To feel 22 hours a week at work is too much?

[EnglishHamlet]

I have 2 DC both in primary school.
1 has diagnosed SEN which requires a lot of input from me, the other has undiagnosed stuff going on which causes a lot of behaviour, mental and emotional input from me.
They both attend primary school full/normal days. They'd actually both benefit emotionally from a reduced timetable but Head Teacher says they don't fit the criteria for that as they're both high functioning. Anyway that's another story.
I work 22 hours a week during school hours.
It really feels like too much. I'm under constant strain and pressure. It's really full on at home and it's really full on at work.
I keep trying to do my best, keep thinking I'm lucky to work 22 hours and not full time hours.
DH works ridiculously long hours. He gets home hours later than his contracted time to finish due to immense workload which is never going to improve.
So I do everything re looking after the DC and everything at home too re domestic stuff.
By the time DH gets home they're fast asleep in bed, I've done all homework with DC, taken them to the park, cooked dinner, bathed them, read stories to them, settled them to sleep, then after their bedtime I've done the housework and tidied up everywhere by myself, put laundry away etc., and this is after having got up at 6am to get DC ready for school, breakfast, packed lunches, taken them to school then gone straight to work straight after drrop off to do a highly demanding job whilst DC are at school then finish and go straight to school to pick DC up. By the time DH walks in at 9pm I'm absolutely frazzled. He walks in and I haven't stopped since 6am. I have 1 day off a week and spend it sorting things out at home, laundry, cleaning, life admin, etc.
Can't reduce hours as we need the money. All the late evenings DH does are unpaid, he gets his salary (middle earner) and is expected to do the job no matter how long that takes, his workload is colossal.
So AIBU to feel like 22 hours a week of work is too much? I feel like I'm being such a princess even asking this question. But I'm burning out!!!
Edited for typos.

Agree with everyone else that the main issue is with your husband. He needs better boundaries. Unless he is choosing to let you believe he has no choice but to stay late and avoid all the chores at home…

There is no middle ranking job in the NHS where you really need to work hours overtime every day. Don’t believe his excuses. Maybe he is incredible diligent and worrries about patient safety but it’s not his problem to solve alone whilst letting his family suffer.

I even would consider splitting up. You will get DLA, UC, maintenance; he will have to have the DC regularly. You don't see him anyways in this setup. it's not much of a marriage anyways. You are already a lone parent. if you go solo, DC will see their dad much more as he will have them some of the time and you will get proper regular breaks. I know a few people who left marriages in such setups and ended up better off. Maybe not financially but they finally got out of the hamster wheel which meant a huge improvement in their well-being.

Split up? They might actually love each other!

You do more than 22 hours given the domestic load you take on, I’d venture to say you work longer hours than your H but don’t get the recognition because the domestic workload is often overlooked.

You are not being unreasonable to feel frazzled, but if you look back at what you write you will see that it is not your 22 hour a week job that is the cause of this. It is the fact that you spend all your other waking hours managing a household, including all the cooking, cleaning and admin, alongside also bringing up two children who demand a lot of your emotional and physical energy.

You say you can’t drop your hours and, even if you did, I suspect the mountain of other things you do would absorb all of that. If it’s any consolation, what you describe is the lot of many women up and down the country, some without a loving husband and father in their lives.

I don’t think you are looking for solutions, just for validation. But if you want suggestions, then I recommend you find a way of having a weekend away with just your husband or a few days away during the week to go on a sort of retreat or you carve out some time for yourself for an activity for you and get a babysitter. All of these can be tricky to arrange, so if you can’t, remember the kids will grow up and become more independent in time. You are doing a fab job being their Mum - the most important job in the world.

The situation you describe reflects many people's lives; the constant juggling of work/home/caring for children. As hard as it is, I think 22 hours is reasonable. I raised my child on my own so always had to work full time, part time wasn't an option. Getting up very early, using childminders and after school clubs was the norm. Plus, you have one day a week away from work although I appreciate it is taken up by family duties. Please don't think I am being insensitive to your plight, I am not. I agree with the reviewing of your husband's excessive unpaid overtime. I work for the NHS and can empathise with the need to work past scheduled working times. However, the danger is that it can become a habit; it should be the exception rather than the norm

It's possible to get DLA without a diagnosis, I've done it in the past on the basis of the child being having been referred.

Just as well, really, with the length of the waits for a CAMHS assessment, they'll be adults by the time they get one. (Friend's son was referred in the last year of primary, and was 16 before he got assessed.)

Your husband’s workload is a huge part of the problem, obviously. Getting home at 9pm every day when you have young children is ridiculous, even if it is common in some industries.

6am seems an early start if you’re working school hours and driving to work though. I’m assuming you’re not a teacher, so what time do you start? Do you think you’d feel a bit better if you had more sleep? I’m assuming if they’re young enough that you bathe them then they might be entitled to free school meals- would they eat those to save you having to make packed lunches? I would also be inclined to not give them a bath every night in order to save some time and have one less job to do, unless there’s a reason you feel that’s very important.

To be honest it feels like a reasonable number of hours with two children at school.

But that doesn’t mean you aren’t tired and have too much on your plate but it’s not just your job to sort this stuff.

I am lucky - I have two children with SEN (both have EHCPS) and work 25-30 hours per week but DH is equal partner and we earn enough to buy in help.

If we didn’t have some help I’d be broken (prior threads show how close I’ve been to breaking point) so I know it’s tough.

