To be sad DD might be limiting herself

[JanseyB]

I have twins, they are 17, in sixth form.
DD is on paper the more intelligent of the two, 8/9a at GCSE and predicted 2 A* and 2 As at a-level (French, German, Art and English). She is at a good local indie but the careers advisor seems to pay little attention to her (more interested in the Law, Medicine and Finance candidates).

DD has applied for Business/Management and German for uni. She's applied to Kings, UCL, Manchester, Bristol and Queen Mary, she has some offers back.

DD has now announced she wants to take a gap year, then maybe change her course of study all together. She has savings and will get some money for her 18th so she has said she wants to work and travel and figure it out.
DD actually wants to work in marketing but wants to do a degree related to foreign language as it's something she is naturally talented at.

DS is so much more put together, studying history then wants to do law and has a clear plan.

DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.

She is so smart, I wasn't massively supportive of her A-level choices and I feel like we are going through it again. She got a bloody 9 in maths at GCSE and it feels such a waste to throw it away. She's also very sociable, likeable, sporty and works so hard, it just seems she's a bit lost?!

DH and I are both doctors, our path was quite clear and laid out from leaving school so I'm not sure how to approach this.

AIBU thinking she might be throwing it all away. How can I get her better careers advice when school aren't helping? She used to want to work in finance and I'm a little sad that over the last 2 years that has lost appeal to her!

Anyone here know a path that might suit DD, with her want of modern languages under grad and marking as a career with study abroad and gap years?

I’d be much more concerned about your DS’s plans, to be honest.

Gently, I think you are being unreasonable. I am biased because I was pretty similar to your DD in some ways!

But I always found it very odd that anyone could know what they wanted to do for a career at school age. You have no real sense of the reality of a given career at that stage of your life. The things that really define the experience of a job - what kind of pressure it involves, what kinds of relationships matter, how political you need to be (or not), whether it allows you to go broad or deep in your experience...all these things are really hard to fathom from a) the vantage point of school and b) the mind of a teenager.

In other words, it's ok to have a vague idea and figure it out as you go, sampling and seeing.

I didn't even have a VAGUE idea at your DD's age! I read languages and literature at university. Spent a few years after graduating trying out various sorts of jobs. Found my dream career in marketing and now make 6 figures, with scope to earn hundreds of thousands a year if I continue to do well.

One thing I would say is that you don't need a specialist Masters to get into Marketing roles. So there's no reason to spend that time and money.

There are language degrees where the year abroad can be a year working for a company in that country. So it combines industry and language experience. That was on offer when I was at UCL. Just need to do the research!

She’s not a mini you. She’s her own person with her own path. Let her make her own choices.

DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.

That doesn't sound chaotic at all. It sounds like a plan.

It's just not the plan you want her to have. Back off and let her live her life!

Can’t imagine being disappointed because my child didn’t want to be a banker

Throwing it all away - you jest!

Intelligent girl; wise enough to know that she is to young to limit her choices; wanting to mature a bit before finally deciding; has definite ideas and plans ..... what's not to like?

Oh and I really recommend the book The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik, a child developmental specialist.

I think perhaps you are trying to be too much a "carpenter", rather than a "gardener". Create the conditions for growth, then let your DD flourish in her own way, rather than trying to carve out a life for her according to your ideas of success.

Maybe he doesn't actually want to do Law but knows History on its own isn't acceptable so it gets his DPs off his back and allows him to study his subject of choice.

I think yabu. I went to a very good university and lots of the people I met took gap years, years abroad, did master’s straight after undergrad - it was not chaotic, just normal.

I think your opinion is skewed because you and DH were the sorts to have it all figured out, and your DS is the same as you. DD isn’t strange or chaotic, she just has a different plan.

These are enriching plans she has - I think you should support her.

