To start dating and quickly introduce my one year old

[jaijai24]

I’m a lone parent living in London with a one year old. DS was a product of a ONS with an ex, who has not bothered to see him since he was a few weeks old and has never paid any child maintenance (CMS won’t go after him as he has ‘returned to uni’ at the grand old age of 45 so has no income…).

No family anywhere close but a great support group of friends, however all are older and childless and I’ve no offers to babysit as they (understandably) don’t want to change nappies and/or don’t feel confident with a one year old, so I’m totally reliant on paid babysitters. I’ve been out for an early dinner with friends twice in 12 months.

Ive had an amazing mat leave and am coping well with the work/nursery/life admin juggle but something is missing… I’d love to meet someone special, or at least attempt to try dating again. Yes, I know the London dating scene is brutal and for a slightly overweight, plain looking, single mum it is going to be hard to find a date - but I think I’m a lovely person with a lot to offer someone, and it’s all I think about at night and I really want to at least try.

The issue is childcare. I see loads of posts about not introducing new partners to children for six months or so but I can’t see anyway around it in my situation. If a couple of dates go well (fingers crossed!) then the guy would have to come back to mine as babysitters don’t stay overnight and my DS will be in the other bedroom. They will obviously meet in the morning if the guy stays the night, or quickly thereafter as I can’t financially sustain babysitters multiple times a week.

AIBU for even considering dating in these circumstances?? I can’t see any way around it and at the grand old age of 37 time is not on my side.

at the grand old age of 37 time is not on my side.

What does this mean? Are you looking for someone to have more kids with?

Just to address the child’s welfare concerns - I work in a physical security type job (won’t say exactly!) so no concerns about my ability to chuck someone out physically if needed. I’m reassured about the fact that a one year old, as opposed to say a three year old, has no sense of self yet and no ability to share and retain memories for long so I think there is a real window here (and my biological window too) to get myself out there.

For those asking, it’s a genuine post - I just don’t want to stare into the abyss of sitting on my sofa alone at night for years and miss a window to marry and hopefully have a further child. I appreciate peoples views, I really do, and just wanted to be as open as possible x

Jesus wept “won’t form an attachment”🙄

Why would you let a strange man the same house as your baby overnight... ?

Social services would have a field day with you. Great idea having a complete stranger you've basically known for a few hours, in your home as your baby unsupervised if your asleep! What could possibly go wrong? Ffs.

Of course you shouldn't do this. It's insanely irresponsible.

Does your specialist job also allow you to fight off sleep?

Unless you never sleep when these men are there, how exactly are you going to chuck someone out when they try and creep into your son's room at night?

Don't be selfish, put your kid first.

ONS with an ex from 5 years ago (should’ve put that detail in there, sorry)

I honestly think you need to build up connections with other parents who could potentially then babysit for you.

Or stick to day dates.

A decent man will understand that you don’t want them around your child for a long time. If they wanted to peruse a relationship with you, they would wait.

And I reiterate- a decent man would not want to come and spend the night when your baby is there. They will work around you, they will wait. They will see you at awkward times, my dh even paid for a babysitter for me a few times when he wanted to plan something nice.

I wouldn’t initially mention you have a child either.

It doesn't matter.
Any thoughts on the unanimous replies?

To be honest, the babysitters are also strangers from Bubble which is a London app for babysitters - vetted and insured etc. I’m comfortable and so are my Antenetal friends in using it to find babysitters so I’m comfortable I think in the same way in my ability to vet someone on a few dates in the same way. Maybe it’s a cosmo London thing. It’s the only way to go out without family close by.

its interesting everyone is going for the peodophile angle. Not one I’d considered given what a tiny percentage of the population that would be but I’ll absolutely bear that in mind, thank you

I really hope this isn’t real. Poor child if it is. 😔

Thanks, that’s helpful

I know a woman who did this. She had a baby. She got a new boyfriend. Single mum. He would come around to hers.

Then she found out he was on the sex offenders' register, for images of child sex abuse.

That explained why he was always so helpful with her baby, offering to change nappies.

Luckily for her, he was on the register or she wouldn't have known and the relationship would have continued and his access to her baby would have continued.

