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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don’t want to do this any more

115 replies

Namechangeforthiss · 10/03/2024 19:17

I have 2 children. One in reception one is 11 months.

I am the most stressed and miserable I have ever been in my life, and have been since the youngest turned 4 months.

The house is a mess no matter how much I clean and tidy. It rains all day every day so going anywhere is fucking impossible (90% of the kids stuff here is outdoors and the rest is expensive). The kids just cry, tantrum, fight sleep, follow me around, the oldest nags me senseless and just talks at me 24/7.

The baby had his settling in at nursery last week and is already ill and on antibiotics. I have my first day back at work tomorrow and fuck knows if I’ll even be able to go. Probably not. DP took parental leave last week when he was ill so I could run some essential errands and go to a meeting. So I guess tomorrow will be on me.

I don’t sleep. The baby wakes constantly and is up for the day at 5-6am. It’s worse now he’s unwell.

I just don’t want to do any of this any more. I don’t feel cut out to be a parent. My emotional reserves are at an all time low, I’m impatient, shouty and stressed all the time, not to mention exhausted.

To stave off the inevitable suggestions I have nobody I can ask to watch them. We’ve tried sleep training. I don’t want to ‘lower my standards’ because who wants a crawling baby on a dirty floor or mess everywhere? What exactly am I supposed to neglect - clean clothes, clean crockery, clean floors, clean bedding?

DP pulls his weight but it’s not enough. We’re both constantly dealing with the kids or cleaning up after them.

I just want to close my eyes and not wake up a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Userxyd · 10/03/2024 21:32

Justmemyselfandi999 · 10/03/2024 20:20

I was a lone parent to 2 under 2. I get it. Co sleep. I had a super king-size bed. We all piled in about 8 every night, and slept the best we could. Not ideal, but we coped. Get up and out every day. Rain never hurt anyone. Double buggy and dog walked twice a day. Puddle suits and at the stables sorting the horses. Fresh air is good for the immune system and sleep! Microwave meals will do. You can't do it all. Accept that and half the battle is won.

Great advice- was going to ask about cosleeping too cos it helped me loads at this stage.
Good luck OP it's sooo hard but you just keep going and focus on the good times. When you're feeling shit just bung them in your bed and look at cute photos/videos of them - I had to coach myself out of resenting them on a regular basis but it works!!
One of my favourite quotes is about mothers who ignore their children cos they're on their phone... looking at photos of their children 🤣🤣🤣 being cute!! It's so different when they're cute! Or asleep!! Lol.
You'll get there keep your chin up 💪💪💪

Userxyd · 10/03/2024 21:34

Oh Ps white noise!! On my phone I use it for me, kids, lots of times anyone is struggling to sleep. Try different ones but it really helps me- constant drone of waves blocks out my busy mind as well xxx

Sususudio · 10/03/2024 21:34

I coslept. I know people frown upon it, but I am from a different culture where it is accepted, and it was the only way I could get DS to sleep. OMG those days were hell. A dirty floor every once in a while will not hurt your baby.

BirthdayRainbow · 10/03/2024 21:35

I used to work as emergency nanny. Would you be able to have someone help for a bit? If you are near me I would absolutely come and help.

Lennon80 · 10/03/2024 21:39

I’ve had a similar age gap to yours and another child - three in total and zero support and it was fucking hard! You do feel all you do is clean and prepare food. None of mine slept especially the eldest who has adhd and was in our bed every night until he was ten. What I can tell you is this does pass - it’s much easier than it was but if you can get through the next year or so things will get easier. I’d consider antidepressants too - they will take the edge off it all for you. Hugs x

Hiddenmnetter · 10/03/2024 21:40

OP you’re alright. You’re a good mum. Sleep deprivation is a killer, honestly it turns you into someone you are not. This isn’t like “in vino veritas”- when you are exhausted you become a destroyed version of yourself. It will pass, it won’t last forever. This isn’t who you are- kids are resilient and will survive. You’ll get there, just hang on. 4 months with DD1 basically killed us- it’s what lead us to sleep training (which I cannot recommend enough 6m+).

DD3 is 3yo and recently been diagnosed with ASD. Just last week she wanted to wear her oldest sisters “heart” t-shirt to nursery (size 11-12). I refused (she was refusing to wear anything else with it) and took it off her. Queue a 1.5 hour, factor 5 nuclear meltdown. She was naked in about 2 minutes and SCREAMED for about 45 minutes “my heart, I want my heart”. At one point she screamed “I am my heart” which I thought was sort of poetic.

