Worried about DSs friend subsiding their trip

[LizLooo]

DS is 18, he's in sixth form, due to go to uni next year to study accounting and finance. He has 3 main friends at school, he does socialise with more but 3 are his core friends, 2 girls, 1 guy.

One of DSs friends parents passed away when they were younger. From what I can tell they were left a sizeable inheritance and some was earmarked for travel. This friend and DS had been friends since about Y8.

DS hasn't worked through school. He had a job in the summer after his GCSEs and continued it a little into Y12 but his mental health was declining. I felt it was too much to be at school 8.30-3.15, then study groups, then homework, plus sports and socialising. I didn't feel like he should have to be spending the equivalent of a full time job at work or school so young. Since then we give him an allowance and he focuses on his studies. We are all happy with this.

This summer his 3 friends and him want to travel Europe. The friend with the sizeable inheritance has said she will cover hostels, so they can stay somewhere a little nicer and go to more expensive cities. DS would just need flights and inter-rail pass plus spending money then. He had money in his child trust fund account that he can use for this.

However I'm concerned, that the friend who is subsidising the trip is going to take control or feel entitled to call the shoots and DS may not have as good of a time. I'm also worried the friend may resent it and it cause issues in the group more widely. I know the friend is a nice person but I'm still concerned.

AIBU to want to recommend to DS he only does what he can personally afford, even if that means half the trip or similar? Or do you think it's fine for his friend to subsidise the trip?

This is what I was thinking.

He’s a sponger.

This 100%

YAB incredibly U , as a parent, knowing that this young girl has lost a parent, as is paying for friends' holidays rather than getting advice about investing it for something more tangible in the future

Wow. Just wow.

I'm not sure it's as clear cut as some pp's are making it out to be.

I do agree with you, OP, that I'd be advising my DS to cut his cloth accordingly. Not necessarily because I think the friend subsidising the trip means they get to call the shots, but because between a group of friends the dynamic can be off if they are not paying their own way, because it's a life lesson in living within (and travelling within) your own means.

If the friend is absolutely stinking rich loaded and subsidising the trip for the friend's won't make the tiniest impact on her inheritance, then I'd be less concerned about DS taking advantage. But if there is a more limited pot that will make a difference to her future life (house deposits, university fees etc etc) then I wouldn't be comfortable with her giving my son a few thousand pounds of hotel costs.

You sound completely awful with no conscience. Nearly all replies are astounded that you're more worried about your little darling you've totally glossed over them which just cements the type of person you are.

Either he gets a job, and if you're ruling that out (which is a luxury most teens don't have) perhaps you should put your hand in your pocket!

perhaps you should put your hand in your pocket!

I agree. No way ever would I let a friend of my child subsidise their holiday.

You are also teaching him it's o.k. to freeload off other people. It never is!

Zombie. Or, at the very least the OP’s son is probably already on his extended European trip with his friend.

OP ignore all the other posters who are calling you names for daring to entertain someone spending their money how they wish

I suspect if you had left the friend's gender ambiguous, or it had been a male friend, replies wouldn't be so harsh because it's not a male friend "taking advantage" of a young woman who can only ever be a victim.

She isn't paying for the whole trip. Friends are all contributing towards the trip by paying for flights and train travel. Presumably will also be paying for food, trips etc too as part of the "spending money"

She's doing a nice thing by using the money EARMARKED FOR TRAVEL to treat her friends to slightly nicer hotels (which as parents you should be glad of as it should be a bit safer too). She clearly will have plenty left if she has solo travel plans later as well.

Sizeable probably means she has already sectioned some off for uni fees/housing/savings.

She's 18, wanting to have fun with her friends and enjoy the money she inherited under awful circumstances!

Travelling with friends, however, can put a lot of strain on a friendship. You suddenly discover all the differences you have on things like food preferences, how you time your day, visits you prioritise etc. It can work, it can not.

My advice is make sure he has enough money to fly back early if things go wrong and to cover a room for a night if needed. Also let him know he can call you at any time and, if you can, let him know you will sub him some money for return flights etc if something terrible happens.

OP if your son was an orphan would you want your som spending his inheritance on a holiday for his mates to go on?
Exacty, no way of course not.

Why on earth does this seem ok to any adult or young person involved. Surely this is a spoof thread.

He has the rest of his life to save up for a holiday rather than sponging off an orphan. Disgusting.

It appears a lot of thought has been given to sport but none at all to instilling morals.

If Mumsnet were a person it would have some kind of multiple personality disorder. Any thread that is ever posted about Shamima Begum is overwhelmingly filled with people claiming that there is no way she was groomed, at 15 she knew what she was doing....etc etc. This young lady wants to spend a few quid on her friends and having a great holiday and suddenly she must be vulnerable and in need of guidance. Seriously, this forum is utterly bizarre. OP, your sons friend is 18, wants to have a nice holiday with her mates, the people calling you and your son names have lost the plot. Let them get on with their holiday plans, it's fine.

I agree. I'm really taken aback by the coddling of this young adult. In my world he'd be getting a job or cutting his cloth accordingly. Not being covered by a friend's inheritance.

Got to admit, the whole thread is a slightly surreal, and yeah agree with most, "pay your own way is fairest", but it is 3am and @NineofPopes posts have made me laugh for being such obvious wind up bait for mumsnetters, yet with so few takers...

Maybe she wants to have a trip like this but isn’t confident enough to do it alone, or wants to enjoy the company of these friends. If you can afford to help your son with the costs of a trip do it, if you can’t maybe it’s ok for this girl to subsidise it a bit, as it will increase her own enjoyment.

No wonder he's such a sponger with a parent like you. They always play a sport as well so can't possible get a job

I would be less worried about the friend calling the shots and impeding your son’s enjoyment than I would about her burning through her inheritance to subsidise a friend who is more than capable of funding his own way.

I think you would be right to tell your son that it’s morally dubious to accept this offer and to insist that they all pay their own way and cut their cloth accordingly.

I don't in principle think it's wrong to share costs, but in this case the friend is very vulnerable and it's wasteful to pick expensive cities for the sake of it. They can visit those for weekends in their 20s. I would want to speak to the girl and counsel her not to waste her inheritance on others. They could all fly to Asia and have an amazing, much cheaper, long trip.

You think you're helping DS by letting him not work, but you're very wrong sadly. All of them should get jobs to earn some money for this; it's so important for their later careers that they can point to any part time work they did, and they can grow working life skills in a safe environment where little slip ups don't matter.

I think some of your concerns are valid but they're 18 now, they need to learn for themselves. They'll be fine. They can come home early if need be.

Going travelling together will be a test of friendships regardless of the money situation. Parents need to back away a little.

No, the son should get a part time job!

Yanbu. That poor child has lost both her parents and wants to spend her money on her friends. No. That money is hers. Your DS pays his own way but not for the reason you say but to protect a vulnerable child's money.

Not all teems can get jobs! My DS has applied for tons including cleaning, bar work, supermarkets, steward etc. In parts of London it seems to be particularly hard as for every kid there's a bunch of adults also applying who have work experience

This. If they’re such good friends don’t you have any concern for her? Can’t you have her round for tea and help her think it through?

why didn’t you contribute to bills and pay for wine?

Sorry, your claim is that there isn't bar / restaurant / cleaning work in London? Are you quite insane? Have you not even attempted to open job boards or even look around with your own etes?

Your DS needs to get some help with his interview skills, sign up to agencies and take a bus. It will not help him to be enabled by a parent mindlessly agreeing with him that there are no jobs.

This.