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Original poster

Would you want your DDs to marry someone like your DH?

137 replies

Anglophone · 10/03/2024 08:04

I love DH to bits but since have DD (14 months) he - like many it seems on here - has shown a shit side. I know that first year or so of having children is full of stress, over tiredness etc. but there have been a few occasions where honestly, he has lost every inch of respect he has gained as a pretty amazing husband over the last 10 years.

We have thankfully resolved most of these issues and he is being infinitely better with DD and with me. Although in the back of my mind I still resent the period where he wasn’t a supportive husband and the times he wasn’t the best father.

It got me thinking, honestly, deep down I’d never tell DD to marry someone like DH. I want better for her. The best in fact.

I am wondering if other women feel the same, not being super ‘unhappy’ with their husbands and definitely not unhappy enough to leave but wouldn’t want their daughters (or sons!) to marry someone like them in an ideal world.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 10/03/2024 08:32

I'm going to advise her not to marry at all unless she's 100% convinced it's the best plan.

I'm also going to ensure her finances are solid.

A lot of women (not all) end up making their DH's life easier but the reverse is sadly not always or even often true.

Girls/women are not on this planet to make men's lives easier.

Purpleturtle45 · 10/03/2024 08:33

I think what are are saying is probably the norm. I have a group of friends who are younger and all never had a bad word to say about their husbands, until they had children. I knew it was coming but kept quiet 🤣.

My husband is approaching 50 and I feel he is like a dinosaur compared to the young men you see on Love Island etc, I don't mean I'm terms of looks but more his emotional intelligence! I hope my daughter marries someone who is more in tune with their emotions.

BarrelOfOtters · 10/03/2024 08:34

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/03/2024 08:29

I wouldn’t want my DD to marry at all. I would much prefer her to have her own money and be self sufficient and not to have to be legally enmeshed with a man at all. Cohabitation and children with them fine but you always have to be able to get out with your money.

Christ that’s a bit bleak. I’ve alaway been careful not to rely on a bloke but you know….partnerships and all that.

Petrarkanian · 10/03/2024 08:34

Yes, she knows that how he treats us is how it should be. He is a king amongst men.

She also has very positive and negative male role models from our friends husbands, so she knows the difference.

theplanner24 · 10/03/2024 08:35

No I wouldn't

Like you my ex husband seemed like a decent man, good enough to marry, have a family with. None of us are perfect. All prone to selfishness etc but it's how you grow and mature that counts. I did. He didn't. And his negative personality traits as minor as they were in our 20s became gaping chasms in our late 30s and 3 children later

I read something recently

The wrong man teaches you can do it all by yourself

The right man knows you can but doesn't let you

That's the kind of man I want my girls to marry.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 10/03/2024 08:36

Patchworksack · 10/03/2024 08:12

How would your DD see into the future to know that her potential husband would struggle with new fatherhood?? If your DH was great for the first 10 years and is now working on whatever issues he’s had adjusting to being a father he sounds like one of the good ones.
Nobody is perfect and no marriage is without issues.

This. If your DH is will to discuss and work on things, that’s what you want. And I bet you’re not a perfect parent. And you’re being very heteronormative. Don’t assume DD will have a male partner

Rosesanddaisies1 · 10/03/2024 08:37

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/03/2024 08:29

I wouldn’t want my DD to marry at all. I would much prefer her to have her own money and be self sufficient and not to have to be legally enmeshed with a man at all. Cohabitation and children with them fine but you always have to be able to get out with your money.

But being married give you entitlement to the marital home and money. This is even more important if you have kids as most likely as the mum, you’ll sacrifice your earnings. I’d advise my daughters to only have kids once married

Mitsky · 10/03/2024 08:38

I married my dad, right down to the incredible niche job they both do. I’d be happy if any child of mine married someone like them.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/03/2024 08:38

My dad, yes. My DH, no. He's an excellent father but could improve a lot as a husband.

Cheesehound · 10/03/2024 08:40

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/03/2024 08:29

I wouldn’t want my DD to marry at all. I would much prefer her to have her own money and be self sufficient and not to have to be legally enmeshed with a man at all. Cohabitation and children with them fine but you always have to be able to get out with your money.

