Autistic women - how do you cope with Mothers Day expectations vs reality?

[VioletShmiolet]

This is a question specifically for autistic women as I'm curious to know if it's just me that struggles with Mothers Day, birthday, Christmas day etc expectations

Diagnosed last year but have always remembered struggling with important dates. I always make sure to let people know what I want (if asked) for birthday/Christmas as I can't cope with disappointment very well. I am aware that makes me sound childish but this is where I think that it's linked to being autistic. My reactions are what they are and I can't disguise them.
This is well known in my family.
In the run up to today, I ordered the food shop as I normally would and bought bits for my breakfast (only crepes, nothing extravagant) and booked a table for me and my mum for lunch somewhere local.
My husband asked on Thursday what I would like so I replied a card and some flowers are fine knowing that he had no time left or imagination to get me anything else. My children and 8 and 11.
Please be aware I don't want or expect expensive gifts.
I adore reading, as they all know, so would have been pleased with a new book or even a waterstones gift card or similar.

This morning I woke up and was presented with soggy cold crepes and cards made at school (very sweet but no input made by husband) and flowers he bought at tesco when he bought his own mums bunch plus a card from the dog that he snuck out of his drawer to go and write in as he had obviously forgot to do so earlier.

Please don't tell me that I'm not his mum as that gives me the rage!
I always put in effort for Father's day and help our children make it a special day.

I am now in a mood that I can't shake and I am so annoyed with myself but I can't help but feel this way as it's not matched my plan or perceived plan for the morning.

If you experience similar please tell me how to manage this?

Mother’s Day always brings out the batshit threads in MN.

What happened last year? If he did similar then your expectations were unreasonable. I have ASD and I assume that each year will be similar to the last and it is so I’m satisfied.

He bought Tesco flowers for you and his mum which is a good thing as he’s treating you both equally. Unless there’s a back story about how she treats him badly then the same treatment as his mum is good.

The card from the dog is pretty funny but that might be my sense of humour.

The school cards will be cherished longer than store bought. I have kept the ones my kids did and it brings me happiness years later.

Is your h autistic too? I think that your comment about him lacking imagination for more than a card and flowers is a bit mean. If you’d sent him an Amazon Prime link to something that you would like then it would have arrived before today and you might have felt less disappointed.

Did your h or the kids prepare the crepes? If it was the kids then maybe they were unaware that they could be microwaved? My kids used to happily eat them cold rather than warm them up.

Next year you might want to be even more specific and says flowers from X, him to get kids to pick some chocolate from Y etc so you’re not disappointed. From an outsider’s point of view, he fulfilled your requests apart from the crepes not being heated up.

I could understand if you got something you hadnt asked for but you got exactly what you specified . I think this is less about being autistic and more about being hard work .

You wanted crêpes, a card and flowers and that's exactly what you got. I genuinely cannot fathom what your issue is. If you wanted a book or you wanted flowers that were expensive/from a florist/a particular style, and not receiving them was going to cause such a problem, then you should have communicated that.

I think your kids and husband have tried to make you feel a bit special and have approached the day with a fairly standard amount of enthusiasm. If you expect a greater fanfare than most people do on Mother's Day then it's your responsibility to ask for that.

I'm decidedly uncomfortable with the day, mainly because I dislike being the centre of attention

This is how I feel. It’s my 30th birthday soon and my mum was talking about having a party. This was met with firm reluctance from me because being centre of attention is awful! I am ok with my kids, DH and immediate family giving me cards/presents but that’s enough. I don’t even need the presents.

You got what you asked for though. If you'd wanted a book- why didn't you ask for it?

Where is DH supposed to buy flowers from? If he'd bought his mums from an exclusive florist and yours from a service station- then I could understand you being peeved off.

I think if you are known for specifically letting people know what you want so you’re not disappointed, and then you don’t let them know what you want (shop bought cards and a Waterstones gift card) and instead you say something else (unspecified card and flowers) is fine, you can’t then complain when they follow your instructions.

If this is what OP is looking for it might be helpful for her to take half an hour to have a bit of peace and quiet if possible and try to get a different perspective on it. She did get what she asked for and the children put effort into making the cards. If she shows disappointment they will be upset. In general, for everyone, having expectations that are too specific only leads to resentment. It sounds like the real resentment is that the husband didn’t make a lot of effort.

