To feel totally rejected by my daughter

[needadviceagainplease]

I'm in a really bad place, I am very low. Please don't be awful to me, I'm genuinely at a place that frightens me.

I've been struggling for a while with low mood but this week things have come to a head. It's the anniversary of my mums death this week which is always awful, and on top of that my almost 3 year old has started to totally rejected me in favour of her dad. She will say things like "I don't want you mummy, I need daddy". Etc. And he will play into it by saying things like "it's ok daddy's here" etc, undermining me when she chooses him.

I've absolutely broken my heart crying this evening and he doesn't seem to care how it's making me feel. I've done so much for that little girl, he worked away most of last year and it was mummy who was there for everything, consistently. And for what? To be rejected like this.

I have persistent thoughts about not being a good enough mum (I suffered from severe PND and this was a huge element of it, that I'm not a good enough mum so my baby deserved better), and now all those thoughts are back tenfold. I am considering leaving and letting him raise her as that's clearly what they both want. I feel surplus to requirements.

I am in such a dark place. 🙁

Sorry I don't even know what my question is, my head is that much of a mess. I've just sat on the stairs crying for an hour. I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry about your mum. It's very hard. 💐

Children go through phases like this. It is perfectly normal in their development and absolutely not a rejection of you. She feels safe and secure. Odd as that sounds.

Can you take some time for yourself to just be quiet, do something in remembrance of your mum?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's just a phase. This is so common in 3 year olds. I think it's to do with their brain development. It's truly not personal.

Are you able to have any kind of grief counselling? It sounds like you could really do with someone else to talk to.

Please don't read too much into your daughter's behaviour, it really is just a phase.

She's not rejecting you, she's just being a toddler. You really aren't doing anything wrong at all, you do need to talk to someone though. Contact your gp and tell them how you feel

Firstly I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Have you got any support or did you have any support around your mental health? I think you need to reach out to your GP if not.
It's really normal for children to have a parental preference at this age, and if dad was away a lot then it might be the reason she wants dad more at the moment. It's also really normal for kids to go through a phase of pushing mum away, it's a healthy part of growing independence. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you or need you or that you are a bad mum!
I think most mums find this difficult but it's likely hit you so hard because of how you are feeling in general at the moment.
Please be kind to yourself and seek some help 💕

Often children "reject" the parent they are most secure in their attachment to because they know they can safely "leave you" and you'll be there when they come back.

It really is a phase that they go in and out of but it can be very painful to go through. X x x

As her dad has been working away I’d say she’s trying to compensate for that and wanting him over you to rebond. My Dd was a bit like this, I think she lives in fear he’ll go away again. It eased off again and she’s still my little bestie

You sound very low, understandably, especially this week. I have a four year old, so recent experience with this age group. Your daughter's 'rejection' of you says more about her absent dad than her true feelings for you. She feels safe and secure with you. Your love is constant and reliable. She will direct all her negative feelings, fury, sadness etc. at the safe person who she knows will always be there, no matter what. Her dad might disappear again. His presence is less reliable, she can't let her guard down and just be a bratty three year old (which they all need to be sometimes). You're absolutely a good enough mum, probably an excellent one because your daughter feels safe enough with you to truly expose all her emotions, good and bad.

She feels so secure with you that it's safe for her to push you away. But you do sound really low so a chat with your GP will help.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum OP 💐

This is so common with little ones. So often one parent will be flavour of the week (or month!) . Both my DC swung between who they liked better at this age. Also you are the "safe" parent, the one who was always there. There might be an element of her wanting to keep Daddy there and not feeling totally secure in that relationship, because in her mind, he might leave for a while again. So she pushes you away in favour of him. I promise it does not mean she doesn't love you just as much, she is just exploring the relationships and pushing the boundaries of them.

Sorry about your mum OP.
Do you think maybe she’s wanting daddy all the time because he was away for such a long time and now he’s back she’s making the most of him?
Whatever the reason it’s just a phase, you’ve done nothing wrong.
My DC’s are older now but a few years ago DS2 asked me would me and his dad ever split up. I said not likely and he replied with “well just so you know, I’d you do I’d want to live with dad!” I just said “well
that would be up to you”. He’s 16 now and I’m back as being the centre of his world.
Don’t let it worry you. Do you think you could do with some bereavement counciling?

Thanks everyone for your kind replies 🩷

I know she doesn't mean to hurt me and she doesn't understand but I can't understand why my partner seems to almost enjoy it and reinforces it, saying things like, it's ok daddy's here etc when she's perfectly fine with me.

