My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

Regardless of whether she had the debt, told him about it or not, the maternity leave arrangement should have been much better anyway.

Her being better supported during maternity leave should not depend on whether she had debt.

Obviously him prying into your finances is wrong, as was him interfering with your insurance payments. Although I suspect that Mumsnet would be giving different answers if it had been you looking at his finances!

However credit card debt with missed payments is an expensive way to "borrow" and I'd certainly be prioritising repaying that quickly over savings.

You and your partner clearly have different views on finances, there needs to be a calm discussion and a compromise reached.

It is his business as you share a child together and this will impact your chances of getting a mortgage etc.

He was out of order to look but maybe he suspected it was the case?

It sounds like he wants to help clear the debt. It was sensible to pay the car insurance.

DH is bad with money & although he has never earned loads he just doesn't think ahead. I helped pay off his visa bill years ago & he just ran up debt on it again. It's quite frustrating to be with a partner with that attitude.

She had £1,000 on a credit card. That she was paying back.

Minimum payments are primarily set up to cover interest, not repay debt.

Part of sharing finances fairly after the birth of a child is being honest and open about income, expenditure and debt.

Ofgs it’s 1k, not 10k, she’s been on maternity leave.

He is being unreasonable to say he has no credit cards. Credit cards can be good to build up your credit rating and you also get reward cards with cashback. He is being over cautious there.

But other than that, I think he has a point tbh. My family has loaned me money twice to buy a car and to pay off my student overdraft for the purpose of not paying interest, i paid them both back early. Interest is pissing money up the wall if you don’t need to do it.

I know it was ‘wrong’ of him to go through your documents, but personally my DH and we don’t have any financial secrets from eachother and I have nothing to hide, so I wouldn’t be angry.

I work in a sector where missed payments can really have an impact on credit files, just being in the ‘good’ range sometimes isn’t enough, so I think he has a right to be concerned about your financial habits, as he’s your partner.

This doesn’t really matter to lenders though. She will be assessed her on ability to borrow and pay back money, rather than the amount.

That’s not the point of this thread at all.

Reading your posts it sounds like you are completely financially incompatible. It will end in tears.

Part of sharing finances fairly after the birth of a child is being honest and open about income, expenditure and debt.

Part of sharing finances during and after pregnancy SHOULD include the man noticing the disparity of income while you are on maternity leave. If your OH doesn't notice this disparity then you would have to assume he's abit of a prick. Therefore making it difficult to be honest and open about your income, expenditure and debt.

Soooo, to sum it up:

1. You are NOT MARRIED. There is no DH here, just a live-in BF.

2. You have one joint account, no other financial ties.

3. You have a child together and OP funded her own maternity leave, while still contributing to the household as before. BF's contributions remained the same. That's financial abuse nr. 1 and a huge injustice.

4. As a direct result of point nr. 3, OP had 3 missed payments on a CC debt she racked up earlier, when in full employment. Her BF (not DH) keeps harassing and belittling her about that. Red flag nr. 2!

OP, YANBU and I would seriously reconsider this whole situation. You and your BF do not sound compatible. And he is an unsupportive arse.

He may be in a better financial position, but part of that is at your expense!

She wasn’t meeting the minimum payments though. She had more debt than she could afford. That’s on her; but her decision impacted him to; since they have joint finances.

Marital status is also irrelevant. It has affected him; he had to pay an additional £400/month to cover her part of the bills (his discretionary spend was cut by over 1/3, proportionately more than hers) - she still had £300/month discretionary spend which is a comfortable living allowance for one person after bills. It’s not his fault that he didn’t know she was also paying a credit card from this amount.

He didn’t pay the insurance without her say so. That happened previously; she agreed to pay him back, and then he took the money from the joint account. Had op wished to trickle this money into bills; she should have held it in her own account. Any money in a joint account is legally allowed to be accessed by either party. And she did owe him that money.

You don't sound as if you manage money well at all.
That said if you insist on behaving like this and it doesn't affect his money, then it's none of his business.
If it's affecting joint money then it is.
The matter of looking at a private letter does need discussion- or a far better hiding place.
Good Luck.

