Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

I was playing with some girls from the block and one of them had a minder waiting for her, they were 4 brothers and sisters. We were all talking to this minder when she looked straight at the middle sister and said "of course your sister is much more goodlooking than you, you aren´t good looking", I was around 10, and just looked at her and thought she was a nasty bitch. She was negging. This girl was a goodlooker. The poor girl was so hurt. She was around 8.

When I was a young teenager, about 14, an older 'cool' boy said "hello dreamboat" to my friend then said "hello shipwreck" to me!

It doesn't actually hurt my feelings now, but it gives me a weird feeling when I remember how embarrassed and hurt I felt at the time.

Now I suspect he only said it because he was trying to be funny but teenage me was mortified. Also he was a goon.

A boy at school that i fancied called me a 'dog's dinner' and all his mates roared with laughter. I still remember burning with shame and wanting the ground to swallow me up. 30 odd years after i still think about it sometimes and feel tears springing up into my eyes. I know we were kids but i really wish people were a bit kinder to each other.

A more light-hearted one, staying at my in laws’s holiday house once when I was about 30 (they were supposed to come too but MiL was unexpectedly very ill). We were there for 2 weeks so their regular cleaner came at some point and remarked she was surprised at how tidy it was as FiL had told her we were “messy buggers”. I wanted the ground to swallow me up but was also mystified because our flat was perfectly tidy! DH was probably more messy when he a single man in his 20s but never that bad. I still think about this regularly and it still pisses me off 🤣

“Nobody’s going to love you with your patchwork skin”. Thanks mum

A throwaway comment to me aged 14. The comment scarred me more than the chronic (and still present) eczema scarring ever could

14 years later I challenged her to acknowledge what she said. Initially she denied it but I told her I was not given to making up shit like that and if she continued her denial, I’d never speak to her again. She knew it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

That taught me immediately never to judge anyone based on their looks

Only one stand out one for me

I was 8, at primary school and one of the boys (one of the two most popular boys in our class) said to me ‘Helfs, you’d be pretty if you had a smaller nose’

Its stayed with me to this day, I hate my nose, saved up for years for a nose job until meeting DH who loves me just the way I am (but deep down I still hate my nose and how large it is compared to the rest of my face)

Someone once asked my ex partner why he would want to be with me when he could be with someone better looking/ with a better body.

His response was that looks aren't everything and there were lots of things he valued about our relationship that weren't about looks or my body.

(Hence basically agreeing that I was not good looking).

He thought it was a romantic/ chivalrous thing to say and proudly reported it back to me afterwards.

He's an ex partner for a reason!

"had you been trying to get pregnant?" . My previous manager. After he knew about a MC and ectopic.

I can be cutting when the need arises, and would say something like, “it is sad I agree but at least there will never be a grandchild that’s anything like you” <head tilt>

Harsh, but fair I think

It was when the Harry Potter movies had started coming out so I must have been 11 - 13 at the time. A boy (who was a nasty little shite anyway) turned to me on the playground and said "you'd look just like Hermione Granger if your teeth weren't so yellow". Over 20 years later and it's still stuck with me!

I can remember when I was young I was told “Sticks and stones will break your bones names will never hurt you “ I disagree bones mend, names hurt for ever!

I’m a twin & I’ll never forgot one of the other girls at school making a comment that I was a lot more ‘shapely’ than my sister

I have eyes, obviously I knew I was bigger but I still can’t believe someone would say that !

lol my DH says this sometimes when I’m having one my I’m too ugly to leave the house days! It’s not all about looks is not something. To say to one one feeling down about their looks! Just makes me feel worse ! I remember he once said it after I saw a picture of his (model who spends a lot and has a lot of time to spend on her looks) and said she was prettier than me. Dug himself a big hole and I said back “I don’t care about having a good personality or you liking me more! I want to be the most beautiful!” He does tell me I’m the most beautiful now but I think it might be under duress so I can’t believe it 😂

@SoOutingWhoCares Sure you did 🙄

Really?

As a twin I sympathise and don’t understand why the general population think it’s okay to compare twins against each other! You wouldn’t just stand there and compare two friends.

My gran aunt who is not one to hold back her words told me I should quit smoking, then decided on second thought I shouldn't while 'trying to shift the weight' I wasn't on a diet and not over weight either. My gran and her were very beautiful younger women though, she still is a very beautiful lady today (if a bit sharp!)

Funny I've quit smoking now and am over weight - don't think the two are related tho!

Yeah, it's pretty thoughtless. It's not reassuring to be told you have a good personality when what you want in a partner is someone who thinks you are physically beautiful.

If you're feeling too ugly to leave the house then your partner should be reassuring you that they think you are the most beautiful person in the world.

This stuff is basic, surely?!

I've already explained and answered this question upthread.

Yes, really. I filed my teeth down to a more "acceptable length". Yes it was batshit. Yes I'm lucky it didn't cause lasting harm. No I wouldn't recommend it but I was filled with self hate thanks to that nasty woman.

From a so called best friend who I hadn't seen for a year, the first thing she said after getting off her train was:

"God, haven't you got big"

And when she was drunk in a group of her friends, this was after I'd lost weight: "You're so boring" but also loudly: "I hate Oome, she's lost loads of weight and she's also pretty"

Also made loads of comments on my "fangs" and "cow eyes" over the years, especially when we were at school as teenagers.

Needless to say, we haven't seen each other for years.

Couple of clangers from my dad. “Don’t let her have any more cake, she’s getting fat”. I was 11. It was pre growth spurt weight. I’ve had a complex about my size ever since.

Then, aged 13 he said to me “let’s face it, your brother’s the musical one”. My brother and I both had music lessons, he was several older than me and therefore at the time was better. He was in school ensembles then studied it at uni and was professional for a while, and remains a fantastic musician. I played in school, county and then national ensembles. I got a place at specialist music school and unconditional offers to conservatoires in London. Dad came to see that he was wrong but of course denies he ever said anything negative! (Love him really in spite of his knobbish remarks!)

I noticed while sitting at her desk discussing temp roles that a recruitment consultant at a well known national recruitment agency had written in the notes section on my candidate file "FAT" and had also drawn a circle with the letter F inside it.

With hindsight I should have called her out on it and left but being in my mid 20s and something of a soft touch back then, I didn't.

Is it? If my husband said he thought I was the most beautiful person in the world I’d assume he was taking the piss.

For those who don't believe me. My two "horse like" front teeth 20 years ago vs now, post diy nail file madness.

I think I must have been around 7 or 8 at the time, and I'd done something wrong, which had caused my mum and dad to argue in the kitchen. I crept halfway down the stairs to earwig and heard my dad saying "she'll have to go to a children's home. I can't cope with her behaviour". (I never did).
That hurt.