Like this evening I was starting her bath while he was at the shops and she started to say "I want daddy to bath me" and "I don't want mummy" etc, all the usual, so I was like well mummy is bathing you, come on, let's get toys etc. Then he comes back from the shop and hears all this, shouts up the stairs "it's ok DD, daddy is back now". Surely that's just feeding into the problem? I can't work out because I feel so shit whether he genuinely is trying to make it worse or if I'm just so overwhelmed I'm taking it out on him?

Someone posted something similar in the summer and I commented on that saying my 1 and 2 year old wouldn't notice if the ground opened up and swallowed me if their dad was in the room. Now, they are glued to me like a pair of limpets. Don't want to cuddle him, both want me to put them to bed, I am the one they come to for everything. In a few months I fully expect to be surplus to requirements again. They swap between which one they want.

OP, I hear you so loud and clear! My son is nearly 3 as well and he too goes through these favouritism phases and I often think he really does love his dad more than he loves me even though I have always done so much more for him.

I had severe PNA and whilst I'm out of the darkest woods now, my god, does it show its ugly face when the going is tough.

My son has been like this for over a year but it isn't consistently bad, we go through phases of daddy obsession and then it gets more balanced.

Hang in there. It's literally nothing that you did or do that's making her like this.

She's not doing this to upset you either, she doesn't understand this situation rationally the same way as an adult.

Toddlers go through those selective stages which is how they develop and it doesn't mean she loves you less at all. But I do understand it absolutely feels like it and I'm sending you a big hug! You're not alone! It feels shit but this too shall pass ❤️

I went through this with my daughter. As a newborn up until 2-3 she was ALL me, to the point where if my partner (or grandparents, anyone) even tried to hold her she would scream the building down. Out of nowhere she was all him and apparently couldn't care less about me, it didn't last very long.

It has nothing to do with you on a personal level, your ability to be a mother or anything you have done 'wrong' its just a toddler thing. Someone has already mentioned it above and they are right, she feels so secure and comfortable with you and knows you love her and will be there for her that she isn't worried about picking someone else as the favourite for a little while as a change. She still loves and needs her mum and she always will.

Also grief is escalating your feelings now, for sure. That's normal. Please be gentle with yourself now, we'd all feel like you, believe me. Sorry about your Mum ❤️

Ok, first off. Are you safe? If DP is there then baby is safe.

Next - if you are having 'dark' thoughts, ring either 111 or the local A&E and ask for the duty Psych to contact you, they can prescribe a short dose of antidepressants to get you to tomorrow. If you don't want to do that, ring the GP in the morning amd speak to them.

I could have written this post 19 years ago. So I understand how you feel, but please, please believe me when I say that she will want & need you again, even if she's currently a daddy's girl. It could even be the novelty of having him there. But you do need to talk to the GP about your low mood.

Also, it could be that DP isn't trying to undermine you but thinks he's helping and giving you a break (mine certainly did), again given he's been away and you had to pick everything up. I know you're grieving too, but are there any other family members that could help so you can have time together to talk?

Lastly, sending a massive hug xxx. You can get through it, but please, please seek help xxx

Someone mentioned bereavement counselling, I've had therapy over the years since losing my mum but nothing has ever really helped. I was only a little girl when she passed away just over 30 years ago. The pain never goes. There's always been a gaping hole in my life where my mum should be. I do wonder if this rejection feels worse this week because I'm also reliving the pain of her loss🙁

Thank you 🩷

Just don't worry. Some guys are very caring and entertaining to their kids and the kids just pick up their cheerfulness and want to be with them. She has not said anything nasty to you.....

I'm so sorry about your mum and that you are feeling this way.

Please do speak to someone if you need help tonight - 111, A&E or samaritans. Please contact your doctor tomorrow.

As others have said, your 3 year old is doing something very normal. It really isn't a reflection on you. My son went through a stage of only wanting daddy and it did sting at the time. He is 10 now and we are very close.

It doesn't sound like your partner is supportive though? It is really not on for him to be feeding this. When he came back from the shops, he could have just stayed downstairs while you bathed dd.

❤️❤️❤️ @needadviceagainplease

most children go through these phases.

It isn’t that she doesn’t love you, it’s that you are so safe and secure for her that she is able to expand who she favours in that moment.

She knows you love her, she knows she loves you, so she takes it for granted.

It’s a sign of a secure attachment to a loving mother when they treat you like a boring part of the furniture.

Your little girl will come through this phase but your husband is being downright nasty. He knows how you’re feeling and he’s playing up to this for his own ego and maybe even because he’s enjoying it. Is he horrible in other ways?

You're all so kind and I am finding comfort in your words, that her rejection is of me a sign of security in her attachment to me. I wish I could truly believe and feel that right now... I'm trying 🙁