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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to not want DS to go 'on holiday' to MIL & FIL for a week on his own...

88 replies

calsworld · 25/03/2008 21:56

..he's 16 months old, nearly.

Really, really stuck on this one and not sure what to make of it, they keep dropping hints and have asked DH about it but so far we've avoided giving an answer. DH is with me on not wanting him to go but think he's nervous of telling his folks.

I know they'll look after him in that he'll be safe - but it surely its too much to have him for such a long period? He gets a bit tetchy after a long day at nursery!

To give some perspective, we live 2.5 hours away, not five mins down the road so can't turn up in a hurry either.

And to get the selfish side out - I'll miss him terribly!

So what do you reckon. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
calsworld · 25/03/2008 22:27

Sorry, x posted - it took me ages to work out what to say.

Feeling quite reassured though. Thanks all for reading and responding. x

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 25/03/2008 22:28

Don't do it if you don't want to.
Esp if they don't know him.

My dd has never been anywhere without us (although mil has stayed here with her, which she didn't mind) and she's 4. She doesn't want to go so I won't make her.

WideWebWitch · 25/03/2008 22:29

and I think it's fine to say "maybe when he's older"

CarGirl · 25/03/2008 22:31

How about if they came to your house, his familiar environment and you trott off to a hotel/B&B nearby for one or 2 nights?

perpetualworrier · 25/03/2008 22:31

Could you all go to them for a few days and you and Dh have 1 night on your own at a hotel fairly close by? You get a lovely weekend and they get him to themselves for a more reasonable time.

I always try to check if I am over reacting to a MIL situation by asking myself "what would I think if it was my mum", but I do think a week is too long.

bozza · 25/03/2008 22:34

Well from what you tell me I would be happy for him to have an overnighter now. It sounds like they are good with him (not quite so good with you!) and are working on their relationship with him. So I would be happy for them to come on a Saturday morning and collect him to take back to theirs - maybe timing the drive for his naptime. Then you go up on Sunday arriving some time in the afternoon, staying for tea and then leaving.

jangly · 25/03/2008 22:42

I think he's too young. At 16 mths he still needs his mummy close at hand. And you could start up separation anxiety and then he won't want to be left when he's he's a bit older and should be ready for it.

beaniesteve · 25/03/2008 22:44

Not at 16 months. YANBU

OverMyDeadBody · 25/03/2008 22:52

YANBU. A whole week!

The longest I've left DS is 4 nights last summer when he was 4. That was really tough on both of us, even though he regularly stays overnight at my parents no problems.

I wouldn't think he'd be ready for a week away from me till he's at least 6 or 7.

susiecutiemincepies · 25/03/2008 23:03

I don't think that there is a 'prescribed' age. it is simply a case of when you feel comfortable.

My older sister left her youngest, who was 17 months at the time, for a week with my mum. DN loved her little break with her granny. I went over a lot to help out. Dsis went away for a week with the older 2 and her DH on a holiday which was not suitable for the littlest. At the time, I thought it a horrible thing to do! regardless of my feeling though, Freya was so happy. She was fine. It also really cemented her relationship with my mum. They were very close after it.

Also, it just not the same as leaving him at nursery, and getting upset at that He'd be with his grandparents who he will love, and get SO much attention from.

After the first night or so, I hate to tell you, but, he will just be happy with who he is with, and wont be thinking about you and his daddy.

So horrible I know, but i know that my DD ( 15 months) is perfectly happy staying with granny overnight, which she has had to do on a few occasions. She's always really pleased to see me again, ( thank god ) however, I know she just accepts who she's with, and is perfectly happy.

Always a good sign, of a well adjusted, secure child IMVHO.... Or, so i'm assured by my mum, when I wail " she doesnt love me at all, she never even misses me "

MrsTittleMouse · 26/03/2008 06:09

I think that it depends completely on the relationships between you, your ILs and your DS. My DD has stayed for a several days with my parents (not as long as a week). However, she sees them very regularly, and we built up gradually, so that it was never a big deal. I think that it's a useful thing to do, partly because it's lovely for children to have a relationship with their grandparents, and also because I know that if I suddenly had to go into hospital (I'm PG at the moment, so not out of the question), then DD could stay with GPs and it wouldn't be a big deal to her.

kitbit · 26/03/2008 08:00

16 months I think is too young to be without parents for a whole week. Overnight maybe, but not a whole week. My ds was going through separation anxiety at this time and any absence would have really distressed him. Plus in that time his usual routine will have lots of time to completely change whereas one night won't really affect it.
He's your baby, if you don't want to don't worry about saying no.

kayzisbroody · 26/03/2008 08:03

YANBU, but it wouldnt bother me.

We're going to London for 4 days in April and ds will be 13mo then and he is staying with my mum and her dp. He'll be safe, looked after and he'll have loads of fun.