I get you, OP. You asked for a thing, got the thing but a crap version of the thing. You feel like your only options are to be madly specific (x flowers from x place, book by specific author, link to book here etc) which takes all the “it’s the thought that counts!” shite out of it, leaving you feel like you actually got nothing. OR just don’t celebrate it at all, say you want nothing.

And those are both crappy options.

I don’t know what to suggest tbh. I send links to the things I want and then try and get excited for their arrival. The acting surprised for the kids thing is a bit cringe but other than that…

It’s mad isn’t it, as if they showed up with cold crepes / supermarket flowers any other day of the week than you’d probs like them. It’s the anticipation of the event making it worse I think.

Just tell your family that what you would really like is to go to a book store and to chose a book as a mother's day treat.

@VioletShmiolet

I think 🤔 what the problem issue is the miss match of your expection and the extra effort stress and worry to go the extra mile to put to susprise your husband on his birthday 🎂 and other occasions,

I think your husband sounds he just lacks imagination about the relevance and importance about things like this,

Is your husband good enpugh in other ways that make a difference to quality of your life and your family life etc?

Such as he is good friend listener ect

I do think you are placing a bit too much emphasis on this day ,

when whats more important is the bigger picture of your relationship and family dynamics ect,

Are you unsatisfied in your life in some way and this is niggling you, focusing on this speacial day as the thing,?

When there is something else not quite happy with in your life then?

@VioletShmiolet
Sorry typo mistake enough *

This place is insane on mother's day!
OP: I got exactly what I specifically asked for on mother's day but I am still unhappy that my family didn't mind read and get me something else/a better version of my very specific request.
Everyone else: WTF, thank god I don't know anyone like this in real life.

You think that you want what you ask for.

What you actually want is a small show of effort. You want them to do something extra to prove they care e.g. a book to show they notice what you enjoy. Or perhaps your favourite flowers instead of generic Tesco ones. Not just the bare minimum. It sounds like this is unlikely to change so I guess you have to make the best of it and try not to let it ruin your day.

I hate fuss, I hate being centre of attention, I want everyone else to feel good. Birthdays, weddings, Mother’s Day: I can’t stand them being about me . I cannot understand people needing that kind of validation. They’re a good opportunity for everyone else to have a nice time, though.

There is a lot of entitlement around mothers day and the expectation that children and partners demonstrate their love with gifts and cards. Is it really to do with your autism or are you just not a very nice person?

My partner is autistic and HATES surprises. So if he tells me what he wants for birthday or Christmas that is EXACTLY what I get. No deviations. He wants a black m&s scarf then a blue next one won't do. A complete surprise of a wooly hat would throw him. So maybe your partner needs your permission to ignore what you ask for.

Thank you to all who have understood what I am trying to say.
I know my behaviour appears ungrateful, childish, petulant and every other word that has been used to describe me. My post was asking how to manage these feelings as an NT person.
I really appreciate those that have said they struggle too, it's not spoken about enough. Probably because people who have no experience of being NT call us pathetic 🙄

You're just being rude because you're sitting behind a keyboard. No excuse

Nail on the head, thank you!

I don't think your husband has done anything wrong so you need to work out what you will do differently to stop it happening again next year. I think communicating your expectations extra clearly or trying someone new are the way to go.
My husband buys poorly a lot of the time (often spending too much on something I don't really need/want) for the sake of it which then means I seem ungrateful or I have to fake gratitude for the gift.
So I've just said don't buy stuff. I got homemade cards and that's it. Tomorrow or the following day I will go to the shops and buy some heavily discounted flowers of my choosing. I'm happy.

• trying something new (someone new would be extreme)

I get you. Not one person, not ONE, actually ‘wants’ soggy cold crepes when what they asked for was ‘crepes’. You shouldn’t have to specify ‘but they actually have to be nice and edible’.

and no it isn’t ’entitled’ to ask that your family show you a bit of appreciation.

But the dh won’t have made the crepes soggy and cold on purpose, he’ll have done his best and just not be any good at making crepes!

In the case of the op, yes she got what she's requested, but her standards are higher than her dc/ dh , hence her disappointment.

My personal issue with mother's day , is that people's actions don't match the words on their cards. The cards say they appreciate me, and i deserve to put my fret up but I'm still running round like a blue arsed fly doing everything and the dc are acting like brats .