Autistic women - how do you cope with Mothers Day expectations vs reality?

[VioletShmiolet]

This is a question specifically for autistic women as I'm curious to know if it's just me that struggles with Mothers Day, birthday, Christmas day etc expectations

Diagnosed last year but have always remembered struggling with important dates. I always make sure to let people know what I want (if asked) for birthday/Christmas as I can't cope with disappointment very well. I am aware that makes me sound childish but this is where I think that it's linked to being autistic. My reactions are what they are and I can't disguise them.
This is well known in my family.
In the run up to today, I ordered the food shop as I normally would and bought bits for my breakfast (only crepes, nothing extravagant) and booked a table for me and my mum for lunch somewhere local.
My husband asked on Thursday what I would like so I replied a card and some flowers are fine knowing that he had no time left or imagination to get me anything else. My children and 8 and 11.
Please be aware I don't want or expect expensive gifts.
I adore reading, as they all know, so would have been pleased with a new book or even a waterstones gift card or similar.

This morning I woke up and was presented with soggy cold crepes and cards made at school (very sweet but no input made by husband) and flowers he bought at tesco when he bought his own mums bunch plus a card from the dog that he snuck out of his drawer to go and write in as he had obviously forgot to do so earlier.

Please don't tell me that I'm not his mum as that gives me the rage!
I always put in effort for Father's day and help our children make it a special day.

I am now in a mood that I can't shake and I am so annoyed with myself but I can't help but feel this way as it's not matched my plan or perceived plan for the morning.

If you experience similar please tell me how to manage this?

Yep, same here.

I do think you’re being really unfair. You requested flowers/card and you got them. You ordered crepes in your shop and they tried to make them for you.

Your kids made the card and your husband even bought you one from the dog (he nearly forgot but hey ho, he remembered it before it was too late!). They put effort in.

It sounds like you had super high expectations, like an image in your head about what the day would be like, revolving around you and making you feel special and treasured. They tried but most people don’t go above and beyond to make a huge deal - they just tried to show you that they cared in the way you asked and it missed the mark a bit. I would have loved that they did something to mark the day.

I agree with a pp - this sounds like an emotional dysregulation thing, rather than an ND thing. You can have both at once, where your emotional response to a situation is WAY out of proportion to the situation itself.

And, I’m ND, just for the benefit of the pp who stated that NTs should keep their views kff thos thread (because diversity of opinion should be stifled, natch, and understanding why an NT might not see an issue would apparently not be valuable at all…).

I don't have any expectations of it because both my adult children are ND and I don't put pressure on them regarding social fluff as I see it. Last year I received a card from ds1 and this year I received a card from ds2, so it's a nice surprise if I do receive anything. I go to church each Sunday and we don't go out for meals etc. as I think it's poor value for money. We're not really celebratory people, so it takes the pressure off all round. I know my kids love me and they know I love them so it's all good.

I agree with Cherryflavouranything. I'm surprised so many people can't see the issue. I have the same here, I know it's no consolation.
DP has decided he needs to spend today doing some very important food shopping for "a special meal" for me, instead of taking DS to football training outside in the pouring rain, which we usually both go to.

This is because he asked what I wanted and I said "for someone else to cook dinner."

I'm not sure this is related to autism tbf as others have also pointed out.

Personally I'm grateful for handmade cards. They mean so much more.

I’m sorry you didn’t have the day you wanted OP. What do you think would’ve made it the day you wanted? A book voucher and more organised breakfast? Can you communicate that to your partner?

the flowers and kids’ cards sound nice.

I don't understand your rage when you got what you asked for??

I have no expectations for Mothers day or Easter this has taken lots of work over many years, I do expect a card, I also send a link for whatever I want as my children ( both ND and now adults, DH ND too, I have even been asked to choose my own card which I just find funny) ask what I want.
Birthdays I've learnt to make plans, I always do something I like and always have the day off.
Christmas I manage as we now holiday just before ( get back around 23rd) and I'm too busy and jet lagged to give a shit, I don't want to do anything!

This morning I woke up and was presented with soggy cold crepes and cards made at school (very sweet but no input made by husband) and flowers he bought at tesco when he bought his own mums bunch plus a card from the dog that he snuck out of his drawer to go and write in as he had obviously forgot to do so earlier.

Can you reframe this? There was no need for dh input on the cards as dc made them at school. If my dh had said 'let's get cards'. My dc would have been all excited to say that they had already made them. This is a plus not a minus.

What flowers would you have preferred? Would you have preferred some from a florist? Bear in mind they will be about £40 for something very ordinary from a florist. Is this in your budget?
He thought about a card from the dog! That's so cute. So he did it last minute but he did it and all of his own volition. This is lovely.

I think you've gone into some negative think. He did fine.

If you're ND, look at it through that lens.

I have had no gifts / cards etc.

No one (including me) has stressed about making / buying cards, getting breakfast right, booking a tables etc etc. There have been no meltdowns / shutdowns / arguments etc. it's bliss.

I am autistic, as are DCs and husband.

It's a relief to leave all the NT expectations behind. DH said Happy Mother's Day on his way out to work, one DC has sent a text, the other one has I think forgotten. They show me in other ways throughout the year.

Ps there is a board called neurodiverse mumsnetters which might give you more helpful answers.

What strikes me about this post, and the replies, is that the assumption (by everyone) seems to be that it is the husband who should be organising things (or otherwise....)

But your oldest child is 11 - quite old enough to get themselves organised to source you a card and gift of some kind (providing dad or whoever bungs them a fiver - understand it's harder for kids in single parent families or if money is really tight).

