To feel totally rejected by my daughter

[needadviceagainplease]

I'm in a really bad place, I am very low. Please don't be awful to me, I'm genuinely at a place that frightens me.

I've been struggling for a while with low mood but this week things have come to a head. It's the anniversary of my mums death this week which is always awful, and on top of that my almost 3 year old has started to totally rejected me in favour of her dad. She will say things like "I don't want you mummy, I need daddy". Etc. And he will play into it by saying things like "it's ok daddy's here" etc, undermining me when she chooses him.

I've absolutely broken my heart crying this evening and he doesn't seem to care how it's making me feel. I've done so much for that little girl, he worked away most of last year and it was mummy who was there for everything, consistently. And for what? To be rejected like this.

I have persistent thoughts about not being a good enough mum (I suffered from severe PND and this was a huge element of it, that I'm not a good enough mum so my baby deserved better), and now all those thoughts are back tenfold. I am considering leaving and letting him raise her as that's clearly what they both want. I feel surplus to requirements.

I am in such a dark place. 🙁

Thanks. I have something nice planned with my sisters on our mums anniversary, we are going for a nice lunch together 🩷

Aw I'm sorry OP. I don't know anyone who hasn't gone through this with their toddler. It hurts. PPs are right, they actually cling like this to the parent they are less secure with (usually dad). You cannot take these behaviours personally or seriously. 3 year olds are essentially giant babies, don't expect too much of her and try not to take anything personally (just like you would with a baby).
im so sorry about your mum, it sounds like a what of you feeling about her is making you struggle with perceived abandonment by your daughter. I hope you can speak to someone soon xxx

When he says ‘daddy’s home’ could you not say “ great!, come and take over!” Then go and do something just for you, you nails, some skincare, read a book etc…..
Youll be surprised, a little time away from you will do both you and your dd good.

I read a really powerful analogy about grief once, this person described the rawness of the first few years afterwards as “like walking around with the top layer of your skin missing” - as in emotionally, you are so raw and tender that even the slightest knock to your feelings or a few harsh words cuts you to the bone. My younger brother died and I related to this so, so much. It really did feel like I was red raw and sore, all the time.

Your husband is being an arsehole tbh.
Maybe he feels guilty about being away but what he's doing is hurting you and you need to tell him how distressing it is that he seems to enjoy upsetting you.

Awh....it's not you.

You are trying to rationalise a 3 year oldest thinking. It's not rational because she's only three!

I strongly suspect it's because he's the novelty parents. He worked away last year and wasn't around so in that time she has become very used to you, she knows you and is comfortable with it.

She doesn't have the same bond with your DP yet so she's chasing his attention right now. The same way she probably favours a new toy compared to one she's had for a while.

It will all even out over time.

My mum was a SAHM when we were little. She admitted to us when we were older that it used to break her heart how we would be all about my dad the minute he came home from work & we didn't want to know her when he arrived, even though she was one the one who minded us, fed us, played with us all day. She said the only time she ever got the same reaction was when she was away for a day when my aunt had her first child.

It's what kids do unfortunately and it's no reflection on you.

If you are feeling low please do talk to your gp.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong or could do anything differently, and I really feel for you! I'm not at this stage yet as my daughter is only 1, but I wanted to reply about your husband's behaviour - I wonder if he has some insecurities about having not been around and now is relieved that your daughter wants him around? He obviously knows you are clearly more than capable of providing everything your daughter needs so maybe he has previously felt surplus to requirement until this stage with her and now is making the most of feeling needed. In a way it's nice he's not trying to get out of doing everything she wants from him!

That's not exactly what the PP meant.

When things are emotionally hard in parenting, and especially if you're going through various MH difficulties, your brain tends to play tricks on you making you think that your children should behave in a certain way, otherwise you're a shit parent if they don't. But this is a trick. In reality, children are just being children, they are developing. They aren't here to act exactly like we'd like them to, they aren't here to be nice or good to us to validate us as parents, or whatever it is that our brain is imagining. They are simply growing and we chose to have them and now we need to provide a safe space for them, with no expectations as to how they should make us feel. We can hope they grow up to be happy, healthy, good people and of course this would be a fantastic reflection on the nurturing environment we provided and a great feeling. But this is a process, it won't happen anytime soon. It isn't guaranteed either.

