My husband won’t agree to a cleaner

[WizzardMum22]

I am sick to death of keeping on top of the house/washing/kids/food shopping & cooking.

I’ve told my husband I’m struggling and I get met with ‘I’ll help you on x date’ usually his day off. Which is great and I appreciate it. But what he doesn’t see is that he only helps when I say I’m struggling. He can’t just regularly help me. Like he doesn’t seem to realise you need to clean the bathroom weekly or push the hoover round or mop the floors on a weekly basis.

I am fully aware he is out the house more with work as he is a chef (12+ hour days 5 days a week) and I also work 4 days so trying to keep on top of the household & the children is really hard work.

I’ve suggested a few times we could get a cleaner to come a couple of times a month to help with the bits I’m struggling to keep of (kitchen/living/bathrooms/stairs/hallways) and he keeps refusing and coming back with ‘don’t worry we can do it together’ but it gets to the same point each month that I’m tearing my hair out with it all. It’s the one thing we argue about the most and I get overwhelmed with it all on my plate. It’s the only thing that I really struggle with. I end up doing some of it when the kids are in bed but eventually give in because I’m tired from a days work/dinner/bath /bedtime struggles. I’ve even suggested I’ll pay for it out of my money (we share finances on everything related to house & kids and give ourselves our own ‘pocket money’ for the month) and he still says no we can do it together. I actually don’t want to spend our only day off a week together with the baby cleaning thanks!!!!

just to clarify - he’s a great husband and so amazing with our kids so no husband bashing. I just want help with housework 🤣

AIBU? Or is he??

Oh just get one. You don't need his permission, why is he in charge? If/when he grumbles and says you can do it together, remind him you've heard it before and you're still worn down.

Makes me upset there is still so much expectation that housework is women's work, it needs to stop. Why should it be your responsibility and he just helps on x day? If he is not prepared to do his share he can't expect you to either. Working more paid hours is no excuse!

Stop cleaning.

no way would i want a stranger coming in my house touching and moving my things, im with your husband on this one

But presumably then @AlmostAJillSandwich you are doing the cleaning in your house ?
The OP's dh isn't.

So you would expect your partner to continue to do it all just because you didn't want a stranger coming into your house touching and moving your things?

even if your partner told you multiple times that they were struggling with it?

Either hire a cleaner (best thing I ever did even without kids in the mix) or give him a list of chores he has to do on a daily or weekly basis with the understanding that the minute he doesn't do something a cleaner will be hired.

With my DH it wasn't that he didn't help much it was more he didn't do it to my standards. I then just hired a cleaner and used the joint account.

He now has no nagging from me as he can hoover the middle of the room give things a basic wipe down etc and I know my lovely cleaner comes on a Monday to do it all properly.

This

Why would he agree to a cleaner when he has a house slave wife?

Why do you need this lazy man's permission? Just hire one. And don't pay for it. Take it out of the household finances because the issue is he doesn't clean, not you.

I'm always confused when women write posts like this then follow them up by saying 'he's a wonderful husband'. In what world does a wonderful husband want to run his wife ragged by not doing his bit in the house AND refusing outside help?

He's a grown up. He has presumably lived in a house all his life. Don't "write him a list". Get a cleaner and pay for him other out of the joint account.

Is he a great husband and amazing dad?

He refuses to work as a team with his life partner, and has fun with the kids while you do all the drudge work. A great example for them.

And no 'husband bashing'? So you want everyone to say YABU?

THIS
No further advice needed.

He's not a great husband he's a sexist pig!

He doesn't really mean he doesn't want a cleaner, what he means is he wants it to carry on being you because he doesn't want to pay for it. He has a responsibility to do half the chores and if he isn't willing to then he needs to get someone else to do it.

You might be the one who organises finding a cleaner but be under no illusion that this isn't his choice. And absolutely don't pay for it with your own money, joint account for sure. Better still, his money but don't delay things by trying to win that argument.

He’s not “helping”. He’s doing his share. As long as it doesn’t bankrupt you, just get a cleaner. I’d never get one myself, I’d find it so weird, but I don’t find it difficult to keep a house clean, just stay on top of it

You have two options really.

1 Just hire a cleaner (as long as finances are joint - not fair for you to pay for it solely)

2 Give him a list of what you don't have time/inclination to do, with a frequency. If he can do that list to that frequency then great, otherwise he'll need to hire a cleaner to do it.