Autistic women - how do you cope with Mothers Day expectations vs reality?

[VioletShmiolet]

This is a question specifically for autistic women as I'm curious to know if it's just me that struggles with Mothers Day, birthday, Christmas day etc expectations

Diagnosed last year but have always remembered struggling with important dates. I always make sure to let people know what I want (if asked) for birthday/Christmas as I can't cope with disappointment very well. I am aware that makes me sound childish but this is where I think that it's linked to being autistic. My reactions are what they are and I can't disguise them.
This is well known in my family.
In the run up to today, I ordered the food shop as I normally would and bought bits for my breakfast (only crepes, nothing extravagant) and booked a table for me and my mum for lunch somewhere local.
My husband asked on Thursday what I would like so I replied a card and some flowers are fine knowing that he had no time left or imagination to get me anything else. My children and 8 and 11.
Please be aware I don't want or expect expensive gifts.
I adore reading, as they all know, so would have been pleased with a new book or even a waterstones gift card or similar.

This morning I woke up and was presented with soggy cold crepes and cards made at school (very sweet but no input made by husband) and flowers he bought at tesco when he bought his own mums bunch plus a card from the dog that he snuck out of his drawer to go and write in as he had obviously forgot to do so earlier.

Please don't tell me that I'm not his mum as that gives me the rage!
I always put in effort for Father's day and help our children make it a special day.

I am now in a mood that I can't shake and I am so annoyed with myself but I can't help but feel this way as it's not matched my plan or perceived plan for the morning.

If you experience similar please tell me how to manage this?

Personally, and even pre diagnosis (
I would pretend that it was a normal day. Everything's normal, normal Sunday, normal day, normal everything.

THEN if anyone wanted to do anything, then great! If not, it's a normal day for me doing normal things.

And, don't expect me to remember to make a fuss on certain days, if it's Christmas or birthdays, they are well planned in advance, lists made etc, then it's a normal day, with this.activity in the morning, that in the afternoon.

Planning and managing expectations, no surprises because they put you out. So if anything DOES come up, you have some capacity to deal with it

I agree - which is why I was pointing out some things that the OP MIGHT be finding difficult. We all know that you've met one autistic person - you've met one autistic person.

Hi OP, self-diagnosed on the spectrum here (currently pursuing official diagnosis).

I think I know how you feel, with both the disappointment at the unmet expectation (even if on the surface your requests were met - personally it's always the apparent lack of additional care/effort that stings - doing the bare minimum rather than anything to make it special) - and the ongoing impact on your mood, because I've been there myself. I find my birthday in particular hard to deal with each year for very similar reasons. I don't think feeling disappointed is specifically an ASD thing but I do think the knock on effects on mood might be exacerbated by it.

I'm not sure I have great advice to offer (because I've yet to figure out a really good solution myself) but some things I've tried which I've found helped stop me being disappointed in the first place:

• Birthdays - I schedule holidays so I am away for my birthday (just me and DP). This means I can plan what happens exactly, I don't have to deal with disappointment at plans changing last minute (or not being made), and I can still feel like I'm celebrating my birthday. (I also don't like being the centre of attention etc so this suits me for that reason too).
• Christmas - I make very detailed lists for gifts (either with links to specific items, or where not, categories but with detailed criteria making it really crystal clear what I do or don't like). People seem to appreciate the guidance of the list and I'm less likely to be disappointed - even if it does take some of the magic out of it. I also make sure to treat myself in the run up, and also always do a hamper for the local food bank to get myself in a Christmassy charitable mood and ground myself a bit.
• Most important - aggressively and consciously lowering my expectations for events like these (particularly from my partner who is otherwise kind and loving but whose approach to gift giving is far more typified by a "that'll do" attitude rather than by careful thought) so I can be excited about anything above that minimum effort bar rather than seriously bummed out otherwise.

Also I find when I do get in a rut because of something happening like this I need to just take 20 mins to myself and distract myself (e.g. look at pictures of cats on the internet or similar) because otherwise the funk can be really hard to shake.

By the way, it might be worth looking into "Rejection Sensitive Disorder" if you haven't heard of it before. It's something that is often co-occuring with ASD and ADHD and is certainly something I find very descriptive of the depth of feeling and hurt seemingly small disappointments from loved ones can trigger. I personally found just knowing about this helps me frame when I feel very sad about something my partner/family have (or more usually, haven't!) done. I don't know that I'll ever be able to stop feeling a bit let down but all the above has helped somewhat at least.

Anyway, best of luck and Happy Mother's Day to you!

Maybe lower your expectations? I can see you wanted a version of the day you didn’t get.. but they did do what you asked.

I think there’s a lot of instagram pressure on these days that you seem to have bought into.

You got a card and flowers and handmade cards from the kids (no reason he should be involved if they made them at school).

Sorry your breakfast was crap but burnt toast is somewhat traditional. Mother’s Day doesn’t usually involve presents like books. It most deffo doesn’t involve cards from the dog.

Going forward remind yourself to be realistic and also direct them a bit more - eg to a decent flower shop.

You do seem quite dismissive of your husband, so there might be something deeper to address there.

I'm autistic, and anything "out of the ordinary" like today can be HARD....it is ultimately a change of routine, which autistic people are known to typically struggle with (often greatly). It is often tempting to look for specific answers/ explanations (relating to gifts etc.) but maybe the day itself (and associated change) may be the primary thing which has unsettled you, resulting in your struggles with the things you have described? I may of course be way off, and apologise if so....that would certainly be very, very typical of both myself and my autistic children though.

Anyone saying this is spoiled behaviour / more related to emotional regulation than autism / anything else along those lines doesn't understand autism! Autistic people DO very often struggle greatly with emotional regulation, ESPECIALLY when our normal routine is changed (on a day like today). Of course, therefore, autistic people are likely to find "days which are out of the ordinary" difficult, perhaps exceedingly so, and we may very well not be able to fully understand, let alone explain, why (because this is another thing that we very often struggle with immensely).

I've been feeling massively fucking unsettled today OP. I don't know what the answer is but I do understand why you are likely to be struggling and it isn't your fault.

'Anyone saying this is spoiled behaviour / more related to emotional regulation than autism / anything else along those lines doesn't understand autism! Autistic people DO very often struggle greatly with emotional regulation, ESPECIALLY when our normal routine is changed (on a day like today). Of course, therefore, autistic people are likely to find "days which are out of the ordinary" difficult, perhaps exceedingly so, and we may very well not be able to fully understand, let alone explain, why (because this is another thing that we very often struggle with immensely).'

Absolutely!
My autism looks nothing like my DS's or DH's. My emotional regulation is spot on whilst I'm working BUT masking, keeping myself 'normal' to fit in is knackering.

From experience OP, don't ask for anything that can be cooked to be cooked by the kids, you can guarantee it won't be as you like......🤦🏻‍♀️😂
Croissants and pastries next year, and maybe a family activity instead of gifts, such as a walk. Or maybe they can book you a meal?

Build on your experience of what's not worked for you this year, to make next year work better for all of you - and remind your family that everyone has the right to do Mother's Day in the way it works nicely - doesn't have to be cards and flowers - can be anything you like, or nothing if you like