To start dating and quickly introduce my one year old

[jaijai24]

I’m a lone parent living in London with a one year old. DS was a product of a ONS with an ex, who has not bothered to see him since he was a few weeks old and has never paid any child maintenance (CMS won’t go after him as he has ‘returned to uni’ at the grand old age of 45 so has no income…).

No family anywhere close but a great support group of friends, however all are older and childless and I’ve no offers to babysit as they (understandably) don’t want to change nappies and/or don’t feel confident with a one year old, so I’m totally reliant on paid babysitters. I’ve been out for an early dinner with friends twice in 12 months.

Ive had an amazing mat leave and am coping well with the work/nursery/life admin juggle but something is missing… I’d love to meet someone special, or at least attempt to try dating again. Yes, I know the London dating scene is brutal and for a slightly overweight, plain looking, single mum it is going to be hard to find a date - but I think I’m a lovely person with a lot to offer someone, and it’s all I think about at night and I really want to at least try.

The issue is childcare. I see loads of posts about not introducing new partners to children for six months or so but I can’t see anyway around it in my situation. If a couple of dates go well (fingers crossed!) then the guy would have to come back to mine as babysitters don’t stay overnight and my DS will be in the other bedroom. They will obviously meet in the morning if the guy stays the night, or quickly thereafter as I can’t financially sustain babysitters multiple times a week.

AIBU for even considering dating in these circumstances?? I can’t see any way around it and at the grand old age of 37 time is not on my side.

The number of caught and punished paedophiles is a small% of population yes. But there are many more out there.

you say you could physically remove them from your home but it’s too late if they have already abused your baby. You will be sleeping, or going to the toilet….it takes a second!

a male friend was sexually abused, once, by a man in just this situation. It’s ruined his confidence and his ability to form romantic adult relationships. That person is not on the sex offenders register and walks about society to this day as it’s never been reported.

you are an absolute fool. Go on dates but any self respecting man won’t cocme to yours with your son there and a parade of men each morning is such a horrible thought so you can get sex.

hire babysitters. If you can afford it you date. If not, like I can’t, you don’t.

You can give the same message without being so horrifically rude.

’it can be hard being a single mum, this is a really bad idea because <reasons> but if you’re lonely you could try <suggestions>’

It really isn’t hard. I’d be distraught if this was my thread, the replies are horrible and some should be ashamed.

I'd be very wary to even let a man know where I lived, let alone invite him over while my child was there. If it doesn't work out now he knows where you and your child live, alone. Having a strange man(yes they're still strange men after a few dates) over to my home with my child would scare me to death. Too many bad people out there keep looking for a babysitter.

I am a normal, strong independent woman with all my faculties and good judgment

See, this ' good judgement' is really worrisome. As I said upthread, I know two child protection social workers who had paedophiles working in their team ( two separate teams, separate paedophiles) and no-one in the team had any suspicion at all their co-worker was sexually interested in children. And these were experienced child protection social workers.

Your judgement cannot spot a paedophile. Paedophiles, however, can spot likely marks.

@VickyEadieofThigh that's exactly what I did with my ex. I would leave before his kids got up in the morning. I didn't meet them until we had been dating for about 8/9 months. I'd go round after bedtime and leave early.

Men dating don't face the same risks of paedophiles being attracted to them though, do they?

Single (straight) Fathers don't need to consider this. Single mothers do.

Women aren't generally as likely to be sex offenders though, are they?

If you're talking about someone you all ready know well maybe. But a stranger no way! Until you have got to know someone, met their family and friends I wouldn't risk it.

I left it six months and that was a friend of a friend.

You could invite them to yours in an evening (once you feel comfortable to) but then they leave?

I wouldn't be overly concerned about pedophiles in this situation. She's not going to leave her child alone with him. Presumably, she has monitors in the child's room. Realistically, 90% of abusers are people children know, love, and trust.30-40% of victims are abused by a family member. 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust.

I have been in a similar position to you and it’s really hard.

Let me tell you, there are plenty of men who would come back to yours for a shag while your children are in bed. I found I was under a lot of pressure when I was online dating as men would want to meet up once and then the next date they would be asking to come to my place with a bottle of wine when they knew my dc were there (aka a shag as soon as possible.)

I spent weeks chatting online with a ‘really nice’ guy and we arranged a date. Close to the time I could not get a babysitter so I cancelled. He wanted to come to my place in a taxi and spend the night with me. He went on and on about it, getting excited about meeting for the first time. No acknowledgement of my children at all. Just desperate for a shag.

Anyway, you do want a shag so it would be best to go to their place and then go back to yours when done! Also as pps said, meet them in the daytime.

Sorry it is hard and I did give up. Only thing is, like you recognise, you get older and older and by the time you are free to go out, it’s hard to actually meet anyone. It’s slim pickings in my age group!

This is exactly my point.

OP wants to find a LTR. So her partner could be in the 90% of abusers known, loved and trusted and 50% not a family member but still known and trusted.

Look, I know someone this has happened to. This is not some abstract concept to me. This happens to ordinary women dating ordinary (so they think) men in ordinary bogstandard life.

