To start dating and quickly introduce my one year old

[jaijai24]

I’m a lone parent living in London with a one year old. DS was a product of a ONS with an ex, who has not bothered to see him since he was a few weeks old and has never paid any child maintenance (CMS won’t go after him as he has ‘returned to uni’ at the grand old age of 45 so has no income…).

No family anywhere close but a great support group of friends, however all are older and childless and I’ve no offers to babysit as they (understandably) don’t want to change nappies and/or don’t feel confident with a one year old, so I’m totally reliant on paid babysitters. I’ve been out for an early dinner with friends twice in 12 months.

Ive had an amazing mat leave and am coping well with the work/nursery/life admin juggle but something is missing… I’d love to meet someone special, or at least attempt to try dating again. Yes, I know the London dating scene is brutal and for a slightly overweight, plain looking, single mum it is going to be hard to find a date - but I think I’m a lovely person with a lot to offer someone, and it’s all I think about at night and I really want to at least try.

The issue is childcare. I see loads of posts about not introducing new partners to children for six months or so but I can’t see anyway around it in my situation. If a couple of dates go well (fingers crossed!) then the guy would have to come back to mine as babysitters don’t stay overnight and my DS will be in the other bedroom. They will obviously meet in the morning if the guy stays the night, or quickly thereafter as I can’t financially sustain babysitters multiple times a week.

AIBU for even considering dating in these circumstances?? I can’t see any way around it and at the grand old age of 37 time is not on my side.

You need to be upfront with any man you date from the off about having a son, but I'm not sure why you would think that after a couple of dates you would know someone well enough to let them stay the night.

Maybe I'm old fashioned!

Why would you want to do that?

I get it. I was a single parent. I met now dh when ds was 5. Dh didn’t meet him until he was 8.

I have no family. Ds father worked abroad 3-4 months at a time so couldn’t have him.

Dh was a decent guy. He understood that ds came first. He didn’t want to meet him incase we didn’t work out. A friend suggested that he came over when Ds was in bed - I didn’t feel comfortable with that and dh was actually aghast at the idea.

If you meet a decent man, he won’t care if you can’t seee him often. Dh didn’t bat an eyelid if he hadn’t seen me in a few weeks and I had to cancil as ds was sick and wanted me. He put ds first too before he’d even met him.

We mostly used to meet for a quick lunch or coffee.

I certainly wouldn’t have had dh stay in the house while ds was asleep for a long time anyway, even if we were both comfortable with that (which we weren’t).

It puts you and your child in a very vulnerable position, after a couple of dates is madness, you won’t know the man at all.

I absolutely understand what you are saying. To be honest I miss both the companionship and the physical side and would love to cuddle up next to someone. I’m hoping that as a one year old won’t form an attachment the same way as an older kid would, if I did meet someone, it would be okay to not wait too long. Obviously I wouldn’t leave the two of them alone together etc.

I don’t know if this post can be real but if it is - no decent man is going to think it’s a good idea to nip back to yours for a shag, after two dates, while your infant child sleeps across the hall. The ones who will are at best, users, and at worst, dangerous.

Your post doesn't mention your child's wellbeing.
Even at 1 have you considered that it would be confusing for him to see a man / maybe different men in the morning?
Babies understand a lot more than we think.

No No No

You do not bring strange men home on the 2nd date for a quick shag and let them stay the night !

If you can't afford babysitters - then you can't afford to date right now.

You do not introduce multiple boyfriends to your child over the years, you do not rush into a relationship just because you need babysitters.

Your X isn't an X is he, if the child is the product of a ONS.

They will obviously meet in the morning if the guy stays the night, or quickly thereafter as I can’t financially sustain babysitters multiple times a week.

Nothing wrong in wanting to date but based on what I'm told you're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince - presumably you won't be bringing back any old Tom, Dick or Harry to stay overnight.

I think for now you'll have to rely on babysitters somehow, or make friends with other mothers with an eye to shared babysitting.

You do need to recognise that telling men you have a baby son and then inviting them to stay the night is likely to attract people you really don’t want to be around your son, don’t you?

Properly getting to know someone long before having them stay over is important. You might just have to suck up the babysitting costs here.

When you had your baby as a result of the ONS with no support system around you, unfortunately part of the bargain was that your love life would inevitably suffer.

You're now staring this reality in the face. I've been a single parent, I know exactly what it's like, and it doesn't include bringing home men after two dates and shagging them in the house that your child is sleeping in, no matter how much you want a cuddle.

Time will come when it will be more possible, but you're going to have to suck it up if you want to do it right. Parenting is one long sacrifice, and single parenting even more so. This is what you've chosen, for now. Your job is to protect your child, especially from men who want to go back to a women's house where there's a sleeping baby for a fuck. Accept it, and it will be easier. It will change. Now's not the time.

