Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

My DM one Christmas Day evening.

I was 6 weeks postpartum, had PND, and had an over-tired, hyper 2 year old having tantrums at the drop of a hat.

I had spent all day trying to “act normal”, juggle kids, presents, Christmas lunch and host my parents. It was all too much so I took myself off to my room for half an hour after I’d put the kids down for a little cry and lay down.

Anyway, DM marches into my room and hisses at me that “no wonder my children are a nightmare with a miserable mother like me” and walks out again.

My relationship with my DM has never recovered from that little comment she made and it comes back to me every time my kids play up, even now that they are teens.

@Woodenflooring well that was healing to read, thank you!

Definitely just a teenage boy repeating something he had heard on tv or his older brother like you said.

Things that are said to you as a teenager have such a lasting effect. If someone said that to me now I'd laugh in their face!

Yup. I had a similar thing at school once - we were weighing each other for a maths project (calculating averages etc - I can't picture modern schoolkids being allowed to weigh each other!) and there was much commentary on my being heavier than the other kids in the group. I was also much taller than any of them, and my best friend was naturally very skinny... I remember feeling wildly defensive - and we were only eight! I can't remember if the teacher shut it down, only how embarrassed I was.

You would be so much prettier if you got your teeth fixed. It gave me a complex for so long I braces in the end. Love my teeth now though. I’d love to bump into him one day!

What a weirdo. Definitely he’s the one with a problem. It frightens me what awful people can get into positions of power and influence.

In year 7 another girl loudly said I had no tits and the whole class laughed. I was bloody 11/12 years old.
A couple years later a boy in my year was obsessed with my acne and convinced I didn't wash my face and told me to buy clearasil etc... When I told him I had tried lots of products he said "well then maybe you're doing too much" as if he was some kind of 14 year old dermatology expert. A friend of mine then 'went out' with him which made me feel a bit betrayed as he'd been so horrible to me.

Clearly puberty wasn't kind to me but I now have breasts and the acne has calmed down.

@Cantrushart "You have big googly frog eyes, maybe they'll fall out of your head."

You literally cannot please mean people. They will find something to be horrible about no matter what features you have. (I do have big round eyes. Can't wear eyeliner because I look like a cartoon character. But they're just my eyes... they work well...)

School photos circa 1973 - I was 8. Photos taken and a few weeks later we take them home to our parents. My mum opens mine and gasps!!! There I am looking more cross eyed than the lion from Daktari (if you know, you know), I literally had chip shop eyes (one eye watching the queue and the other watching the fryer). Where were your glasses? Mum asks. I informed her that the man taking the photo said ‘take your glasses off love, you’ll look prettier’.
My teacher had also encouraged it.

She was not happy. She actually had a strong word with my teacher along the lines of ‘she wears glasses, don’t ever make her feel inferior or ugly because of it’.

She was great my mum, but I hated wearing glasses after that, I’ve always felt they’ve made me unattractive.

I’ve had loads of horrible comments about my looks and weight over the years, some from loved ones and some from strangers.
One that I remember was leaving off from Sixth Form and a couple of the High School boys walked past me and asked if I was (random lad’s name’s) sister. I said no and they replied “because you’re as ugly as him”. Nasty little shits. It’s a shame as I was low in confidence so could never bring myself to say something back.

I have another one that isn't actually a comment but I'll never forget it. I had a years probation in a new job. My manager who I'd seemed to get on well with at first, took a sudden dislike to me mid way through (no idea what I did wrong).

She set me up to fail, so one example was she asked me to send her all my reports to counter sign. When we had the meeting whereby they were saying they were letting me go. She cited one of the reasons as being that I always sent her my reports to counter sign. I said to her in front of everyone "but you told me to do that" she looked at me with a smug grin on her face and shrugged! In front of everyone! No one said a word! They were more similar examples but basically she set me up. But as I was employed for under a year, nothing I could do.

I did have the last laugh though by getting a much better job after which I'm still in now. And I have a lovely manager who values me.

Two slightly older male classmates, sitting behind me on a school bus trip: "the trouble with Sirens is, she hasn't got any tits." I was 10, FFS.

A colleague at my first job: "you've definitely got a figure for trousers". I was wearing a dress that day.

A mate of a friend's then-boyfriend: "you're younger than me, why have you got a double chin?" I didn't have a double chin (I was in my early 20s and slim). I do have a weird and unattractive jaw profile, so thanks for making me even more self-conscious about it.

