does say it in the first post.

Even more reason I wouldn't want my child to take advantage of this kind offer. If DH and I were dead I'd not want my child to fund her friends in this way.

44PumpLane · 13/03/2024 18:59

I'm astounded that your concern around the situation seems to be that you're worried that your son won't have as good an experience if someone else is paying his way!!!

I think my concern would be that a young woman who has lost her parents isn't being given enough parental style advice to not piss all her money away subsidising her mates on a jolly!!!

You should tell him to do what he can afford, or help him with the trip fund if that's something you can afford and want to do.

CharmedCult · 13/03/2024 19:00

I would not allow DS to let his friend pay for this trip, especially not from an inheritance.

And it’s nothing to do with the dynamics or who takes control or calls the shots on the trip.

He or you need to pay for it. He can only participate in the bits he or you can afford.

Littlebitpsycho · 13/03/2024 19:03

CharmedCult · 13/03/2024 19:00

I would not allow DS to let his friend pay for this trip, especially not from an inheritance.

And it’s nothing to do with the dynamics or who takes control or calls the shots on the trip.

He or you need to pay for it. He can only participate in the bits he or you can afford.

Edited

Agree with this

dreadisabaddog · 13/03/2024 19:04

I'm more concerned for the girl who would be paying than your son. He has time to save up a lot and you could maybe help too. It's completely inappropriate for him to be paid for by a friend, no matter how the offer came about

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 13/03/2024 19:04

As per pp's I would be more concerned about her spending her inheritance on others. It is likely she has no safety net other than this. I think your concerns should be primarily with this not whether your son will have a bad time.

SilverFishcake · 13/03/2024 19:05

No way she should be subsiding the trip. Plus let’s be honest howmany friends from school do you still have? I have 2 but many people I know don’t have any.

I wouldn't worry about her calling the shots.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 13/03/2024 19:06

You are worried your son wouldn't have as much fun on a free holiday, than one he paid for himself?

Not concerned about the sponging,just his fun?

Some people really are CFs.

2023NEWMUM2023 · 13/03/2024 19:09

The girl's inheritance should be for her travel dreams not her friends. DS should pay his own way 100%

DrJoanAllenby · 13/03/2024 19:14

If they have an argument or something happens and she's the only source of money and can't access it then it all goes tits up.

The friendship dynamic will change if they are beholden to her.

NineofPopes · 13/03/2024 19:17

I wouldn’t have an issue with it, personally, but like a pp, think it’s weird that your concern is that your son might not have as much fun if his friend is paying for accommodation! It’s not your call, ultimately, but I think you should advise DS to have a very frank and specific conversation with everyone going on the trip about exactly what the friend is going to pay for, itinerary, decision-making, what happens if there’s a difference of opinion, how much is being pre-booked etc.

CharmedCult · 13/03/2024 19:18

Having re-read your OP I’m actually quite shocked that your only concern is that the friend might take control and your DS might not enjoy the holiday.

No concerns at all about your son sponging off a vulnerable (wealthy) young woman?

NineofPopes · 13/03/2024 19:19

2023NEWMUM2023 · 13/03/2024 19:09

The girl's inheritance should be for her travel dreams not her friends. DS should pay his own way 100%

Her travel dream is presumably that she wants to interrail with her close friends, but equally doesn’t want to get bed bugs from sleeping in doorways, and is prepared to pay extra so she doesn’t have to.

Anoisagusaris · 13/03/2024 19:19

What’s the relevance of the course your son will be studying?

Pippa12 · 13/03/2024 19:20

Please encourage your son not to take money from a young girl like this- she will regret it in later life. Your son should be taught he needs to pay his way- not rely on others (misplaced) generosity and vulnerability.

Im sure if her parents were alive she would be advised that this was a terrible idea.

Onelifeonly · 13/03/2024 19:21

I agree it would be better for them all to fund themselves. This friend has a lifetime ahead of her to spend her inheritance on travel and whatever else - education, a home etc. She doesn't need to spend a sizeable amount at this age. Maybe she isn't getting good financial advice and doesnt realise the implications? It makes it more equitable if everyone pays their way anyway.

Mummame222 · 13/03/2024 19:22

No. The inheritance was left to her. I would never let someone spend their inheritance on my child. Particularly at just 18 when she’s not grown enough to know just how much that money might come in use one day.

IgoogledYOLO · 13/03/2024 19:23

He's 18: leave him to it.
He can learn his own lessons and have his own experiences.

NineofPopes · 13/03/2024 19:28

Pippa12 · 13/03/2024 19:20

Please encourage your son not to take money from a young girl like this- she will regret it in later life. Your son should be taught he needs to pay his way- not rely on others (misplaced) generosity and vulnerability.

Im sure if her parents were alive she would be advised that this was a terrible idea.

If her parents were alive she wouldn’t have all this money. As it is, her friends are probably more important to her because of lacking parents. If she wants to have one glorious summer pootling around Europe with her friends because they may all be splitting up for university, and wants to fund slightly nicer accommodation than they could otherwise afford, then that’s her call, surely?

I lived for a couple of years in the beautiful house of a student friend who’d inherited it at 18 when both his parents died in very sad, messy circumstances (n the house). To some I was taking advantage of a vulnerable young man, but from his POV, it made th8ng more bearable at a difficult time.

Thepossibility · 13/03/2024 19:36

44PumpLane · 13/03/2024 18:59

I'm astounded that your concern around the situation seems to be that you're worried that your son won't have as good an experience if someone else is paying his way!!!

I think my concern would be that a young woman who has lost her parents isn't being given enough parental style advice to not piss all her money away subsidising her mates on a jolly!!!

You should tell him to do what he can afford, or help him with the trip fund if that's something you can afford and want to do.

Edited

I agree with this. I was a bit open mouthed reading this. You're so worried about your own little darling when they are all actually taking advantage of an orphan.

NanooCov · 13/03/2024 19:47

I wouldn't have an issue with this personally. And something worth considering is that as an 18 year old female she would probably feel more comfortable travelling in the company of her male friends rather than solo so if she chooses to subsidise part of the cost of the holiday to enable this, I personally think it's a sensible strategy

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