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AIBU?

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Original poster

Overplanned "adult time" is putting me off. AIBU to tell him?

110 replies

terrytoria · 07/03/2024 07:46

I ended up snogging a very close (male friend) recently. This is someone I know really really well but up until now, never in a romantic way.

Since we kissed, our conversations have been heating up, which has been fun, and we're going out for dinner tonight. My kids are at their dad's so he and I have talked about him staying overnight tonight.

I was hoping we'd see how things went and been really looking forward to it. I'm very comfortable with him and very open about sex so it should have been a fun situation (albeit a terrible idea for our friendship but that's a different issue).

The problem is, in the last few days he's been over-planning it to the extent it's taken all the excitement out of it for me and put me off. It's like every second of it has been discussed. It's actually making me feel a bit pressured, even though it's something I'm also looking forward to.

It's somewhat a reflection on how comfortable we are with each other and he does have a level of autism that I've never really noticed until now.

I need to talk to him about it before we meet tonight. I know he doesn't mean any harm and he doesn't intend to pressure me, he's just excited. But it's really off-putting. I'm worried that it's already killed the moment for me.

If he weren't my friend, I would just cancel. I also know I'm not obligated to have sex with him, and I won't if I'm not comfortable. Either way, whether I end up sleeping with him or not, I feel like it needs to be addressed.

OP posts:
LadyNijo · 07/03/2024 07:49

How do you mean ‘overplanning’? You mean he’s assuming you will be having sex and making plans about exactly how you’ll be doing it? With, like, a spreadsheet?

BunniesRUs · 07/03/2024 07:50

Don't just carry on with it. Just rip the plaster off. Say you're feeling pressured and can you just go for dinner. Take it off table completely. He will be ok with it. (If he isn't then you will have to end friendship). Then, go for dinner, enjoy and see whether you feel comfortable to carry on the evening or not.

Don't give up your comfort and body for politeness. Lots of us women do and have been there x

Notimeforaname · 07/03/2024 07:55

Just be straight, "Looking forward to tonight but can the over planning stop? It's making it less fun for me"
You said you're comfortable saying anything so shouldn't be hard to do.

soupfiend · 07/03/2024 07:55

But you equally have been having more 'heated' conversations and enjoyed that and you say you're very open about sex so presumably have also been discussing similarly, so presumably he is reciprocating and responding in kind. He may be anxious also and this is how he is trying to manage it.

PoochiesPinkEars · 07/03/2024 07:56

I would talk to him asap.
Something along the lines of 'I enjoy spontaneity and planning every minute of a fun evening means there is none. I think you enjoy knowing exactly what to expect at any moment. We need to find a middle ground or this won't work and it's best we know that sooner rather than later.

You need to talk about it because if you can't talk it's doomed anyway and the fun will die, which will also kill it off.

PoochiesPinkEars · 07/03/2024 07:58

Though @Notimeforaname said it better than me. 🤣

Original poster
terrytoria · 07/03/2024 08:05

LadyNijo · 07/03/2024 07:49

How do you mean ‘overplanning’? You mean he’s assuming you will be having sex and making plans about exactly how you’ll be doing it? With, like, a spreadsheet?

Apart from the spreadsheet, this is basically accurate!

At some points it was a fun conversation "what do you like in bed....?" Etc.

But he's told me everything down to the fact he's going to shower both before and after, is buying a new toothbrush to bring and everything in between.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 07/03/2024 08:06

Just cancel. It shouldn't be this hard at this stage.

Geebray · 07/03/2024 08:08

You're getting the ick already.

Original poster
terrytoria · 07/03/2024 08:09

Geebray · 07/03/2024 08:08

You're getting the ick already.

I really really am.

OP posts:
DancefloorAcrobatics · 07/03/2024 08:10

Just tell him that you're happy to go out for a meal, but all the other talk feels you're pressured. So, meal yes, staying over no.

Aviee · 07/03/2024 08:10

Cancel asap. Sounds awful

Geebray · 07/03/2024 08:11

If you want to salvage the option of any sort of ongoing friendship, I wouldn't sleep with him.

Personally I think that development has happened too early, but that's another story.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 07/03/2024 08:11

Very off-putting that he's assuming you'll have sex with him. I hate guys like that.

