Overplanned "adult time" is putting me off. AIBU to tell him?

[terrytoria]

I ended up snogging a very close (male friend) recently. This is someone I know really really well but up until now, never in a romantic way.

Since we kissed, our conversations have been heating up, which has been fun, and we're going out for dinner tonight. My kids are at their dad's so he and I have talked about him staying overnight tonight.

I was hoping we'd see how things went and been really looking forward to it. I'm very comfortable with him and very open about sex so it should have been a fun situation (albeit a terrible idea for our friendship but that's a different issue).

The problem is, in the last few days he's been over-planning it to the extent it's taken all the excitement out of it for me and put me off. It's like every second of it has been discussed. It's actually making me feel a bit pressured, even though it's something I'm also looking forward to.

It's somewhat a reflection on how comfortable we are with each other and he does have a level of autism that I've never really noticed until now.

I need to talk to him about it before we meet tonight. I know he doesn't mean any harm and he doesn't intend to pressure me, he's just excited. But it's really off-putting. I'm worried that it's already killed the moment for me.

If he weren't my friend, I would just cancel. I also know I'm not obligated to have sex with him, and I won't if I'm not comfortable. Either way, whether I end up sleeping with him or not, I feel like it needs to be addressed.

If the relationship does continue, or even if you stay as friends, he will appreciate that you can be honest.

As someone with autism I can say my (over)planning side comes out when I'm nervous, scared or simply unsure. It's a way to control 'my' situation, not the other person.

If you want to continue with a relationship honesty is key, you may find you can be overly honest, I always imagine or plan for much worse than what the reality tends to be. So if someone told me, sex is off the table, lets have a meal, I would instantly relax and in no way be offended.

Autism brings some different negatives (like any relationship) but it also brings positives.

This is a really kind, thoughtful response! Love this.

Toothbrush 😂😂😂😂😳

I have the ick just reading that. He sounds as if he's approaching your encounter as a project or some kind of fantasy — with the potential that he's given very little thought to you and your feelings and it's all about him.

I'd cancel and gently explain why. Others have suggested a good way of expressing it.

Whoops, just spotted your update. Well done, OP.

Well done OP, don't have sex with this man. It's not it. It doesn't matter the reason, if you find your knees slamming shut at the the order of the evening agenda including timing of socks removal, then this is likely not a good sex partner for you.

It's great to reverse back out of a cul-de-sac, like you have done, better to carry on as friends rather than have the cringiest shag of your life and lose him altogether.

This is great 😊 you've communicated well and he's responded in the right way which shows he's considerate of your feelings! Just have a lovely dinner and see how it goes - you don't have to rush into anything ☺️

Funny isn’t it. I’m autistic and I found his message really sweet. He wants to make sure he’s clean and he’s showing you that he’s going to a lot of effort to make it nice for you and he’s clearly anxious.

This is just a difference in communication style. If he is a good friend you and he can smooth this over.

Your latest news is good OP, you might still get a good 'session' from the evening but do send him home after, NOT an all nighter.

Well it depends on what your thinking limg term - he probably plans most things like this.

Ahh bless him I reckon he was just nervous because he knows you so well and is petrified he'll mess up/not satisfy you.
Best for both of you to take sex off the table for tonight. Even I felt pressured 😂
Pleased to read your update. Have a great evening.

It’s sweet in one way and I’m sure his intentions are good, and he sounds like a great person, but I personally would find it a turn off as over-sharing of tiny details comes across as quite child-like and you obviously don’t want the parent-child dynamic to enter in to a sexual relationship as that’s mega ick.

I say that as someone whose dd has recently been diagnosed with autism, as a result of which I am being investigated too, so I am very sympathetic regarding potential issues.

Oh no, this would dry me right up ☹️.

To anyone reading this thinking ‘that sounds like me!’

I have a partner like this, he has learned to channel his need to plan things to the nth degree into choosing lovely gifts and elaborately wrapping them or preparing elegant meals and desserts which take days to get all of the elements in place, he has curated tasting journeys with cheeses he doesn’t even like and developed cocktails to suit my tastes, he has planned camping trips and prepared the whole menu weeks in advance because I said I didn’t want to have to think about food.

Your autistic self/loved one absolutely can find ways to meet their needs that match with what their partner needs

Yep - once the ick has kicked in, there's no going back! For the record, I'd feel the same as you in this situation.

So pleased you are going and have laid boundaries out clearly. You don’t have to be with anyone you aren’t feeling it for. End of.

Honestly the best thing about my partner being autistic is that if I lay out how I want it to be clearly he takes me literally at my word

That’s a really helpful thing if you can engage with it

Really think hard about getting into bed with them and what it will mean to them, only go there if you are prepared to accept them as they are and not as a project you can ‘fix’

This is lovely!

Funny isn’t it. I’m autistic and I found his message really sweet

Yes exactly. Sweet - like a small child.

On a factual level I would be delighted that a man showered not long before and had clean teeth. I think I have experienced some men whose personal hygiene in this front was not at the same standard as mine and after the initial excitement had worn off, I found their lack of cleanliness off putting! But I wouldn't want them to tell me about it as their plan...rather just do it! Can't you just tell him that? 'I love a clean man but don't tell me about your plans as I don't find that sexy or spontaneous!' I'm sure many people have seduction plans in their heads and anticipate what might happen.... but sharing the plan is not sexy!

Sorry missed your update! I did like @terrytoria's suggestion though. Sounds like it's all in hand.

Is he a virgin?

No! Very experienced, which is why I was surprised.

Oooo very experienced you say. And very clean and respectful. I think I could get past the over sharing of the internal planning. 😁

can I just say OP - you sound like such a caring and understanding person. Whatever happens with this relationship it sounds like you are lovely and I hope it works out! He would be lucky!