Worried about DSs friend subsiding their trip

[LizLooo]

DS is 18, he's in sixth form, due to go to uni next year to study accounting and finance. He has 3 main friends at school, he does socialise with more but 3 are his core friends, 2 girls, 1 guy.

One of DSs friends parents passed away when they were younger. From what I can tell they were left a sizeable inheritance and some was earmarked for travel. This friend and DS had been friends since about Y8.

DS hasn't worked through school. He had a job in the summer after his GCSEs and continued it a little into Y12 but his mental health was declining. I felt it was too much to be at school 8.30-3.15, then study groups, then homework, plus sports and socialising. I didn't feel like he should have to be spending the equivalent of a full time job at work or school so young. Since then we give him an allowance and he focuses on his studies. We are all happy with this.

This summer his 3 friends and him want to travel Europe. The friend with the sizeable inheritance has said she will cover hostels, so they can stay somewhere a little nicer and go to more expensive cities. DS would just need flights and inter-rail pass plus spending money then. He had money in his child trust fund account that he can use for this.

However I'm concerned, that the friend who is subsidising the trip is going to take control or feel entitled to call the shoots and DS may not have as good of a time. I'm also worried the friend may resent it and it cause issues in the group more widely. I know the friend is a nice person but I'm still concerned.

AIBU to want to recommend to DS he only does what he can personally afford, even if that means half the trip or similar? Or do you think it's fine for his friend to subsidise the trip?

If it was me, I'd want my child who was orphaned at a young age and therefore suffered a terrible event at an age they shouldn't have to face death that close to home to then spend the money they got from said terrible experience on something that made them happy....

So long as they have some left to then set themselves up, if they want to spend some making happy memories with the friends who've supported them through this awful experience.

I'd also be hugely offended if, as the friend in this situation, one of my friend's mothers came around to "sit me down and give me a talk". It would infantilise me, make me feel a "poor, little orphan girl has no parents so must need me to tell her how to spend her own money" and just generally feel insulting.

And this.

He needs a job. You are curtailing his opportunities and life experience but him not having one. My DD manages to compete at a very high level, trains 3x a week, competes at weekends all around the country and manages a job. All this alongside a-levels which I suspect will be similar as she wants to do a very similar course as your DS. You just need to show your son how to manage his time.

No, you should not be allowing anyone, especially a bereaved friend, to be paying your sons way in this manner. Either you or he pays, or you face the reality that you/he cannot afford it. Chalk it up to the first of many life experiences your son misses out on due to you not enabling him to get a job.

Fwiw my son was the person who inherited money and he paid for 2 friends when they all went to America.
10 years on he and 2 friends are planning another trip somewhere else and he's paying for one.
He didn't call the shots , that's not his nature.
The particular circumstances are that son is only child , single, lives at home , works, has v v few social expenses because he's a gamer.
If this is how he sees a bit of the world , I'm happy. The 3 of them are firm friends (2 male,1 female) and compliment eachother.
Everyone's circumstances differ. It works for them.

Travelling, being young with your friends ,negotiating differences, is an investment in growing up -priceless. Money well spent .
Let him go.

Thanks for mumsnetsplaining

I haven't agreed with him and nor have I enabled or done anything about his job seeking. That's for him to do and I have just encouraged him to keep going.

Yes he's done job boards and all of that. It's just quite difficult as a 17 year old and he and his local friends have had no luck

I find it a bit odd your more concerned about her behaviour than your son free loading of a girl one who’s parents had to die to get her money.

Have a word with yourself AND your son.

If he can’t afford it he doesn’t go

Thisoldheartofmine, these are different, irrelevant circumstances.

I’m sorry there’s been a bereavement but you’re here to guide your young adult son with your adult wisdom and knowledge of the world , whereas this teenager has lost both her parents. You are content that your son can afford it, whereas OP doesn’t know what her financial situation is. You have full adult oversight over the friendship dynamics in the situation. Who knows what’s going on in the other scenario.

Gnome had good advice to OP:

No, you should not be allowing anyone, especially a bereaved friend, to be paying your sons way in this manner. Either you or he pays, or you face the reality that you/he cannot afford it. Chalk it up to the first of many life experiences your son misses out on due to you not enabling him to get a job.

CurrentHun - yes ,different circumstances .That's why I said "Everyone's circumstances differ."Point is ,it's not always a bad idea.
And people reading the thread might be interested to know that sometimes ,it's ok .

OK fair enough, apologies Thisoldheart and point taken. I’m glad it’s worked out well in your case.

I also know someone who blew a (grandparents’) inheritance in their late teens. They went abroad for longer and more lavishly than OP seems to suggest, following a sport internationally that they were all really into as teenagers. The relationships were fine at the time and for a few years after and obviously they had a total, ridiculous extravagant blast for a few weeks.

But the friendships didn’t need to have had that crazy once in a lifetime experience to have survived, they could have done much more minor things together and still had loads of fun.

The person with the inheritance had no ability as a teenager to think more into the future and keep any financial cushion back for hard times, they weren’t otherwise from a wealthy family. This was all done with parental blessing which became an issue later on.
The friends are not really in touch with each other now as adults and I don’t know if the person who spent their inheritance feels regret.

OP ignore all the other posters who are calling you names for daring to entertain someone spending their money how they wish

What exactly is the point of asking "Mumsnet" for opinions, if you then ignore the majority of answers ?

I suspect if you had left the friend's gender ambiguous, or it had been a male friend, replies wouldn't be so harsh because it's not a male friend "taking advantage" of a young woman who can only ever be a victim.

Don't be ridiculous.
I my dc of either sex were throwing away ££ that couldn't be replaced on subsidising a holiday for friends, I sincerely hope one of the adults close to them talked some sense into them.

Money can always be replaced. Maybe not as easily as it came by originally but it can be

Missed opportunities will always remain missed

Then put your hand in your pocket and pay for your freeloading CF of a son.
You should have spent more time instilling morals and less on his 'sport'.

What stuck out for me is that the OP thought her son would have a negative experience because some one was paying for him to go on holiday.

Rather than thinking - my son needs to start earning some cash so he can keep up with his mates. It’s embarrassing she wants him to keep his sports up so other people can fund his life style.

Cock lodger fledgling