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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to sleep upstairs?

121 replies

Whysitsodifficult · 07/03/2024 14:46

We have two kids, one is a baby and one is three. 3 year old sleeps through but wakes around 6. Baby doesn’t sleep through.

DH has been sleeping downstairs and because of how the house is laid out he is actually in the furthest point from us. So he can’t hear the kids at all. So this means I’m woken throughout the night by the baby and then up early with the toddler. I’m really tired!

so AIBU in thinking DH needs to come upstairs? Or not?

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 07/03/2024 15:26

Monitors usually go up to a pretty loud volume! If he's not waking up then he needs to turn the monitor up. Also, don't get up yourself, even if you have to wait a while. It might be that he's not used to being on call for the DC and needs a few days to get used to it. Tell him you're sure he can get faster with a bit of practise...

Original poster
Whysitsodifficult · 07/03/2024 15:34

SoftPillowAllNight · 07/03/2024 15:24

Buy an alarm for you 'D'H which wakes at 5.00/6.00 so he's up with the toddler AND baby from 5am. You sleep from 5-9(or whenever).

Also, put toddler to bed later so he wakes a bit later.

Is this still being trotted out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whysitsodifficult · 07/03/2024 15:35

Everydayimhuffling · 07/03/2024 15:26

Monitors usually go up to a pretty loud volume! If he's not waking up then he needs to turn the monitor up. Also, don't get up yourself, even if you have to wait a while. It might be that he's not used to being on call for the DC and needs a few days to get used to it. Tell him you're sure he can get faster with a bit of practise...

Thanks. We don’t have a monitor so should prob get one.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/03/2024 15:46

Hi OP

I'm not being flippant here but what's your husbands solution? He has just taken himself out of helping in nights / early mornings, putting it all on you, and yet it's your problem to solve? What is he going to change to make sure he can still pull his weight in the lack of sleep department? It should he him suggesting alarms or monitors

Vonesk · 08/03/2024 22:27

I dont know the why ?? Or wherefore he would not want to wake for a baby.
Its been going on for GENERATIONS.
Even the way OLD HOUSES are desighned- have you noticed some houses were built with a L - shape?????
A Large Front part and a separate part at the back ,separated by a bathroom ????
They knew what they were doing those Victorians, you cant easily hear kids screaming them.
Your partner ainstupid ,he wants s full 8 hours.
S l e e e e p zzzzz z z z z z z z z x
You are being treated like the Night Nurse.

gezelligheid · 08/03/2024 22:33

Assuming he works, on the days he's not working tell him he has to get up with the 3yo

If he is so easily disturbed that he has to sleep downstairs on the other side of the house to avoid waking in the night, a monitor between 3yo room and DH room should wake him up just fine.

It's not unreasonable to expect your husband to do his fair share of parenting so you can be more well rested. And if he does think it's unreasonable, why does he then think it's okay for you to do all of this but not him?

I'd maybe even go one step further and book a weekend in a hotel myself, enjoy a relaxing break and as much sleep as you like while he looks after the children.

Toffifee1 · 09/03/2024 05:53

I have a baby and my son is almost 3. DH sleeps with my son in his room and wakes up with him because DS still wakes up at night. DC1 became DHs nighttime priority when DC2 was born. Easy and fair!

pootlin · 09/03/2024 06:50

YANBU. Tell him you’re exhausted and he needs to do his share so has to move back up.

Lampslights · 09/03/2024 06:53

Why have you always slept apart? Clearly there is a reason for that. And that reasons exists still.

also are you both working?

Vettrianofan · 09/03/2024 06:56

Whysitsodifficult · 07/03/2024 14:59

So the baby doesn’t disturb him. But we’ve always slept apart, it’s just no room now for him to sleep upstairs and apart.

Two children and always slept apart? Come on now...

gemini1990 · 09/03/2024 06:58

We do the same as @Toffifee1

Double bed in DC1 room so DH in there and baby in with me.

Works well, though he does moan about the 6am starts daily while me and the baby are sleeping after he's been waking me up all night

FUPAgirl · 09/03/2024 07:04

Your replies are quite rude! Clearly he's not going to come in and sleep with you given he needs er has before, so he needs a bed in the toddlers room.

