My husband won’t agree to a cleaner

[WizzardMum22]

I am sick to death of keeping on top of the house/washing/kids/food shopping & cooking.

I’ve told my husband I’m struggling and I get met with ‘I’ll help you on x date’ usually his day off. Which is great and I appreciate it. But what he doesn’t see is that he only helps when I say I’m struggling. He can’t just regularly help me. Like he doesn’t seem to realise you need to clean the bathroom weekly or push the hoover round or mop the floors on a weekly basis.

I am fully aware he is out the house more with work as he is a chef (12+ hour days 5 days a week) and I also work 4 days so trying to keep on top of the household & the children is really hard work.

I’ve suggested a few times we could get a cleaner to come a couple of times a month to help with the bits I’m struggling to keep of (kitchen/living/bathrooms/stairs/hallways) and he keeps refusing and coming back with ‘don’t worry we can do it together’ but it gets to the same point each month that I’m tearing my hair out with it all. It’s the one thing we argue about the most and I get overwhelmed with it all on my plate. It’s the only thing that I really struggle with. I end up doing some of it when the kids are in bed but eventually give in because I’m tired from a days work/dinner/bath /bedtime struggles. I’ve even suggested I’ll pay for it out of my money (we share finances on everything related to house & kids and give ourselves our own ‘pocket money’ for the month) and he still says no we can do it together. I actually don’t want to spend our only day off a week together with the baby cleaning thanks!!!!

just to clarify - he’s a great husband and so amazing with our kids so no husband bashing. I just want help with housework 🤣

AIBU? Or is he??

What am I missing op, why do you need his permission, that’s the bigger issue, if you want a cleaner and can afford one, get one.

Just get a cleaner.
Or go on sex strike till he does his share of the housework.

Don't use sex as a weapon. Sure don't have sex with him if you don't want to, but don't weaponise it.

Tell him he either pulls his finger out or you're hiring a cleaner. There is no third option. Go back to basics and write a chore chart (together). Decide who does what and agree to stick to it. Can't stick to it? Hire a cleaner.

Oh god, just book the cleaner.

Surely as an adult you don't need his permission? 😮

Why do you think of it as him helping you? It's called sharing the load.

That’s grim don’t do that, you don’t provide sex as some form of favour or payment, have sex if you want, don’t if you don’t, but it’s not a service.

🤮

Why does he get to make the decision. Fuck that. Book the cleaner

Monday you ask him to clean the bathroom every second week and hoover the house on the other weeks, do a roster and send him the next few dates/put it on the fridge. Do not remind him. Next Monday you say I’m not your bloody mum it’s your house too and you don’t step up unless I’m screaming at you. I am buckling under the weight of keeping us going and I cannot rely on you. I am going to book a cleaner. You can cancel it once you’ve voluntarily cleaned and hoovered and done the bathroom and laundry every week for two months.
and book.

This is the best response.

Newsflash: there is still housework to do if you have a cleaner.

If he says you should do it together, agree. There will be plenty to do. It's just that the house will be significantly cleaner and more organised and you'll be less exhausted and angry.

The car buying analogy is more like a husband insisting that he give you a lift yo with every day, except that 3 days out of 5 he's not driving or has to go early.

Tell him and then just do it.

Write a list of all the household jobs and split them in two. Have his jobs and her jobs each week. Get him to tick his own jobs off each week.

Why? She can just get a cleaner, she doesn’t need permission. She’s an equal partner in the house. Not one of the kids,

This. Also still hire a cleaner.

DIL got a cleaner once a fortnight when she worked part time. Now working full time it's once a week. It's made such a difference to her mental health she said. My DS thinks it's great and the children appreciate it too

Hire the cleaner.
You've spoken to him multiple times, he knows that this stresses you out. Nothing has changed.

And no you shouldn't have to pay for it out of your money.

@CountFucula

“I just want help with the house” said no man ever.

Bloody hell… this sums it all up, doesn’t it?!

Why are the men who consistently do the least so consistently get described as "great"? Where are they getting all this wool to pull over womens eyes?

Similar situation here. I work FT (4 days WfH with 1 day a week travel to London from the North West) in a senior position, plus studying for a Masters degree since October 2021. DH works FT 11+hour days in a physically and mentally demanding job out of the house. He does bins, floors (sweeping, mopping and hoovering which is a lot with 3 big dogs that shed CONSTANTLY) and will pitch in with some of the cooking and putting wash loads of clothes on. I do everything else, plus the “life admin”.

After a few too many arguments when I’ve got sick of asking him to sort out the bins as they are full and need emptying into the wheelie bin or where he gets annoyed coming home after a long day to dirty paw prints on the dining room floor because I’ve been back to back with calls and haven’t had the chance to run a quick round, we’ve sorted a cleaner…..my retired Mum. It’s the perfect solution all round for us: its someone we trust, she’s a tad OCD when it comes to cleaning/tidying so is incredibly thorough, she’s making some extra money to spend as she likes and we don’t have to spend our precious downtime in the evenings/weekends cleaning.

Would this (or a similar arrangement) be an option for you OP?

This ⬆️

Ergh! I am in the same boat, although I might be unreasonable as we have a apartment. Want a cleaner. Husband doesn’t want one as he doesn’t want people in our home, and it’s “so easy” to clean.

To be fair though he does clean when he is at home and it only takes an hour or so.

Like 93% of people who have voted, I said YANBU but as others have said, I actually think YABU for not just cracking on with it.

I sympathise with your dh not doing as much, more than most threads where the dh doesn't do much, as chefs are renowned for working ridiculously long hours, but he needs to acknowledge that he can't contribute as much as many other adults would, and find a way round that - which in this case is clearly hiring a cleaner.
Honestly, it is the best £20 I spend every week.
If you compromise and get someone to come once a fortnight, then that is the compromise. Not getting a cleaner at all is just daft in your circumstance. He really doesn't get the final say when it is not him trying to get things done.

If a man's home is his castle let him clean it!

Both fill time workers. She comes on Friday 8 till 1.
House cleaned top to bottom. Sheets changed laundry loaded. Best 75 euro ever spent. Free time weekend. Best decision ever.

Hire the cleaner. Having one has pretty much saved my marriage.