Autistic women - how do you cope with Mothers Day expectations vs reality?

[VioletShmiolet]

This is a question specifically for autistic women as I'm curious to know if it's just me that struggles with Mothers Day, birthday, Christmas day etc expectations

Diagnosed last year but have always remembered struggling with important dates. I always make sure to let people know what I want (if asked) for birthday/Christmas as I can't cope with disappointment very well. I am aware that makes me sound childish but this is where I think that it's linked to being autistic. My reactions are what they are and I can't disguise them.
This is well known in my family.
In the run up to today, I ordered the food shop as I normally would and bought bits for my breakfast (only crepes, nothing extravagant) and booked a table for me and my mum for lunch somewhere local.
My husband asked on Thursday what I would like so I replied a card and some flowers are fine knowing that he had no time left or imagination to get me anything else. My children and 8 and 11.
Please be aware I don't want or expect expensive gifts.
I adore reading, as they all know, so would have been pleased with a new book or even a waterstones gift card or similar.

This morning I woke up and was presented with soggy cold crepes and cards made at school (very sweet but no input made by husband) and flowers he bought at tesco when he bought his own mums bunch plus a card from the dog that he snuck out of his drawer to go and write in as he had obviously forgot to do so earlier.

Please don't tell me that I'm not his mum as that gives me the rage!
I always put in effort for Father's day and help our children make it a special day.

I am now in a mood that I can't shake and I am so annoyed with myself but I can't help but feel this way as it's not matched my plan or perceived plan for the morning.

If you experience similar please tell me how to manage this?

Im the opposite with autism. I don't see the day as any different, i can't seem to invest emotion into it. So i inadvertently offend others when a card and chocolate doesn't match expectations. 😂 i have been told to to go for a meal out with family today and i expect i will annoy everyone there too 😭😭 i have ARFID, so am rubbish eating out. Normally if my husband and i go out, we suss the menu beforehand..but on occasions we can't do that as we are just told where/when. So i guess stressful but in different way.

You asked for a card and flowers, you received a card and flowers.
I’m ASD and also struggle a little, but you got exactly what was specified - so I honestly can’t say I see your point at all, sorry.

I don’t quite see the issue here. You asked for flowers and a card and got those and a special breakfast. Mother’s Day is from the kids and they made you handmade cards.

I think a lot more thought goes in to school-made cards from your kids, than shop bought cards bought by your husband for your kids.

Handmade cards are the best BECAUSE there is no input from dad. They are yhe children's own creations!

I'm an autistic and am not bothered by birthdays or Mothering Sunday. Don't see the point in flowers as they don't last long. A card is ok but again not bothered if I don't get one. I don't like presents I don't choose myself and don't eat breakfast. Dp is cooking a roast later but he does most Sundays. It's just another day.

I would much rather home made cards than shop bought!

I don't see the issue, you asked for a card and flowers and you have received a card and flowers.
If the children made you cards then your DH would be so unreasonable to go buy you a card from them, as though their thoughtful handmade cards weren't good enough.

You asked for crepes, card and flowers. You got crepes, card and flowers. Wow.

I am genuinely confused here, you said you always let people know what you want but you say you told your husband flowers would be fine but you’re disappointed he didn’t get you a Waterstones card. That’s not telling him what you want!

You asked for card and flowers and got a card and flowers and some crepes!

OP, you will probably get slated on here for not being grateful. But I would really like to thank you for posting this because you have helped me to understand my own mother's POV after over 40 years. My mum was always one to fly into rages over things not being exactly how she wanted and I never understood it. But I can see it now from her point of view.

I suppose you have to decide if it is worth spoiling the day over. Can you have some time to think it over to yourself and tell yourself that while it's not exactly as you wanted, is it worth causing grief and upsetting your kids over.

I decided years ago to stop celebrating birthdays etc for this reason. Even when people make an effort it just makes me uncomfortable. I feel like it's a half arsed effort or I'm writhing uncomfortable under the attention. It's much better this way I e found.

I told my kids I don't want to be woken before 7am today and then when I woke up I asked for a cup of tea in bed. My dd has organised making me a card with her brother anyway (and left paint all over the dining table and the dirty water in toddler reach which was knocked over). So I'm masking acting all grateful for the effort they made even though it means more work for me. The cup of tea and a hug in bed "your the best mummy" before I got up was the absolute best because it exceeded my very low expectations

I get you, I can't cope if I specify something and receive something that is t what I asked for. I feel utter rage but I know the issue is mine I just don't know how to deal with my reaction. I think because I put so much effort to respond to others requests can't understand why others find it so difficult?

