My husband won’t agree to a cleaner

[WizzardMum22]

I am sick to death of keeping on top of the house/washing/kids/food shopping & cooking.

I’ve told my husband I’m struggling and I get met with ‘I’ll help you on x date’ usually his day off. Which is great and I appreciate it. But what he doesn’t see is that he only helps when I say I’m struggling. He can’t just regularly help me. Like he doesn’t seem to realise you need to clean the bathroom weekly or push the hoover round or mop the floors on a weekly basis.

I am fully aware he is out the house more with work as he is a chef (12+ hour days 5 days a week) and I also work 4 days so trying to keep on top of the household & the children is really hard work.

I’ve suggested a few times we could get a cleaner to come a couple of times a month to help with the bits I’m struggling to keep of (kitchen/living/bathrooms/stairs/hallways) and he keeps refusing and coming back with ‘don’t worry we can do it together’ but it gets to the same point each month that I’m tearing my hair out with it all. It’s the one thing we argue about the most and I get overwhelmed with it all on my plate. It’s the only thing that I really struggle with. I end up doing some of it when the kids are in bed but eventually give in because I’m tired from a days work/dinner/bath /bedtime struggles. I’ve even suggested I’ll pay for it out of my money (we share finances on everything related to house & kids and give ourselves our own ‘pocket money’ for the month) and he still says no we can do it together. I actually don’t want to spend our only day off a week together with the baby cleaning thanks!!!!

just to clarify - he’s a great husband and so amazing with our kids so no husband bashing. I just want help with housework 🤣

AIBU? Or is he??

This. Give him the ultimatum now.

"But what he doesn’t see is that he only helps when I say I’m struggling."

FFS, stop considering that he has to help you! Because that means you are considering all the domestic work to be yours, and it isn't! Stop saying 'I need help', and start telling him 'You need to do your share'!

And what @Hatty65 said!

Just hire a cleaner. You do not need his permission. Just tell him don't ask him. You've given him plenty of time to follow thru on his suggestion of helping you more.. and he has not done it. So you tell him you are now hiring a cleaner as you can't keep on top of it alone.

@Aquamarine1029 nailed it. God knows why you’re saying he’s great. He’s demonstrated over and over again that he’s not!

Another vote for ‘HIRE THE CLEANER’ - he’s not doing the cleaning as it is so you have every right to outsource the job if it’s unsustainable for you. Please please Google local cleaners now and just do it. It’s your home, YOU do the cleaning now, it’s your choice! Do it!

My OH is the same,
However I booked the cleaner, he still makes comments if we spend a couple hours cleaning his like let's just cancel her but I never will, in fact I want to up her weekly as she comes fortnightly.

He don't mind us getting a gardener.. typical aye

If my SAHM/W has had a cleaner from when her DC were small (3 of them) you can get one. Her DH used to spend most Saturday afternoons or all day cycling so hardly like he could help out but he certainly didn’t begrudge the cleaner.

So hire a cleaner and tell him no ifs no buts. This would be the kind of selfish and mean behaviour that’d stick in my craw over time.

Hire a cleaner. You work. Why do you need his permission?

Well, he gets to do all the cleaning then, doesn't he. He's going to be busy!

Just go ahead and get the cleaner. My DH was opposed to getting one initially saying that we’d just clean at weekends but with us both working 12 hour days at the time, I just went ahead and found one myself.

he’s a great husband

Says every Mumsnet post ever where they’re describing a really shitty husband.

His attitude that he “helps” you with the housework tells me all I need to know about exactly what type of husband he is.

Book the cleaner.

I would write a list of jobs he needs to do every week. Tell him if they don't get done one week you'll be hiring a cleaner. It's then his choice.

Book a cleaner, pay them out if the JOINT account. You both live there, he doesn't do any cleaning, joint expense!!

Set up a cleaning rota with all tasks split between the two of you. Then say let's try and adhere to that, if not then deal is we get a cleaner for 3 hours a fortnight. Hardly a kings Ransome. £60 max? Once he sees the amount that needs doing no doubt he'll see the value.

Seriously? So if DH wanted a new car but I said no, he'd be ok to go and get one 'because he's the one who drives it'. I would be so angry if it's something we disagreed on but he did it anyway.

You need to agree on this OP because it adds up to a lot of money. I think you need to write a list of weekly jobs and then ask to share it, weekly. He needs to choose some serlt jobs. If he doesn't like that idea, or doesn't do his jobs for a couple of weeks, then the deal is you get a cleaner.

Write it all down in detail:
Eg. Clean bathroom (clean shower, clean toilet, hoover and mop floor, clean sink and all surfaces)
Meal plans for week
Food shop x 2 per week
Hoover stairs
Hoover bedrooms
Hoover downstairs

Really break it down so he can take on let's say 40%.

This !!

My husband was like this too. Then we got one.....house looked a lot better for it. I stopped having her when we moved to a bigger house as didn't I want to pay the extra hours needed to make a dent in it, and now he's asking when she's coming back 🤣

Say you need regular help from him or you need a cleaner, Who will pay for the cleaner?

You're doing 4 days a week paid work and you're also a full time unpaid housekeeper and cook.

Get the goddam cleaner and bill hom for 50% of it

My lovely husband said this. I got a cleaner anyway. 2 hours a week for floors, bathrooms, kitchen. Now he’s very happy we have a cleaner. Because I am a much nicer wife, most of the time. Except the night before the cleaner comes, when I am flinging everyone’s shite into their bedrooms ranting about the number of pairs of shoes and sports crap lying around.

Book it for when he's not there. You're happy to pay, it will make your life easier, and he'll see the benefits

My DH sits down & relaxes of an afternoon, not seeing the dirty dishes, laundry etc… when I put DS to bed. I know he works long hours, but just that basic tidy of toys or something would help. The house gets out of control, then he complains about it. He’s good at doing weekly jobs, like your DH, mopping the floors etc… Does the bins. But it’s the daily things that if I haven’t done it, then he should just get on with it.

Just hire a cleaner!

Bemused why you’re asking his permission?

if you need one, get one.

this.