I don’t want to do this any more

[Namechangeforthiss]

I have 2 children. One in reception one is 11 months.

I am the most stressed and miserable I have ever been in my life, and have been since the youngest turned 4 months.

The house is a mess no matter how much I clean and tidy. It rains all day every day so going anywhere is fucking impossible (90% of the kids stuff here is outdoors and the rest is expensive). The kids just cry, tantrum, fight sleep, follow me around, the oldest nags me senseless and just talks at me 24/7.

The baby had his settling in at nursery last week and is already ill and on antibiotics. I have my first day back at work tomorrow and fuck knows if I’ll even be able to go. Probably not. DP took parental leave last week when he was ill so I could run some essential errands and go to a meeting. So I guess tomorrow will be on me.

I don’t sleep. The baby wakes constantly and is up for the day at 5-6am. It’s worse now he’s unwell.

I just don’t want to do any of this any more. I don’t feel cut out to be a parent. My emotional reserves are at an all time low, I’m impatient, shouty and stressed all the time, not to mention exhausted.

To stave off the inevitable suggestions I have nobody I can ask to watch them. We’ve tried sleep training. I don’t want to ‘lower my standards’ because who wants a crawling baby on a dirty floor or mess everywhere? What exactly am I supposed to neglect - clean clothes, clean crockery, clean floors, clean bedding?

DP pulls his weight but it’s not enough. We’re both constantly dealing with the kids or cleaning up after them.

I just want to close my eyes and not wake up a lot of the time.

Sending solidarity also op, DS is 2.7 now and has never been a good sleeper. He still doesn’t sleep through the night and he is sick all the time from nursery. I work full time and it is just rubbish. I know I’m supposed to be super grateful and lucky but it’s been so hard that I can’t risk having another baby.
I don’t have any good advice but i do agree that going out even in the rain helps me.

You sound like you have a sense of humour, you sound bored and we all understand that feeling.
I agree that you need a total break , and my friends who went back to work said it was easier than being a SAHM

I would recommend a walk to feed ducks /a long walk anywhere with the <1 year old and a buggy board for sibling.
Choose a flat route.
Make it fun to get rained on then look forward to going home and make them both a warm chocolate with marshmallows (they can decorate it themselves)

Fresh air will tire them more.

Library visits.
Cat cafe.
Pet shops.
Groups that are cheap like a toddler group. The children would love it even if you feel out of place initially,the social aspect is beneficial.

Research for a daytime babysitter online even a few hours a week regularly, would help , but it's not affordable for everyone.

I haven't read all your replies but I agree see the GP and explain your feelings.

Those people who have co-slept....can you reassure OP what age the children want to sleep in their own room again eventually...I think it would help her to know why this would help because having less bed space can equally be irritating.
I do think the children will sleep better by the sound of it if they bedshare but I've never done it personally.
See a GP asap offload to them👍🏻

I have recommended a book and an old programme by a woman called The Baby Whisperer by parents who followed her advice. I've mentioned it twice on this post. I do hope that this mum looks for it and your recommendation. Of course it's difficult but it is possible for babies and toddlers to sleep well.

Have you considered allergy testing for the youngest? My first thought when you described his sleep was that you were feeding him to sleep and he felt he was constantly waking looking for milk again (like mine did) but if he can put himself to sleep in a cot then there’s no obvious reason he shouldn’t be able to do longer stretches. He might have allergies that cause discomfort at night or even mild sleep apnea.

subscribe to the Nanny Louenna app, check out her routines and advice. This app changed my life for the better.

Good luck OP x

Co sleeping really doesn’t stop children waking up. Unfortunately I can confirm this

Anyway I hear you OP. I do think that while people mean to be kind they sometimes focus on the minutiae in posts like this hence ‘put them in tights’ but it’s overall exhaustion and non stop treadmill through the day and the night. I am there too, mine are three and eight months. The eight month old doesn’t nap and wakes in the night, the three year old never stops talking and it’s a constant stream of nonsense, the house is a tip and I’m worn out.

This sounds really tough.

Could You afford a cleaner? If not I've been using the organised mum method and I seem to spend less time cleaning but have a cleaner house so worth looking in too.

Regarding sleep - could you and DH split the night in two? For example you go to bed as soon as baby does then he's responsible for him the first half of the night and then your responsible for him the second half of the night while DH sleeps. That way your both getting a period of uninterrupted sleep?

A bit harsh. It won't solve the sleep issues but the tights thing might make going out easier. If you don't find that useful then move on. Saved me getting judged though.

Hello OP. This was me a year ago. I was so tired I would vomit. Dizzy spells in the street. Feeling like I just couldn't go on.

I tried sleep training my baby and we had many setbacks. My husband eventually took charge of it when the baby was around 16 months and by then she was ready to be sleep trained. Yours may not be yet. I work full time with two other children, 3 including the baby, and I was at the end of my tether. My house was also a mess and life was getting on top of me.

Baby is now 2 and has been sleeping very well for around 6 months now. Life is so much better. I feel rested and can face the challenges that life as a working mother can throw. I know this isn't much use but things will get bebetteri was that soldier and am out the other side...you will come through it too. Hang in there. It feels brutal at the time but now feels like a distant memory. Keep going; youre doing a great job x

It isn’t an attempt to be harsh. I recognise people want to be helpful, but I suppose the point is life with very young children (especially if they are crap sleepers) is hard.

I have tried various things - cleaners (more stress than it’s worth) sleep training (worked but solved night wakes for 530 get ups) working part time, it’s just hard. It just is. And I hear that.

Morning all.

Im really grateful for the advice and am taking it on board but PP was right, this was really just a moan thread about the stress of the overall situation. I can absolutely do smaller things to make my life slightly easier but essentially even with a cleaner the house will be a tip the next day, nobody can get up with sick/wakeful children bar DP and me, and trying to fit in all of my obligations to a satisfactory standard is frankly impossible.

Just a case of ploughing on through I guess. Nothing else to be done.

DS slept from 7-4 but then was awake for the day at 4am today and I am off on a training day 2 hours away.

You need some sleep, urgently.

Your baby is going for a decent length between feeds at night but 4am is too early for you to start the day.

Your DH could start waking the baby at 10.30/11pm and giving him a bottle. It doesn’t need to be a big one, even just a top up. Then change him and settle him back down.

Your DH then sleeps until 7am, for example. This means that he gets a full nights sleep all week (you pop into bed early at the moment, even if it’s 8/9pm - you need to catch up one way or the other, your DH will have a full nights sleep so he can sort evening things)

At the weekend, you swap. You stay up for late wake and feed and your DH goes to bed - but then you sleep until at least 7am and he deals with any waking before that.

When you have a bit more sleep you will be able to see straight again and the world might seem quite different.

Moan all you want. Ignore the "children are a blessing" posters. Having said that, I had a non-sleeping DS, went to every doctor with no solution, and eventually he grew out of it, aged about 2-ish. You will come out the other side.

I look at photos of me when my kids were that age and I don’t recognise myself. I certainly don’t recall looking that way but by God I haven’t forgotten how I felt. Exactly as you describe. There was one point where I actually thought I was loosing my mind. I also remember that burning resentment at seeing other people who had Mum’s or childminders or friends to share the load with.

Just wanted to come on and say this is probably the hardest it will ever get. Mine are both at school now and it is easier. Slowly but surely my house looks less of a shit hole. My sleep has improved and I look like a different person.

Hang in there.

Op I'm sorry you're going through this. 💐💐

I've been there and it does get better!

Sounds like you need a weekend to yourself. Is there any way DP or other family members can accommodate this?

I disagree with PP about you letting the house get dirty. No matter how much you tidy up, laundry and clutter is never ending at this point.

Just remember your youngest will be in nursery soon, and then reception before you know it! Time does fly, it may not feel like that right now but it does.

I think it's very important you share how you're feeling with DP, and ask him to start pulling his weight. Because otherwise keeping it bottled in is going to end up bad for everyone.

My health visitor suggested to me that my husband and I did shifts - so I would go to bed at 9pm and he would deal with babies up until 1am so at least I got a solid 4 hours sleep every night. That really helped us 💐.

Just want to chime in that I felt exactly the same. I simply couldn't cope, and it did cause so much strain and stress that it ruined our marriage. I still look at childless couples/people in their 20s who literally have no idea or understanding of the freedom and lack of responsibility they have. And most waste it. I wasted it. People don't understand the sleep deprivation. My husband didn't even get it and he was in the house with me and witnessed my daily life. He had no real compassion. You do not stop. You do not rest.

