My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

Would a no interest credit card take her given her default history?

Her maternity pay wasn’t equal to what he was bringing in but he still expected her to pay 50% of the bills. That’s where this has come from - clearly stated. And before she went on maternity leave he took the £500 extra in her last pay packet to pay her car insurance in full - no discussion. Fair enough, you might say (it’s not) but factor into that that he ‘claims’ any left over money in the joint account as his own after outgoings are paid, because he’s the higher earner. So he’s paid off OP’s car insurance with her money, thereby reducing the joint direct debit load and giving him more to ‘claim’ at the end of the month.

Now factor in that he bought a car the OP says he couldn’t afford and for which there was no need - and took out a loan to finance it. He then sold the car and instead of paying the loan off fully, put part of it away as ‘savings’ while continuing to pay the loan. That makes no more financial sense than the OP only making minimum payments on her credit card. Yet the OP is seen as the financially irresponsible one, and he can’t possibly be a controlling arse who wants everything his own way with no discussion and very little in the way of equity.

Is that right - ie that the OP's defaults can impact DO's credit score etc because they have a joint account? (I did not know that)

How would he know if she conceals her financial situation and apparently puts expenditure on credit cards?

However, if this is a case of financial abuse, even more reason for the OP to get her head out of the sand and learn about managing finances.

If you both dont handle finances the same way this relationship is going to grow very stressful and with a lot of resentment

Whether he was open with the OP about the car loan is irrelevant. He appears to do what he likes financially while trying to control what the OP does. In what world is selling a car which is still on finance, and not paying off the loan financially responsible ? OP has been lectured about not trying to save while she has interest on a credit card debt - better to pay off the card first. How is what he’s done any different and why is it ok for him to do it ?

But she couldn’t have afforded that money while on mat leave, could she? Since she couldn’t even afford her credit card. I’m presuming OP must have agreed to him paying the insurance for him to manage to get the details and call through to make a payment (clearing security to do so)

It sounds more like OP has an”worry about it later” approach to money - choosing to extend a work trip (aka having a holiday) and then paying it off for 18 months, hiding it from her partner in the process (knowing he isn’t okay with credit card debt, line in the and he has made her aware of and she has chosen to ignore) then presumably agreeing to pay him back; having the money to do so yet not paying him back, choosing to buy people expensive Christmas presents on a credit card she can’t afford to pay, claiming to be able to afford the monthly insurance payments each month whilst also not paying her credit card, and agreeing it’s ok okay because she can just hide it from him and make a payment plan, which is all hunky dory because her credit score is still good.

We've always contributed 50% of our income to the joint account. In his mind, we should split the bills 50/50 which isn't fair when I earn way less in the first place.

No, it isn't fair at all and this is the bit that would concern me far more than anything to do with the credit card. You're just not pulling together as a team. Without having a child together, I think the 50/50 split is in some sense fair - although a decent man might bear in mind the gender pay gap and realise that women are still paid less than men and still have an uphill struggle when it comes to parity in the workplace.

But as you have a child together, this idea of 50/50 becomes grossly unfair, unless he is going to take paternity leave of the same length and do 50 per cent of the parenting. He's perhaps right about the credit card. He's entirely wrong about pretty much all the rest of the financial stuff. And whilst car finance may well be a better deal than a CC I wouldn't strut about and show off about a lack of CC debt, whilst driving a flash car I didn't need and couldn't afford. (He might need a car - he doesn't need a £16 grand car).

Your money management skills are very poor. There’s a false economy to your logic regarding saving because the money you’ve ’saved’ is actually being pissed away on interest and late charges. What is the apr on your credit card and what is the current balance? You need to prioritise paying off your credit card and ‘spare money’ should have been used to clear that debt.

I think you’ve resisted his offers because you are embarrassed that you haven’t dealt with your debt and you don’t want to sign up for a parent child dynamic when it comes to finances. However, the most mature way to avoid being the child in a relationship dynamic, is to be an adult.

Stop ‘filing’ the incriminating evidence that your finances are not under your control and start tackling your debt in a mature way, which starts by being honest. Find out how much you owe and start making the effort to pay off the debt, not just the interest on the debt. Set up automatic payments so you don’t miss any more payments to avoid wracking up even more unnecessary fees.

You both need to have a serious chat about finances because it really sounds like you have fundamentally different approaches. I don’t agree with your partners approach because it’s creating issues on top of the money management mismatch. I think your partner is trying to help you but is going about it in the wrong way because communication between you both is poor.

Obviously, he’s. It’s made very clear when you sign up for a joint account.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/everyday-money/banking/joint-accounts#:~:text=A%20joint%20account%20might%20damage,lower%20your%20chances%20of%20acceptance.

You both are not financially compatible OP. This needs discussion and compromise otherwise this is the rest of your life playing out right now.

