Neighbours keep asking for favours!

[Popcornlassie28]

My husband and I live in a village around 15 minutes from the local shops etc. We currently have two children and I’m pregnant with our third. We both work (I work shifts) and I’m also studying at uni so I’m always constantly busy being a mother, at work or as a student.

My neighbours are middle aged with no children. One drives and the other doesn’t. Recently due to medical reasons the one who drives has had to stop driving until a health clear.

Since then, I will be home with the children before/after school, getting ready for work or coming off a night shift that morning and SO ready to sleep and my neighbour will come knocking asking to be taken to work often because she’s ’missed the bus’, ‘bus doesn’t run at this time’ etc. They do not take no for an answer and she will return two, three times plus until I answer as she knows I’m home as my car is in the driveway. She is very forceful.

I haven’t minded up until this point helping where we can but it’s getting a bit much. There is never any offer for fuel money either and it’s a 30 minute round trip to drop her to where she needs to go.

In the warmer weather, they will put their heads over the fence while I’m relaxing in my garden to ask for things and ask my children ‘Go and grab Mummy/Daddy’ so they can ask for more lifts/favours. My garden should be a safe haven where my children can play and we should relax without being bothered? Or am I wrong here? I would knock the front door and if they don’t answer I wouldn’t dream of being that pushy.

I have been polite to keep the peace but they are now asking my husband to give lifts at 8am into work on Sunday morning as ‘bus isn’t running’ and even though I’m pregnant ‘Can you pick up the 2 litre bottles of water from the shop for me? They are heavy for me to carry on the bus’. My husband is saying it’s going too far and to start pushing back and being forceful with her.

How can I be forceful but polite? Am I being unreasonable? I am terrified when the baby comes she will be banging the door down to be taken out when I’ve just got them settled and I don’t want to fall out but I know I will lose my temper at this point.

Maybe answer when she ms on the ring doorbell. You might feel braver?

Can I ....

No sorry, I'm busy. I've got the number for a taxi if you need it. Or have you tried getting online shopping, that's what we do.

Basically direct her on, so she can't complain that she's 'stuck' with no help.

Absolutely insane and well beyond CF'ery. I'm hate confrontation and would also find this initially difficult but you/DH need to be firm and say NO with no apology, so bloody rude of them and id be getting a taller fence up asap. And getting my kids to sit at an upstairs window with a water pistol when she comes

Came on to say this. Completely understand that for some people it isn't easy to say no to someone's face so do this, post it through late at night and then (if it was me hide/avoid them for a few weeks 😅) act like everything is normal when you see them again.

Ask her if she's ever heard of such a thing as cabs (I know, I know, cabs don't like coming out to rural areas - but the answer to this is 'tough').

People like this only understand bluntness, I'm afraid. They don't pick up on nuances. You just say 'no can do' and that's it. If they get narky, they're no loss, as these people just get more and more encroaching on your time and you'll end up as their servant. Not even offering petrol money's a bloody cheek as well - the nerve of some people is amazing!🙄

edited for typo

Try this,,knock on door you open it and say Oh not today lady do fuck off I am not in the mood.Close the door smile to yourself and get on with your day. With any luck you will have left her totally confused and bewildered at the unexpected outburst! If she picks her jaw up off the floor and knocks again ignore do not answer her. A short sharp shock is whats needed her.

Literally just say no!
No explanation, no excuses, just no and close the door

OP this woman sounds quite intimidating and it can be very difficult to be assertive with people like that. But unfortunately you do need to gather the strength to be firm and tell her that her requests for help have to stop. She is bullying and harrassing you. Remind yourself of that when you are feeling bad about saying no to her. The time for worrying about good neighbourly relations have long gone. She does not care about you, or your wellbeing or your family. She does not care about making unreasonable demands of you. She does not care if she is inconveniencing you or upsetting you or causing you extra stress in your pregnancy. She is not a nice person. She is not a good neighbour. She is a very unpleasant bully and from now on you need to have cast iron boundaries and be crystal clear about asserting them. Remember you do not have to think up excuses, she has no right to that information.
So use the next time she comes around as an opportunity. Take a deep breath before you answer the door, then say very firmly, "No we can't help you, we won't be able to help any more in the future, and from now on I would like you to stop calling around." You will find your own words but there needs to be no explanations and no apologies. Practice this to yourself in advance so you are ready when she calls. Repeat again and again. Speak to her husband and give him the same message. Make sure your husband is on the same page. From now on it is a blanket NO to all requests.
It is empowering to be assertive, it does not make you a bad person. You will also be modelling good boundaries and assertiveness to your children which is an excellent life lesson.
Oh and arrange to get a bigger fence. You are entitled to your space and your privacy. Good luck.

She sounds horrible. She doesn’t give a shit about you or your family. You’re just objects to use. She sees your kindness as weakness. She’s not grateful and she doesn’t care how much she inconveniences you or interrupts you.

If you don’t want to cause a scene, simply say “No, neighbour. We’ve shifted our work hours round now due to the imminent arrival of baby, so we won’t be available to do any lifts at all. Also, due to the work change and loss of income, we don’t have spare money to cover extra petrol anyway. Here are the numbers of local taxi firms and a driving instructor who we’ve heard is really patient with older people like yourself who never learnt to drive.”

