to cancel my wedding in July

[PeppermintPatty]

Not because I don't want to marry DP.
But I just don't want to do the whole wedding thing.

I never wanted a 'wedding', I would love to just nip down to the registery office and do it quietly. But DP really wants a big day.
So we compromised - its fairly low key as weddings go, but still in a church, 100 guests etc.

We've just started to organise it. And its already getting out of control - families 'giving advice' and telling us their expectations for the day, inviting people without asking us, or people assuming they are invited, me and DP arguing over things, me getting stressed.

I've really started to panic.

I don't want to do it. Its not just the stress from family etc. I don't want to spend the next 4 months organising it.

I've had quite an eventful time in last year (bought a house, moved in with DP, done work on house, had baby, got engaged, now back at work).
I feel I need a break from big events!! I want a break, to enjoy the summer, and spend time with DP and DD without stress, arguements and a wedding to plan.

Told DP all this, he sort of agrees, but I think he's also disappointed and worried about letting people (especially his family) down.

It's booked, we've told people but nothing has been paid for yet, and no invites sent out. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable to want to cancel / postpone it?

oh and I think you have to be very direct about people's expectations - by postponing you are kind of implying that you are going to do the big white do but at a later date.

That's fine, if that's what you want, but if you don't want the full enchilada then I think you need to make that clear to everyone (in-laws included). No discussion - just you and DP need to say "this is what's going to happen". And you need to be united about it - no persuasion or niggles behind the scenes. It has to be a plan that you are BOTH happy with.

The other thing you could do is set a budget, decide the guest list, and then do whatever combines both, rather than having to cut the guest list down or pay more. EG, if you are happy to spend say £1000 on the reception(figure plcuked out of the air, would work as well with £200 or £10k!), you could just get yourselves and dh to write down everyone you wanted to come (maybe let him have all family etc if he wants - depends if finance or actually nto wanting them there is your issue). If it comes to 200 people, you've got £5 each. What can you do for £5? Probably a buffet in a church hall and ask people to bring a bottle.
Fine, that would be a lovely reception.
OR, if dh says no he wants more than that, then he has to cut numbers down (or the inlaws might pay!!).

PP if you think that's not what your MIL would feel comfortable with, could you have a compromise of a wedding, small but formal family meal and then a big friendly picnic afterwards?

It sounds like this is a problem between you and your DP though - you need to come up with a plan you are both happy with, and he needs to realise that this is your (I mean both your) wedding, not his mother's!

same as fourplusone and bobsyouruncle - I did enjoy the day, but it had snowballed massively from what I wanted. I did it to please family and DP and regret that. Wish I had never given in. After my now DH proposed and I said yes, my next comment was "I really don't want to organise a wedding!". It took a massive amount of time and money to organise and stressful too.

It's fine if you both want to go to Vegas or nip to the local registry office, but like your DP, my DH wanted a big day and wouldn't be persuaded that pacifying Great Uncle Derek with an invite (whom he hadn't seen since he was six) wasn't top of my list of concerns.

DH has a massive family who all waded in with their "views" (most of them didn't even come in the end but that's another story!) It's very difficult to control and I really know how you feel PP. Do what you feel is best, but don't cancel the day - scale it down.

I totally agree with you, I wanted to nip down to the registry office and we nearly did, but dh caved to pressure from his parents to be there. In the end we had 10 people and that was 10 too many, 100 would send me round the bend.

How about you tell your dp that the whole thing stresses you out and ruins the idea of getting married at all, so if he wants to do it all himself he should do it like a surprise party.

You agree a budget, and that you are showing up for the day but don't know whether to a full party or to a nip down the registry office and a flight off somewhere nice. It's up to him.

I've only read the OP, so sorry if already suggested, but why don't you go on holiday with DP and DD and get married there. You can always invite parents/brother & sisters etc and have a HUGE party (with you in your dress) for everyone else when you get home!

I think YABU to cancel if this is really what DP wants.

But he should be organising it. No use just pointing out to him how much there is to organise and then going on and doing it yourself!

Sit down with him and explain what has to be done. If necessary, write a list/timetable, and then point out to him that these are his jobs.

Then you can focus on choosing your dress/shoes/hair/make-up as necessary and just enjoy the day itself.

If he baulks at organising it, then there is no other option - the wedding will have to be downsized to what you are happy to take on or cancelled. But it's over to DP I think!

MY ideal would be, to get married at a registry office just me, DP, DD and some witnesses. And then go on holiday for a week.

Then we'd have a party for everyone on the same day as we orginally planned the wedding.

How can I persuade DP though?
And am I being selfish? Cause it's HIS wedding as well as mine.

Sigh

BecauseImworthit - But even the thought of choosing dress/shoes/hair/make up freaks me out.

And 100 people being there. People fussing over me. And taking photos.
I hate being the centre of attention like that

I think I suffer from wedding phobia.

YANBU.

We planned a small UK do, the family (DHs family) started putting their noses in, we changed our plan and married in Sri Lanka without them. It was great!

At the end of the day, actually the only things that need organising are: a church (done) and somewhere to eat/party afterwards. Thats all - everything else is just frills that you don't want.

So ring round some places and find a venue that you like and can afford, then book it.

Your DP can organise anything else he fancies, but you have a wedding that will work.

Peppermint - there is nothing to say that you have to have a traditional 'dress' for the occasion. What do you normally do with your hair - do you need to 'do' anything different - I did mine, I just spent a bit more time and trouble air drying it (sitting by a radiator, relaxing) that I normally do, and had a hair clip that the florist had put some flowers on. I did have someone doing make-up, but it was kept very low-key.

