I don’t want to do this any more

[Namechangeforthiss]

I have 2 children. One in reception one is 11 months.

I am the most stressed and miserable I have ever been in my life, and have been since the youngest turned 4 months.

The house is a mess no matter how much I clean and tidy. It rains all day every day so going anywhere is fucking impossible (90% of the kids stuff here is outdoors and the rest is expensive). The kids just cry, tantrum, fight sleep, follow me around, the oldest nags me senseless and just talks at me 24/7.

The baby had his settling in at nursery last week and is already ill and on antibiotics. I have my first day back at work tomorrow and fuck knows if I’ll even be able to go. Probably not. DP took parental leave last week when he was ill so I could run some essential errands and go to a meeting. So I guess tomorrow will be on me.

I don’t sleep. The baby wakes constantly and is up for the day at 5-6am. It’s worse now he’s unwell.

I just don’t want to do any of this any more. I don’t feel cut out to be a parent. My emotional reserves are at an all time low, I’m impatient, shouty and stressed all the time, not to mention exhausted.

To stave off the inevitable suggestions I have nobody I can ask to watch them. We’ve tried sleep training. I don’t want to ‘lower my standards’ because who wants a crawling baby on a dirty floor or mess everywhere? What exactly am I supposed to neglect - clean clothes, clean crockery, clean floors, clean bedding?

DP pulls his weight but it’s not enough. We’re both constantly dealing with the kids or cleaning up after them.

I just want to close my eyes and not wake up a lot of the time.

3 hours in the afternoon? You dont know you’re born, sorry.

Put him in a sling and walk around.

He’s 25lb and it’s constantly raining. It might break the day up for half an hour, but it doesn’t solve the sleep issue, doesn’t solve anything really.

Sounds to me like you need some anti-depressants. See your GP. If you haven't had them before I promise they will change your life. Everything will seem clearer and brighter and a lot less hopeless. You permanent irritability at your children will fade away and you'll start to feel on the mend within days. You might only need them for a short while, just to get you over this hump. Not sleeping properly is a massive marker for PND.

Have a really radical declutter. If you aren't ready to get rid of loads of stuff then could you stretch to a small storage unit for six months or so? Take things out and pack them away seasonally, as required. You'll be amazed at how much you don't miss 50% of the stuff that is currently cluttering up your life when it's out of reach. Living a much more streamlined existence for a while will be a weight off your shoulders and will help you make a decision about what stuff is really worth holding onto and what can be sold or ditched permanently.

If you can possibly afford a cleaner then get one. But declutter first, so you can really feel the benefit of the cleaner. It doesn't even matter if they don't do it 100% how you like it, or it isn't completely perfect each time. The fact that you will never be more than 7 days from a mopped kitchen floor, a full vacuum throughout, and a clean bathroom will help enormously.

Is your 11 month old going to bed still a bit hungry? Perhaps increase the size of his last meal of the day so he's fuller for longer? Are you still BFing him? If you are then knock that on the head, especially if he's waking in the night just to feed. Lots of weaned babies still wake up in the night for a comfort breast feed purely out of habit. He doesn't need it for nourishment now so it's time to put your MH first.

There are more structured carriers that might be better if he's heavy. I just walked mine around the house.

I also found Ewan the sheep helpful settling mine. The sleeping sloth from vtech helped as well. Though I know they don't work for everyone.

I know mumsnet is a bit anti screen time but hey bear sensory on youtube helped mine settle as well.

What is your baby's eating and milk routine? I wonder if he might be hungry all the time. It's not really normal for him to sleep to little and to constantly wake up grumpy.

Is he covered in the pushchair/car seat OP? Mine was so easily distracted i bought a snoozeshade and that really helped, made it darker and she could see sod all outside the pushchair so nothing to keep her awake.
I totally get the weather right now is hard to deal with being so grey and bleak, and it make more clutter as when you get home you have damp clothes to hang to dry.
Are you cooking full meals? If so i'd cut down there to make things easier, chuck a pizza in the oven and cook some frozen veg? While my daughter was at school i batch cooked a load of individual portions of curry/Bolognese/sweet and sour chicken for her swimming nights, i cook them from frozen in the microwave with some microchips, takes maybe 5 minutes, is that an option if baby will stay in a sling while you cook, to help with an easier meal time? I know not great using jar sauces so much but it saves time and it's not forever, chuck in frozen veg while cooking to bulk it up more.
I really hope things get easier soon and baby sleeps better.

I have kids the same age and am back at work. It is difficult. My baby also still wakes at night (though it does sound like yours is a little worse than mine). Just want to offer sympathy because it is hard. With my first it did get easier over time so it probably will improve.
Also we have a cleaner once a fortnight so the house at least gets a but of help. I do already have low standards though.
Can your DH do more? Mine cooks all dinners and does housework which really helps.

Recommend you put tights on. Watch their faces as they struggle to figure out why they are struggling to take them off!

Re not having an evening. I go to bed with the kids (co sleep with one on each side) and watch series on my phone and use a neck lamp to do cross stitch. Mine are 5 and 2, neither sleeps through (I'm hopeful for the 2yo once she's weaned off the breastfeeding though...). Robot hoover is one of the best things I've bought. Ruthless declutter is ongoing, but making a difference.