It is very irresponsible to miss even 1 monthly payment and that can prevent a mortgage application are any kind of necessary finance being declined. If your partner is ever financially linked to you then I understand where he is coming from. But he is controlling so that needs to be addressed before it gets out of hand.

Finally, have you ever worked out how long it takes to pay off a credit card when paying the minimum payment only? Even without any interest whatsoever it takes over 25 years! Get on an excel spreadsheet and work it out. As it’s always a percentage, the minimum payment would always decrease as the balance falls which is why it’s almost impossible to pay off, especially with interest. Case in point that you haven’t barely paid any off 18 months later. You partner is very wise in this regard.

for a card like yours you should ensure your minimum payment is the interest plus £60-80 if you want any chance of paying off in 1 year. Best of your partner the thousand pound interest Free don’t owe the bank the money he will keep adding 25 to 30% APR on it. You would pay back potentially thousands and thousands in interest if you let it go by minimum payment only.

I respect your privacy unlike your partner, but it is important you educate yourself on credit cards at the like. YABU and you need to learn a bit more about finance. I suggest you read the money saving expert website inside out and backwards - it will help you a lot. This kind of stuff is what really should be taught in school really. I learnt the hard way too and I wish I had someone giving me this advice 25 years ago.

Have you bought a car recently? Prices are insane. We sold a 13 plate with 100k miles and a non functional clutch for £7k recently. Our current car is worth more now than when we bought it! £16k is really not “flash car” territory

How much did he pay you to look after his child while he went to work?

I think we all know the answer to that. A man who will unilaterally decide to use extra money earned by his partner to pay her car insurance in a lump sum with no discussion won’t see anything to do with her responsibility for his children as relevant.

OP, there are several issues here and both of you are in the wrong at times.

He should have paid more while you were on SMP. He should not have snooped in your personal stuff (although he could have been worried about you).

You need to sit down together and look at all finances, so everything coming in and going out for both of you, full transparency. Then you need to see how much a month you need and each pay into the joint account according to your earnings. Download the MSE budget planner as it makes you consider all expenses including annual ones.

You should pay off all debt. You can't afford to save if you owe money at high rates. That includes his car finance. Make that the priority.

Once all the debt is cleared, work out how much you can afford to save each month and put that in a joint savings account. Keep the card locked away for emergencies only.

Work out how much you can afford to pay for Christmas presents. It should be according to what you can spend, not what you think you should spend. You can't afford £20-£30 if you have to put it on a credit card so spend less, or cut out people, maybe just buy for children not their parents (with their agreement). Nobody should get into debt for Christmas presents.

Never miss a payment for anything. Always set up a DD for the minimum payment so that something is paid even if you forget. If you damage your credit rating it could affect you on lots of different things.

It could be that you won't work out in the long term if you are financially incompatible. I couldn't live with somebody who was financially irresponsible. (been there done that).

The way I read the story and the timeline is (correct me if I’m wrong OP):

OP took a credit card out for her post business trip holiday. She had £1000 (or less) spent on it, that she could comfortably afford to pay back on her normal salary. Not a massive issue in the grand scheme of things, especially when you consider her boyfriend had a loan of £16,000 at this point. She is entitled to get a credit card just as much as he was entitled to get a loan. She felt uncomfortable telling him because he would judge her, go on at her etc. Hardly surprising she didn’t want to tell him. Red flag here! This was pre child.

Also, before he knew about the credit card, he used £500 of OP’s money to pay for her car insurance without consulting her or allowing her to have any input in this. (From her OP - “Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working”. ).This is not good at all and IS controlling. And probably another indicator of why OP didn’t feel she could tell him. Another red flag.

Baby came along and OP’s income was reduced considerably and unfairly in comparison with the boyfriend’s. People have said she should have told him then he could have paid more but he should have been paying more regardless of the £1000 credit card debt. It was only during this time that she missed the payments, not before or after. Again, from her posts - “I was making good progress paying it off before mat leave and then it became a little bit of a safety blanket if I need a little bit extra while on mat leave. I was still paying 50% of my mat pay into the joint account for bills so sometimes I was shorter on months.” This wouldn’t have happened if their contributions had been split more fairly.

OP maxed out the credit card again at Christmas while on maternity leave..of course it’s not ideal and probably something OP should discuss for future years with the people she buys for but knowing she was going to be back to her job and normal pay means it’s not out of the ordinary and again something a lot of people have done. Also, it’s probably something else that wouldn’t have happened or would have been much reduced if their money had been split more fairly during her mat leave.

He snooped on her.

And yes, it makes financial sense to pay outright for insurance or pay the CC off etc but at the same time, I don’t think I’d want to be beholden to a man who has behaved as he has. It just gives him more control.