Your DD will not validate you as a parent (certainly not yet). It's not her job to do this. Your brain is trying to build up that unrealistic expectation, it's unmet and it's making you feel shit. It's a classic vicious circle of depression and/or anxiety. I've been there and it's important to acknowledge this because you can then look at things from a healthier distance.

Hi OP,

I hope you are doing ok, and that some of the posts have made you feel a little bit better.

It sounds like you’re able to think about some of the things that might be going on for you right now.. peri (even without having a small child and grief) is enough to have a huge impact on your mood and wellbeing. The lack of sleep will be making you feel worse too. I think often when things feel overwhelming and we’re feeling low it can be easy to begin to view everything from a negative perspective, usually one that leads to further self- criticism, and I feel like I can hear that coming through when you’re speaking about the situation with your daughter.

I’m sure other posters have clarified that this is a normal developmental stage, it is absolutely something your daughter should be doing at 3 years old. It is a sign of secure attachment when your child feels able to move away from you to develop and explore other close relationships, she will come back to you. It makes most people feel a little bit upset, but, because you’re feeling low at the moment i sense you may be interpreting this as a really significant rejection, which might be spurring that feeling you’ve had that you should leave. Sometimes when people have had difficult attachment experiences (I’m not saying this is you, but you have mentioned the loss of your own Mum at a young age) it can be difficult to respond when we feel rejected, and often people can get into a bit of a cycle of feeling rejected and then becoming rejecting towards the person/people who have made us feel like that. I wonder if some of this could be affecting your relationships with your child/ partner at the moment.

It’s very clear that you love your child very much. It also sounds like your partner was trying to help, but because you’re not feeling so good it may have felt threatening. Having said that, I know sometimes when the secondary parent feels useful or needed by the child (when the child picks them as the favourite) it can feel really good for them- having taken a backseat previously to the primary parent (which sounds like you given all you’ve done for your child). So I suppose whilst it may not be his intention to hurt you, maybe he just really took some joy in being that most important person to their child, a role that she usually positions you in. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he was sabotaging you, maybe just that you both need to really do some thinking together about how you respond as a team (as you say).

I also just wanted to recognise how hard it must be managing grief alongside this, and I’m sure this must be very triggering for you.

I hope you’re ok OP, please get some suppport if you are worrying about how to keep yourself going.

It’s completely normal. My 3 year old does this too and it comes and goes in phases, sometimes I’m the favourite and sometimes DH is. Don’t read any more into it, she loves you.

Listen sweetheart, she is just being a toddler. She is probably reacting in a way to her daddy's absence. And don't take his reassurance personally. That's what she needs to hear. She needs you both - she relies on you because she has always had you there for her. It's a phase, and it will pass. They tend to move on to the, "I hate you!" stage too and it's so hurtful! They don't mean it though. It's just words.

I was a lot older than you when I lost my mum, but it was untimely and it's been 17 years now. It's hard! I was fortunate that mine did meet my kids but they were between 3 and 9 when she died and I wanted so much to share this mum thing with her!

You've got a lot of emotions all tangled up there. I think you should see your GP, and access counselling, maybe bereavement counselling.

I'm glad you and your sisters are getting together for your mum's anniversary. Take care x

She is honestly not rejecting you - this is just a very normal phase of development and nothing to worry about. I think you need to see your GP if you're feeling really low. Speak to your partner as well and tell him you're struggling. He probably isn't deliberately undermining you, he may think he's giving you a break by stepping in when DD is being difficult. Tell him how you would like him to respond when DD asks for daddy.

Aww, you poor thing, I'm so sorry for your loss
I promise you that the thing with your daughter isn't personal. They go through phases and believe me, it will change again.
I have 3 teenage daughters and I wish they'd be daddy's girls to give me a break

Ah, I wish I could give you a big hug. So, so much at play here. Grief, trauma, loss. I do feel like you have might have idealised the mother daughter bond because yours with your own mother was cut so short and you want to recreate that with your own wee one?

She's not rejecting you, toddlers are just fickle little buggers.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.
You are obviously a very good mum and look after your daughter amazingly, so there is no reason for her to be behaving like this other than just being a normal toddler.
I was told once that daughters can stray from their mother for a bit when they're young, but they always come back to you once they're older and they become your best friend.
This phase will pass and you absolutely have better days ahead of you.
In the meantime I would speak to your GP, however scary it may feel, they can help you to feel better. I'm glad I did it when I was struggling with PND.

