Overplanned "adult time" is putting me off. AIBU to tell him?

[terrytoria]

I ended up snogging a very close (male friend) recently. This is someone I know really really well but up until now, never in a romantic way.

Since we kissed, our conversations have been heating up, which has been fun, and we're going out for dinner tonight. My kids are at their dad's so he and I have talked about him staying overnight tonight.

I was hoping we'd see how things went and been really looking forward to it. I'm very comfortable with him and very open about sex so it should have been a fun situation (albeit a terrible idea for our friendship but that's a different issue).

The problem is, in the last few days he's been over-planning it to the extent it's taken all the excitement out of it for me and put me off. It's like every second of it has been discussed. It's actually making me feel a bit pressured, even though it's something I'm also looking forward to.

It's somewhat a reflection on how comfortable we are with each other and he does have a level of autism that I've never really noticed until now.

I need to talk to him about it before we meet tonight. I know he doesn't mean any harm and he doesn't intend to pressure me, he's just excited. But it's really off-putting. I'm worried that it's already killed the moment for me.

If he weren't my friend, I would just cancel. I also know I'm not obligated to have sex with him, and I won't if I'm not comfortable. Either way, whether I end up sleeping with him or not, I feel like it needs to be addressed.

Urgh. That is really off-putting, yes.

Tell him he's over-talked it so no sex now, and dinner will be just as friends.

This ^
So boring!
Preserve the friendship.

I think you’ll regret taking things into the intimate realm because this ultra planning ain’t going to end here.

Can you imagine the future living with that kind of detail all the time? It’ll be so wearing.
Nah! Don’t go there.

Spreadsheet 🤭🤭🤭

@terrytoria tell him “I hear what you’re saying that it’s related to autism but my mind works differently and I prefer some spontaneity so, feel free to plan in your mind but I’d rather you didn’t tell me about the more minute details”

100% this is how my son would approach things, which is why he really struggles with women.

He's also being very consent-focused, which is another way that autism can show up if you've got a rule-following one. Really what he's saying is, is it alright that I like to shower before and after, is it ok if I bring a toothbrush. And ultimately, he's highly anxious about whether the whole thing will work or if he's going to lose a friendship too.

You need to take sex of the table tonight if you want to preserve this friendship and build up to it slowly, and the most important thing you need to work out is if you can establish a communication style that works for you both.

If all you wanted was a fling, this isn't the person and of course it's ok if you have the ick or don't want to take things further at all. But also I would urge posters to remember this is a person with a disability, I assume if he could be casual and free-wheeling he would, but he just can't.

And see how he responds. If he doesn’t stop then I’d say you’re incompatible, and don’t go ahead so you can save the friendship, if you want that

Oh God.

I thought you meant he was just sharing his sexual fantasies in too much detail, so that you felt it would be a bit ‘pre-ordered’ on the night.

But what he is actually doing is a real passion killer.

👏

I have a suspicion that you are now regretting the entire romantic element of this relationship and wish you had stuck to being friends but leaving that aside, if you want to go ahead, I’d send him a text and say something like “looking forward to seeing you tonight but hope you don’t mind me saying that I’m feeling a little pressured by all the planning and talk of toothbrushes etc, I’d prefer if we could just see how it goes?”

And then think what to do based on his response. As others have said, it’s probably just his anxiety showing and it could all work out fine, friendship usually being a great basis on which to start a relationship.

Bless him he's like an excitable puppy.

Just tell him to knock it off. He's your friend and you're comfortable with him. Better to nip it in the bud or it's going to be a disappointment for both of you.

I think you probably need to say youd rather you went back to being friends.

It doesn’t sound like this is going to work out for either of you.

Thanks for all the great advice. He text me a moment ago when he woke up and mentioned something about tonight so I took your advice and told him the planning was making me feel pressured and I'd much prefer to take sex off the table and see how the night goes.

He was very very understanding in response.

@Lindy2 @LaviniasBigBloomers 🙏👌

That's great OP! He's probably relieved too, and you might find that the evening is a bit more natural and potentially sexy now that you've taken the pressure off. Good luck xx

That's good, whatever may remain between you in future, be it romance or friendship you've just made that much more likely to be a mutually happy outcome.

Take a big step back. Snogging a friend is salvagable, you can go back to how you were. Sleeping with them not so much. It's not never, but not now if you're not sure.

Definitely agree with this. My son is autistic and can, at times, over plan out loud.

We all plan things, and it wouldn't be unreasonable for any "normal" chap to decide to have a shower before sex with a new person, but they wouldn't necessarily say it out loud, or to the other person.

If you like him, then just be truthful - nicely. Tell him you are feeling a bit overwhelmed so just dinner this time.

That is his autistic traits coming out but that would worry me because some ND people like to have control over their situation. Planning is his way of exerting that control but he seems to forget he can't control you.

I think you need to tell him he is making you feel uncomfortable and you would rather see what happens rather than plan to the nth degree. Agree with him that he does not discuss the intricate planning with you any more or just tell him you want to cancel.

Are you wanting to have a romantic relationship with him or just be FWB?

Panic can also create over planning, so he might have been really panicky about "having to perform perfectly" so as he responded well, he might have been a bit relieved.

This isn't to guilt the op, so please don't misunderstand me.

But if he autistic, I feel sorry for him. If he's genuinely excited and this is how he shows it, it must be difficult for him. I feel a lot of empathy for people like that. I have ADHD so I can relate in some levels but do autistic people get RSD at all does anyone know? I wonder how rejection feels, if it's as intense as how ADHD feel it. Sorry just musing of fellow ND people.

As for the op, I would just echo above. Just be honest, straight forward with your words and above of all, kindness when you tell him you don't want to proceed. He sounds like a decent person and so do you even if you don't want to be together. I hope you can retain the friendship as it sounds like you get on. Good luck to you.

I’ve got the second hand ick after five sentences 😂 cancel cancel cancel

The shower and toothbrush thing is quite sweet!

He will be all talk and the things he’s promised to do to you he won’t do so you’re going to end up disappointed. There’s nothing like a plan to take the excitement out of it.

The perspective and the insight that it's likely the autism rather than putting intentional pressure on me, has definitely helped.