I've had other thoughtless / nasty comments over the years - some even harsher, possibly - but I've always managed to come up with a snarky comeback for most of them and I think that's why they didn't hurt as much as these ones that just left me gaping like a fish or caught on the hop.

In a department store, aged 10, trying on an outfit to wear to my aunt's wedding with my mum and dad. My dad was clearly in a bad mood (about what is was this time, I have no idea) so when my mum asked him what he thought he said: fucking ugly. Not sure what makes someone be so horrible to their own child but I don't speak to him now...

Brilliantly articulated response!!

🥺 wow. What a horrible man.

Was on holiday staying at my cousins house. Her Italian boyfriend said something for her to translate to me. She translated “ you would be pretty if you just fixed your skin”. Why would he say that and why would she translate that. I had a couple of spots at the time but not full blown acne… it has stayed with me ever since hence my obsession with skincare..

2 months after the birth of DC1 who was not sleeping well and I was struggling a bit as knackered. Glamorous friend of DMs (with no filter) shows up at her house when I'm round there, and DFr looks me up and down and says "Are you pregnant again - so soon!?" with an arched eyebrow. No, I was just struggling to lose the 10 pounds I'd put on whilst pregnant and was wearing a baggy top so I could feed DD comfortably.

When DM took her aside to explain I wasn't pregnant again, was a normal BF mum and friend ought to apologise friend responded with "Well, she looks fat!" DM showed her out pronto and I sobbed. Made every effort to avoid her after that!

If I'd been less tired and more assertive I've told her go Foff!

My father (highly abusive) said when I was 10 that I would never have any friends ever as I was total and utter liar and the reason I complained about my elder sister (also highly abusive) was because I was a jealous bitch. That haunted me.

When I was 16 he told me my own children would be little fuckers and ignorant and when I said I wasn’t going to have any children he told me ‘you won’t be able to keep your legs shut long enough, that’s all you want is a good fucking’ and actually I didn’t have a boyfriend until 21 and was terrified of sex and men until gone 25 because of him.

At 30 he told me in public that I was a stupid bitch again regularly between the ages of 30-45 and I went NC - he regards himself to be a feminist by the way and pro women and used to work very high up in government.

I had to turn a guy down who asked me to attend his prom with him, because I had agreed to go to a prom with someone else from a different school on the same evening. We weren’t dating, just good friends. I did know he was in to me at the time but nothing ever happened.
So, one weekend I get a voicemail from this guy who is very drunk giving me a piece of his mind. He said some really horrible things, one of which was “you’re not even that good looking”.
I never spoke to him again. As an adult I’ve seen him, he has tried to smile at me and I always turn away. His words cut deep.

He also makes money out of people's insecurities.

@Abeona

God, how bloody awful.

It's almost worth a sentence for assault, isn't it. You'd have got over it more quickly if he'd have slapped you.

How full of poison some people are 💕

When I was a teenager my mum told me her friend had said i would be beautiful if i lost weight! Ive never forgotten it.

My mother. Said many nasty things in the 16 years I was forced to tolerate her.

The one that sticks?
Oh this is my daughter (half sisters name), grammar student, so popular, such a doll! And this is WillimNot, my other daughter".

Silence. Nothing else. Just the "other" daughter.

Fucking bitch. She knew what she was doing, painting me as the useless one, the one not worth mentioning. It's led to huge self esteem issues and a lack of confidence for decades.

Same. And my mother, who fat shamed me, also did everything she could to undermine my attempts to lose weight because she liked feeding people.

My father was morbidly obese (like me) but any time he'd lost a few pounds - which he always put back on again - he'd tell me I should do the same. He reduced me to tears, at the age of 35, by making a snide comment about my weight when we were abroad on holiday. Three days later, I did the bravest thing I ever did: I got out of a swimming pool in my costume, in front of him.

My brother also made a few passive aggressive comments last time I saw him.

And they wondered why I was LC with them.

Haha yes. My mum has a tendency to speak without thinking but there's no malice there, just thoughtlessness/lack of social awareness and quite a bit of projection of her own low self esteem/confidence etc onto her kids. Therapy has helped!

A guy at work once said ‘PostIt is the kind of girl you fuck because she’s sexy, but she’s not the kind of girl you marry’.