Neighbours keep asking for favours!

[Popcornlassie28]

My husband and I live in a village around 15 minutes from the local shops etc. We currently have two children and I’m pregnant with our third. We both work (I work shifts) and I’m also studying at uni so I’m always constantly busy being a mother, at work or as a student.

My neighbours are middle aged with no children. One drives and the other doesn’t. Recently due to medical reasons the one who drives has had to stop driving until a health clear.

Since then, I will be home with the children before/after school, getting ready for work or coming off a night shift that morning and SO ready to sleep and my neighbour will come knocking asking to be taken to work often because she’s ’missed the bus’, ‘bus doesn’t run at this time’ etc. They do not take no for an answer and she will return two, three times plus until I answer as she knows I’m home as my car is in the driveway. She is very forceful.

I haven’t minded up until this point helping where we can but it’s getting a bit much. There is never any offer for fuel money either and it’s a 30 minute round trip to drop her to where she needs to go.

In the warmer weather, they will put their heads over the fence while I’m relaxing in my garden to ask for things and ask my children ‘Go and grab Mummy/Daddy’ so they can ask for more lifts/favours. My garden should be a safe haven where my children can play and we should relax without being bothered? Or am I wrong here? I would knock the front door and if they don’t answer I wouldn’t dream of being that pushy.

I have been polite to keep the peace but they are now asking my husband to give lifts at 8am into work on Sunday morning as ‘bus isn’t running’ and even though I’m pregnant ‘Can you pick up the 2 litre bottles of water from the shop for me? They are heavy for me to carry on the bus’. My husband is saying it’s going too far and to start pushing back and being forceful with her.

How can I be forceful but polite? Am I being unreasonable? I am terrified when the baby comes she will be banging the door down to be taken out when I’ve just got them settled and I don’t want to fall out but I know I will lose my temper at this point.

That classic Friends line from Phoebe would work well here.

"Oh I wish I could but I don't want to."

Look them straight in the eye and say 'You've asked far too many times. Its expensive and hugely disruptive to be your driver. I'm won't be doing any more lifts you will have to find alternative plans'.

If they seem to huff and argue just say 'We are very busy with young children and jobs and another baby on the way. We did it because its important to us to be good neighbours but you have completely taken advantage. When did you ever even offer to pay petrol. Its embarrasing that you haven't and just continue to expect others to so what you ask for nothing'.

Look them straight in the face, dont be agressive or apologetic, just completely honest. Try end it on a note of 'We will always try to be polite and pleasant neighbours for you but you cannot use us anymore like this. Ok, it was good talking to you and important to be clear'. Then walk away.

I’d try to avoid any tension but be a smiley and polite broken record.
“Unfortunately I can’t do that because I don’t have the energy. Actually, while you’re here you can just mind the children/do an errand/random unreasonable request for me thanks”
unfortunately sounds an apology but isn’t one. And only you can say if you have the energy or not so it can’t be argued with. If you put in a counter request every single time I’m sure their requests will soon dry up. it will take a while but persisting with the exact same phrase is usually very effective.
Also mention how much help you’ll be needing when the baby arrives, so they know you’ll step it up if they don’t back off.

Why are you worrying about being polite? They aren't. You need to put your foot down.

Next time she asks, tell her there’s an app that can help. It’s called Uber they deliver food and groceries, and she can also order a taxi.

Tell her you’re more than happy to show her how to use it, as you can no longer be her personal taxi and delivery service.

Hopefully she’ll be Uber grateful or Uber pissed off 😂

Just read a few more of your replies and it makes my blood boil for you, I would absolutely dispense with being polite. Be as shitty with her as you want, it will feel cathartic... I'd not be polite when answering the door at all 'you've interrupted me, what do you want?', if she bothers you in the garden tell her to go away etc. Create an atmosphere right back. People like this count on you being frightened of confrontation.

I absolutely agree with this. They sound incredibly selfish and don’t sound like nice people at all. I can understand asking the odd favour when they catch you in the car on the way to the shops but even THEN, you really aren’t obliged to do anything at all. Stop being nice!

I completely get why you don't want to deal with the awful, aggressive atmosphere when you say no. I'd be exactly the same. The thing is, you're already dealing with a perpetual awful atmosphere when you say yes. You feel frustrated, exploited, unhappy and used and are constantly living in anticipation of the next time she puts you on the spot. It's not like when you help her everything's rosy, because you're just living in dread of the next time and you've made that next time more likely by saying yes and setting expectations.