💐

I agree. My children have done this too at different stages, it’s just a phase. Try if you can to laugh at it when it happens, but do talk to someone if you can about your feelings.

It’s absolutely true. A securely attached child of that age doesn’t really see you as separate. It would be like asking a fish how it feels about water.

It’s also a completely normal childhood phase. Mildly maddening at times, but nothing to merit you walking out and ‘allowing her father to raise her solo, because that’s what they both want’. You need help, OP. Make sure you get some.

@needadviceagainplease your daughter is exploring her environment and how people react. It isn’t personal, it is just a phase but it is hurtful. My eldest DS1 at that age used to tell me he hated me and only wanted daddy. It was really hard to deal with, even though he didn’t do it all the time. I think because he was with me at home, I was the disciplinarian when he was having a toddler moment and when his dad got home he’d be fun daddy doing bedtime.

I do think that it did leave a small scar on my subconscious for a good while. He grew out of it and now he’s an adult we’re very close.

DS2 was a completely different child and used to not want daddy, which I’m sure was hurtful for my DP.

Please be kind to yourself, see the good in yourself and your parenting. You are not alone, reach out to your health visitor and/or your GP. A bereavement can really knock you for six emotionally. There’s no shame in seeking help. You are worth it.

This is grief OP and grief is very unreasonable.
From experience the only thing I can suggest to try not to attach your security and feeling of self worth onto someone else (your daughter, husband etc). Do things for YOU that make YOU feel good and confident. Perhaps a gym class, a walk in the fresh air, doing well at your job. Don’t let anyone else’s reactions define how you feel, as when you are grieving you cannot rationalize anything.
FWIW, I once burst into tears when the dog wouldn’t walk nicely after my gran died - I was convinced he didn’t like me anymore. Looking back I know the poor animal was probably as confused and at sea as I was, picking up all those sad vibes.

I think some posters haven’t read the post where the OP says her mother died 30 years ago. This for me puts a slightly different category mole ion on her posts and suggests even more strongly the need for help.

I’ve got a 3 year old that is like this. It goes in cycles with her. Dh is a teacher and in the school holidays when he’s off and being fun dad she’s not bothered with me. When he’s back in work it’s back to me and she won’t let him bath her, read her a story…Tells him she only wants Mummy. He gets really upset. They have a fantastic relationship though and he’s a brilliant dad. Honestly try not to let it get to you. She doesn’t know what she’s saying.

This is SO common for children. I was devastated when my first switched from mum to dad and thrilled when my third did (Hey Dh she wants you.)

But a couple of things strike me. You must have lost your mum when you were very very young. Having your own child may well have brought up a lot of grief and pain for you. I think you should try to reach out and get help with that and with the thoughts that are coming back to you. Please do that for yourself.

Also your dh needs to cop himself on. He is probably feeling his own guilt for working away most of last year and is thrilled with her choosing him as it makes him feel better about his absence but he needs to be mindful of you too. Tell him you are delighted that your child wants him but can he please have a bit of bloody understanding and respect for how it might make you feel. A child's love for its parents isn't a zero sum game.

I bet when he came back from working away and she clung to you you didn't say "never mind mummy is here" - you probably said "hey its daddy! How lovely"

Big hugs, I know how you feel. I lost my mum more then 25 years ago and was quite young. The pain never goes, I think it also makes parenting harder to deal with yourself. I can understand the feeling of rejection around your little girl. Fortunately mine are now older and I can eco what others have said about her currently find your DH a novelty toddlers often go through this phase is good as you can be secure that she has healthy attachment to you. I don't think anything your DH is doing is making her worse. It'll be nice for her to have a good bond with her dad to.

Be mindful that you may find things difficult when your daughter reaches the age you where when you lost your mum. I wasn't expecting that.

It is a perfectly normal phase toddlers go through. I agree your DP is an idiot for feeding into it. I would be tempted to let him do everything for her and you have a nice rest.

I was a young adult when my mum died over 30 years ago, but when your mum dies very close to Mother’s Day (2 days before, that year) it is a hard time of year even though it’s 30 plus years on. Accept that it’s going to be hard (I’ve found it tough this year), but don’t t dwell on what a three year old says. He’s just the novelty parent and they often want the novelty parent.

It’s not great that your DH can’t sit down with you and listen to you and reassure you. I wouldn’t be impressed with that, I must admit. And he needs to stop ‘coming to the rescue’.