I think that the difficulties you're describing are around emotional regulation more than autism, and I think it would be worth working on ways to calm down and cheer up when you are upset or disappointed.

It's hard to understand your disappointment - it sounds like your family did what you'd asked for - card, flowers, breakfast. Is it maybe that you were hoping for something more but didn't say? I think it's generally a good idea to keep expectations low so you aren't disappointed.

I think I manage it in the way that you have. I make it really obvious as to what I would like. I also arrange the day's activities. (Today we are going to a big M&S with a cafe, because I want to see the glasses in their opticians).
Birthdays and Christmas I struggle with more because there are so many other factors, people involved, expectations, trafitions, potential for surprises, etc - but Mother's Day I can handle because it's me and my children.

I hope you have a nice day OP (and that the neurotypicals keep their comments off this thread).

I have autism diagnosed early 40s. DC has autism with PDA profile diagnosed age 11, now age 14.

My mum hates crowds and fuss (she would never subject herself to autism testing but I would bet good money she is) and so Mothers Day was never a big thing growing up. We would give a card. That's it.

Now we do more for my mum because DH has expectations for what to do for his mum and they are treated equally so my mum gets flowers and chocolates too.

I gave my DH a link to what I wanted as a mothers day treat and he ordered it. He bought a card for DC to write. The day started stressfully with DH trying to persuade DC to write a mothers day greeting message in the card and DC didn't want to as hates writing so much yelling and door slamming. Eventually got given the card wishing that my day might be at least mediocre or better.

No flowers. I would like to be given flowers but don't want to ask for them. Flowers as a gift are lovely but they seem only meaningful if the giver chooses to give them from their own motivation, not because they are told to.

Also agree this sounds more spoilt behaviour that autism related. You got exactly what you asked for

I have autism I'm very opposite, I don't like a big fuss made of me at all makes me feel very awkward and uncomfortable.

DH let me go to bed early last night and he sorted the kids (was fast asleep by 8pm!) and that was good enough for me.
Today I'm just playing with dc and out to do a small food shop. I prefer it this way, I don't get the whole make a big fuss on one day thing. Surely people should show their appreciation every day?

Yep, autistic here. I'm decidedly uncomfortable with the day, mainly because I dislike being the centre of attention, especially for the whole "being a good parent" thing that - really - is the bare minimum I would expect from anybody with offspring. It's just another day to me.

However, when our daughter brings me a card and gifts, I don't complain because it's more for her to feel like she's demonstrating a socially-appropriate level of thanks than it is for me. I just try to get her to keep a lid on the spending, because I'd rather she was doing something more sensible with her money.

That's not to say I don't appreciate being taken out for lunch - it's nice to get out, and honestly I do sometimes need to be forced to leave the house sometimes ;)

I’m not diagnosed with ASD but I have very strong suspicions I have it for various reasons.

My eldest DD brought my cards to me today (two handmade at school/Cubs and one from each of them from the shop) and my mum organised the kids giving me their handmade gifts and flowers yesterday. DD1 had made me a Lego heart that I can hang up and DD2 did a flower painting at pre-school. DH is on a stag do this weekend so didn’t have any breakfast in bed or anything.

I’m ok with all of this. My DH is supportive and caring every day of the year so it doesn’t bother me that he’s not here today. It really is just another day for me. He’s the same for Father’s Day. Happy with a card and a handmade gift from our children.

I think YABU. You said cards and flowers and that’s what you got. Handmade cards are much better than shop bought ones and what’s wrong with flowers from Tesco? I got my mum flowers from Aldi because I was in there and they had nice bunches of lilies (her favourite).

I think the issue is communication.

You said you ask for what you want.

You asked for crepes for breakfast, a card, flowers.

You got crepes for breakfast, a card, flowers.

If this needed to be a specific card (you wanted shop bought instead of hand made) then specify that. If you needed flowers from a specific place (Tesco wasn't good enough) then specify that. I'd you wanted him to cook the crepes instead of letting the kids do it (I assume this is what happened?) then specify that.

Or think about what the actual problem is i.e. he didn't put enough effort in, and communicate that to him.

Not helpful.
OP knows her reactions are excessive and is trying to unpick them and work out what to do about it, that’s the very opposite of spoiled behaviour.

But the OP appears to be enraged at getting exactly what she asked for.