While he shouldn't have gone through your things, I suspect he's worried about the situation.
You managed to rack up £1000 (HOW?!) on a work trip 18 months ago, that you still haven't managed to pay back.
You have repeatedly missed payments on a very low repayment amount.
You seem thoroughly unconcerned about the whole thing, and have a completely casual "I'll just get a payment plan" attitude.
You had fantastical thoughts of paying back the £500 car insurance on a monthly basis, but you've already shown you can't consistently manage the monthly repayments you already have. DP was absolutely right to pay it all in one go.

The fact that he's snooping through your financials shows his concern, and that fact that he's fully got your number over your lack of financial savvy.

Am I reading that right that you took a £1300 a month hit to have the baby and he only took a £400 a month hit?

Now he's using the obvious consequences of that unfairness to suggest you are unable to make financial decisions?

I agree with this.

His approach is controlling, and as some have said above could be viewed as financially abusive.

Is this part of his personality?, is he controlling in other aspects of your relationship? If yes, then I would consider whether this is the guy for you! People in a relationship should be equal team members.

On the other hand. You don’t seem to be financially savvy. He loves you and I agree with his thought process. Searching in your private possessions was wrong. But, paying the minimum on any debt is a sure fast way to end up in difficulties. You should always clear debt before stashing savings. With a top level credit score you have access to many 0% or very low interest options should an unexpected expense arise while you build up some savings. While I don’t agree with his method, I can understand why he wanted to look at your files and determine your financial situation. Particularly if this has been discussed time and time again. It would frustrate me that a partner continued to accrue interest when I had cash available to clear the debt for them. This is team work!

If this is going to be a long term relationship, with joint finances in the future your attitudes not aligning will be a massive problem.

I would be unable to share my finances with someone who has your attitude to paying off debt. If I loved someone who did, I would go out of my way to educate them. I would also do as he has done and clear the debt to reduce the overall interest.

Your credit score being in the ‘good’ zone will not last forever if you carry on like this. It will also already limit your opportunities for the best available credit or mortgage options should you need them.

In my view, as you have explained it YABU- you’re meant to be a team. He is offering to help you as he loves you. If this is going to be long term then you both need to work on trusting each other.

However, if there is a larger back story to him generally being controlling outside of finances and this is just the latest time he has crossed a line you have drawn in your relationship then YANBU and should leave, but get some financial advice for the future!!

Also- Not the main point. But why has your employer failed to reimburse you for a business trip?

Why should you be the only one to bear the brunt of the loss of income from maternity leave? He should definitely have paid more than 50% then.

You don’t seem concerned about this op?

Tricky. I'd let him pay off the credit card and you pay him back, because you'll get it paid off soooooo much faster and the interest is a bitch.

But things like insurance, I'd spread out and take the £40 hit or whatever because, as you say, it helps build up savings reserves.

So I think you are both BU.

On one level, what he is doing could be perfectly reasonable and borne from concern. On another, he could be a controlling nightmare. Hard for us to say.

For the idiots at the back again, the OP's boyfriend is in more debt than she is

For the idiot(s) at the front, DP is not defaulting on minimum debt payment or spending money he cannot afford (eg Christmas presents at £20-£30 a pop for a large family)

You are not being unreasonable about him looking though your stuff that's not ok

I think is comments about having a credit card are shit and passive aggressive. That's ok.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him offering to pay it and you pay him though as that probably does make more financial sense then debt with interest

Sounds like OP has had a baby with DP, being married and buying a property would have been stressful but once divorced and property sold no connection, with a joint DC not nessassarily so easy.

She can hardly be "demanding" joint finances when she hides her financial position and debt

But things like insurance, I'd spread out and take the £40 hit or whatever because, as you say, it helps build up savings reserves.

No, it doesn’t.

If you have a choice between paying £100 now or £11 a month, the £89 not spent still needs to be spent on insurance + an extra £10.

The only point of paying £11 a month would be that you don’t have the £100 now. There is no point ‘saving’ it because it’s already allocated against an expense.

@boysmama1 just asking this question: which is better a good credit rating and the debt paid ? or higher interest and a tanked credit rating ?

She WAS meeting the minimim payments before maternity leave. And this is from her OP:

Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

She put the money into the account to accommodate bills while on maternity leave and he decided what to do it with it. And yes, legally money in a joint account is equally available to both parties but it doesn’t make it morally right when one person decides what to do with it over the say of the other person. Especially when the other person put it in there with specific intentions for it.