This is another comment from one of OP’s posts: “Thank you - I know I missed payments, and that is my fault. I hold my hands up to that. I would like to say I have missed maybe 3 payments - these missed payments have also been cleared. I would like to also add, that when I have the money I do then pay them all off. I know missed payments look back. I am currently on track in paying off the full amount and even making over payments.” She has held her hands up. But she make her payments now AND makes overpayments. Hardly the behaviour of someone financially irresponsible.

Then we get to the bit about the phone. She wants to save up for one. He wants to loan her the money and have her pay him back? Why? Unless he wants her to owe him even more. She doesn’t want to owe him. I’d argue that she’s the one being more responsible here by waiting until she has the money to buy her new phone.

Then there’s this:

“Even when we moved in together, I always said that we should a little bit extra onto the joint account for 'just in case of unexpected bills' and then he'd always spend it (take aways) or take it back, even when I would say that's a bad idea when we have our own disposable income that we can use for that.

We've always contributed 50% of our income to the joint account. In his mind, we should split the bills 50/50 which isn't fair when I earn way less in the first place.” Again, another example of OP being financially responsible and her boyfriend doing what he feels like.

OP, you made an understandable mistake with your late payments. Don’t beat yourself up (there’s plenty of people on here who have done that for you). To me it seems at best you’re financially incompatible and you should really have a proper discussion of how you feel and what you both expect going forward. If you can come to a mutual agreement that you’re both happy with and is fair then carry on. Otherwise, I’d consider going it alone because it will only get worse in future.

You are not saving money if you are in debt you are also wasting money on interest. You are really financially irresponsible and lucky to have your partners support.

Yes, I have. It cost me less than £2.5k. It runs efficiently and gets me from A to B. It had less than 35,000 miles on the clock when I bought it. Prices are high, yes, but £16k to me is a flash car.

Of course this is mumsnet though, where six figures salaries are considered normal.

Average CC APR is 23%, so if OP increased her CC payments to £80 - double what she’s paying now, she would pay £155 in interest and the debt would be paid in 15 months. As opposed to the minimum payment which would mean it would take over four years to pay off and cost over £600 in interest.

BF used £500 to pay her car insurance in a lump sum. Paying car insurance by DD usually attracts around 10% interest, so he saved £50 for the year. Had he paid that £500 off her credit card he would have reduced the debt so that even at the £40 she was paying monthly the debt would have been paid off in 14 months, costing £75 in interest - at £80 a month it would have been paid in 7 months at a cost of £37 in interest. And if he’s sold a car bought on finance without paying the loan off, it doesn’t make him any more financially savvy than OP.

Finally, have you ever worked out how long it takes to pay off a credit card when paying the minimum payment only? Even without any interest whatsoever it takes over 25 years! Get on an excel spreadsheet and work it out. As it’s always a percentage, the minimum payment would always decrease as the balance falls which is why it’s almost impossible to pay off, especially with interest. Case in point that you haven’t barely paid any off 18 months later. You partner is very wise in this regard.

Minimum payments don't work like that. They will be a percentage or a fixed sum, whichever is the greater. So for example, the minimum payment will be either 3% of the debt or £25. If you owed 300, rather than take 3%, or £9, the minimum payment would be £25. It's still a protracted way of paying it back but it's not mission impossible.

There are lots of online tools to work this out e.g. this one - and note, it does have a percentage payout and the minimum payout too. https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/minimum-repayments-credit-card/

I’m very surprised with that; particularly if it is for a family car. We aren’t anywhere near 6 figures; as I say we sold an 11 year old car with 100k miles for 3x what you paid for yours, and it needed a new clutch which was quoted to cost £1k.

We couldn’t find anything under £7k, and for a car with good fuel efficiency, safety and reliability it was impossible to get anything under 10k which was able to take 2 adults, 2 kids in car seats, a large dog and a pram.

Spot on.

Not all car finance is secured debt - the lender should tell you which type of loan it is. If it’s secured the car will be the collateral and can be repossessed if you default. Secured tends to be cheaper and can be over a longer period than unsecured, which does not authorise the lender to repossess on default, but tends to have a higher interest rate and be shorter in term.

He snoooed and shouldn’t have. That IS a violation. However, you had payments under control until you went on maternity leave, presumably caring for his baby. I’d let him pay the CC bill and say thanks very much.

When I went on maternity leave DP picked up my car loan debt as there was no way I could pay that off whilst on maternity. Despite the fact I was earning a decent salary my maternity leave was only statutory and we needed 2 cars.

Like I said, if he can pay it off now for you then let him. Why should you have to bear all the cost of child raising? I appreciate it’s your debt, but you’re in this together presumably?

What's that got to do with maternity leave, a drop in income and then not having enough money because the person you got pregnant to isn't helping out? Your DD will get into debt, or she won't have a credit rating. People on lower incomes often need to take on debt. The OP didn't rack up debt, she had a payment plan in place.