So if you're going to be miserable either way, say no forcefully. That way, there's a horrible atmosphere, but you're not inconvenienced - which is a big win - and there's a chance it will settle into a slightly frosty no contact, which would be fab.

Just say no, it doesn't work for us. CLose door. Repeat. Stop being wet about it

Local taxi service flyer print out and hang over

Tell her you have explosive diarrhoea so there is no way you are going anywhere.

This is simply not working anymore so my answer from now on is no.

hard face on.

I could explain because I understand your situation but you are not understanding of our situation so my answer from now on is no.

door closes

good luck!

Wow just seen your update! She's really rude! I'd actually say, "please stop knocking on my door, asking for lifts." If she carried on I'd tell her, go away. You've been far too nice and polite.

See this is a sensible approach. You have to stop this now in plenty of time before baby arrives. If not she'll be expecting you to load baby into the car at a moments notice and that will be your tipping point.The last thing you need when you've just given birth is the stress of an almighty argument with next door Nora. Sort it now so it allows the situation time to settle down.

The suggested response from @WigglyVonWaggly :
"’Look - I think we need to have a bit of a chat about this. We’ve now given you lots of lifts and been to the shops for you loads of times. But we can’t do this any more for you. So, we won’t be giving you any more lifts or doing shop runs for you. You’ll need to make other plans.’
(I just removed the explanation that they don't deserve from her comment)

Another way to deal with the requests for lifts is to answer the door and when they say "Can I get a lift the bus hasn't been" would be to respond "Does my car have a taxi sign on the roof??? No?? Then I'm not a taxi" and close the door. Then a little while later you could apologise for how you spoke but not the message "Oh I'm so sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier. You caught me off guard but just to reiterate, we won't be available to be bringing you places. You'll have to start using Uber or the taxi firm in the village/town."

Yes they may be put out but you've been putting yourselves out for them for too long and they are taking the piss now.

OP in your place I would set up sprinklers in the front lawn and turn them on when she rings the bell
alternatively agree to give her a lift but say you have no money for petrol and ask her to pay for filling up your tank

she will soon stop asking

I would just say "No, not now or ever again, it won't matter how much you knock on my door or peep in my windows the answer is no, because I don't want to." then close the door. If she glares at you in future either glare back or don't even look her way.

this is perfect ⬆️

I would move houses. This sounds scary. This woman is dangerous.

Oh my this sounds awful .. there are a few elderly people in the village I Live and I offer to get them bits from shops and always only a call away but the difference is they have never took this for granted. I offer if I can and they accept but they are always respectful. Your neighbours are not. Time to put ur foot down xx

Don't give an audience to her moaning. Don't stop working at task if she rocks ups keep going then use one word answers e.g. "Indeed" and minimal eye contact ...attend to childrens needs first and foremost in her presence on every occasion. If she knocks door do not answer....you may be resting, bathing kids or whatever even if your car is there. It will slowly slowly give her the message that she cannot use you like this. Don't listen to "sob stories" and fane no interest in anything she may say. On every occasion you meet her give her less and less time.....5mins, 3mins , 2 mins on 3 occasions. And don't listen to arguments back from her e.g it allows you to feel manipulated, again fane little interest and go back to life with your kids. Remember you are modelling behaviour for your kids. What you do they will learn. All this will help towards this woman sucking the energy out of you.

Yes this is exactly what you need to do. In the end the solution to all theses kinds of questions is you just have to accept a bit of a confrontation because you've been taken advantage of. Can't be avoided.

Personally I'd be blunt,oh can I get a lift I've missed the bus .no get the next one and while we're at it ..don't ask me for anything again.i did it with a neighbour asking for a lend of £20 ,I gave him it but told him I didn't want it back but never knock on my door asking for anything again.

Practse saying - NO, sorry - with a smile.
They can't grab your keys and force you to drive.
Consistently say NO. I can phone you a taxi.

Quite apart from the lifts etc. CFery, please get the trellis up asap, before the warmer weather. Now is a good time to plant some climbers to smother it, too.

CF she's going to have to leave the house sooner or get a taxi. You are not an unpaid taxi service. She is really cheeky to ask. Plenty of other people manage by public transport and walking.