Photos - my dh has an aversion to having his photograph taken. The photographer was warned that we didn't want photos taking over and that he had a very limited time, and any attempt to get dh to 'pose' would result in a broken nose (the photographer's, courtesy of dh ) This worked very well and all photos really relaxed. A friend had a 'reportage' style so lots of photos, no posing. And you might find a friend that is good at photos being able to do something like this for you.

Its your day, you make the rules. And make things suit your requirements, not other people's expectations. For instance, we had lovely flowers in the church - but they were more like a selection that had been swept out of a country border rather than the very formal arrangements that you sometimes get. My dress wasn't floor length so that I could join in the barn dance in it without tripping up.... And who has heard of wedding cake with cups of tea at the first part of the reception. We were told we needed to have champagne, but we stuck to our guns and everyone was realy happy. We even 'posed' for the cake cutting after people had already been eating some other parts of the wedding cake for some time.

Or we could organise it for you A Mners organised wedding where you just have to turn up and enoy the day!

I guess one part that is really stressing me out is the bit DP can't organise for me -
what I'm going to wear.

I would like a simple but pretty dress, not particularly weddingy, doesn't have to be white/cream. But flattering and pretty.
But it would have to have long sleeves (long not 3/4 length). Due to scarring I have on my arms / hands. And as it will be July, the material will have to be v fine so I'm not too hot.
And I just can't find one, I have looked and looked.
So I thought I'd get one made. But people keep telling me I'm leaving it too late, if you're getting a dress made you need to sort it out loads in advance.
Also I have no idea about patterns / material.

I'd get one made.... It won't take long.

Pick a designer and go for it!

No no, they are just trying to scare you! 4 months is fine - 3 months is probably about the minimum if you want a full-on bridal gown, but if you're just going for a nice evening-y gown type-thing then I'd say 2 months is doable, depending on where you get it made. Many places will do even shorter notice than that - although they may charge extra for the short notice.

But don't despair about off the peg - bear in mind that you are looking in the winter so styles will be very different. You might find something much more appropriate in a month or two when fabrics lighten up and styles become more summary.

My tip would be don't try to do loads of shops - pick a department store that fits your budget like John Lewis or Selfridges and wander round a selection of boutiques picking out as many styles as possible.

If you are intimidated by the whole thing it could be worth going to somewhere that offers a personal shopper service and explaining your requirements.

plus if you can't find one that you love with long sleeves have you thought about a shrug/coverup thingy? You know the kind of thing I mean - they look like teeny tiny cardigans but just the arms. Lots of them are long-sleeved - it would give you more flexibility with your choices.

I think it's not a good sign that you and your DP are so far apart on this issue and that he can't compromise with you, and seems to be putting the needs of his family and the guests above your needs.

If you can't face the world together, as a united team, for your wedding, when CAN you?
When will you?

I would really want this sorted before I worried about dresses or particulars of arrangements TBH.

If that's the only problem that you're worrying about, I'm sure that this is still doable. Find a list of dressmakers - ideally ones that do wedding dresses and other dresses. Get an appointment to see two or three of them - it shouldn't take too long. Before you go, get some magazines, have a look through and identify what dresses you like out of them - or what parts of what dresses - ie the neck line of that one, dress shape of that, sleeves of another, hemline of another, fabric/ and or colour of another etc. Go and talk to them, show them what you have found and see what you think - hopefully you'll hit it off with one of them, so your problem will be solved.

However, I would suggest that you make it clear to both sets of parents that you're doing this, otherwise one or other is sure to turn up in very 'traditional' large hat and feel rather silly. Mind you, perhaps this doesn't matter anyway!

I didn't like any of the wedding dress styles available when I got married - my mother and I made it, mainly over one weekend. But I quite understand that this isn't for everyone.

Good luck again

May I recommend that you nip over to somewhere like Florence and invite the people you really want

in that way you only get people who really want to be there, it will naturally be smaller .. it will have the sense of occasion that DP wants .. family can be there if they wish to be .. and you can all have a lovely time .. oh yes, and if you use a company like weddingsabroad.com (like we did 8 years ago) you get a built in wedding planner so all you need to do is sort out flights and outfits

Twiglett, wouldn't that be very expensive though? I mean for guests as well as for us.

I know for sure that most of my close family wouldn't be able to afford a trip abroad for my wedding.
So by having it abroad I'm excluding my family, not by choice, and only DPs family would be able to go.

well what's your budget

we spent 5K on our wedding (including 1.5K on outfits) and had 30 people for lunch (5 courses, amazing in a restaurant, including wine) .. including photographer, limo and flowers (all arranged by florentian wedding planner)... I think that's probably a lot less than a wedding for 100 people in the UK

people paid their own trips out .. although you can pay for those you really want to like parents if you need to / want to

We flew out from Luton (£50 a ticket to Pisa) took a train to Florence for 9 euros (40 mins) and gave everybody details of flights, hotels, travel etc .. most people came out for the weekend and made it a bit of a holiday

Blimey, just realised how NEGATIVE I sound about all this .
ITs really get on top of me.

I need to cheer up.

Honoria - I know what you mean but DP IS being understanding, and does want to do what makes me happy. But he is a real people pleaser so wants to make EVERYONE else happy too.
Which is of course not possible.

Last summer we were trying to arrange a housewarming barbeque in our new house, which is v small with a tiny yard. We decided maximum 20 guests, but DP couldn't choose between all his friends / relatives (if I invite this person, I HAVE to invite that person or they'll be upset etc).

So in the end we didn't have one

That sums him up.

also if you marry abroad, only the people who really want to be there come

but you don't get presents, their presence is enough (as they're paying to get there)

dresses how about something like this dress with this shrug