As for her looking over the fence and summoning you via your children, tell your children to say Mummy/Daddy is busy, and if she asks you yourself just say the same - you’re busy. If you happen to be relaxing and she replies that you’re not busy, then say Yes, I am. Also, raise the fence so she can’t intrude on you like this.

Tell her to stop fucking harrassing you or you will report her to the police. Do it in an angry and fed up voice - she will stop.

Instead of opening the door, can you open an upstairs window and shout down
.... Whatever it is that you want this time, the answer is No!

Then just close the window and refuse to engage further.

We have an older neighbour with some OCD or Aspergers, is always out, inspecting the road, bins, moving things, sweeping leaves and sometimes tried to tell me what to do with an angry voice. Only once I shouted at him to go away from me and that he is not my husband to talk to me like that and that I will call the police. So he said: oh ok, allll riggghtttt with a sarcastic voice and stopped indeed. This is all you need to do. To tell them to fucking leave you alone. You are not interested, you are no one to them and that is that.

This is just crazy and awful. I really don’t know what you can do, but here are some silly suggestions:

1. drive her but dress as a clown and keep leaning out the window and shouting “make way for Mrs (Annoying Neighbours name) the most Magnificent, erudite and beautiful chicken whisperer in all the land!
2. When you drop her off get out the car and loudly call after her “I hope the cream clears up that awful fanny rash!”
3. Eat beans and artichokes for every meal fart disgustingly all the time your driving her - child lock the windows.

In all seriousness, this needs to stop before baby arrives.

Moveoverdarlin ·

The new baby is a great excuse. Get DH to say to them ‘Look as of now we are going to have to knock the lifts on the head, Jane is struggling being so heavily pregnant and when the baby comes, we can’t have the door bell going all the time and waking the baby. If you need to get hold of us ungently, use WhatsApp.’

If they ask again, say ‘No can do Julie, Jane is exhausted and I have to take her for an appointment in a bit. Try TF taxis, they’re great! Cheerio’.

When the baby is born and you bump in to them you should say… ‘Hi Julie, Hi Mark! Baby’s born, it’s a lovely little boy! We’ll call on you for babysitting, you owe us after all those lifts!!!

Theyll shit themselves and run a mile.

This ^ is a good response. Minus the WhatsApp bit, of course. And get that lattice top for the fence so no more looking over into yours. Doorbell goes, answer and say we're resting, can't help this time, ask someone else. Any repeated knocking should be met with a cross 'we said no!' Maybe get a Ring doorbell and a padlock on your front gate which you lock on Saturday evenings so no more 8am Sunday morning demands.

Current version of ring doorbells allow you to have a preset message play like “we’re too busy to answer” and it’s a generic computer voice so that might help.

Also ring doorbells will obviously record every time she does this and builds up a picture of harassment. (Are ASBOs still a thing?)

Quite honestly, I would get some kind of restraining order. I agree with others that this is harassment - they need to move closer to where they need to be or use taxis/ food delivery services.

Get a Ring/blink doorbell. When you see it’s her , just say I’m busy, please go away. You can do that from your phone, so you don’t even need to go to the door.

act like a doormat and you will definitely be treated like one

I found this advice an absolute revelation a few years ago - the notion that I did not, in fact, have to do inconvenient things I didn't want to do was extraordinary, I bloody love MN! Sometimes having a consensus that you're allowed to say no can give your backbone a helpful stiffening.

I have a feeling if you tell her no she might finally go away and on to the next person. I feel for you having to not feel comfortable in your own home. I have a neighbor like this. She once called me at work because she wanted me to help her off the toilet. I finally lost my rag with her and she bothers us no more. At this point nearly all the neighbors have told her off too. Sadly her husband is the sweetest man.

This would be my idea of a nightmare! Just say no and keep saying no. She's a bully.

I don’t understand ‘she won’t take no for an answer’? Just dont answer the door ? Or if you do say no once and tell her to get the Uber app

"No, I can't"

If she asks why "I'm really busy, I can't keep doing favours for you"
Be really blunt with her.

Do you have other neighbours? Do you know them? Would you feel comfortable talking to them about this issue? I bet they have also been hit up for favours and will have found a way to tell this nutcase to do one. You are simply her next victim! I think that you will feel massively better that others have also had this issue and if you know how they dealt with it, perhaps could deploy the same ways. They will be behind you all the way and that will give you the strength/courage to deal with the situation (hint: it may be time to tear her off a serious strip. She doesnt give a toss about upsetting you so why should you bother about upsetting her?!)

@Popcornlassie28 you shouldn’t have to do this but if you have a number of local Taxi just hand it over saying “I can’t take you but here you go”.

You have been more than helpful.

I would second @frequentlyfrazzled response.
Equally both you and your husband go round to theirs and say it all in front of her husband too.
Be clear, be straight and don’t get involved emotionally with any responses.
You will feel so much better when it’s done and will be able to make a strong response, referring back to your joint conversation if any future requests are made.