My husband won’t agree to a cleaner

[WizzardMum22]

I am sick to death of keeping on top of the house/washing/kids/food shopping & cooking.

I’ve told my husband I’m struggling and I get met with ‘I’ll help you on x date’ usually his day off. Which is great and I appreciate it. But what he doesn’t see is that he only helps when I say I’m struggling. He can’t just regularly help me. Like he doesn’t seem to realise you need to clean the bathroom weekly or push the hoover round or mop the floors on a weekly basis.

I am fully aware he is out the house more with work as he is a chef (12+ hour days 5 days a week) and I also work 4 days so trying to keep on top of the household & the children is really hard work.

I’ve suggested a few times we could get a cleaner to come a couple of times a month to help with the bits I’m struggling to keep of (kitchen/living/bathrooms/stairs/hallways) and he keeps refusing and coming back with ‘don’t worry we can do it together’ but it gets to the same point each month that I’m tearing my hair out with it all. It’s the one thing we argue about the most and I get overwhelmed with it all on my plate. It’s the only thing that I really struggle with. I end up doing some of it when the kids are in bed but eventually give in because I’m tired from a days work/dinner/bath /bedtime struggles. I’ve even suggested I’ll pay for it out of my money (we share finances on everything related to house & kids and give ourselves our own ‘pocket money’ for the month) and he still says no we can do it together. I actually don’t want to spend our only day off a week together with the baby cleaning thanks!!!!

just to clarify - he’s a great husband and so amazing with our kids so no husband bashing. I just want help with housework 🤣

AIBU? Or is he??

Just hire a bloody cleaner!!!!

Just book the cleaner. You don’t need his permission.

We had to stop ours when I reduced my hours at work (just couldn’t afford it as we also had a big mortgage increase and childcare costs). It’s absolutely awful without and is the first thing I’ll have back when finances improve.

Are you me? 😂

Constant conversation in my house as well. We can afford it. I don't see why on earth not!

STOP ASKING. Just hire a cleaner. Until the day your husband does 50% of ALL housework, cooking, and kid stuff, without you having to ask and beg, he doesn't get a vote.

Hire the damn cleaner. You don't need his bloody permission.

As far as I'm concerned, if he isn't doing his share he doesn't have a say. It's your house, your money, your decision. Period.

Hire the cleaner, if he complains say you'll do one week of him cleaning and one week of you cleaning (but outsource yours obviously).

Him doing housework is not helping
He lives there
His mess too

As long as you can afford it, just hire the cleaner! It doesn't really matter if he doesn't like the idea, it's reducing the load on you.

As my work hours started increasing once our son was at school I simply said "either you clean, or we get a cleaner". We now have a cleaner - once a fortnight so not hugely costly - and my husband pays because a) he doesn't want to clean and b) he earns more. He said he didn't want anyone in his private space so I just said tough luck.

“I just want help with the house” said no man ever.

I was you for 28 years. He said he'd do it. He didn't. Mum got a cleaner who was just setting up so I just booked her. Has been 2 years and he is completely converted. It is marvellous.

Totally recommend you just do it.

Also, I'm not buying this "he's a great husband" bullshit. No he's fucking not. He knows you're exhausted, he's knows you are working your arse into the ground, he doesn't fucking help you, yet he begrudges you getting a cleaner.

He's not great. He's a jerk.

Yanbu. My dh is similar. For some reason he hates having a cleaner in the house. I don’t care and we now have a cleaner. That didn’t stop him having a strop this week on her usual day because I had to go into the office (I generally wfh on the day she comes). He asked me to cancel her for this week and I ignored him. She’s been coming for months and is perfectly trustworthy. He then had a rant about keys being left around, so I told him about the hidden lockbox I’d had installed for precisely this purpose. Then he decided to stomp around looking for bleach as he decided that this was the time that he needed to sort out the shower drain (that only he uses and has never once considered cleaning in his life). I think he was trying to make a point by leaving it out that she wasn’t being thorough enough. I think that if the person who actually uses the shower can’t be arsed it’s a bit rich to expect a weekly visitor to do it. He’s still complaining. I have not snapped back but I have told him that I will reconsider when he has a better solution. That isn’t me doing it all. I’m still waiting.

What everyone else says. Stop asking him, just book the cleaner. I'm not sure I'd even bother to tell him until after the cleaner comes for the first time. Tell him this is the small thing you need to be able to be happier, relaxed and for you to stop fighting about it. The point isn't that you could do it together, the point is that (a) he doesn't until you nag him; and (b) you don't want to. Why two people both working at or nearly full time with young DC would waste any of their precious free time scrubbing the bathroom if they can afford a weekly or fortnightly cleaner is beyond me...

He's not a great husband and just hire one

Ask him to do daily tasks rather than help with the weekly cleans. Like get him to empty bins, put a wash on, put away laundry etc. then break down your weekly cleans and spreads them out across the week.

I'd write a long list of jobs to do and hand it to him saying, 'This is what you need to do every week. The first week you don't do it, I'm hiring a cleaner to do it instead. If you don't want a cleaner, then you need to do this'.

His choice.

Hire a cleaner
Pay for them from the joint a/c

It makes so much difference.
I work FT, partner works FT & we have 4 children. Our cleaner is a necessity as far as I'm concerned.

I work 5 days a week, fed up to the back teeth of cleaning, asking, Caring for mother and mother in law.
Yes husband works long hours (he has his own small business, doesn't charge his customers any where near what he could, and he is very good and experienced at his job!)
I'm earn a little over minimum wage, and pay for a cleaner out my own wages, simply because I can.. if my husband was to say anything I'd wipe the floor with him.
Simple.

My husband was like this when kids were young. He kept saying he would help but never did. In the end, whilst he was away again for over a week, I just hired a cleaner. Best thing i ever did. He even said he was really glad I did. I think it saved our marriage.

Just get one?

I get one in on a Friday sometimes when my husband is in the office. It’s my spare money and worth every penny for a clean house and means I can do other things with my time

This. If this isnt possible youve got much bigger problems.

good husbands dont want you to struggle

Do a schedule/rota. If he doesnt stick to it, tell him youre getting a cleaner

I agree with everyone else that you are perfectly entitled to hire a cleaner if your DH won't help OP. However, can I ask how old your children are? Is it possible that if they're able, ie, not toddlers any more, that you could start cleaning the house as a family in future? I know that's not the complete answer, and might even end up with you feeling it just makes life harder, if you've got to show kids how to do things, and then go round and possibly re-do some of it after them, but I do think it's a good idea to start kids off with the attitude that 'we all make the house dirty/untidy, so we all need to do our share of cleaning and tidying up'. Otherwise, especially if you have boys, you too will be contributing to the next generation of lazy men, who don't pull their weight around the home.