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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to not want DS to go 'on holiday' to MIL & FIL for a week on his own...

88 replies

calsworld · 25/03/2008 21:56

..he's 16 months old, nearly.

Really, really stuck on this one and not sure what to make of it, they keep dropping hints and have asked DH about it but so far we've avoided giving an answer. DH is with me on not wanting him to go but think he's nervous of telling his folks.

I know they'll look after him in that he'll be safe - but it surely its too much to have him for such a long period? He gets a bit tetchy after a long day at nursery!

To give some perspective, we live 2.5 hours away, not five mins down the road so can't turn up in a hurry either.

And to get the selfish side out - I'll miss him terribly!

So what do you reckon. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
littleducks · 25/03/2008 21:57

could they have him for a day instead?

AbbeyA · 25/03/2008 21:57

Why not start with a weekend?

hotbot · 25/03/2008 21:59

nope yaNbu,, tell them no.....
i would miss dd far too much to allow this, anf tbh my ma and pa wouldnt even ask and as for the ils who gives a stuff, can you tell i have 18mth pfb?

theUrbanDryegg · 25/03/2008 22:00

YANBU - i wouldn't do it. 16 months is too little to be away from home for a week.

TenaciousG · 25/03/2008 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pennytee · 25/03/2008 22:01

I totally understand. Wouldn't have felt easy about DD being away from us for that long. She's 22 months and I would miss her for a week but if anyone wants to take her for a weekend that's fine by me . . Any takers???

RosaIsRed · 25/03/2008 22:01

Too young for a whole week so far away IMO.

Kindersurprise · 25/03/2008 22:02

He is still quite young to go away for a week. Would they be ok with one night to begin with?

My DD was about that age when I first left her for a night with my Mum, but would not have wanted her to be away longer than that.

At the end of the day, you are his mum and if you are not comfortable with him being away then you have to be honest and say that it is too soon for you.

Cathpot · 25/03/2008 22:03

I would feel the same, my eldest is 3 and I still wouldnt leave her for a whole week, too long for her or me!. I think you could just say something like, what a lovely offer, so kind of you but I am just not ready to leave him for a week, I would miss him too much. Make sure they know its not anything to do with how you feel he would be cared for and promise to take them up on it when he is older.

ChasingSquirrels · 25/03/2008 22:04

my ds1 went to my inlaws last year, for the first time, when he was 4.5y. He went for one night only. There is no way I would have even entertained the thought of him going for a week at 16mo. He had spent the night at my parents (15 mins away, inlaws are 1.5/2hrs) since he was about 2.5y. But we drop him and stay for tea and then pick him up by 11am.
I am separating from my H and obviously the kids will spend nights with him, but atm I would be seriously unhappy about even him having them for a week (though I know this will come, especially as ds2 gets older).

Kindersurprise · 25/03/2008 22:04

Forgot to add, the longest we have left our DCs (DD almost 6yo and DS 3.7yo) is 4 nights and that was last year for our 10th wedding anniversary.

A week is too long at that age, imo.

Waswondering · 25/03/2008 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
calsworld · 25/03/2008 22:06

They come and visit for a day and we go there for weekends, we've just spent the easter break there. Its quite clear that they want him without us around. I make a huge effort when I'm there to stay out of the way so that they can play and really engage.

Most of the time I take myself off and read books or sit in the bath, I really miss him when we go there coz I get NO time with him whatsoever. Its all done under the guise of me having a rest... 'You go sit down mummy, we'll look after DS'. Sometimes he comes looking for me and they come and take him away - don't get me wrong, they do it in a nice way - they make him laugh and he has barrels of fun...I just think he's a baby.

Have to be honest, I'm not sure about a weekend either. I think starting with a day would probably be the best approach for me...but I'm really interested to know what age you think its OK for DS?

At what age would you let yours go for a whole week...MIL will keep asking until she gets an answer. (She did ask before he was born if they would be able to have him for a holidays, and I said yes, but I imagined him being significantly older!).

And yes, in case anyone hadn't guessed, he's my one and only PFB .

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 25/03/2008 22:07

IMO 16m is too young to spend a week away from M&D unless it is truly necessary. Overnight, maybe, but not longer.

And I'm not talkin abut PFBs here ( hotbot) - I have three, used to live very near my parents, and took advantage of them for overnighters. But my LOs saw my parents several times a week at that age, and they were all used to each other, so I had no problem with them for o/night.

My eldest went 'on holiday' to my sister from the age of about 3.5y.

BecauseImWorthIt · 25/03/2008 22:08

Can't you all go on holiday together?

It's very kind of your PILs to offer, but I do think it's too soon/your ds is too young.

