To feel totally rejected by my daughter

[needadviceagainplease]

I'm in a really bad place, I am very low. Please don't be awful to me, I'm genuinely at a place that frightens me.

I've been struggling for a while with low mood but this week things have come to a head. It's the anniversary of my mums death this week which is always awful, and on top of that my almost 3 year old has started to totally rejected me in favour of her dad. She will say things like "I don't want you mummy, I need daddy". Etc. And he will play into it by saying things like "it's ok daddy's here" etc, undermining me when she chooses him.

I've absolutely broken my heart crying this evening and he doesn't seem to care how it's making me feel. I've done so much for that little girl, he worked away most of last year and it was mummy who was there for everything, consistently. And for what? To be rejected like this.

I have persistent thoughts about not being a good enough mum (I suffered from severe PND and this was a huge element of it, that I'm not a good enough mum so my baby deserved better), and now all those thoughts are back tenfold. I am considering leaving and letting him raise her as that's clearly what they both want. I feel surplus to requirements.

I am in such a dark place. 🙁

The best reply is Well I love you! Or I want you!
Don't worry please OP.
However, your partner should be saying, Aw OK and then I am going to hug Mummy because we love her.
Not making a big deal or emotionally blackmailing her but just demonstrating your importance.

I haven’t read the whole thread OP and sorry about your mum. Just wondering how old you are and if you could also possibly be post or peri menopausal as this into the mix is not to be underestimated and I felt like this with my teen DD who rejected me and didn’t know how nasty to be to me.

I think your partner is trying to please your DD, he's using comforting words not necessarily aimed at making you feel worse, but it feels like it. It's very familiar to me, my son's dad was like this too until we sat down and I told him that perhaps it's time to be more considerate and that he's not there to please DS but to parent him.

I also think you're right, the perceived (because it isn't real) rejection from your DD is making you feel low and it's reopening the hole you have after losing your Mum, especially this week. Your lack of confidence in parenting is also likely rooted in losing your Mum early. I think it's OK to acknowledge this. It's also important to remember that it's up to you what you'll do now and going forward. It's obviously harder starting position for you, but the difficult past doesn't need to determine who you are as a person, your feelings and who you are as a Mum to your DD. Remember you have the power in you to be yourself and own it.

I'm almost 39. I do think I could be peri tbh. Irregular periods, massively increased anxiety and low mood, etc. My sleep is also not good at the moment.

He said he didn't mean to feed into it, and that he thought I'd be "relieved" to know he was back from the shop and could help if I needed it. I said it didn't help at all and I just felt more undermined and like the pair of you are a team almost against me? He didn't get it, at all. Then he went out and left me crying on the stairs.

3 year olds are soooo unreasonable and they push every single mother's buttons, it's what they do! And the fact that you are always there for her means she doesn't fear you going away whereas she's anxious and extra needy to her usually absent dad.

You are not alone!

I think your partner is just keeping the peace, it's easier to give in to DD's wants in that moment. He may even enjoy getting the attention from her, you can't blame him too much.

Sending you hugs OP. You are dealing with a lot and having a toddler is one of the toughest moments of motherhood. I'd be tempted to take advantage of this and take some time for yourself, e.g a dinner out with a friend, a trip to a shopping mall, anything to get you out of the house

Part of me is hugely resentful too. I parented by myself whilst also working, and running a home, for the best part of an entire year (he was home at weekends). And yet somehow he's earned the title of the favourite parent. Wow, I must have done a monumentally shit job of solo parenting 😂

Got to laugh now cos I'm sick of crying til I cant breathe🙁

Not nice and grow up, when you can find the time...

OP, you've said that you've been consistent? That's all your little one wants. I have two and they flitted between me and their Mum throughout their younger years. They still do in some ways in late teens, but the 'constant' is so important and you're doing this now and setting this up for the future. It can be really difficult when they are little. They don't get it. They don't have an iota what you do for them.

And you being worried about this ONLY makes you a great mum.

When my daughter was 2 she did this, I was home all day with her but then she wanted daddy, wouldn't let me put her shoes on etc had to be daddy.
I can't really remember when things changed but she's definitely a mummy's girl now and we have a very close relationship, just give it time.

I'm sorry you are feeling in such a bad way. Please do talk to someone. Samaritans are always there when you are feeling low. Tomorrow try to see your doctor and ask about treatment for what sounds like depression. You can get help. It won't always be as bad as this.

My little brother wouldn't go to bed unless my father carried him upstairs. Nothing would persuade him or change his mind and it didn't matter if father was away or dealing with some crisis or whatever. He still wouldn't go until he came back. Mother knew it couldn't be understood and it wasn't any reflection on her. You can't fathom a child's mind.
Your partner may be calling out that he's there as reassurance. It's difficult not to read something into it or take it personally when you are already feeling low.

@Abitofalark
I get what you're saying but why does my little girl need "reassurance" that her daddy is there when she's perfectly safe being taken care of by her mummy who loves her very much? That's what I don't get. It makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong or harmful, for him to feel the need to swoop in with his reassurance? And that feeds right into my insecurities that were the root of my PND - I'm not good enough as a mum and she deserves better etc. All the toxic shit that eats me up inside and takes me to a really dark place 🙁

This is really common for a toddler to express which parent they want and when. It is part of them testing communicating with you and exerting a bit or autonomy and control over who they are with. They often want to try parent swaps for bath, bedtime, dressing, going on a swing/slides and so on.

