Overplanned "adult time" is putting me off. AIBU to tell him?

[terrytoria]

I ended up snogging a very close (male friend) recently. This is someone I know really really well but up until now, never in a romantic way.

Since we kissed, our conversations have been heating up, which has been fun, and we're going out for dinner tonight. My kids are at their dad's so he and I have talked about him staying overnight tonight.

I was hoping we'd see how things went and been really looking forward to it. I'm very comfortable with him and very open about sex so it should have been a fun situation (albeit a terrible idea for our friendship but that's a different issue).

The problem is, in the last few days he's been over-planning it to the extent it's taken all the excitement out of it for me and put me off. It's like every second of it has been discussed. It's actually making me feel a bit pressured, even though it's something I'm also looking forward to.

It's somewhat a reflection on how comfortable we are with each other and he does have a level of autism that I've never really noticed until now.

I need to talk to him about it before we meet tonight. I know he doesn't mean any harm and he doesn't intend to pressure me, he's just excited. But it's really off-putting. I'm worried that it's already killed the moment for me.

If he weren't my friend, I would just cancel. I also know I'm not obligated to have sex with him, and I won't if I'm not comfortable. Either way, whether I end up sleeping with him or not, I feel like it needs to be addressed.

I think he REALLY likes you OP

Buying a new toothbrush is hilarious. Is this a potential romantic relationship? Or are you both clear it’s friendship with benefits and will have an end point?

Hi OP,

It sounds like you have been given good advice. If you can, try be open minded and see how it goes. .

I agree with this, my lovely ex was autistic and was a bit like this sometimes.

If you want a relationship (and obvs its fine not to) you need to find a communication style that works for you both. In my experience, the benefits of the autistic style of communication is that you don't have to beat around the bush, you can just kindly but directly say what you mean, and they are likely to appreciate knowing where they stand.

With my ex, after we got to know each other, I would gently tease his overplanning (but oftentimes it was useful and very thoughtful of him!), and he would very kindly say that my disorganised last-minuteness brought spontenaity 😁

You could try giving him some clear and unambiguous instructions, like, don't tell me any more of your plans for the evening as I prefer not to know all these details. Repeat whenever he starts off down that track. You'll not stop him planning. He needs to do that. So concentrate on getting him to stop sharing things you'd rather not hear.

Oh bless him! Maybe just tell him the truth. He probably has no idea!

Any chance he’s nervous? You did say it would be terrible for your friendship!

Is it weird I find this quite sweet? 🙈

723pm. I will kiss you
725pm I will do this move
726pm we will have a brew in our pjs?

Some really good points made above about over-planning as a response to anxiety in social/romantic situations. I think it's also important to point out that he may have a very literal understanding of language and this can make sexting challenging. If you've been having "heated conversations" as you put it, someone with Autism may well take things literally that another man would realise were just hypothetical/playful. So talking about what you'd like to do to each other via text doesn't necessarily mean you want it to play out exactly like that IRL, but he might not get that. He might also struggle with the expectation to be imaginative when it comes to sexy chat, which is why he's gone down the road of showers and tooth brushes!

😬

Agree 100% be honest , he will learn fast and if he likes you it will not be an issue. To be fair to him you were very open etc and he may not know where your boundaries are unless you tell him. He is excited and nervous.

I've been on and off seeing someone with autistic traits (as do I) and he is so loyal but also quite sensitive and you have to 100% be direct where you feel anything is off. He also needs a lot of space, so I would be really careful about taking it slow.

Hope the date goes well. I'm rooting for both of you.

this

Poor guy, he really likes you and he thinks he’s saying what you want to hear. You could be a coach and teach him how to handle women. It could help him in his next relationship. However, if I fixed him, I would keep him for myself.😉

@terrytoria

The dinner was last night - how did the evening go ?

I really like this. In fact I think it's good advice for anyone in relating to an autistic person. It's about being straightforward about your own wants and needs, not ignoring them because the other person might find them hard to understand.

I also find it sweet. Not sweet like a child 🙄 like a man who is nice and totally honest. And autistic. Pretty sure my husband is autistic and it reminds me of him. Not going to have the hundreds of horrible issues you see on mumsnet that’s for sure. Loyal, honest, genuine, kind. Don’t have to worry.

Anyway hope he’s remembered to stop op and you have fun whatever you do.

I too think he sounds like he wants to do his very best for you.

In a world of cheats and horrid men, I actually find it endearing.

How did things go?

It was fun! Definitely some very less conventional chat before and after. But the activity itself was great!

It's mystifying for me that in all our years of friendship, I never noticed he was autistic (and he'd never mentioned it, although happened to mention it in the last few weeks).

Great to hear, OP! I love not conventional conversations, hope you do too :)

Well...I don't mind unconventional but I could've lived without him excitedly asking me if it was better than it was with a man I was dating recently (it wasn't, I'm afraid 🥴). Obviously I spared his feelings.

But all in all a nice evening.

Ahhh he needs a little more instruction on how not to ask that 😂 glad you still had fun though

Will you be repeating the experience ?