To feel totally rejected by my daughter

[needadviceagainplease]

I'm in a really bad place, I am very low. Please don't be awful to me, I'm genuinely at a place that frightens me.

I've been struggling for a while with low mood but this week things have come to a head. It's the anniversary of my mums death this week which is always awful, and on top of that my almost 3 year old has started to totally rejected me in favour of her dad. She will say things like "I don't want you mummy, I need daddy". Etc. And he will play into it by saying things like "it's ok daddy's here" etc, undermining me when she chooses him.

I've absolutely broken my heart crying this evening and he doesn't seem to care how it's making me feel. I've done so much for that little girl, he worked away most of last year and it was mummy who was there for everything, consistently. And for what? To be rejected like this.

I have persistent thoughts about not being a good enough mum (I suffered from severe PND and this was a huge element of it, that I'm not a good enough mum so my baby deserved better), and now all those thoughts are back tenfold. I am considering leaving and letting him raise her as that's clearly what they both want. I feel surplus to requirements.

I am in such a dark place. 🙁

3 year olds are fickle little beings! Please don’t worry. You sound like a fabulous mum. She’ll be back soon. My DD used to do this at that age…
Can you take some time to yourself to remember your lovely mum?
sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully tomorrow things will be better x

Huge hugs. How upset you feel shows your huge love for that little girl, what a lucky little one.

I think you know that there is some things you need to work through in order to make sure you can build the happiest life for your little girl and yourself going forwards. I would really recommend ACT therapy and self compassion. ACT therapy would acknowledge compassionately that ongoing heartache and deep pain you feel loosing your mum, and to have compassion for that pain, but also help you move with it towards your values and future aims.

One of the many helpful tools from it is called 'thank you brain'..
So when you start to tell yourself things you can say compassionately 'thank you brain for that story that my daughter doeasnt love me..' or whatever thought is going through your mind and it just releases the intensity of it.

Perhaps also some DBT skills to help you while you feel in crisis? I found the cold water tools especially helpful at calming a racing, anxoius brain, and intense exercise too.

Your daughter is not meaning to hurt you, she is going through a natural stage of development.
Compassionately reminding yourself of this may help too.

You will come through this into brighter days together ❤

Thank you everyone, what kind replies 🩷

I feel better this morning as I got a huge cuddle from my little one before I dropped her at nursery, so I am feeling less redundant and more needed today. I do think therapy would be useful so I plan to look into that on my lunch break today, as I'm clearly still carrying a lot of grief around my mum's loss and that's affecting me more profoundly than I think I'd realised.

@needadviceagainplease glad you are feeling better, my 3 year old DD goes through these phases too! But you are her favourite person in the world.
I think it is a good idea to speak it through with someone as you will always be tested by your DD, whichever stage she is in, and you can't expect her to be an unwavering emotional support to you - it will bring her anxiety too - I speak from experience with my own mother.

You sound very astute and have already linked the way you are feeling to your gief at losing your mum and your struggles there.

If it helps at all, I was very much a daddy's girl when I was very young - I adored him and always wanted to be with him. He also worked away, so there is something there about the absence that encouraged it.

However, I grew up to be very close to my mum and only last week had a loving, slightly teary conversation with her about how she is honestly the single person in my life whose love I have never, ever doubted. I have known she has loved me from was soon as I knew anything at all and now, at 44, I have known it rock solidly deep in my soul every day since.

My Dad does love me (of course) but there have been times when my younger self doubted it. My Mum's love has been 100% guaranteed and trusted all my life.

3 year olds are rubbish judges of character and their behaviour is not indicative of love or of how good a relationship you will have as they grow.