I think your DH is right to listen to your DD and develop that relationship with her. She already knows you will be there for her, and will do anything, but she making her Dad jump through the same hoops you did so she knows she can be just as safe and secure with him as she is with you.

It is also good role modelling for a child to see that taking care of her isn’t always mum’s job and therefore not a job for boys/men. You have paid your dues, and can take a break and let Dad pay his dues secure in knowing your DD is not rejecting you, she is testing her Dad. Hopefully he will pass with flying colours like you did.

You are a battered old teddy bear . (Stay with me here).
Daddy is a shiny new toy. Your DD wants to play with the novelty cool toy, but when she is ill or needs comfort then it's the old ted that she will reach for.

You have a DH problem not a 3yo problem. He might not be doing anything much wrong but it's triggering for you so you need to find a way to communicate with him about it.

Grief is all consuming. Your body will physically react to occasions (birthdays, anniversaries etc.). With mother's day this weekend it makes sense that you have heightened emotions.

I am with my son 24/7, including home educating him (SEND and disability). I AM a fun parent- if we go on holiday/ have a party/ have Christmas presents/ have his friends over/ have pets/ dye our hair pink/ go for a picnic or ANYTHING, it’s muggins here who organises it.

My DW goes to work, and plays PlayStation with him at the weekend sometimes… he still says he would save her from a volcano first!

Oh my lovely, your thoughts are clouded by grief, hormones and daily drudgery.

Your little girl has no problems saying she wants Dad because she knows that Mum is always there. Every time she is happy, every time she is sad, every time she hurts herself- you are a constant in her life.

I’m absolutely sure your DH doesn’t mean for you to feel this way either. When a child calls out for you, it is only natural to say “I’m here and I’m coming”. It doesn’t mean that he doubts you. He must feel like he is between a rock and a hard place too- wants to be there for you but knows if he does then DD will call for him (as he is the novelty!).

Please speak to your GP as it must be awful to feel so down. You need to look after yourself too xxx

Go to your GP and get antidepressants- after the loss of my mum I put it off for three years then realised after reading posts here how life changing they’d been for people. I’ve never looked back they allow me to function so much better.

I don’t think it would hurt dad to say I’m here but mummy is doing bathtime tonight. Have your bath with mum then I’ll read you a bedtime story. For example but maybe this is too much to expect from a man who walks out on you when you’re broken and pleading for help. Hugs xx

The run up to an anniversary ( sadiversary) is always difficult, I find it worse than the actual day. Be kind to yourself, maybe plan something for the day itself. Some flowers, plant some seeds, have coffee and cake somewhere nice, whatever suits you.
Your DD’s behaviour is typical of a three year old. Don’t take it personally, she’ll do this for a while then it’ll be something else.

Oh OP I feel you so much, my baby is only 4 months old, but even now daddy is so much the favourite. She will scream at me and coo and laugh for him. I know that it will pass, and I will consistently be there for her but my god it hurts.

I can only reiterate what others have said. Your dd is not rejecting you really. She is in a safe and secure emotional relationship with you so much she is able to 'choose daddy'. I get what you mean about his comments and reaction to it not helping but he probably feels guilt for working away and leaving her so is relieved that she wants him.
I hope you feel better in yourself soon. Just remember 3 yr olds don't mean to be hurtful. It's a completely normal development stage. It shows how safe she is with you and how much she loves you xx

Take the time she decides to want to spend time with him for you to spend on you, could be a book, just read a chapter every time. Just gives you the head space
Guaranteed she loves you

I think most things your child says to you until they’re a young adult with a mind of their own should be taken with a pinch of salt. If mine ever said ‘I hate you’ or ‘I don’t like you’ I’d just grin and say ‘well that’s a shame because I lOVE you.’ And then you move on.

Part of being a mum is rising above the crap and just get on with the job of parenting so that they become happy and well rounded individuals. What a 3 year old says is not really about you. It’s not about her true feeling about you. It’s about her testing boundaries, exploring the power of newly emerging language skills and finding her way in the world.

Go with it. Let your husband be the hero for five minutes. Like one minute they like peas then the next they don’t, it will all switcheroo soon enough. Parenting is up and down for the long haul - be kind to yourself op.

I would try not to take it so personally, she isn’t old enough to be saying anything with malice, she’s just a tiny little dot. The fact that she’s happy to go to other people in addition to you suggests that she’s secure and well rounded and you’re doing a good job. She obviously doesn’t understand about her dad being away and all that you’ve done for her in his place, the real issue here is your husband and how he has behaved and how he continues to respond to her in front of you, that’s the only real problem that you have to deal with.

@needadviceagainplease you are confusing her behaviour with your issues. Depression does make you self-centered but do realise 1) it's not her fault you solo parented for a year and 2) it's not for a 3 year old to comfort you when you are insecure. A child is not there to re-assure you or to reward you for your hard work. She's discovering the world, testing boundaries and testing you in the process.

@FirstTimeMum897
I haven't and I would never expect my 3 year old to comfort me?? Not sure where you're getting that?