Original poster
Whysitsodifficult · 09/03/2024 07:06

Vettrianofan · 09/03/2024 06:56

Two children and always slept apart? Come on now...

Show quote history

Sorry, what?

Report them then @FUPAgirl

OP posts:
lifebeginsaftercoffee · 09/03/2024 07:10

Two children and always slept apart? Come on now...

You do realise you don't have to share a bed with someone to have sex with them? Right?

BuffaloCauliflower · 09/03/2024 07:11

Can he sleep in 3 year olds room with him? In our house I sleep with baby (who wake frequently) and DH sleeps with 3 year old who wakes occasionally in the night for a cuddle and the up in the morning. We have two single mattresses in that room.

Original poster
Whysitsodifficult · 09/03/2024 07:34

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 09/03/2024 07:10

Two children and always slept apart? Come on now...

You do realise you don't have to share a bed with someone to have sex with them? Right?

I know. Really weird 😂 Besides, both children were planned with ovulation sticks and so on. It wasn’t really the result of an unprompted night of passion.

I am finding him being downstairs upsetting, but he won’t come upstairs so not sure what to do really.

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 09/03/2024 08:14

Whysitsodifficult · 09/03/2024 07:34

I know. Really weird 😂 Besides, both children were planned with ovulation sticks and so on. It wasn’t really the result of an unprompted night of passion.

I am finding him being downstairs upsetting, but he won’t come upstairs so not sure what to do really.

Show quote history

Was just a joke 🤣, but seriously you might need to explain that two of you need to get a rest and he needs to sleep upstairs too. He needs to be involved in being disturbed just like you.

Smerk · 09/03/2024 08:25

He's taking the piss. What's his take on it when you bring it up?

Jk8 · 09/03/2024 10:46

Whysitsodifficult · 07/03/2024 14:53

lol agony with what? Sorry not trying to take the piss but what 😂😂

Er. That's for you to awnser surely ??

Does your husband sleep downstairs/furtherest from you & the kids for any particular reason or just because he prefers to be away from a naggy mum & disruptive Kids ?

If its by choice - yes he needs to be upstairs & pull his weight if its because he needs to be downstairs & your the full time carer of the kids then your being unreasonable

TigerTraveller · 09/03/2024 10:56

You have always slept apart but he doesnt have health conditions as a reason to. So he chooses not to sleep with you. And now he is downstairs and can't hear the kids. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship tbh. I think there's more problems going on here than you waking every night and feeling shattered.

ScartlettSole · 09/03/2024 10:58

Whysitsodifficult · 07/03/2024 14:56

That’s not going to be solved by sleeping on a sofa though is it!

Show quote history

I slipped discs in my back and the only place i could sleep was the sofa. It might not solve it, but it can help at least get a sleep which was impossible in a bed

Hollbeach · 09/03/2024 11:00

This really gets me, my husband used to be like this too and then we moved and there wasn't another bedroom anymore for him so he was forced to endure being woken by the children. He then started pitching in a bit more.
Even if you are a stay at home mum and don't have to go out to work, doesn't mean you deserve sleep any less. It's exhausting and very active looking after small kids! It's also exhausting getting up early in the morning, even if you are getting a full night's sleep, even more if you aren't.

He definitely needs to get involved and get up with the toddler.

Alternatively, I used to stick TV/tablet on for my and try to doze or at least have a bit of a relaxed getting up which helped a bit.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/03/2024 11:03

as DS used to wake at 5 and even if DH took him I always had to get up first as DH took ages to wake properly. So annoying

I think you need to take a turn at taking ages to wake up. He’s takes a long times as he knows you’ll do it. Switch it round.

Rollinroller · 09/03/2024 11:31

I don’t understand why you’re not having this conversation with him.

WeekendFreedom · 09/03/2024 11:38

Rollinroller · 09/03/2024 11:31

I don’t understand why you’re not having this conversation with him.

Well if OP did have this conversation with him and was as rude to him as some of her replies have been on here then no wonder he doesn’t want to share a bed