Planesmistakenforstars · 07/03/2024 08:11

Yes, tell him. Whatever the intentions reasons, you are feeling pressured. Why would you want to sleep with someone who you can't express that to?

I was hoping we'd see how things went

Do that then. Tell him dinner is still on, but you'd like to just see how things go rather than make it a definite plan to stay at yours. His reaction will be telling.

gannett · 07/03/2024 08:12

Honest communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, even if it's just a fling. If you're not into one aspect of it, yes, tell him! It's better than putting up with it and getting more and more turned off. It doesn't have to be a big deal. If he doesn't know it's putting you off he won't stop it.

If he carries on once you've told him then that's incompatibility right there.

Olika · 07/03/2024 08:13

I actually felt nauseous for a second when I read about him telling you about showers and toothbrush etc.
I don't think you should sleep with him.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 07/03/2024 08:15

I would just message him and say aunty flo has arrived so raincheck and would love to see him for dinner instead.

Lindy2 · 07/03/2024 08:19

You say he has autism. This is his autism showing.

I expect he's nervous, particularly about getting something wrong by not picking up the right social cues, so he's over planning instead.

If you like him then tell him "how about we just go with the flow and see how the evening develops". That might not come naturally to him but he'll know that's what you want him to try. See how he manages with that but please be understanding about his autism.

My daughter is autistic. She plans things, particularly important things, to try and get it right. She also will go over things that have happened, meticulously analysing what went right or wrong afterwards. It's a common part of autism.

Being rejected for your autistic traits and friendship fall outs is also, sadly, very common. Be gentle with him.

jeaux90 · 07/03/2024 08:20

God some people can organise the fun out of a wedding! He is that type.

Just tell him you feel pressured and to back up a bit. Get your boundaries back in place.

jeaux90 · 07/03/2024 08:21

Also my DD14 is autistic so boundaries are a conversation we often have

Alwaysgoingforit · 07/03/2024 08:22

Showers and toothbrushes talk would kill it for me. I wouldn't want to be told that by my dh of over 20 years let alone a potential fwb😑

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/03/2024 08:22

It's perfectly fine to say slow down a bit. Not stopping over, Go out for meal and then see how you feel . If you still want to then great, maybe you are a see someone in person planner, too many messages are off putting for you. You need to tell him now before you sleep with him. If you don't tell him then he'll be straight on you as he gets there! Like an excited puppy

Original poster
terrytoria · 07/03/2024 08:23

Lindy2 · 07/03/2024 08:19

You say he has autism. This is his autism showing.

I expect he's nervous, particularly about getting something wrong by not picking up the right social cues, so he's over planning instead.

If you like him then tell him "how about we just go with the flow and see how the evening develops". That might not come naturally to him but he'll know that's what you want him to try. See how he manages with that but please be understanding about his autism.

My daughter is autistic. She plans things, particularly important things, to try and get it right. She also will go over things that have happened, meticulously analysing what went right or wrong afterwards. It's a common part of autism.

Being rejected for your autistic traits and friendship fall outs is also, sadly, very common. Be gentle with him.

Edited

He did proactively tell me it was this, which I have total sympathy for but am finding completely overwhelming.

OP posts:
Ace56 · 07/03/2024 08:24

Lindy2 · 07/03/2024 08:19

You say he has autism. This is his autism showing.

I expect he's nervous, particularly about getting something wrong by not picking up the right social cues, so he's over planning instead.

If you like him then tell him "how about we just go with the flow and see how the evening develops". That might not come naturally to him but he'll know that's what you want him to try. See how he manages with that but please be understanding about his autism.

My daughter is autistic. She plans things, particularly important things, to try and get it right. She also will go over things that have happened, meticulously analysing what went right or wrong afterwards. It's a common part of autism.

Being rejected for your autistic traits and friendship fall outs is also, sadly, very common. Be gentle with him.

Edited

I agree with this. Also if he’s autistic he will appreciate being told directly what the problem is rather than you lying (saying you’re on a period) or hinting around the issue.

Just say something like ‘I’d still really like to go to dinner but I’d like to make it clear I might not come back to yours or stay over afterwards. This will be something I’ll decide on the night and don’t want to be pressured about’