Ditto.

FoxSticks · 10/03/2024 08:42

No I hope to god she doesn't. Don't mean to be bleak but I could have said word for work what you said about his behaviour when they were babies. Raising children requires you to be adaptive and it gets tougher when they start forming their own opinions and pushing boundaries. My husband is totally unable to cope with that and spends his whole life acting like a victim and raging against me and the children over issues he causes in my opinion. I spend my whole life managing everyone else's emotions, I'm like a referee and constantly walking on eggshells. My sister commented to me yesterday it must be exhausting being that angry all the time, it certainly is for me managing the constant fall out. I hope this is the year I can find a way to escape and finally build a happy and positive life for my family. Hopefully not putting up with it anymore will be the lesson my dd and ds need not to repeat their parents mistakes.

43ontherocksporfavor · 10/03/2024 08:46

Absolutely. I got a good one. In fact my two adult DD’s have both said he’s a hard act for boyfriends to live up to.

RandomMess · 10/03/2024 08:47

100% no as he is so emotionally unavailable. Alas I know it's highly likely they will due to our subconscious bias to choose someone like our opposite sex parent.

Yirk · 10/03/2024 08:48

No way!! I'm lucky she choose a good husband.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 10/03/2024 08:49

I don’t have a DD but no. DH does fuck all except work and nothing I try to do changes it. I’m teaching DS to do better and so far he’s the complete opposite of DH.

Dacadactyl · 10/03/2024 08:51

Yes I would be happy if DD married a man like her dad.

He goes above and beyond for us all and always has done. We come first, no matter what.

But OP, your child is very small still and in a testing stage. He may well improve as she gets older.

louise5754 · 10/03/2024 08:52

No definitely not

louise5754 · 10/03/2024 08:54

And not like my dad either

bibbidiblobidyboo · 10/03/2024 08:54

I actively looked for someone as kind, reliable and thoughtful as my grandfather and not a flash Harry like my dad.
I would hope that my girls find someone like their dad. I think they know how lucky we are with him though. They see friends with awful
Dads and know that their dad would never ever behave like that.

Rosebel · 10/03/2024 09:00

Ideally yes but given that DD has already had an abusive relationship I'm just wanting her to end up with someone who treats her well.
And I think both of you change once you have a baby, no one can see in to the future.

puzzledout · 10/03/2024 09:04

TokyoSushi · 10/03/2024 08:11

Absolutely one million % yes!

Yes from me!

IndignantIguana · 10/03/2024 09:05

Definitely, but my husband isn't the biological father of some of my children. I would tell them all never to marry someone like their biological father, he's very nasty.

SanFranBear · 10/03/2024 09:11

Her actual dad... fuck no! He's turned out not to be remotely the man I thought he was for 11 years. As a pp said, you don't know how they might turn out - there's a reason you marry them after all!

My current partner... he's the polar opposite in many ways (and all for the better!) but we've only been together 18 months so still being swept off my feet.

DD is Bi anyway so not necessarily going to end up with a man - so obviously if she could marry a woman who is half the woman I am, she'll be a lucky one 😉

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/03/2024 09:13

RampantIvy · 10/03/2024 08:12

Same here.

Show quote history

Me too.
But I could have had no idea what sort of father he’d be when I married him! TBH he didn’t show much interest when I was initially pregnant with dd1, which did upset me a bit.
But he’s always been a fantastic dad to dds - and now a lovely grandpa, too.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/03/2024 09:28

But being married give you entitlement to the marital home and money. This is even more important if you have kids as most likely as the mum, you’ll sacrifice your earnings. I’d advise my daughters to only have kids once married

Of course if you don’t work or are the lower earner. But who lives like that nowadays?

If you bring the money to the table marriage is a huge trap which just leaches your money away.

It’s a good idea if you’re not planning to work but then who would set themselves up to not work in the first place? It’s an anachronism really these days unless you want to have a very traditional setup. Which I wouldn’t want for any DD of mine anyway.