So you need to find a way to bring in more money. Do your kids get DLA? Can you get a better paid job? Can your DH move trusts for better conditions? Move into a private provider?

If you don’t change something nothing will change.

What country are you living in where the judge can enforcement a father to see his child? Do not spread such misinformation talk about veering off topic!

I suggest using your one day off a week to do things only for yourself, eg go into town, swim, gym, cinema or whatever you love doing. The chores you missed that day can be done by dh

You do less, husband does more (at home). Simple.

You clearly need a break but like others I agree the issue is DH's job. He needs to work his hours and no more. I have learnt the hard way that you can burn yourself out trying to bail out a sinking ship but a) you can't fix it by yourself and b) if you keep just about propping the system up no one with the power to actually fix it will because until it collapses they can ignore the problem.

Also why do you only get one day off pw?

Having worked shifts in the NHS when the workload has been hideous and short-staffed, rarely have I gotten out of work late or missed a break. Patient safety comes first, and that means staff need to get the breaks/finish when they are supposed to or get paid for it.

Exhausting yourself working continuous UNPAID overtime is NOT patient safety. Patients need fresh staff, not someone who's working over what they should and getting themselves frazzled. Your husband should probably be reporting above his management, HR and whistle blowing to the CQC.

What would happen if he stopped working extra? He is getting absolutely no benefit from it so he either needs to stop doing it and put his family first, or find another job..

That's what part of the problem is. Your husband is not supporting your family's needs at home as he is working extra as he is concerned about other people's safety.

If you still don't think that your husbands job is the problem, let's flip it:

Are you willing to work more than your 22 hours, not be paid for it and not support your family at home? Your work are short-staffed and unable to safely care for employees and service users. You stay late everyday yet nothing improves or changes. You don't get paid, you don't see your family, your family are falling apart yet you still give your life to your workplace with no gain.

A single parent would be expected by law to work 30 hours and have the same childcare and housework and admin to do.

It is definitely too much. All humans need rest, leisure time, time for their own personal hygiene and health and exercise.

Working all hours when not looking after children leaves no time for essentials.

Well to answer just this - no, you are not being unreasonable to feel like 22 hours is too much.
I know what you mean about ‘but I used to work full time’, but now you have a different set of circumstances. Namely, two DC who need you a lot, and a DH who isn’t there!

I actually have 1 child, in nursery 3 days, I work 22.5 hours those 3 days, also a long hours DH, and I also feel absolutely frazzled, especially on work days !!

if you can cut your hours, I would do so with no guilt. If you can’t, then it’s difficult. Can you drop your housework standards further ? I say further cause I’m sure with 2 you’ve already dropped them from pre DC days

I have two kids with SEN, one not diagnosed until age 14, and a husband with a "big job". You are playing on hard mode, so don't compare yourself to other mothers / parents with children without SEN, it is not the same at all.

However, coming home at 9pm for a job that doesn't pay $$$$$ is unreasonable in my view.

Apart from the husband work issue I think you need to cut yourself a break and not stress about the house stuff and trying to cram all this in every day. Some days the kids can have sandwiches for dinner, you can let the dust build up a little or the floor go unhoovered for a day or two. so many women put so much pressure on themselves to do everything when half of it is based on expectations (from your upbringing, society, media bit hopefully not your husband) and not what actually needs to be done. Your job and your kids matter more. Letting go of the other expectations has been the best thing I have ever done, even if the laundry builds up a bit for the weekend it is better than feeling burned out day to day. Hang in their OP

Working 22 hrs per week is a luxury. You said it's during school hours, so I assume spread somewhat evenly over 5 days? That would be 4-5 hours per day. That sounds very cushy, especially as your kids are in school.
I'm confused how you said you only have 1 day off per week, but you only work 22 hrs and those are in school hours?

You need to show this to your DH

Hi OP

I could have written your post except I am a full-time student and it's so hard. Like you, I have one diagnosed and one awaiting assessment... I relate to a lot in your post. I also do a lot of housework / life admin / child life admin and it's exhausting. I have started to ask my DH to do little things like take the bins out. It's not much but every little helps.

Also agree with others on this post who have asked - do you get any respite? Any holiday clubs etc for SEN in your area? When I discovered our local charity for SEN families I was so relieved... I also highly recommend joining some SEN parenting Facebook groups just so you have somewhere to post sometimes when it all gets too much.

You sound like a fantastic Mum. Please try to look after yourself as much as you can. Sometimes I just sneak off into the kitchen for a cuppa whilst keeping half an ear open to what the kids are up to.

Take care of yourself. It's a tough gig.

Big hugs xx

My children’s disabilities have no relevance to this post.
Even with fully able children, if my husband was working lots of free overtime each night whilst I struggled with burnout at home and he refused to even cut back on time at work that would be the issue at hand.

I’m an NHS employee with ND kids. One in receipt of DLA with an EHCP since she was 9. I have found the NHS to be very supportive. They don’t want to lose my years of experience. I know of many SEN parents in the NHS, some in senior roles including my own manager. Has your DH actually told his managers he has SEN children and that has unpaid overtime is detrimental to the family? There are so many staff shortages I would have thought he could move to a different organisation if his conditions are so poor where he is.

Exactly. It’s NHS so they can’t just fire him. He needs to get it all formally raised in writing, stop being a mug for them spending free time there. If something happens it’s not on him