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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to cancel my wedding in July

83 replies

PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 10:28

Not because I don't want to marry DP.
But I just don't want to do the whole wedding thing.

I never wanted a 'wedding', I would love to just nip down to the registery office and do it quietly. But DP really wants a big day.
So we compromised - its fairly low key as weddings go, but still in a church, 100 guests etc.

We've just started to organise it. And its already getting out of control - families 'giving advice' and telling us their expectations for the day, inviting people without asking us, or people assuming they are invited, me and DP arguing over things, me getting stressed.

I've really started to panic.

I don't want to do it. Its not just the stress from family etc. I don't want to spend the next 4 months organising it.

I've had quite an eventful time in last year (bought a house, moved in with DP, done work on house, had baby, got engaged, now back at work).
I feel I need a break from big events!! I want a break, to enjoy the summer, and spend time with DP and DD without stress, arguements and a wedding to plan.

Told DP all this, he sort of agrees, but I think he's also disappointed and worried about letting people (especially his family) down.

It's booked, we've told people but nothing has been paid for yet, and no invites sent out. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable to want to cancel / postpone it?

OP posts:

edam · 26/03/2008 10:29

Not at all - it's your wedding, what's the point if it's causing stress and worry?

Seabright · 26/03/2008 10:30

Don't do it for other people. What about getting married abroad? Lots of holiday companies do weddings, I have had a couple of friends do this, one in Jamaica and one in Florida. Neither regretted their decision.

tiredemma · 26/03/2008 10:31

This is exactly why we are going abroad, with only a selection of friends invited.

soopermum1 · 26/03/2008 10:32

100 people doesn't sound low key and organising that in 4 months sounds like a lot. how about just downsizing but keeping the date and being firm with people who are not sharing your request for a more low key affair. or, could you afford a wedding planner?

Original poster

PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 10:34

Because I think DP really wants to do it. It's me that's having second thoughts. Although DP understands how I feel, I still feel I'm letting him down.
I shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place, but I did.
I feel guilty

OP posts:

Thomcat · 26/03/2008 10:34

I'm with you, 100%. Do it when you are ready and do it for you, noone else.

berolina · 26/03/2008 10:38

Downsize. Keep the date and the church, but decimate the guest list, have a simple buffet instead of a full-on 'meal' (friends of ours had a bring-and-share buffet in the church garden) and cut down on paraphernalia of all kinds.

bobsyouruncle · 26/03/2008 10:38

well I planned a very small wedding, and it snowballed big time largely due to other people's expectations and putting on the pressure. Also due to me not being assertive enough to stand up for what I wanted. tbh I didn't enjoy the day that much and wish I'd stuck to my guns and had the wedding I wanted.

Original poster

PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 10:41

I think if DP wanted to cancel it too, that would be fine.
He's trying to be understanding, but I know he doesn't really WANT to.

OP posts:

mistlethrush · 26/03/2008 10:41

You don't have to make it a 'big' day even if it is in a church - you can keep it as informal as you want. If you decide to go ahead, you need to make this clear to people. It's your day - its got to be how you (and dh) want it to be, not how other people want it to be. We had a lovely day without too much formality - church wedding, then to venue (barn) where we had tea available to be eaten with wedding cake: lots of conversation, no queues, no gasping for a drink because of hotel prices etc. Then we had a buffet supper followed by a barn dance. You could make it a lot lower scale than this - wedding with cake and drink afterwards at a nice location - and that's it... And you don't need to do the whole white dress thing either. You need to do something that you are comfortable with - don't go with convention! Good luck

Youcannotbeserious · 26/03/2008 10:42

This happened to us too... Everything started snowballing...

We went to Vegas to get married and had our honeymoon in San Francisco.

Was perfect.

Why not elope and do the 'wedding' the way your want to, cancel the arrangements but keep the date and have a big party for everyone - WITHOUT the stress!

Good luck! YANBU!

Pidge · 26/03/2008 10:42

This is why we nipped down to the local registry office on the bus, with a couple of friends as witnesses and our two dds in tow.

These things have a habit of snowballing.

How about you get wed just yourselves, spend what would have gone on the party on a wonderful holiday, then have a small scale celebration with a few close friends and family when you get back.

Most importantly - do what you're happy with. Go with your gut instinct.

Katisha · 26/03/2008 10:42

Other people ALWAYS try to take it all over - it's inevitable. YOu will have to talk to DP and decide right now what will and won't happen cos otherwise it'll snowball.

Original poster

PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 10:44

I want to downsize, berol.
But when I discuss this with DP he says he doesn't want to / can't ("but I HAVE to invite uncle bill"). It causes arguements cos we can't compromise any further. I hate arguing about it!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 10:49

I asked DP if we could elope / nip down to registery office / go abroad.

He said his Mum would NEVER forgive him if he did this. She would be vvv cross, its true. (I think he secretly scared of mum, or at least he wants please her)

OP posts:

FourPlusOne · 26/03/2008 10:49

I had similar to bobsyouruncle - did enjoy the day, but it had snowballed from what I had wanted originally. Think I would have enjoyed a smaller do more though.

Got v stressed about it. My parents were a real PITA about the whole thing. Wish I had kept it as small as I could - maybe I would just have had a party with buffet type do the next day for friends and family, but nothing 'weddingy'!

theyoungvisiter · 26/03/2008 10:51

you could keep to the time frame but make it a lot less work for yourself. Here are some ideas for what friends have done:

have ceremony and then as many guests as wish to go off to a pub with a garden - no booking - no food - just turn up and pot luck.

have quiet ceremony of just a few people but invite guests to an evening do. Hire a cheap venue (village halls, rooms above pubs, scout huts, all often very cheap) and tell your friends to bring a bottle and/or a dish of nibbles. Nothing for you to do apart from book the place and turn up. Treat it like a slightly large birthday do.

have a quiet ceremony and tell guests to bring a picnic and a bottle. All go off to local park to play rounders and eat sandwiches. Again nothing to plan - no rsvps - just tell people to turn up with rugs and food if they want to.