My 11 year old made me a card and bought me chocolates and a small ornament, which are all lovely. Just like I got stuff for my mom at that age.

People who think it's the dad's responsibility in this case, what age do you expect the kids to sort it out themselves? I don't this to sound critical of OP or anybody else, I am genuinely curious.

It's funny how many other posts today basically saying the same thing . It's not an autism thing It's expectations v reality. And people often struggle to live up to others expectations

I'm autistic but I don't have huge expectations for Mother's Day. My dcs have made cards at school/nursery, and DH had a photo card printed. Some low key gifts that I specifically requested (something practical I needed - I dislike most typical gifts you'd get featured in a shop). And the rest of the day was a normal day, revolving around DC1's extracurriculars and some time spent as a family slotted in. It's been lovely. I'm thankful for my dcs and it's been enough to spend that time with them.

I struggle with remembering birthdays and dates. In March, me and mum share a birthday on the 30th and my stepdad is on the 21st, so she doesn't mind if I miss mother's day because she'd much rather I focus on the birthday. Dad is the same in regards to Father's day, so I just focus on his birthday in September, and my sister's in November.

I've lost a friendship through forgetting to message her on her birthday, even though we had gone out on the weekend prior (Birthday was a weekday so I was working) and we had gone out on the Saturday before, so I figured we had celebrated that day instead and didn't worry about messaging her when it was a busy day at work.

I’m autistic.

…best way to manage any festival is keep expectations to zero. Then anything you do get / do is a massive bonus.

am thrilled with the card and plant from the dog - totally unexpected and doubly special as I didn’t have any preconceived idea.

when my kids were little - I treasured every wonky drawing / misspelt card and lukewarm cup of tea they made me on Mother’s Day - none were ‘perfect’ - but everyone was them doing their best and each gesture was filled with such love. That means so much more than perfection to me.

The amount of ableism on this thread is shocking! Op I completely get what you mean, you stated what you would like and expected that some effort was put into those but sounds like what you got was a half arse attempt at it. You had the expectation that as you had asked for very little really effort would be made with them.
Personally I've gone away for the weekend on my own, no one to expect anything from except me! I hope your day gets better.

You asked for
Flowers & a card

You received
Flowers & a card

You have zero reason to be upset !

OP asked specifically for views from autistic mothers, it's literally in the thread title. It's like all the white people who go on to questions on the Black Mumsnetter page and explain why things aren't "racist".

There are a lot of comments on here saying that OP's feelings aren't "an autism thing". A NT person, or even a ND who isn't autistic is in no position to tell OP that what they feel.is nothing to do with autism.

It's like someone in a wheelchair saying that they are struggling with using trains - how do other wheelchair uses cope. And then a load of non-wheelchair users coming on to say it's not a disability thing, they also struggle with using trains for xyz reason.

@Isobel201

I think 🤔 your friendship you losed cause of accidentally not rembering that was her birthday ect,

I dont think this friendship was really that strong of friendship in the first place,

If your friend is that flaky doesn't want to know you anymore,
You saw her previously before her birthday,

I really think if someone rembers your birthday that's should be seen as a bonus
not a given
It shouldn't be something definitely your friend expected from you,

The way your flaky former friend is acting 🙄 like towards you
is like as if you have transgression a female or friends code like flirting with her man or taking the royal piss out of her ect,

At least now there is extra space for a reliable better kind of friend to enter your life and to take up her former place in your life too.

I agree.
There is also something more nuanced on here around autistic experiences. I only realised this year that I can't cope with Christmas because, as an autistic person, I had no realisation of what Christmas actually looks like for many people. I saw TV and film depictions and had internalised that as how everyone else experiences Christmas, so my experience felt empty, lacking, and a failure. I literally do not have the ability to reason what a more usual Christmas might look like.
Also, autistic people often don't quite get that you need to explicitly tell people exactly what you have in mind if you want them to get it exactly right. It's like "the picture's in my head. So I can only presume it is also in yours."
People don't seem to.understand that this is what autism can mean for many autistic people. Just because the OP told her dh what she wanted vit doesn't mean that's what she had in her head, and OP perhaps can't see why her DH's picture is different to hers.

Bloody hell, life is exhausting for us autistic people.

I’m autistic and don’t understand what the problem is.

From a logical perspective, you got exactly what you asked for. I’d be thrilled as I hate surprises.

Also from a logical perspective I don’t understand what your husband has done wrong. Your children gave you cards. I understand that the general expectation is that children do things for their mothers, and that has happened.

What the dog has to do with it I can’t fathom. Surely you aren’t a mother to a dog?

If you want something different you have to communicate it explicitly. Apparently people aren’t mind-readers, which is very unreasonable of them but there you go.

OP called me rude - odd to be picked out amongst a lot of similar comments. I did say the OP didn't sound very nice because I think that anyone who grumbles about their children's efforts (falling short) on Mothers day isn't very nice. My son is autistic so I do have some understanding. Yes, we ask and then buy him what he wants - never expensive a book maybe. However he would accept a homemade card and a soggy cake from his niece without complaint because he would recognise that not to do so would be ungrateful.

Your poor kids - I hope you pretended to be happy when they gave you their handmade cards…

You asked for a card and flowers and you got a card and flowers - what was you actually expecting??

Just because a poster doesn't state they have autism doesn't mean they don't have it , and those with ASD are not all the same. Personally I like to know exactly what is happening and struggle with any change of plan or surprises. Being ND doesn't preclude you from being hard work .