I have seen what is effectively a manual for paedophiles. It, unsurprisingly, directly advises paedophiles to target single mothers.

If I were to date I would tell them early on I had kids but that I was keeping that part of my life entirely separate from them and they would not meet my kids. And I would keep to that for a long, long time. Hopefully that would weed out the child abusers.

So you have magic abilities to know that a man is going into your babies room whilst you're asleep and sexually abusing them??

Hardly a tiny percentage of the population, have you not seen the recent statistics about how many men surveyed are sexually attracted to children? It's shocking. NSPCC figures show 1 in 20 kids have been sexually abused. Not to mention the other obvious risks of an unrelated male.
Is it in your child's best interests? Your love life comes second.

Maybe it’s a cosmo London thing

Oh dear. Viewing yourself as all ‘cosmo London’ doesn’t change anything. MNers are not being provincial and old fashioned in telling you this is a dreadful idea.

I think you might really need to accept that this is your life. Sitting in on your own as a single parent to a baby with no support is not the life you imagined for yourself. But it’s where you’ve found yourself regardless.

Even your it’s a ‘window of opportunity’ to somehow get yourself married and pregnant again quickly idea is incredibly naive.

''I’m reassured about the fact that a one year old, as opposed to say a three year old, has no sense of self yet and no ability to share and retain memories for long''

You haven't addressed any child welfare concerns. The biggest risk to children is oblivious parents.
And its irrelevant how tough you are. Being hard enough to throw a man out of your house won't help if you have been roofied.

I really wish people would stop with posts like this. It’s a bad idea and the OP has presumably accepted this.

But the idea that it’s something social services would be involved with is ludicrous. Social services are massively overstretched and even quite serious cases of neglect and abuse are often not dealt with.

its interesting everyone is going for the peodophile angle. Not one I’d considered given what a tiny percentage of the population that would be

This is a really dangerous mentality. Its not a tiny percentage. At least two of my friends were sexually abused as children ( certainly more but I just don't know). I have two friends who had colleagues who were convicted of child sex abuse images (both worked in children's social services and had no idea - you cannot spot these people), and the example I gave above of a single mum I know with a baby who found out her boyfriend had convictions for child sex abuse images. Oh, and a family where I live got a knock on the door from police saying their five year old daughter had been chatting online with a known paedophile who was getting her perform sexual acts for him. So not, not that rare at all.

Its not a negligible percentage, I have no doubt that internet child sex abuse images have increased the number of men interested in this, and certainly to the point of wanting to act on it, and you are in the population paedophiles are looking to target.

As a trained social worker your post terrifies me and makes me angry. You hadn't considered a random bloke could be a paedophile??????
So you could be oblivious to signs and red flags. You are a predators dream I'm afraid. Dating is not for you right now. Put your child first. Buy a vibrator.
(I have been in your position, I understand it can be lonely but you need to find babysitting you can trust and not let randoms meet your child).

OP, besides anything else, the title of your post suggests that you absolutely want to do this. As others have said, when you have a child, some things you'd otherwise prioritise for yourself – such as sex, companionship, a relationship – have to be put to one side for the time being.

But since you really want to do this, best to find the best possible way for it to work, to protect your child and their safety. If you really want to fuck somebody that much, maybe at least make sure the child is out of the house? At least do that, for their sake. Also, you wrote that you'd be able to chuck somebody put of your house if necessary. Unless they are a woman (or you have above average strength and abilities for a woman), maybe assume that you would be less strong than the person.

This is honestly your input, as a trained social worker, ‘but a vibrator’? That’s absolutely horrible. I don’t agree with the OP but some of these posts are absolutely awful. If she’s already feeling lonely this thread is hardly helping, is it?

@Springtimesunshinesun Hopefully it will help keep her child safe, which is the only important thing. OP hasn't even considered absolute basic safeguarding, which is why people are so shocked. Her desire for a boyfriend is irrelevant compared to doing the bare minimum to prioritise and safeguard her kid.

I just wanted to say thank you for the positive messages, the constructive messages and private messages in between the noise of the usual MN vitriol. Just a last one from me to say my little one is absolutely loved and I am a normal, strong independent woman with all my faculties and good judgment. Have a good sunny day everyone!