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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel my wedding in July

83 replies

PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 10:28

Not because I don't want to marry DP.
But I just don't want to do the whole wedding thing.

I never wanted a 'wedding', I would love to just nip down to the registery office and do it quietly. But DP really wants a big day.
So we compromised - its fairly low key as weddings go, but still in a church, 100 guests etc.

We've just started to organise it. And its already getting out of control - families 'giving advice' and telling us their expectations for the day, inviting people without asking us, or people assuming they are invited, me and DP arguing over things, me getting stressed.

I've really started to panic.

I don't want to do it. Its not just the stress from family etc. I don't want to spend the next 4 months organising it.

I've had quite an eventful time in last year (bought a house, moved in with DP, done work on house, had baby, got engaged, now back at work).
I feel I need a break from big events!! I want a break, to enjoy the summer, and spend time with DP and DD without stress, arguements and a wedding to plan.

Told DP all this, he sort of agrees, but I think he's also disappointed and worried about letting people (especially his family) down.

It's booked, we've told people but nothing has been paid for yet, and no invites sent out. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable to want to cancel / postpone it?

OP posts:
ImPinkThereforeImSpam · 26/03/2008 15:07

Peppermint, I too had the awful "centre of attention" phobia. I sat down and talked to my DP and explained how uncomfortable I would be and that getting married was for our own benefit, not for everyone else's. I didn't want what should be the happiest day of my life being an ordeal I'd rather forget! We compromised by having a quiet wedding in the Register office, with two witnesses and a simple off the peg pale blue gown. Then we had a party with a buffet in a nice location and invited everyone to that. I put a card in with the invites explaining to everyone that we really were happier doing it that way, and everyone really understood. (or if they didn't, they were polite enough not to comment!!) There were even a couple of guests who said they wished they'd done that as their day had spiralled out of control. I hope you manage to find a way that you're both happy with.

Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 15:08

Our budget isn't much at all and my are parents paying for food.
But DPs parents are giving us 6K towards it. I think they were worried we weren't spending enough / too low key!!
I'm not ungrateful for their offer,its very kind, but am v reluctant to spend their money. DP not so reluctant.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 15:12

But I think if you're feeling like this peppermint, then your DP is not REALLY being understanding, is he?

If he was, you would be planning the sort of wedding you actually want IMO....I hate to be the voice of dooooooooom but I honestly think it's better to get this REALLY thrashed out as an issue between you in order that this difficulty he has with pleasing YOU above other people (which is pretty much how it has to be if you're committing to a life partner) is really dealt with and will make your life AFTER the wedding much easier

IMHO!

peasoup · 26/03/2008 15:14

It's not fair on you if your husband wants a big wedding and you don't yet he isn't getting off his arse and organizing it! From now until July is not long at all to organise the type of wedding it sounds like he wants so why not just call it July 2009 and spend this summer relaxing and winding down after what sounds like a very stessful and hectic time for you. There is absolutely no point rushing and stressing yourselves out and arguing over this wedding if it's not even what you want. It is very stressful organising one and worse still if your hearts not in it. This way, DH gets his dream wedding and you get a year to relax and sort yourself out. I don't think guests will mind if you haven't even sent invites; of course they won't mind. And don't listen to his MIL because it's not up to her; it's up to you.

Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 15:14

ImPink - I'm glad other people feel the same way, I was worried I'm a bit of a freak!

No one I know in real life feels this way, to my knowledge. Quite the opposite in fact, most of my friends have had fancy weddings / hen nights and seem to love all the fuss.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 26/03/2008 15:15

can you not have a small wedding with just close family and a big party later with everyone?

ProfYaffle · 26/03/2008 15:19

I was in the same situation PP (although my dp agreed with me) We did what Twig said, had a small registry do for v close family and friends, 20 people in all. Started off with champagne breakfast at our house, then the ceremony, then lunch in a posh restaurant.

It was my family who were pushing for the big do so I gave my Dad free reign to organise the party. It wasn't my taste but hey, I got the ceremoney I wanted and Dad was happy too.

Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 15:19

Honoria I agree with what you're saying.
But what about what DP whats?

After all the day isn't all about me, its his wedding too. So it can't be all about what I want, I have to consider his wants too.

That's why we agreed on the compromise wedding (it COULD have been a lot worse!)

Do you think? Tell me if I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 15:24

Twiglett - yes that is what I would really like, a teeny tiny wedding and a big party -I love partys (just not weddings!).

I will have do more talking with DP I think.

OP posts:
PotPourri · 26/03/2008 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 15:29

oh yes I see what you mean Pepper, it's just that a church wedding with 100 guests and all that palaver is still a huuuuuuge way away from your wishes of just popping down to a register office! I think you have done nearly all the compromising really......

I guess I think you'd be wise to postpone, at least until you and DP have talked again and it's not about the sort of day you OR he want but about the 'sort of wedding WE want'

Good luck!

Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 15:31

But should I feel pressurised if the other person is DP?
I do believe he wants a big wedding for himself, as well as to please everyone else. At least I think so.....

If your DP /DH really wanted you to do something which you really didn't, would you do it to please him? Or vice versa.
Cos someone has to back down, how do you decide who?!!

I'm going round in circles here aren't I!

OP posts:
bergentulip · 26/03/2008 15:34

The last thing I wanted was to be worrying about whether this place setting matched that, or whether people should arrive a 4 or 4.30, what people were expecting, whether flowers would turn up, bla bla bla ......

In the end, we went away with our closest family, 15 in total, I had a nice dress, we got a yummy cake, but everything else was just low key and relaxed. It was great.

And absolutely do NOT tell any organisers/caterers it is a wedding, because they will only start seeing £££ signs!! We ended up staying a small place, which could be booked exclusively for weddings. But, we did not book like that, just most of the rooms, and booked the dining room for a fantastic banquet (there was actually only one room spare anyway- so who else would book that when a massive family party was going?) and the difference in what they charged for essentially the exact same weekend was £5,000.00!!! Seriously! For 15 people? Are these people for real?

Do a big party afterwards, cos then all you need do is invite people and have a room big enough to put them in!! And a few drinks and snacks. Done!!

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 15:40

I think like all things in relationships it's down to being reasonable; you have said you are almost phobic about the whole big wedding thing; unless your DH is phobic about NOT having a big wedding then I think he needs to compromise with you on the grounds of basic human kindness!!!

I think the idea of a small family wedding followed later by a big evening 'party', is totally brilliant; hopefully the party would feel ok for you because none of the conventions of being the centre of attention, cake cutting, speeches and all that, are expected.....

Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 15:40

No put like that I haven't compromised much, have I?
Humph.

I think I need to talk to DP and get him to be HONEST about what HE wants (with no concerns for anyone else).

TBH I was really shocked when he told me he wanted the whole wedding thing, as its not his normal style at all (he scruffy hippy type), and we usually agree on most things.

If it turns out he wants this to please everyone else, how on earth do I get him to consider my very-important-feelings over those of others (especially his mum)?!!

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 15:42

by telling him that you're not marrying any bloke who can't consider your feelings above those of other people!

And DON'T - if he can't !

Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 15:43

Honoria, I think DP phobic about upsetting his mother!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 15:44

OK, I will say exactly that [determined face]

OP posts:
arthursmum · 26/03/2008 15:44

Poor you! I had to compromise on my wedding (wanted barn with fish and chip suppers, ended up with hotel and sit down dinner) but we still did it relatively cheaply, and, at the end of the day, the thing I really remember about the day was looking into my husband's eyes and saying our vows to each other. At that point, the room might has well have been empty as he was the only person I focussed on. Too many weddings are taken up with creating a great big 'Happy Ever After' moment, but in reality, as far as married life goes I would see it more as a 'Once Upon A Time'. It sounds like you have had a hectic year, and you should have the wedding you both want. If the families really want to get involved, delegate to them (just make sure they have very clear instructions!)

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 15:46

Maybe I'm taking it all a bit seriously but I do think for the sake of your relationship, never mind the wedding, you need to be sure he will put you first!

I've read enough threads on here from people who are going mad that their DH will not back them up or support them particularly in family matters, and it sounds grim. I think it's important!

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 15:47

I am married and it's a REALLY nice feeling that to DH, i AM his family I know he will back me up, and defend me, and that we are a team.

I don't think you deserve any less, pepper

Ambi · 26/03/2008 15:49

Exactly why we buggered off to Maui! People still look at us like because we didn't do the flashy wedding thing. Our thinking is that the marriage is the important thing, not the wedding. hope you manage to sort it out.

Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 26/03/2008 15:51

I totally agree, it is important.

Gosh, I feel really sad now.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 15:54

oh don't feel sad, Pepper - you just need to talk to DP, I bet he will be fine - you just need to make sure he knows how you feel and I'm sure he will come up trumps

Pidge · 26/03/2008 15:55

PeppermintPatty - poor you. The thing is you have both got to be happy with your choices.

If you like the idea of a party, dp and I had a "celebrate our relationship" party about 5 years before we actually got married. Long story, but we were hoping for civil partnership to come through for heterosexual couples, but it never did. Anyway separating the party from marriage definitely took the stress off. We could make it completely our own thing. We had a boat trip on the Thames (not as expensive as it sounds - around £300 if I recall for the boat). Then provided our own drink, and took everyone on to a fabby local Indian restaurant from which we could walk home. We had about 70-80 guests.

Then we did our bus trip to registry on our own, years later, when we resigned ourselves to the fact that the civil partnership thing was ruled out unless we could prove we were gay!!