Neighbours keep asking for favours!

[Popcornlassie28]

My husband and I live in a village around 15 minutes from the local shops etc. We currently have two children and I’m pregnant with our third. We both work (I work shifts) and I’m also studying at uni so I’m always constantly busy being a mother, at work or as a student.

My neighbours are middle aged with no children. One drives and the other doesn’t. Recently due to medical reasons the one who drives has had to stop driving until a health clear.

Since then, I will be home with the children before/after school, getting ready for work or coming off a night shift that morning and SO ready to sleep and my neighbour will come knocking asking to be taken to work often because she’s ’missed the bus’, ‘bus doesn’t run at this time’ etc. They do not take no for an answer and she will return two, three times plus until I answer as she knows I’m home as my car is in the driveway. She is very forceful.

I haven’t minded up until this point helping where we can but it’s getting a bit much. There is never any offer for fuel money either and it’s a 30 minute round trip to drop her to where she needs to go.

In the warmer weather, they will put their heads over the fence while I’m relaxing in my garden to ask for things and ask my children ‘Go and grab Mummy/Daddy’ so they can ask for more lifts/favours. My garden should be a safe haven where my children can play and we should relax without being bothered? Or am I wrong here? I would knock the front door and if they don’t answer I wouldn’t dream of being that pushy.

I have been polite to keep the peace but they are now asking my husband to give lifts at 8am into work on Sunday morning as ‘bus isn’t running’ and even though I’m pregnant ‘Can you pick up the 2 litre bottles of water from the shop for me? They are heavy for me to carry on the bus’. My husband is saying it’s going too far and to start pushing back and being forceful with her.

How can I be forceful but polite? Am I being unreasonable? I am terrified when the baby comes she will be banging the door down to be taken out when I’ve just got them settled and I don’t want to fall out but I know I will lose my temper at this point.

Dealing with this brusquely and efficiently will set you up for the future if/when CFs try to take advantage when your children are at school etc.
See it as a development opportunity which will save you a world of pain and nuisance if you practise the no-nonsense boundary-setting skills now! Good luck!

Do not do anything formal like reporting to the Police unless it gets really out of hand, you would have to disclose it if you decide to sell. I bet her other half is just watching her do her usual thing and expecting it to go tits up any time. It's a shame you ever said yes but I agree to let your DH be "bad cop". Good luck, you don't deserve this

Tell her you too pregnant to drive unnecessarily, you shouldn't be driving after a night shift, and going forwards you can no longer give lifts/collect shopping etc. especially once baby is born you can't have the disruption.

But that wasn’t the question as to whether she was being unreasonable! I’m sure she realises they shouldn’t have started it but to be deemed unreasonable because they did, when they were just initially trying to help out people in need

Personally I wouldn’t wait until you get the next knock on the door.
I think this needs to be treated more seriously and warrants a special visit to their house.

I would go around to theirs with your dh and both of you point out that you are no longer in a position to help.
Give your neighbours local taxi numbers and tell them which stores deliver food.
Then explain you’re having work done on the garden, including raising the fence height with trellis and hope the work doesn’t disturb them.
Apart from raising the fence you can also buy pregrown hedging up to 1.2m.it will take a while to get higher but at least you can look forward to being left alone in your garden in the future.

There is no need to explain why you can no longer help, if you give an excuse of ‘ I’m pregnant’ etc. then they’ll just wait till you aren’t. Some people need to just be told.

It's going to be harder for you to put up boundaries now since they are used to taking you for a ride. Probably they will really rail and push back at the boundaries. You need to be firm and stand your ground, even if it leads to awkwardness/ this difficult and odd neigbhour being annoyed with you.

"This has all got a bit much, honestly. We're not in a position to keep offering free lifts all the time."

"We're beginning to feel a bit put upon by all of these demands. We need to step back and prioritise our own family."

"We're not going to be available for lifts any more. You're going to have to find a different solution to your problem."

She is banking on you not wanting to feel awkward. You have to allow there to be an awkwardness and hold your ground.

