To start dating and quickly introduce my one year old

[jaijai24]

I’m a lone parent living in London with a one year old. DS was a product of a ONS with an ex, who has not bothered to see him since he was a few weeks old and has never paid any child maintenance (CMS won’t go after him as he has ‘returned to uni’ at the grand old age of 45 so has no income…).

No family anywhere close but a great support group of friends, however all are older and childless and I’ve no offers to babysit as they (understandably) don’t want to change nappies and/or don’t feel confident with a one year old, so I’m totally reliant on paid babysitters. I’ve been out for an early dinner with friends twice in 12 months.

Ive had an amazing mat leave and am coping well with the work/nursery/life admin juggle but something is missing… I’d love to meet someone special, or at least attempt to try dating again. Yes, I know the London dating scene is brutal and for a slightly overweight, plain looking, single mum it is going to be hard to find a date - but I think I’m a lovely person with a lot to offer someone, and it’s all I think about at night and I really want to at least try.

The issue is childcare. I see loads of posts about not introducing new partners to children for six months or so but I can’t see anyway around it in my situation. If a couple of dates go well (fingers crossed!) then the guy would have to come back to mine as babysitters don’t stay overnight and my DS will be in the other bedroom. They will obviously meet in the morning if the guy stays the night, or quickly thereafter as I can’t financially sustain babysitters multiple times a week.

AIBU for even considering dating in these circumstances?? I can’t see any way around it and at the grand old age of 37 time is not on my side.

I’m sorry OP but I think you’re being ridiculous, based on what you’ve posted. Not even taking into account the likelihood your first date will not be your everlasting love.

This reminded me of an episode where the man was molesting the little boy while mom was asleep in her bedroom.

' Maybe it’s a cosmo London thing. '

Please don't patronise us, it is not a cosmo London thing. full stop.

Plenty of us live in London / have lived in London, plenty of us are parents, plenty of us are or have been single parents, Most of us are aware - aware of the pitfalls and dangers of dating, aware of the stupidity of bringing home a string of ONS's for a quick shag in the hope that this is a potential husband / father of next child

but

most of us don't do this / didn't do this !

Most of us put our children first, not our needs for cuddles / companionship / etc.

It’s not a London thing. I live in Central London, none of my friends or I have done what you are suggesting. I haven’t been on a date in 10 years, my child is 8.
wjatbyou are suggesting is wrong on many levels. I agree with you about the peadophile hysteria, of course it’s unlikely but still a small risk. But it’s morally wrong and really not good for your child.

I think this is probably the highest risk. Even if someone isn’t overtly coercive, you are probably more likely to try to avoid conflict with your child in the next room so as to avoid waking them up or upsetting them, which may mean going along with stuff you usually wouldn’t. I know I’ve been more concerned about my own safety since becoming a mother and particularly a single mother due to the impact it would have on my children if anything happened to me.

That said there’s a prevailing view on mumsnet that single mothers shouldn’t really date until their children leave home or if they do that they shouldn’t introduce their child for years etc. I don’t think that’s realistic or fair for most people. I’m not sure it’s necessarily even always in the children’s best interests for their mother to have no relationships while they’re growing up. I will be very very cautious about dating and relationships but I also can’t face 18 years with no intimacy or sex.

I don’t think this is the way to do it though OP.

Why is this giving Lost Prophet? Wise up, OP.

What kind of mother puts her wants above her child? That's exactly what you're intending to do.
What kind of man would even want to do that? Not a decent one that's for sure.
All too often we read about the so called mother's who put themselves before their kids, let a bloke into their homes, who they also put above their kids, then start playing the blame game when that child ends up being abused, or worse.
If you want sex and cuddles that much, buy a bloody dildo and a teddy bear.

Sorry OP, but your post did not show any good judgement.

You can't claim good judgement when that's simply not the case.

You're essentially saying you're going to introduce your son to men after 2 dates, which will likely result in him being the child who remembers his mum's string of boyfriends growing up, some less dodgy than others.

I agree with you about the peadophile hysteria, of course it’s unlikely but still a small risk

Look, safeguarding is put in place not because a man WILL carry out an attack but because a man MAY carry out an attack. Putting basic steps in place to prevent child abuse is not 'hysteria'. Nurseries and schools and scouts and so on have not created safeguarding processes because they are 'hysterical', but because they are sensible about reducing risk.

They acknowledge the risk is there, and put steps in place to prevent it, even if it may never happen. They are saying, it may never happen, but we need to ensure it doesn't and here is how.

This is very different from OP, who is saying this, ' this risk is small, so I don't need to do anything to prevent it happening.'

Paedophiles are not randomly distributed in the population. They gravitate to places and people that they can use to access children. Such as single mothers who allow them access to their homes and children after two dates. The over-confidence of OP ( I can spot a paedo after two dates!) and easy access to her children, that OP offers is absolutely a dream to any predatory or opportunistic man with a sexual interest in children.

Not theoretical for me, I have seen this play out in real life.

OP has left the thread.

Meanwhile none of the people minimising the risk have grasped that it is not just them taking the risk; they are exposing their children to a risk.

@Thelnebriati The op is on Hinge lining up her first date.

I'm a single mum. I get how hard it is but this thread has shocked me. Imagine caring that little about your babies welfare?

Another danger is alcohol and not knowing how someone is going to behave under the influence. I went out with someone about five or six times then he came back to mine (kids not there thankfully) but he was too drunk to drive home. He stayed the night on the settee but in the morning he couldn’t wake up as he was still drunk. I had to go and collect my dc and he wouldn’t leave. I made him a coffee and practically kicked him out but he didn’t want to go and he was still a mess. It put me right off him and I never saw him again. He did turn nasty in some messages he sent me on Facebook a few months later. In op’s scenario that type of situation could be difficult.