Grin and bear it. It will pass. If nothing else they eventually fall asleep. And then, sometimes when they’re in a good mood they give you the most delightful cuddles. This is the price of a new generation: parents that aren’t afraid to suffer. You’re a hero OP, you just don’t know it yet.

Lennon80 · 10/03/2024 21:41

Oh another vote for cosleeping too. Had all mine in bed with me when they were little or I’d never have gotten a wink of sleep. At one stage I had a two year old and newborn in king with me and double next to it with husband and the older one. It got us through!

anunlikelyseahorse · 10/03/2024 21:46

Another vote for co-sleeping....mine still occasionally hop into my bed for early morning cuppa when dh is away🥴😂.

redalex261 · 10/03/2024 22:00

Just co-sleep. I would have walked into the sea or thrown mine in if I hadn’t. Try to get outside, even if it is crap weather, doesn't matter what’s under the coat in the winter, no-one can see. Make sure you get a few minutes to yourself in any way you can - I have locked myself in the bathroom while baby clipped into chair/lobbed into travel cot for ten mins just for respite to take edge off. The suggestions upthread to thin possessions to bare minimum and reduce chores is a good idea.

Finally, get to the doctor, you may need an antidepressant for a wee while. Don’t wait until your mental state becomes worse before getting a little help. If you don’t want to do that make sure you have someone to vent to.

Genuine sympathies to you, it is hellish to be in that situation.

TheWorstWitch99 · 10/03/2024 22:16

Can you express milk or use occasional formula and ask DH to do a full night - you go and sleep somewhere else? Even if you do this once a fortnight, I found it transformative just to get one good nights sleep during the bad phases and remember who I was without sleep deprivation and who I would be again.

Abettertime · 10/03/2024 23:21

Oh OP sounds like an absolute battle.

Firstly: solidarity. I have absolutely been there. Middle child did not sleep. I remember at this age he needed to be rocked for two hours every night to get the first ‘stage’ of sleep. He was then up and down til 11pm, when we would get a longer stage. If I didn’t keep a diary I wouldn’t believe it. And I would think anyone was insane doing that!!! I went back to work when he was around 9 months, covered in bruises. I remember meeting with my boss on day 1 and explained the sleep issues, and that I couldn’t get any block of sleep, so I kept bumping into things and my body couldn’t heal. I spent a quite a few months accidentally falling asleep at work, and had to develop strategies for o keep myself awake. Then I got pregnant with number 3 and the next patch gets hazy.

Secondly: tips. This time of year is grim with a crawling baby. Do console yourself that as soon as your youngest can toddle a bit, life will get significantly easier. I used to joke that my poor sleeper was like having a dog. He needed to be walked twice a day, morning and afternoon. They will both enjoy puddle jumping - all over weather suits and wellies are a must. For now, take them to the playground. Like, every day. Take a towel to dry the seats and stick your youngest in the baby swing. Your older one might be able to push him; encourage ?her/him (sorry I’ve forgotten) to chat to youngest. Tell them it will help speech etc. It will give you a break. Take a cup of tea in a takeaway cup and take five minutes. In fact, try to develop habits where you constantly encourage your eldest to share their stories with the younger one. It will really give your ears a break and might help with their bond. You might find it works best when the youngest is strapped in (!)

At home, but still outside, get some paintbrushes and do water painting on the driveway. Send the eldest on a scavenger hunt and then show baby what they’ve found. Assuming your garden is safe; you can sit for five minutes and have a cup of T.

The more time you spend outside, the less time people are inside messing up the house. I used to go to playgroups, rhyme time at the library and play cafes all for this specific reason. With you going back to work there may not be so much on at the weekend, but it’s worth hunting for a few things which you can then rota in. We used to go to the library every week (board book for the baby), maybe there’s a local museum or place of interest? It can be a bit stressful hauling two around, but it will get easier the more you do it. It might be worth getting a NT membership if there’s one with a good playground?

At home toys at this combined age I found: cars - garages etc with whizzing cars around, and any small world play. It’s a bit hit and miss. Middle child was bashing so could not play alongside eldest. Youngest and eldest (who were your exact ages) did from this age, very nicely. Worth a shot but don’t beat yourself up if they don’t.