If you have access to a garden then hire a marquee (not cheap but not too, too expensive if you are not bothered about sundries like carpets, chandeliers and seated meals - you could probably get one for £1000). Then have a barn dance / ceilidh /disco in the marquee. No meal, ask guests to bring nibbles. Local pubs are often happy to provide a travelling pay bar if you enquire.

If you want disco type music don't bother with a DJ - just buy or borrow an ipod port. Ask your friends to upload their favourite tunes onto a website, you can then download it to the ipod and play on random shuffle. it's a really nice way of showing the mix of people involved.

Essentially don't be afraid of having it low-key and making your friends do the work!

But if you really really want to cancel then that's fine too. Just be aware there is a halfway house between the big white nightmare and nothing at all.

moopymoo · 26/03/2008 10:52

you deserve the day you want - it is your memories and your special time when you come together as a family unit. That is what i felt anyway. we had 30 people in a very very posh hotel on a riverbank, had ceremony there then a sit down lunch then everyone buggered off taking our 2 children with them and we went upstairs to the wedding suite and didnt surface for 24 hours. Was exactly what we wanted. Only people we really loved were invited.

cmotdibbler · 26/03/2008 10:58

We had a reasonable size wedding, but we decided on a guest list, what we were doing, where etc, and then told everyone. In a very, this is what we are doing and thats final sort of way. That way there weren't any arguements about it.

Sounds like your DP would like to go ahead, so sit down, decide exactly what you both want, and book it. Share out the tasks as to who will do what between the two of you, and then be done with it until the day. And be firm - its nobody elses business except you and DP.

ingles2 · 26/03/2008 10:58

I was just wondering, as it is your dp who wants a big do, how much of the preparation is he prepared to do?

Chequers · 26/03/2008 11:02

Message withdrawn

berolina · 26/03/2008 11:04

He's going to have to compromise, PP.

Theyoungvisiter's ideas are excellent. For various reasons, one significant one being ILs' assumptions, my wedding (apart from the wonderful evening do with just friends) was not how I wanted it to be, for which even the lovely, extremely low-key church blessing 9 months later didn't entirely make up. If I had my time again I would do it very, very differently.

stripeybumpsmum · 26/03/2008 11:16

'tis the law of weddings someone will always be offended no matter what you do.

So make sure it is not you! A bit overdramatic but remember it is the start of your marriage - start as you mean to go on, don't be forced to ensure a day you neither enjoy nor feel represents you and DP.

It seems as though you are as upset about the hassle of organising as it ot being what you want. With that in mind, and taking other peoples' suggestions into account:

Let other people organise it
Change the date to a Friday and choose a small venue that means you have to limit the numbers - some won't turn up if they have to take a day off.
Talk with your DP and decide the things that are absolutely critical to you, and those you are prepared to compromise on. And stick to it
Go off and get married the way you want before the big event, and just have that as the party
Just go off and do what you want when you want

Options 1-5 dependent on how strong you feel about it.

Personally.....the best weddings (inc my own) I have been to are those which are relaxed, low key where lots of people contribute to make it personal. Honestly, it goes by so quickly you do not want your only memories of the day being that Uncle David or whatever was whining. We made it a rule that no one was invited that neither of us knew (so no 'please bring a guest) and anyone the other person had met had to visit us before (i.e. our respective uni and old school friends we don't see often). There was no way I was prepared to see faces I didn't recognise sharing one of the most inportant days of my live.

Rant over, but I've been there and know how you feel and want to wish you lots of resolve to stand your ground!

theyoungvisiter · 26/03/2008 11:21

also I think a lot of wedding stress is down to people's own making - they stress about flowers/place settings/co-ordinated button holes etc in a crazy way that they would never do if it was some other kind of celebration - and you are boxed into that mentality by all the other organisers.

If you CHOOSE to let go of all that kind of stuff it honestly doesn't have to be any more stressful than organising, say, a large family birthday.

When I was organising our wedding (at a similar time to you in terms of moves, baby and work) I told all the professionals involved that it was a "family celebration" because I didn't want to be marked down as a cash cow and pressurised into options I didn't want.

DP and I sat down and agreed what we wanted out of the day and didn't solicit any help/money/advice until all the basics were in place. Then once it was set in stone, if people offered to help I gave them a specific job to do and then left them to it. For eg my PILs bought the booze - I just left them to it. They went off to France, chose it, paid for it etc etc. I also let my bridesmaids choose and buy their own dresses (ok, that was my one concession - I didn't want bridesmaids originally but my nieces were sooooo disappointed!)

I think if you choose to not stress about the little aspects and use your energy wisely in just booking the essentials and delegating the rest (and by delegating I mean REALLY delegating - you have to trust the person to delegate to and not keep looking over their shoulder, otherwise you might as well do it yourself) it really doesn't need to be any more work than a birthday party.

Original poster

PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 11:24

DP said he would organise it. He said that last Septmeber in fact. And nothing has been done yet

He is a v disorganised person. He has NO IDEA what organising a wedding day the way he wants it involves. I did explain to him was would need doing and he looked horrifed.

It would be ultimatley left to me, no matter what he promises.

theyoungvisitor - your ideas are really lovely. I just can't imagine DP agreeing to them. The idea of my future MIL sitting on a picnic rug eating sandwiches and playing rounders! PMSL!

My DP is lovely, lovely but has very traditional oldfashioned parents and upbringing. I truely think he wants the wedding that would please THEM them.

OP posts:

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