So you are basically asking if it's ok to take a man back to your place who you have only been on a handful of dates with for sex whilst your 1 year son is asleep in the next room?
It's really not ok.

But would you want the sort of man that was happy to stay over after a few dates when they knew your baby was in the house?

I’m mid 40s now, so I have a few friends who are divorced/staring over. None of the men I know would be happy to do that. They also wouldn’t want a woman coming to their place while their children are in bed - I’ve had this discussion with a couple of them.

I would have run a mile if a guy had invited me to his home when he had a child in bed. I would have felt so uncomfortable with that.

did you make any friends with other mums on mat leave? There are usually Saturday classes for children if you are working that you can try and make friends with other parents at and maybe you can share babysitting, in time. I’ve met some people through my youngest, I’d be happy to babysit their children in your circumstance.

I can understand you wanting to get back to dating again and how difficult child care is when you don't have anyone, but I really don't like the sound of what you are suggesting.

It's all very well saying you'd be careful, and not leave them alone together, etc, but the reality is, even with the best of intentions, you'd have a strange man in the house with you and your son and you can't 100% say that it's safe.

Re your update, a one year old is much more aware than you think, and as he grows, as you know, he'll become even more aware.

You say your friends have never offered to babysit, have you ever asked them? Maybe they would say yes and don't ask because they don't realise you might want some time off. If you ask and they say no, fair enough, but could be worth a try. Either way, I'd not be bringing any man home with your son around, especially after only a couple of dates. You need to take things much more slowly when you meet someone, for your own sake as well as your child.

It would be incredibly unsafe to bring men you don't know into your house with your baby there.

I get the challenges of dating as a single parent, I really do but it's insanity.

I would focus on building your network around you. Meet some friends with kids and find trusted baby sitters.

I would absolutely babysit overnight for a single parent friend to date and have done.

But you cannot have men you have just met coming round and spending the night.

No.

You don't your one year old child in a possibly dangerous situation because you need a man and to get laid.

For Christ sake it has only been a year.

Is it a crap situation ... yes. Suck it up and put your childs safety in front of your wants.

The single most dangerous thing a woman can do is bring a unrelated male into a house with Children.

There's no reason for him to meet your kid. If you want him to come back to yours he can leave before your child is up in the morning.

Please don't encourage her to take these risks.

Just to spell it out - paedophiles sometimes target single mums on dating sites. You're vulnerable to that and to general abusive/nasty fuckturds. You need to have high standards and go slowly, basically vet the shit out of a man through lots of dating before you let him anywhere near your domestic life.

It's easy as a single mum to be kind of pathetically grateful for the company and attention, but if anything your standards need to be higher, not lower, than someone without children.

Ok, in an ideal world you meet someone lovely straight off, after a few dates he comes back and finds your child delightful, ten years later you're all a happy family.

More likely scenario is you date 10+ people over a year, a night or two and then they ghost you or do something off, you're a little heartbroken, your kid meets a few and gets used to men coming and going and associates it with you being upset - you see? Take it slowly and don't bring them into your home before you're confident it's probably going to last.

Babysitting - there are apps you can use for paid sitters. You could bring someone home in the daytime if DC goes to childcare. You could ask a friend to babysit. You could find another single mum nearby and work out a system of sleepovers for the kids.

Take a safeguarding course, and learn about how predators groom parents before you take any risks with your child's safety.

Hey Op I sympathise.

do you not have any friends with kids? who could get into a babysitting circle with you - I am always willing to babysit for friends (you could take your 1 yr old with you when you do it)

are you not meeting parents thru nursery/ playgrounds/ your neighbours?

Could you chat to neighbours who have children and just be open you are looking for known babysitters in particular swaps to save money

Local teenagers to me charge low rates for babysitting too

Sorry, couldn't get past this

DS was a product of a ONS with an ex

What a vile way to describe your child.

He's a human. Not a product.

I think this would be very risky. Fair enough if you used to do ONS and take the risk for yourself, but with a baby in the house you would be mad. (I also wonder if this is real.)

Of course you can date, if you can find a babysitter. Have you asked your nursery if any of their staff do babysitting? But having random men back to your house on a regular basis would not be safe or healthy for your baby to be around.

This cannot be real

There are people who do this, all the time, with much younger babies, multiple children who don’t even question it. Christ, I’ve met people with children who have moved people in (multiple men/women over the years), after just a few weeks of knowing them, my own SIL did that 3 bloody times.

This

You'd need to have phenomenally high standards before letting any man near you, as you're vulnerable to men who want to prey on lone mothers and/or your baby. The greatest risk to a child is an unrelated male, so it would show zero safeguarding for you to bring some guy in to your kids home.
The only reason your baby should be around a bloke at all is if it is in the baby's best interests. Would that be the case?