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Original poster

Would you want your DDs to marry someone like your DH?

137 replies

Anglophone · 10/03/2024 08:04

I love DH to bits but since have DD (14 months) he - like many it seems on here - has shown a shit side. I know that first year or so of having children is full of stress, over tiredness etc. but there have been a few occasions where honestly, he has lost every inch of respect he has gained as a pretty amazing husband over the last 10 years.

We have thankfully resolved most of these issues and he is being infinitely better with DD and with me. Although in the back of my mind I still resent the period where he wasn’t a supportive husband and the times he wasn’t the best father.

It got me thinking, honestly, deep down I’d never tell DD to marry someone like DH. I want better for her. The best in fact.

I am wondering if other women feel the same, not being super ‘unhappy’ with their husbands and definitely not unhappy enough to leave but wouldn’t want their daughters (or sons!) to marry someone like them in an ideal world.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 10/03/2024 09:33

I guess in a rose tinted way, you hope your daughter would marry someone with no discernible faults whatsoever. I can think of certain aspects of DH's personality that I would not wish anyone to have to deal with.
My DH and my Dad have quite a few personality traits in common. Weird to think of really. Dad died when I was a kid so it's not like he conciously influenced my choice of man. Not in looks or anything like that though. lol.

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:35

Patchworksack · 10/03/2024 08:12

How would your DD see into the future to know that her potential husband would struggle with new fatherhood?? If your DH was great for the first 10 years and is now working on whatever issues he’s had adjusting to being a father he sounds like one of the good ones.
Nobody is perfect and no marriage is without issues.

Oh definitely! It’s a theoretical in general since let’s be honest what adult child listens to their parents anyway when it comes to love!

Would still like to have a crystal ball though to see

OP posts:
HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 10/03/2024 09:35

Absolutely not.

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:36

DarkForces · 10/03/2024 08:17

Dh is an excellent team mate, prioritises dd and does his fair share around the house, he's generous, loving and kind. Don't get me wrong, he's been an utter dickhead during our decades together but the vast majority of the time he's been really supportive. We both agree big decisions, generally communicate well and give each other space and freedom to do what we want.

I encourage her to find someone who smudges her lipstick not her mascara and brings her joy.

Maybe this is the issue I’m fresh out of a dickhead period and it’s in mind a lot more

TBH it’s his only dickhead period in just over 10 years so he’s done well so far, but for me there have been maybe 2-3 incidents in the last year that for some reason I can’t really ‘get over’ even though they’re out of character for him.

OP posts:
Malarandras · 10/03/2024 09:37

I’d sooner my daughter joined the SAS than married a man like her late father.

Chylka · 10/03/2024 09:38

Yes! I really would! But I had a great example of the right type of chap from my own dad.

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:39

Phineyj · 10/03/2024 08:32

I'm going to advise her not to marry at all unless she's 100% convinced it's the best plan.

I'm also going to ensure her finances are solid.

A lot of women (not all) end up making their DH's life easier but the reverse is sadly not always or even often true.

Girls/women are not on this planet to make men's lives easier.

Oh yes! I can’t think of one woman I know whose life is made easier from marrying! Except maybe being able to join finances and get a larger property than if they were single.

I’ve always said next lifetime I’ll get a wife 😅

OP posts:
Britpop123 · 10/03/2024 09:40

I think without knowing what the “few occasions” were it feels very harsh to lose 10 years of respect for a partner so quickly.

WhiteDigestives · 10/03/2024 09:40

Absolutely. If we have a DD, I hope she’ll see what a wonderful example he is and set her standards accordingly!

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:42

FoxSticks · 10/03/2024 08:42

No I hope to god she doesn't. Don't mean to be bleak but I could have said word for work what you said about his behaviour when they were babies. Raising children requires you to be adaptive and it gets tougher when they start forming their own opinions and pushing boundaries. My husband is totally unable to cope with that and spends his whole life acting like a victim and raging against me and the children over issues he causes in my opinion. I spend my whole life managing everyone else's emotions, I'm like a referee and constantly walking on eggshells. My sister commented to me yesterday it must be exhausting being that angry all the time, it certainly is for me managing the constant fall out. I hope this is the year I can find a way to escape and finally build a happy and positive life for my family. Hopefully not putting up with it anymore will be the lesson my dd and ds need not to repeat their parents mistakes.

I hope you do manage to escape this year and find the emotional freedom you deserve 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:44

Dacadactyl · 10/03/2024 08:51

Yes I would be happy if DD married a man like her dad.

He goes above and beyond for us all and always has done. We come first, no matter what.

But OP, your child is very small still and in a testing stage. He may well improve as she gets older.

oh definitely

He has got so much better in the last couple of months in all areas - tbh I did say yesterday I’m concerned he has been body snatched!

He turned a corner with DD and the parenting side when she was about 7 months but only recently from the equal partner side

OP posts:
Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:46

Rosebel · 10/03/2024 09:00

Ideally yes but given that DD has already had an abusive relationship I'm just wanting her to end up with someone who treats her well.
And I think both of you change once you have a baby, no one can see in to the future.