Inside, accept that the house will be messy. Totally agree it needs to be clean with a crawling baby, but there will be toys and some mess around. Do what you can in terms of one tub tidy at the end of the day so you can just pop it on the sofa so you can vacuum quickly. Cliche, but the eldest will enjoy polishing with you, and spraying surfaces etc. Clean the sink whilst they’re in the bath. I remember some nights sitting down feeling like I was eyeball to eyeball with the bloody massive jumperoo. Horribly depressing, but a lifesaver during the day!!! By the time your youngest is 16-8 months old, things will be a lot easier - sleep, weather, your eldest properly settled into school. If your finances allow, consider a cleaner even for two hours a week to help you ease your transition back to work?

Consider getting a vacuum robot - we bought a mop/vacuum which is brill for a quick whizz round. Scale down your meals so you are reducing the washing up, get a dishwasher if you can. Consider one outfit at weekends; end of Saturday you wash everyone’s clothes, and stick them in the tumble. Sunday morning you get dressed out of the tumble. It is actual genuis! Reduce changing the beds to every fortnight. And when you do, again do it first thing so you can hang it all day, then put the same sheets back on the bed. The eldest can help put their clothes away. It will help them burn some energy so a win win! (Whilst I’m at reducing - baths every other day is much better for children’s skin.)

And finally - accept that this time is awful. It’s awful for everyone, of varying degrees, but it will pass. Right now you need tlc, sympathy, and as many short cuts as humanly possible. Other posters are right; the lack of sleep is truly terrible and once this is sorted, things will seem sooooo much better. For us, when the non-sleeper started walking (13 mo) there was the first drastic improvement with sleep, 18 months and he was fine. For now, please talk to your GP and HV. The HV should be especially helpful with practical advice. There’s no shame in admitting it’s tough.

Keep going, and good luck with going back to work. It will be difficult, but the break from the kids, and interactions with adults, may also help you see things differently too. Make sure you book plenty of leave so you can make the transition as smooth as possible if you can.

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 10/03/2024 23:40

Hi OP,

I just want to tell you that you are not alone and your feelings of despair are completely valid.

I can’t add anything helpful here more than what has already been said, but just hang in there.

Lots of love, you are not alone

JMSA · 10/03/2024 23:45

You poor love Flowers
It's really fucking shit x

Fortitudinal · 10/03/2024 23:46

Oh @Namechangeforthiss it’s so, so fucking hard when they are that small and sleep is that broken and it feels endless - solidarity and hugs. It is horrible.

It WILL GET BETTER! I promise. Hold on tight. Cut yourself all the slack.

BrewCake

paisley256 · 10/03/2024 23:47

Justmemyselfandi999 · 10/03/2024 20:20

I was a lone parent to 2 under 2. I get it. Co sleep. I had a super king-size bed. We all piled in about 8 every night, and slept the best we could. Not ideal, but we coped. Get up and out every day. Rain never hurt anyone. Double buggy and dog walked twice a day. Puddle suits and at the stables sorting the horses. Fresh air is good for the immune system and sleep! Microwave meals will do. You can't do it all. Accept that and half the battle is won.

I second this. We have superking size and it helped loads to get through those early years, I found they slept loads better.

Also out every day, including the rain. Just a walk to break up the morning I always found they played better on return.

Also, try not to make the mistake of entertaining them. Let them be bored. Put toys on a rotation too then leave them too it. Then when they've exhausted all that their reward is a bit of kids TV. If they aren't managing to occupy themselves then no TV reward. They get the hang of it eventually. I know little one is too young so this is more for older one. You'll get there X

excessivescreentime · 10/03/2024 23:53

Urrrrgh this sounds so hard.

When you start getting a bit more sleep and some evening time, it'll be a complete game changer. Hopefully that is not too far off. But it's not surprising you feel really low and at the end of your tether. You need to bat this bit out, but it will get better and easier.

Returning to work probably feels completely unmanageable but you might find that it actually helps, in that a bit of a change of scene during the day is less oppressive than feeling stuck indoors.