As others have said - in other cultures across the world Co-sleeping until 5 or so is entirely normal. Japan is one of those. I wish I'd accepted it earlier instead of trying to keep fighting it.

Massively reduce the stuff in the house, seriously. I wish I'd known about minimalism much earlier. It truly helps. Instagram @thebartahouse talks about this in relation to motherhood. Stop buying anything through these years and use the money for cleaners, ready prepped food, quality vitamins for you and the kids. Find a lovely mother's help/babysitter and use money on that and don't feel guilty.

I once read on here that you should be around your kids only as much as you can be a good mother to them or something like that - so do not feel guilty about removing yourself from the house as much as you need to. I've had nights away on my own in hotels, started to solo travel for a few days at a time etc etc This will be possible once the baby is older. I also had to accept that I couldn't work full time as I have to have that time in the week alone in the house to catch up with no demands on me.

You are going to have to make choices that support you. I feel like motherhood is water off a ducks back to some, and others feel like you and me. We need to be almost like athletes to get through it...and what I mean by that is we need to massively keep on top of our nutrition, exercise, mindset etc. I recently came across @tessaromero_ whose whole account centres on the mindset you need to thrive in motherhood. I found quite a lot of her reels spark something in me to maintain positivity. Might be worth a look.

Lots of people will say 'it's fine as it'll get easier in a couple of years' etc. Yes, in some ways it does. Your children may sleep by then. Or they may not. Personally I'd advise you to get every possible strategy and option for help in place NOW, really focus on that, as I still have a wakeful child at age 8, I don't have an evening as both kids go to sleep at earliest 9 for youngest and 10 for oldest. I'm still taking plenty of unpaid parental leave for sickness and getting sick from their bugs myself. It's an absolute struggle juggling everything and financially it's all such a strain with the cost of living. Plus the homework and stresses of managing screens and mobile phones etc. Every chapter has its own challenges. I still don't sleep enough and I still don't have much free time or energy.

Good luck. I hope you find your way forward and out of this. You have my greatest sympathies.

One more thing - sleep consultants can be really good. We had great success with one and it often works until they get ill again and you have to start from scratch. But make sure you use a gentle one who uses gentle strategies focusing on routines etc rather than cry it out. Our friends have just used one and also had great success within a few days.

I recall trying to Gina Ford or Ferberise DS. Didn't work. He threw up so much I thought he would choke. I just took him into my bed after that; it is part of my culture. Even then he was a lousy sleeper, but better. He is a strapping 19-year-old who makes me dinner now. I wish I had known back then that everything would come ok.

Men don't get it, really, try as they might. You need a supportive group of other mums in the same stage.

Sleep deprivation is brutal. All of it is hard work and 10x worse when you just want to go to sleep. Everyone tells you to sod the housework but honestly the house being a shit tip just made my mental health worse.

Going back to work helped because it was a break. Can you book any annual leave? I found once I was back at work I could use some annual leave and still send DC to nursery so I had some free days to blitz the house, sleep and batch cook. Then once I was on top of it all it was easier to maintain. So yes I was still knackered but the house looked nice and I didn't have to cook tea.

Mine is still not the best sleeper at nearly 2 though, so I've no advice for that really. Do you have a spare room? Me and DH do alternate nights in the spare room when things are particularly dire sleep wise. One of is "on duty" with DS and the other has a night sleeping in the spare bed, then we swap the next night. So you at least get to sleep every other night. Solidarity with you though, the sleep deprivation has broken me numerous times x

Not helpful, apologies, but I knew I wasn't cut out to be a parent at 13. Now 44, same.
Wise MNetters say it does get easy, OP.
💐

Her DC are already here, so I don't know how that helps. She can hardly send them back. Sleep deprivation is a tiny part of the parenting journey. OP, do not catastrophise your whole life based on these years.

Mine are now 12 and 15 and I felt the same when they were little. It does ease, you're at the worst bit. You need to enter survival mode and not lower standards but survive - what ever that looks like for you. Might not feel like it now but you may feel better once you're back at work. Hang in there x

The tights idea -(for boys or girl babies )

If it solves the problem for now yes love it!
I used the sock-ons and they were brilliant.
I hope the training day was a break for you and went well.
The fact you got to it was a big deal 👏🏻