PrettyCandles · 25/03/2008 22:09

Whoops, hit post somehow.

My eldest went on holiday to my sister from teh age of about 3.5y, for one or two nights at a time. My second one is 5, but she didn't want to stay the nigth away at my sister's.

ChasingSquirrels · 25/03/2008 22:09

completely depends on the child as to what age, having let ds1 got for a night at 4.5y I would then have been happier for him to go for longer (although 2/4 days not a week yet), but they haven't really suggested it, and now he is at school it is more difficult.

minorityrules · 25/03/2008 22:10

Why don't you start slowly, let them have him one night and you two hole up in a nearby hotel and have a very nice night

I think it is important to have some time away from children, as I got taken into hospital when one of mine were little and they had an awful time as they were too reliant on me

A night or two off would be really nice, by the time he is 5/6/7 you could have a regular me/us time sorted

littleducks · 25/03/2008 22:12

If you go and stay there, could you not arrive fri night, have lie in sat and let them take him out or you go out for the day, spend sun morn all together then go home i the afternoon?

YANBU but be careful, you will want babysitting at some point as he grows so keep them sweet!

Kindersurprise · 25/03/2008 22:14

I am thinking about perhaps sending my DCs to my parents next summer for a week's holiday. We live in Germany so it is a lot further away. DD will be 7 then and DS 5yo.

I might consider them staying a week with MIL the end of this year, but tbh I don't think that MIL would cope with a whole week.

I know it is hard to let go but don't let them make you feel that you are being unreasonable. You are not.

Jojay · 25/03/2008 22:17

Agree that a week is too long at this age.

Not sure when it becomes ok really - I guess you have to judge the situation at the time. Don't make any promises that you might not want to keep either - don't say
'Once he's school age it'll be fine' - it might not!

My DS is the same age as yours - I've left him witht he in laws once overnight when he was 9 months, so DH and i could go to a wedding. TBH it was easier then, as he was less clingy, and I don't think I'd do it now.

Also, DH took him to Scotland for a week when he was 11 months and I couldn't get the time off work. They were fine, though I think DH found it hard work, but it nearly killed me!

I had to go to my God daughter's birthday party without them, and everyone kept asking
'Where's BabyJay?' I thought I was going to cry every time anyone said it!!!!

So don't do what you're not comfortable with, but don't imply that you don't trust them, just make out you're being an overprotective mummy or whatever!!

Saying that, I think it would be a lovely gesture for them to have him for a day alone, to begin with, and a great opportunity for him to get to know his grand parents - you never know when you mihgt need them!

Flibbertyjibbet · 25/03/2008 22:21

16m is far too young to be away for a week. When I had ds2 by csection, ds1 was 16m and for the first two weeks I was home he stayed at my parents (20mins away) for two nights as I just couldn't manage him the nights dp was away. The following week we went over to see gps just for a social visit and ds1 was screaming and crying and wouldn't go in the house!
This being the house of gps that had looked after him (at their house) one full day a week while I was back at work, spent umpteen visits there etc and he loves them to bits. But two x two nights was just too much for him.
Now he is 3 we are going to start introducing him gradually with 1 night stays once a month at first and gradually build up. Followed by ds2 in the same gradual way.

pruners · 25/03/2008 22:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster
calsworld · 25/03/2008 22:25

We arrive fri night - they get him up in the morning and play with him, get him dressed, give him breakfast, play with him, give him lunch.....and so on till bedtime. At bedtime, DH steps in and does normal bedtime routine otherwise he'd never go to sleep.

I sat in the bath for 2 hours on Sunday to make sure they felt I was completely out of the way. The rest of the time I read magazines in the lounge while they play in the conservatory or garden - she buys the mags especially to keep me out of the way distract me. They live in the countryside and they take him out for walks without me each day.

I think I'm quite generous with him and try not to interfere. He loves them very much and they are both brilliant with him, especially FIL.

My question was rather about the age that you would expect a child to be emotionally ready to stay away for a holiday, not just in an emergency situation??

OP posts:
bozza · 25/03/2008 22:26

If you are not happy don't do it. Simple as. I think everyone has their own limits that they feel comfortable with - regarding how long at what age etc.

I would certainly not have done it at that age. I would contemplate it for DS who is 7 but would not dream of it even now for DD who is nearly 4. Although they have been going to parents and ILs since they were 1 but only overnight. We are going away for our 10th anniversary in May and we will be away for 2 nights which will be the first time we have done that.

Of course, some people would be very happy to leave a toddler for a week with a trusted grandparent and I respect that - just doesn't sound like you are one of those people.