I read the post fine! I read the original post of op asking if she was being unreasonable to tell the neighbour she wouldn’t be doing it anymore, not if she was unreasonable having started helping in the first place 🙄
Seems to be a lot of people that wouldn’t even consider helping out their neighbours in the first place on here. I think the OP should get some 👏🏻 for helping out initially, but now, no, neighbours are cf taking the absolute piss

I don't think that you should get your husband to go round and give her the message, as it makes you look weak. This kind of CF will wait until he is out and then still come round and bug you, as an easy touch.

I also agree that any excuse or reason you give for not doing what she wants, will be seen as an opening for her to suggest ways round whatever the obstacle is.

Although I also like the What? What do you want now? reply, it won't be enough to make her pause and consider that she's being a CF, as she's so oblivious and selfish.

A firm and unembellished NO is the only way to stop her in her tracks.
No is indeed a complete answer.

What Mum had to say to a person who had taken to asking far too much, was, very bluntly, 'I am not, cannot be, and will not be, your support person'.

Agree with this, except for giving them local taxi numbers and which stores deliver food. Let them do their own work - otherwise they'll be full of excuses about taxis not being available, stores not able to deliver when they want, etc. etc. People like this only understand bluntness - 'no' is the response. You don't have to defend yourself - let them sort their lives out. They should have considered the possibility of the driving half of the partnership becoming incapable of driving before they bought the house - it's not rocket science. Or she should learn to drive.

Dont give her any reasons - that just allows her to negotiate.

A clear, simple "no, I can't". Then immediately start a general chat, something like "arent the daffodils looking nice" or "isnt it a shame about Mr Smiths guinea pig," or whatever.
She'll either say something rude "fuck the guinea pig! I want a lift!" At which point you can tell her "no" again. Or she'll say "hmm, yes, a terrible shame" at which point you IMMEDIATELY jump in (before she can ask for a lift again) and say "Anyway, I gotta go, nice chatting" and shut the door quickly.

Every time. If it doesnt work, keep with the "no, I cant" and follow with "nice to see you, but I better let you get on" and shut the door quick.

If she sulks, either enjoy the peace or be very thick skinned and determined "hello! Ooh, HELLO-O! How are you Mrs Neighbour?" If shes rude in reply then thats great because the next time she asks for a favour you can say "no...the last time I said hi to you you swore at me".

Alternatively, tell her to fuck off.

Don’t worry about saying no or appearing rude. “No, I can’t do that. I can’t give you a lift, carry heavy bottles of water, pick or drop you off.
Tell that Tesco or Asda deliver (insert shop of choice).”
She isn’t worried about being a cheeky fecker is she?

Give her the number of a local taxi.
Dont go running when she calls the kids over.
I had a neighbour like this, she would ask me to give her a lift to the shops or into town or to her mothers house, the dentist, hospital.
The final straw was when she asked me to take her to another town to look at a puppy she was interested in, I waited outside the house for over an hour while she was looking at this puppy. I learned later that while me and my own dd and her dd were
sweltering in the car she was having tea and cakes with the dog breeder.
The next time she asked I flat out said “No, I can’t, the library has the bus timetables” and she never asked again.

im a push over as well. i have neighbours who knock every other weekend to borrow something a brush/wire cutters etc, i get fed up, i now hear knock ast door freeze and dont answer, my dog barks but i could be in shower etc, every 3rd week i get a text at 7pm , she will leave the key hiddem =n for me to let her dog out in back garden between 12 and 1pm, she is going to london for business meeting, last 3 times i have been out rushed back for her dog, while they are in their back garden they dont evan have a wee. so have dec eided next time they demand i do it, i will say a firm no .be strong some people use people .

My neighbour was a nightmare...if i went in garden...he was out...im sure he waited for door to go and whoosh!! There he was. Not a hello and go...but trying to talk for hours! Id get nothing done..and hes the most misogynistic, negative person ive ever met.
I had enough...said ' im going to say hello but now im going to relax in my garden, have a good day'. Off i went. I heard tutting...then 'did i tell you....' i ignored it as if couldnt hear. He was a nightmare..hang washing out..there ..weeding..there...greenhouse..there..glass wine on patio...there!
Was getting where i didn't go in garden ..so i put stop to it.