I hear you OP. I have 3 dcs, my eldest two are 18months apart and those first few years was HARD. I didn't sleep, perpetually tired and just surviving the day it seemed. The house was messy, had way too many unhealthy frozen meals and takeaways and just got through it. Then when they were 4 and 6 I did it allll over again. But now my youngest is 3 and while its still chaotic at times, I sleep now , most nights all the way through and can have a nice slow evening with partner if the older dc entertain their younger sibling. It's hard, so hard , sleep deprivation is a real horrendous thing that makes everything feel so much worse. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise x

He eats REALLY well, there’s nothing he doesn’t like bar sweet fruit (oddly - DD was the same). Typical day is toast or weetabix for breakfast with banana, lunch is something like scrambled egg on a muffin with fruit/veg sticks or lentil soup, dinner is chicken curry or roast or bolognese. He has 2 breastfeeds a day, one when he wakes up and one before he goes to bed and in between water and follow-on milk from a beaker. He’s about 60th centile for height and 80th for weight so he’s definitely well fed. Also very very active, spends most of the day cruising and crawling.

Okay well he's clearly not hungry then in the daytime then. If he wakes in the night do you BF him? I know this will make me unpopular with some, but I think it's time to knock that on the head. He's doing it out of habit. A bottle of follow on milk will be more filling before bed and help him sleep through.

Oh OP, the bit you are in is so so hard. The sleep deprivation is absolutely killer and just makes everything so hard. As the weather gets better and you can take them outside it will be better, and as the baby's sleep improves. DC2 was absolutely dreadful for sleep (still wakes up lots of nights at 3.5) and when it started to improve it was just amazing.

I really hope you can get a break as you settle back to work / nursery.

It sounds really shit OP....
All I can say - keep trying with the sleep training.
Get earplugs and wear them - you'll still hear the baby crying and the oldest whining but it'll be at a lower volume so slightly less painful.

I really feel for you OP ❤️‍🩹
I have a much bigger age gap (a baby and a 6 yr old) so it’s arguably that bit easier and am still shouty and impatient!
💐💐💐💐

Op I'm right there with you. Exactly as you've described. Mine are 3.7 years and 13 months. Almost 2 months of illnesses. Lack of sleep. Eldest says mummy every 2 minutes. I've never felt this low either. Sending solidarity

Sending hugs from one sleep deprived mom to another 🌺

I have a very similar age gap. You absolutely have to crack the sleep - this should be the number one priority and everyone will be much happier. When my youngest started sleeping through, the clouds parted. I know everyone takes a different stance but really try to find an approach that works for you and stick to it. Normally takes about 2 weeks for new routines. In my experience, getting day sleep right really often cracks the night time. Good luck!!!

Btw I used the Lucy Wolfe sleep book.

A playpen may be useful 👍☘️

Its so bloody tough at that age just some things we did they may help xx

• asda/ tesco/ wherever ready meals - it doesn’t hurt anyone short term to lob something in the microwave
• cook and batch freeze for the kids - if they eat the same spag bol 2 nights in a row thats how it is!
• A cleaner if you can then at least you know under the toys is a clean floor!
• Co-sleep we had both in with us until they were 5 or 6 I just didn’t care in the end I needed to sleep
• Park/ walk/ puddles/ library/ baby group whatever a few times a week - anything to promote tiredness!
• think about tag teaming - you do bed one night and partner sleeps then he does it and you sleep.
• Do you have any friends you can do a babysitting exchange with - a night out even if you just have one drink somewhere is bloody priceless in terms of a reset.
• Vitamins for kids not sure if they helped ward off illness but maybe worth a go!
• I ironed nothing! bought anticrease stuff and stopped ironing altogether.
• dishwasher and tumble dryer were vital!
• when desperate walk away if the little one is in a cot/ playpen they are safe while you have a minute to take a breath!
• We used TV and ipad when desperate too! Not loads- but as a treat!! I know MN thinks thats terrible but when your mental health is on the line you need to do what you need to do xxx

DD is 14 now and your post really took me back to some dark, terrible days (and nights). I felt like I was permanently in a hightened state of alertness and anxiety and even when I did get 30 minutes to myself I couldn't switch off.

I'd find myself watching boxsets into the early hours just to have some "me time" after a day of work and then an evening of battling with DD (and XH) over sleep. We didn't have any more kids, it brought us to our knees, I aged about 10 years in a year and he started shagging his secretary so that was fun!

DD was eventually diagnosed with autism. She's bloody amazing, still a crap sleeper (but we have different strategies now - one being I don't get disturbed between midnight and 6am unless something's on fire) and I just about survived to tell the tale.

I don't really have any suggestions to those already made other than until you have a crap sleeper you really don't get how utterly soul destroying it is. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. 💐

It's the weather. Everything is easier when you're outside. I also have an 10 mo and an almost 3 year old. Both my kids only did one sleep cycle for most naps and after spending hours rocking the eldest and putting her in the pram to try and extend naps I gave up with the second.

We did night feeds for both to give us some chance at rest even though like you they ate plenty in the day and clearly didn't need them. I live in Aus now and I can't imagine doing a bleak UK winter with young kids so I take my hat off to you. Serious sleep deprivation just hits different. People whose kids nap well can't get it.

i also wouldn't be wearing a sling for a child that size and like you both mine refuse naps in the car full stop. I would second getting a cleaner but it's surface really. If you can get one to do your bedding that's something. I do think the kitchen ends up a state straight after they've been with the relentless food chucked on the floor. The bathrooms stay nice though.

We gave in and did hellofresh because I had no desire to cook healthy food. I went back to work at 5 months with my first because of COVID lockdown and not being able to get out. The difference a second mat leave being able to be in the sun made was unbelievable. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to watch the kids. It's awful. But you'll get through. Don't scrimp on the calpol / Nurofen for them (or you). Sending best wishes.

Thanks all. We have a playpen, DS doesn’t feed at night we offer him water, I’ve really done everything I can to make this easier yet it’s still very hard. My kids are actually lovely - when the stars align and they’re fed and rested at the same time, theyre great company and lots of fun. DS is getting more interactive by the day and I know underneath I’m lucky, but the drudgery just outweighs everything else sometimes.

DD got much easier at about 2.5 so I’m really hoping DS is the same.