This. My husband is 62 now. When he was your daughters age he wanted to do engineering with marketing. He had the grades for it . It was at a uni he liked. His father was an engineer and incredibly domineering ( he was a bully) and saw pure engineering of some sort as the only way to go and vetoed it " I'm not paying for that bloody Mickey mouse degree" ( no student loans in those days ). He was sent off to do a degree he wasn't massively interested in . He worked for several engineering companies and for 20 years he worked in ....engineering with marketing. He was very happy, earned a large salary and retired at 55 with a fabulous pension and all the stuff that goes with it. He would have enjoyed the start of his career far more if he had been allowed to do what he wanted to do. It was his life not someone else's.
I went into teaching because it was acceptable to my parents. I should have done something practical ( floristry, theatrical costume design, garden design) but they would have been horrified if I'd said I wanted to do city and guilds at the tech so I did what they wanted. Let your daughter be. She isn't an extension of you ( or your social circle).

It is her life, not yours.

You can give an opinion but after that let her make her own choices.

As others have said your dd has a plan just not your plan - it sounds like she has thought things through and a gap year will help her firm up her choices. It’s so easy for young people to get put on a path which everyone expects of them - my own dd everyone had assumed would do Biology which she was very good at and had chosen A levels to facilitate this - I am so thankful at the end of year 12 she had the courage to say that what she actually wanted to do was Sociology and is now living her best life in Durham doing just that.

Let your dd be the person she wants to be - lots of people
get a 9 in GCSE maths but it doesn’t mean they have to be a doctor. It’s really sad you say you weren’t supportive about her A level choices and now recognise you are doing the same with degrees but aren’t willing to change what you are doing. She will undoubtedly know that you are prouder her brother who has chosen a “proper” (iyo) course with law.

Quite likely this.

But also, loads of people study something like History before a Law degree because they have an interest in another subject they wish to pursue at uni. It’s a well trod path & not unusual. Law as a degree subject is not very interesting unlike History.

I think a gap year is a good idea. I don't personally think a language degree is much use unless you want to teach. Not everyone wants the same lifestyle. Some settle in the next street to their parents and others venture to the other side of the world.

She probably said she wanted to do Finance to appease you. I work in Finance and there is no way that a 15/16/17 year old could really understand what that career entails. I was ‚set’ on doing an Engineering degree to follow my parents path. It was such a relief when my mum said that I really didn’t have to do it even though I was ‚set’ on it (even though I had the perfect skillset to do it).

If she can see the world, take a gap year that’s an absolutely brilliant idea.

It feels like what is scaring you is that her path does not offer a clear job at the end, contrary to medicine or law. It doesn't mean you need to worry per se. Many paths are like that and everyone survives!

I would advise against thinking that sciences are more important than Humanities. Both are important in different ways. Society couldn't function without either.

Your daughter sounds focused and while gap years can end up wasted years with some people, it doesn't sound like it would be the case for her. If anything she is likely go into her studies more focused and mature.

The only thing limiting your DD is your beliefs as to what her path should look like. She will work it out for herself but it will be so much harder if she feels pressured into something she doesn’t want to do. Careers don’t have to be linear.

A languages degree could be very useful for marketing if someone ends up working in an international company. For example, my daughter works for a company whose HQ is in Germany so would be able to advance more if she was fluent in German.

She's 17! It sounds like she has a great plan and even if she didn't she's only 17! Let her live her life.

That is just not true. I did a languages degree and am doing pretty well as a solicitor at a commercial firm in the city. Plenty of my colleagues studied languages.

This post isn't about her, it's all about you.

You believe other people are 'wasting themselves' if they don't harbour ambitions for a career in medicine of something similar.

That is just not true. I did a languages degree and am doing pretty well as a solicitor at a commercial firm in the city. Plenty of my colleagues studied languages.

My friends daughter is a very talented classical musician and singer. My friend had dreamt of her daughter going to some hugely prestigious music school and travelling the world performing. A friend of her daughter ( who isn't anywhere as near as talented ,according to my friend) is doing just that. Friends daughter said that she wanted to keep music as the fun part of her life rather than a career. She went into accountancy. Horror of horrors she did it vocationally rather than going to uni. She did very well. The company who trained her kept her on afterwards. She is further in her career than if she had gone to uni and then found a job in the real world. She has a house and is getting married in the summer. My friend now admits that she was totally wrong in her thinking and is glad her daughter was strong enough to stand up to her and do it her own way. Don't let your daughter have to fight you.

Your daughter could study hard and train to be the highest paid professional in the world but will that make her happy?

Stop putting pressure on her and let her figure out her own path. Let her know you support her in whatever she does and step back.