Just make out you misunderstand everything she says..

I've come round for a lift

We don't have one , there's only two floors

In the car I mean

Oh, you've learnt to drive , can I come ?

I mean, take me to work

You're not qualified to work where I work

She'll soon give up , job done .

You don't have to be polite anymore. That's not to say be rude, but you do need to stand up for yourself.

"Sorry, that's not possible, bye." That's it.

If she knocks again,

"I have told you that I will not be taking you to work/ fetching your shopping, and I am busy. If you knock again I will not answer the door."

How can I be forceful but polite?

You cannot be. Both your DH and yourself have to be upfront, blunt and clear. She's harassing both of you and will likely continue. It's really difficult when dealing with someone like this but if you do not say something it will just continue. Be prepared for her tantrums and worst attitude.

You’ve been way too helpful. And you’re worryingly too much about being polite. time to set some boundaries.

Dont wait for another demand. Your DH should go round this weekend when they are both there, so her husband can hear and just state very clearly that there won’t be any more lifts or shopping or favours from this weekend onwards. And they are not to knock or lean over the fence.

Better not to be dreading the next time and how to manage the confrontation- just head it off. Because this woman sounds despicable. 🌺

I strongly advise you to put a camera at your doors or a ring doorbell today, and one in your back garden as she likes to 'talk at' your children over the fence. You need to cover yourself here.

And then tell her you will no longer be giving rides or doing errands for her. She can use the bus, call a taxi, Uber, etc, but it won't be you. Tell her you would like her to not talk to your children over the fence or approach them as it's inappropriate as you are not friends and she is asking small children to do favours for her. Not acceptable.

If she persists, log a harassment complaint with the police and go from there.

Someone like this, you can't be nice and make an excuse as all they hear is "Try again in five minutes".
Same with the awful atmosphere. That's on purpose. It's manipulative, punishing you for trying to say no.
You need to stop worrying about her glaring at you. You said you didn't want to be a bitch, but sometimes that's exactly what you should be.
I've had people like this. Your only choice is to either be that bitch or have them walk all over you.
Next time she asks, I recommend "No, I'm not going to do that. I was happy to do the occasional favour but you've taken the piss with it, so no more."
And any time, she asks again, just go with "I already told you no".
If she gets your five year old to call you, "I told you I wasn't going to do more favours, stop hassling my child".
And if she starts complaining about other stuff in retaliation, just say "Nonsense" and walk away.
As soon as she realises she's getting nowhere, she'll start annoying someone else to do things for her. Unfortunately some people need a hard no

No one can force you to tell her no. But if you don’t, imagine this behaviour from her shortly after birth when you’re resting!

OP I empathise with you, but I think you need to ask yourself why you have been tolerating this kind of behaviour. Your neighbour is obviously someone who is so selfish and self-centred and only thinks about her needs.

It's very hard for some people to set boundaries with others and this could be for many different reasons - upbringing, fear of conflict, not knowing how to set boundaries, feeling guilty etc.

I think when you figure out what has been preventing you from protecting yourself and your family from this harassing behaviour, it'll be easier to say no and feel ok about it.

definitely put trellis up . Your garden should be your sanctuary.

get a ring doorbell .

and then yes keep saying no .

Dont say "Sorry I can't" you dont need to apologise. A simple no unfortunately that doesn't suit us now.
Just be short and clear.
Overtime they should get the message
The new baby may actually help as you can say baby is napping/due a nap/ feeding
They are taking advantage of you, i notice they never do you any favours. You really need to be firm but polite. Id also look at raising your fence on their side/getting some trees, we have a massive hedge between us and our neighbour cant imagine them being able to pop their head over when they want so rude

Just saw someone mention ring door- great idea you can just answer the doorbell on your phone"I'm actually in the middle of something at the moment so no cant take you out, hope you get sorted" then dont answer it again