I hope your daughter finds someone who is deserving of her time, affection and love Flowers

OP posts:
Enko · 10/03/2024 09:51

Dd1 is getting married next year and she is marrying a dude so similar to her father. I've been married to him for 28 years and yes at times he annoys me and irritates me but overall he is a good man.

Dd1s fiance is a good guy too and I think they will be happy.

So for dd1 I have no issue. Dd2 would end up unhappy with a man who wasn't as interested in her creative side. Dd3 I doubt she will.ever marry but if she did she would do ok with a guy like her father.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/03/2024 09:52

Rosebel · 10/03/2024 09:00

Ideally yes but given that DD has already had an abusive relationship I'm just wanting her to end up with someone who treats her well.
And I think both of you change once you have a baby, no one can see in to the future.

But, and I mean this with all kindness, given she’s been in an abusive relationship why wouldn’t you want her to run a mile from them all?

TammyJones · 10/03/2024 09:55

Absolutely 💯
He was much better than me.
Took a crying better a calmed him in minutes
Brilliant dad.

Original poster
Anglophone · 10/03/2024 09:56

Britpop123 · 10/03/2024 09:40

I think without knowing what the “few occasions” were it feels very harsh to lose 10 years of respect for a partner so quickly.

the few occasions were -
I do all the nights (she is breast fed, well was!) and one morning after 20 consecutive bad nights I asked for him to do the last morning wake (as she usually didn’t ‘need’ a feed for that one!) and let me lie in (so do the 5am - 8am slot) until 8.

I slept in the spare bed after my last ‘shift’ and had an alarm set for 8. The alarm went off and he came in and said ‘you never guess what she only woke up 10 mins ago’ so I then said ‘ah in that case I’d like to get maybe another 30 mins as I’m still knackered’ all i got was him being annoyed about it and huffing to DD ‘looks like mummy doesn’t want to spend time with you then’

The next week he came home from work and ‘needed a nap’ so went for a 30 min Power Nap, i went to wake him up (as i was a bit fed up having DD all day anyway) and he announce he was still tired and needed an extra hour.

To this day doesn’t see the hypocrisy of that incident. And there have been more daddy naps than mummy naps since she has been born…despite one of us definitely being more deserving of them. For example I have no doubt today he will nap whilst she contact naps on me this afternoon to make up for waking up with her at 07:00.

I asked for a lie in last Mother’s Day… apparently a lie in is now 06:30 because she had been up since 5.

We paid for a private room for my c section recovery so he could stay the first night after she was born, and because he was tired he went home. Despite me wanting him to stay. I know it’s not his ‘fault’ but I was ignored during the night and had to stand before I was advised to because midwives didn’t respond to my buzzer after 3 hours and DD was distressed over the other side of the room. It led to complications in my recovery and I do know if he was there I’d not have gone through that.

Those are the ‘big’ ones. I know some are petty but they’ve really stuck with me and I can’t seem to get over them so…

OP posts:
Britpop123 · 10/03/2024 10:01

They’re not great and on each occasion you’d be right to be annoyed.

id just like to think my relationship was ok enough for me to get things wrong sometimes, or for my partner to do the same, without worrying that the last 10 years counted for nothing.

caringcarer · 10/03/2024 10:08

My DD married a lovely kind reliable man who's a great father and husband. Thankfully he's nothing like her biological father but very like her StepDad.

Smartiepants79 · 10/03/2024 10:10

Yes, there are small things that would make him easier to live with - snoring for one! But he is a good man. Loving and supportive and generous. He has shown himself to be the best kind of father and was the best he could be through difficult early months and years.
They couldn’t do better than someone like him.

Whatafustercluck · 10/03/2024 10:11

Yes and no. And that's not to say he's not a great husband and father (he absolutely is) but life with him is not easy. He has adhd, so his moods can be very up and down and there are a lot of frustrations in a household where three people are ND (dd and ds have both inherited it). I mean, everyone has ups and downs, obviously, but it takes a huge amount of patience.

But he's funny, loving, thoughtful, hardworking (both at work and at home) and always puts me and the kids first. So our children could do much worse than marrying someone like that.

PansyOatZebra · 10/03/2024 10:12

Yes 100% my husband is kind, calm and loving. Of course I’d want my daughter to marry someone with similar traits.

Tintackedsea · 10/03/2024 10:15

Definitely. He's the biz.

I see similarities between Dh and my dad. They're both very practical, easy going (albeit stubborn) and excellent with kids. Both socially responsible and community minded. Outdoorsy and quite happy in their own company. Very hardworking. My dad can be very selfish though and is utterly entrenched in his ways. He had quite a traumatic childhood in many ways and I think that shows. My husband is much more affectionate and emotionally intelligent. I think part of that is generational and part is to do with the type of relationship Dh and I have built together.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 10/03/2024 10:16

Yes definitely
my DD and DP (her Dad) are really close and have a very similar really annoying sense of humour.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/03/2024 10:16

I'd love if my DS or DD married a man like my DH. He's trustworthy, caring, kind funny, hard working and loves looking after us. He's not their father but is the reliable man who will help them in life, as their father is extremely selfish and emotionally immature. The experiences with ex H are what makes me realise what matters in life.

Dontcallmescarface · 10/03/2024 10:22

Nope. I'd rather she married someone like her Granddad than her dad.