Feeling lonely is awful yes. But feeling guilty you allowed a dodgy person into your home is worse. How could you forgive yourself? It's not worth the risk. I have seen too many bad situations that could have been prevented.
The fact she hadn't considered paedophilia is what's horrible. Hopefully this thread is a wake up call. It's not nice but it's truthful.

The fact she hadn't considered paedophilia

I agree that OPs lack of awareness increases the risk. She thinks paedophiles are very rare, she thinks her 'good judgement' will protect her child (presumably because she thinks she can spot a paedophile) and she thinks abusers conduct their abuse in such an obvious way that she will know it is happening and can simply eject the bloke.

All of these beliefs make her an easier mark for a man with a sexual interest in children.

The simple fact is that single mothers dating, who make their dates aware early on that they have children and who quickly show they are prepared to take the man back to their home the child is in, are making themselves look like an ideal candidate to pursue for any man who is interested in children. And that means she is increasing the risk to her child if she goes ahead with this.

The things is as well, you don’t have to tell a man you have a child when you meet them.

I didn’t at first. It wasn’t relevant. It didn’t matter to a man I was meeting for a coffee for the first time if I was a mother, I didn’t mention it.

I didn’t tell my now husband I had a child until we were a few dates in. And then it was a sort of “look, I am telling you now I have a child before we go any further, just incase that’s not what you want if this relationship continues, I appreciate it if you don’t want to see me again based on that.”

I get why you would tell someone, I wouldn’t have continued pursuing a relationship with a man who had children (double standards, I know, but I had my own baggage with ds dad, I didn’t want to be involved in someone else’s!)

But to disclose it on dating sites is ridiculous IMO.

Have you asked friends to babysit and they have refused?

You are not on a time pressure unless you want a baby and IMO it is better to not have a second than rush into it. It's not about you getting a baby so much as choosing a man who will stand up to being a decent dad to that baby.

It's not a tiny population of predatory men. Look back to your own youth and remember the older blokes who would look down your top, catcall, give inappropriate hugs, comments that make you uncomfortable, giving alcohol and drugs, coerced into a kiss etc. Most women have been violated in this way as a young person.

If you want to date, expand your friendship group. Meet some mums and do playdates when you're comfortable.

I know you want another baby but you need to put the one you have first and keep them safe. As your child gets older they will have more independence and you will have more freedom but for the time being, babys need come first and their right to safety, stability and a secure environment without men coming and going is more important than your need for a man and a cuddle on the sofa. Sorry X

I think that's exactly the point.

Even if it was a small population, she is more likely to be vulnerable to them by engaging in risky behaviour like introducing children earlier than a mother that doesn't. Therefore the risk is higher of attracting a dangerous man .

You are also at risk of coercive sexual behaviour or rape.

I know if I had a man in my bedroom and my child was next door and things started going wrong that I would do anything to keep my baby safe and that's an extremely vulnerable position.

I would wait another year, so that your little one is out of babyhood. He's still so young and people might be more willing to mind a 2 year old.

Oh christ yes.

You wouldn’t want them to turn violent and risk them hurting your child, you would be placating them and doing anything they wanted not to make the situation worse. It puts a woman in an incredibly vulnerable situation.

I don’t think this sort of thing is spoken about enough.

My SIL put herself and her children in really unsafe situations IMO, “falling in love” with men after a few weeks because she was lonely and moving them in with her and her young children. She wouldn’t listen to anyone, PIL and DH used to warn her about all the dangers, offer to take the children if she had to have men over but she wouldn’t listen. She wasn’t young and daft either- she was a professional in her late 30s.

She was lucky that those men were just hapless idiots who she soon tired of rather than violent, but we all used to worry so much.

What, like their mums boyfriend?

The percentage of paedophiles might seen tiny, but you know where they can usually be found? Places where they have easy access to children.

I do not deny that at 37 you want to settle down and have more children but you made a choice about a year and nine months ago, leading you to where you are right now, which means that's got to take a back seat. That's life. We make decisions and they have consequences.

Things have changed, and what you want isn't the priority any more. What's best for your child is. Putting the paedophiles aside, it's a shitty way to grow up watching the revolving door of your mums dates pass through and disappear, and grabbing a man quick to fill a vacancy before your child becomes aware of what's going on, is pretty dire criteria for starting a healthy relationship.

He could have access to the child when OP is asleep (naturally or drugged). Monitors can be unplugged. A parents boyfriend would fit the statistics you quoted as well.

If your judgement is so good then you'd know that bringing strange men into your home for a quicky has many potential dangers for your baby. Seems like your judgement is quite poor tbh.

I know signing off like that is trying to show us all how unbothered you are by the responses, but it doesn't.
It just shows that you're one of those that won't be told, and whose child will pay the price.

Yes, YABVU! And I am also a lone parent who had no childcare help. Sorry to tell you, but your life has changed and you have to live accordingly. It's the way it is.

"Distraught?" Get a grip. As a lone parent myself for 16 years OP has to get real and understand what she's facing now.

Yes, OP is basically putting herself in one of the highest risk categories for attracting a paedophile. Whilst actively denying to herself that she is doing this. Thereby making the risk higher.