Solidarity

Mumstheword37 · 11/03/2024 00:02

I agree with others OP that you should talk to your doctor, you sound very depressed. I was there when my eldest was a baby, so incredibly sleep deprived and had post natal depression. Can I also seriously recommend the parenting hell podcast (Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe) it’s all about how shit parenting is and it’s so great knowing you’re not alone, it’s hilarious and has honestly helped my mental state such a huge amount. X

DancesLikeAFairy · 11/03/2024 00:04

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. All the advice in the world won't help if you're not happy. Please please please make an appointment with a GP. Not for advice but for a referral to a counsellor. You're not alone but you sound like you need help with depression. There's also a befriending service available in some areas. Just a non judgemental person to walk with etc. Please go out inthe rain or cold. Park. Ducks. Swings. Bus ride for fun. Puddle jumping. Being indoors is soul destroying. Please go to every single thing available to you. Swimming with others with babies. Toddler groups. Messy play. Music. All these will help you feel better. Perhaps pay a person to intensely clean your house, as a one off? Try keeping one room for toys, food, so rest only need a vacuum. Many years ago, a woman called Tracy hogg had a tv programme and books called 'the baby whisperer.' I hope your babies learn to get themselves back to sleep. I hope you enjoy them. X

Namechangeforthiss · 11/03/2024 10:26

I do all those things but unfortunately the youngest will ONLY nap in the cot. We’ve tried again and again to get a nap out of him in the pram or car seat and while he may drop off for 15 minutes, it’s never longer than that and then we are stuck with a crying whiny baby all afternoon who won’t play or be put down.

My first day back hasn’t happened as he has a temperature still.

OP posts:
DancesLikeAFairy · 11/03/2024 14:41

My babies went from a morning and afternoon nap, to three hours in the afternoon nap. Always in their cot. Obviously tough, but as they grow, they change their habits and need less sleep. If you do socialise at baby groups and other things, then the only issue is accepting your life and being happy with how it is at the moment. Nobody says it's easy. Children are a precious gift and consider what you do have, rather than what you imagine perfection to be. Cherish the time you have as they'll be grown up before you know it. If your baby won't sleep all night, then do look at Tracy Hogg, The Baby Whisperer.

excessivescreentime · 11/03/2024 14:53

DancesLikeAFairy · 11/03/2024 14:41

My babies went from a morning and afternoon nap, to three hours in the afternoon nap. Always in their cot. Obviously tough, but as they grow, they change their habits and need less sleep. If you do socialise at baby groups and other things, then the only issue is accepting your life and being happy with how it is at the moment. Nobody says it's easy. Children are a precious gift and consider what you do have, rather than what you imagine perfection to be. Cherish the time you have as they'll be grown up before you know it. If your baby won't sleep all night, then do look at Tracy Hogg, The Baby Whisperer.

Children are a blessing but OP is massively sleep deprived, and it's very hard to be positive in that state. It does stuff to your brain.

What she really needs is a break, and I hope she gets one soon. Hopefully better sleep is around the corner.

Namechangeforthiss · 11/03/2024 14:53

excessivescreentime · 11/03/2024 14:53

Children are a blessing but OP is massively sleep deprived, and it's very hard to be positive in that state. It does stuff to your brain.

What she really needs is a break, and I hope she gets one soon. Hopefully better sleep is around the corner.

thank you x

OP posts:
Pirelli · 11/03/2024 15:03

It's reading posts like these@Namechangeforthiss which make me wonder why we don't (as a society) have a better system for childcare, one which takes into account the needs of the mother a bit better.
I'd be more than happy to volunteer to look after a baby for a day every so often, to give mum a break. I was lucky because I had family close by who would do just that for me when mine were little.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 11/03/2024 15:29

Don't know what to say apart from: I have been there, it's SO hard, but it gets easier, sending a virtual hug x 💐

Namechangeforthiss · 11/03/2024 15:32

He’s napped for 20 minutes today. 20 fucking minutes. Despite being unwell. I’ve tried 3 times. He just will not sleep. Nothing I do makes any difference whatsoever. I feel like a rat in a cage.

@Pirelli i’ve resolved never ever ever to let my children suffer like this when they’re older. Even if I babysat for 1 or 2 days a week it would be an absolute picnic compared to this - sleeping through the night, having most days with nobody screaming at me; absolute bliss.

Constantly jumping to attention every second of the day and night has made me ill. I feel drained, lethargic and tense 100% of the time. DP has just gone to collect the oldest and I’m already dreading sitting in the living room for 2 hours trying to stop them fighting, crying or taking things off each other. I should be at work today.

OP posts: