..to not want DS to go 'on holiday' to MIL & FIL for a week on his own...

[calsworld]

..he's 16 months old, nearly.

Really, really stuck on this one and not sure what to make of it, they keep dropping hints and have asked DH about it but so far we've avoided giving an answer. DH is with me on not wanting him to go but think he's nervous of telling his folks.

I know they'll look after him in that he'll be safe - but it surely its too much to have him for such a long period? He gets a bit tetchy after a long day at nursery!

To give some perspective, we live 2.5 hours away, not five mins down the road so can't turn up in a hurry either.

And to get the selfish side out - I'll miss him terribly!

So what do you reckon. Am I being unreasonable?

my 4 year old ds is staying with the ILs for a week this summer.
His baby sister (18 months) isn't because I feel she is still too young and also too much work for them.

Lol at Lizziemum's 'speaking from personnel experience'

I know you have had great advice on here so far, we haven't left the boys for more than a couple of nights so far and DS1 is nearly 4!!!

When we did leave him for the first time it was at our house where I could be certain that he was in the surroundings he was happy with. Grandparents came here and we went away overnight. had a lovely dinner fell into bed full nights sleep... came back intime for lunch.

we have extended it little by little and then to grandparents houses.

You are the parents- you decide - they may want it bit he isn't their child he is yours.

the most recent time we left DS's with grandparents for 2 nights and since then they have not questioned what I do all day nor questioned the general level of tiredness with DH and I... I quote"they really are non stop arent they!" Yup

anyway good luck what ever you choose to do.

oh yes should have said the ILs have stayed here and had both kids for a night before
The first time that happened was when dd was 6 months old and we went to a wedding
It all went fine

I have never left my dd 24 months even overnight (dd2 was a home birth). I probably would leave her overnight, but she can get very clingy and upset if out of routine and I would worry. A week would be a bit too much for both of us and you sound the same.

my ds is two and i could not leave him for a day! How sad is that!

I second the start with a weekend and see.

My mum would have my DS1 who is 5 for a week, but I won't let her till he can swim as they have open water at the end of their garden - and I mean a creek/river type affair - not a pond. My MIL is keen that I send my DS's on a plane on their own from Australia to Germany asap - DS1 5 and DS2 2.5 - Somehow I don't think that is going to be happening for a very very very long time. But she saw some other children doing it so ...

how well does he know them? If he knows them really well then I'd suggest starting (as some have said) with an overnighter. I left my DS at about 16 months overnight with my mum for the first time and rushed over to hers at 8am in the morning as I could take it anymore.

Are you working? If so then just say that you see less of him now that you are working and wouldn't be happy not to see him for such a long time but suggest an overnight stay instead.

If he really doesn;t know them well then they need to come and saty with you a bot (and vice versa) until you're confident that he'll settle down well with them.

Having an extended family who want to be a part of your DS's life is such a blessing so I'd try not to make it a flat refusal.

Wow, I'm glad that some other people have posted that it's not an automatically Bad Thing. I was starting to feel very callous! For what it's worth, my DD is the same age as your DS and always has a fantastic time with her GPs. My Mum told me that the last time that she visited she saw our photos up and said "mummy" and "daddy", and she was worried that DD would become very upset. But the next thing that she said was "toys", and carried on playing quite happily. I'm sure that we miss her much more than she misses us (which appears to be not at all!). Like I said though, I would feel that a week was too long a time and would be throwing him in at the deep end. An overnight or weekend would be much better. To be honest, we are much more enthusiastic about parenting afterwards, because we aren't so blumming tired.

Apologies if someone has already suggested this, I am at work and couldn't blag reading the whole thread, but how about you let them have him for a night, you and DH book in to a nearby hotel so that you are not far away if needed, and then have a lovely bit of mummy and daddy time. We did this when our DS was about the same age and it was wonderful!

I don't see the problem with leaving a child of that age with GPs for a night or two.

but, if you don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it. simple.

He is way too young for a whole week. Overnight OK, but only if you're happy with the idea.

mine are 8 and 6, and they would find it hard to be away from us for a week in unfamilliar sourroundings

Can a gransnetter join in. I thinkl 16m is to young to be away from parents for a week. I know your PIL are desperate to have him so why not try 1 night to start with or alternatively all go away together. That way they can have fun with their grandchild but not have full responsibility. You can also have a little break to go shopping or sightseeing while they play with their grandchild.

YANBU, 16 mos is much to young. Had this with my MIL, even though they live 4 hours drive away. Actually we never did this and when D1 was old enough to express an opinion he didn't want to go. DS2 would have been happy to, but now the ILs are too ill/ old to cope anyway. The suggestion of staying in a hotel nearby sounds a good compromise (when he is older)we never thought of that!!

What I would do would be to invite them up to your house for a weekend to look after him for you - that way at least you know that he has got lots of 'normal' things around him and plenty for them to play with him with. I wouldn't stay in the house though - make the most of it and allow them some time with your ds when you're not in the house - spend the day out with your dh - or even find a nice hotel relatively close by and have a night off and let MiL see what its like looking after him 24/7.

I would not have left ds at that age for a week - partly as I was still bf - but also as I would have missed him and he would have missed me.

If you feel up to it, you might allow yourself a night off though

'Tis funny reading this as I have just waved off my dd12 and ds8 for a few days with their grandparents.

I think 16mo way too young, but had similar requests from both sets of grandparents too.

At that age, a set of grandparents would come down for a couple of days whilst we worked, which was OK. DD was v.easy at that age, would not have done that with ds who was v. clingy.

When dd aged 5 she went to stay 2 nights originally (both gps live 100 miles away), building up to a week by age of 7, when ds joined her. There were a few tears at night in early days. Discovered that for us and for getting older g/parents, optimum time away is 5 nights.

YANBU at all and I wouldn't let mine go. Wouldn't feel right, too young and would miss. MIL asked to take DD abroad when she was about 12 months old we said no and she said we were denying her a holiday! (didn't offer for us to go instead of her so she too was denying the holiday in effect) MIL hates me anyway for stealing her son so our relationship is strained, we 'get on' and are civil and she sees the kids etc but I wouldn't let the kids go stay till they are teenagers (she lives a very long way away anyway). I think going for tea etc or maybe over one night is more than enough till much older.

purpleduck - why would a grandparent's house be unfamiliar surroundings?
What will you do about school trips?

Too young and too long. Ds1 (5.5) had his first sleepover recently (1 night, 10mins away) and I missed him ALOT.

jellybeans - I think that yours is a very specific situation though, considering that you have a very difficult relationship with your ILs and perhaps wouldn't be able to trust them to act according to your wishes.
I think that taking DGC abroad is also very extreme; I wouldn't be happy with a family member doing that, even though I let DD stay with her GPs without a worry.

Bumperlicious, I did suggest,as others have done, that she start with maybe an overnight stay or, a couple of days, which would be a compromise.
I agree with Kew, Op should be very grateful that GP take an interest in her child. Many don't.
But clearly , Op has a problem with her In laws.
"Most of the time I take myself off and read books or sit in the bath, I really miss him when we go there coz I get NO time with him whatsoever. Its all done under the guise of me having a rest... 'You go sit down mummy, we'll look after DS'. Sometimes he comes looking for me and they come and take him away - don't get me wrong, they do it in a nice way - they make him laugh and he has barrels of fun...I just think he's a baby."
"I sat in the bath for 2 hours on Sunday to make sure they felt I was completely out of the way. The rest of the time I read magazines in the lounge while they play in the conservatory or garden - she buys the mags especially to keep me out of the way distract me. They live in the countryside and they take him out for walks without me each day."
She can not enjoy her inlaws looking after her child, and sees it as a personal thing.
Maybe, her inlaws have treated her very badly in the past. She clearly feels unhappy, about what would seem normal, i.e for a Gp to play and entertain a child, for a short period of time, whilst mum has a bath. Many woman would love this. But she does not, so we can only guess/suggest, that there are very deep issues here.Maybe mum, needs to address these, before she can be comfortable, with Gp's having ANY SORT of relationship with her child.
And note, "Her child", being the operative word here.

See oblomov I don't read it that way at all. I just read that as the OP indicating that the GP's get to spend plenty of alone time with him even when she is around. Also if the OP works all week (don't know if she does) she probably want to spend time with him herself at the weekends.

I just thought calling everyone precious who hasn't left their DCs yet was a bit unfair, especially the op, hers is still a baby!

I have no idea how I would feel, dd is 9 months and bfed so not an issue for me at the moment, and while I hope that I can have some nights away in the future, I know it is going to be hard.

While I was pg I was thinking about going on holiday for a week and leaving my 7 month old with my mum. Ha ha, the thought of doing that now fills me with horror! But it's just the protective instinct kicking in isn't it?

Hey bumper . I do understand, becasue I wish I had managed to bf ds for as long as you.
But Op doesn't like Gp's spending time with her child. This is not just an issue about whether her ds stays over for a week - most of us agree that is too long, and I think she has had our confirmation that she is YANBU over this.
But I feel the discussion ha gone a bit further now.
She feels excluded, and is not able to enjoy even a lovely bath, or if they took him out for a walk. My mum used to take ds out in the pushcahir, whilst I slept.
Do you not think that this is cause for concern ?
God knows what these pils have done to Op, in the past, to make her feel this way.
We all need a break, don't we? But if you can't enjoy someone sharing your child, whilst you have a cup of tea, in peace, this this is surely a worry.

Mrstitlemouse Yes I think you are right about my situation being specific. Perhaps if me and MIL got on and she accepted me then it would be different (not sure still about a week away though, maybe weekend). I did try and offered her DD (when she was a baby) for full days at first (they used to live near) to take out but she would get stroppy and didn't like me suggesting it or suggesting times/possible days to her, it was her way or the highway and she never took DD then really even when we suggested it. I would consider letting the kids stay with her when they are teenagers.. as it is a 5 1/2 hr trip. I am quite happy for them to have a relationship with her as it is their g.parent at the end of the day. Luckily FIL is fab to make up for my MIL! (They are divorced and DH wasn't allowed to see him till he grew up).

The aim of this thread was for me to find out whether or not my feeling uncomfortable about letting DS go away for a whole week, aged 16 weeks, was reasonable or not.

Having read all the posts, for which I am really truly grateful , I think its fair to say that I am not being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable, but it might be a good idea to come up with a compromise solution.

I think that a good starting point would be to suggest that we go down for a weekend as normal, arriving on Friday then leave some time on Saturday and go out somewhere, just DH & I, stay away overnight and return to him on Sunday morning, ready for travel home Sunday afternoon.

I have a plan which takes a weight off my mind, thanks again to all .