I'll miss him like mad and I'll ring her everyday but we need a break and so does ds.

But it depends on how you feel. My mum has had him overnight loads of times so he is used to it.

FrannyandZooey · 26/03/2008 08:19

just say ' no thanks we would miss him too much'

Oblomov · 26/03/2008 08:22

I am absolutley astonished.
I can't believe that so many of you feel this way. And some of you it is not even PFB syndrome anymore.
Op said "under the guise of me having a rest", so do you think that they have an alterior nasty motive then.
Do you feel threatened by them ? Do you think that no one is capable of caring for your child properly other than you ? Because that is how you come across.
A week may be too long. But a few days, or atleast overnight does neither baby/toddler/parents or grandparents any harm. Infact god forbid, it maight actually do you some good.
You are too precious.

muppetgirl · 26/03/2008 08:29

We live 3hrs away from IL's (thank god) and it's not been the easiest of relationships shall we say. Ds 1 went to stay with them for a week at a time from about a year. It suits us all as we get a break (at the time we knew no one and and no support/time off so we're knackered) and MIL gets ds for a week without me cringing everytime she does anything. He goes to bed late, eats too much chocolate and gets his won way far too much but on the whole it's okay. Ds LOVES it and is always asking when he's next going. (About 3-4 times a year) Ds 2 is 20 weeks and he won't go till he's about a year, if she can still cope.

muppetgirl · 26/03/2008 08:31

Btw we went skiing last year and phoned ds 1 at least once everyday and he always said he was far too busy to talk to us.

...we came back with ds 2

Buda · 26/03/2008 08:37

YANBU. Your baby. It is up to you. It sounds like you feel that your PILs are more interested in your DS than in you - and they don't try to hide it. I would prob resent that a bit.

Would you feel any different if it was YOUR parents offering to have him?

I personally couldn't have done it at that age with my DS. He is now 6 and we still haven't left him really! He has done 2 sleepovers but also one that he wanted to come home (that was at my sisters) and one where he bottled it at the last minute. All fine.

I spent nights with my maternal grandmother a lot but the first time was a disaster as I was just too young - I was about a year I think and apparently I pined so much for my Mum that I didn't eat and my GM had to phone my parents to come home - and she was totally possessive of me so it must have been really bad for her to do that.

I think in a few months time when your DS is around 2 and can maybe understand a bit better you could try for one night. As others have suggested go to you PILs and stay for a night and go away for the second night.

I couldn't imagine being away from my DS for a week even now!

lizziemun · 26/03/2008 08:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

But I also think it is important that children get used to staying with other people without their parents IYKWIM. Speaking from personnel experience my cousin (now 11yrs) has missed out on school visits (her school do a 3 night away at a local camp about 20mins from school/home) but because she has never stayed anywhere other then with her parents she wouldn't go. It has only been in the last year that she has stayed with my mum for a few nights so she can get used to it. On the otherhand i have left both dd's overnight with my mum from about 8wks for the odd night when we have been going out.

I can honestly say DD1 (4.2yrs) will stay anywhere overnight and not be bothered. Every time we go in the In-Laws for dinner she asks if she can have a sleep over . But i doult very much that dd2 (nearly 7mths) will be the same as she is much more clingy and no near as independent as dd1 was at the same age.

Perhaps as a start could you and DH book a night in a local B&B take ds to your In-laws then spend the day at local attraction then have a nice meal and the pick ds up the following morning.

KatieScarlett2833 · 26/03/2008 08:43

My DS went to America with his GP's last year for a week, we flew out to join them for another 2 weeks. My boy was in tears at the airport when they came to meet us and said he had a good time but missed us terribly. He was 10.

YANBU, your baby is too young.

JodieG1 · 26/03/2008 08:51

I wouldn't let him go overnight even at that age. Plus I'm still bf ds2 (14 months) so it wouldn't be possible. No way a week, I would miss him far too much and he would miss me.

What's wrong with day visits?

widgypog · 26/03/2008 08:54

my parents want to take my dd(4) on holiday abroad with them. I have told them in no uncertain terms it is not going to happen. My parents are fab but they are in their 60's and I would not sleep. I am not a paranoid or worried person in any way but it is TOO much.
I have no qualms about telling them and they understand. My dd goes to my mums one day a week and they have a fantastic relationship but at 16 months and they live so far away I would be worried he would not undertsnad where you are.
I would say YANBU and you should just tell them how you feel. Its is best in the long run

sunnyshine · 26/03/2008 09:08

i have left my dd twice now for a week each time with parents and gone abroad. she is 3.5. she is a happy contented child with no seperation issues. i think it does both parties good to have this time.

BumperliciousAteTooManyEggs · 26/03/2008 09:12

I don't agree with oblomov, I don't think you sound like you think no-one else can look after him properly, nor like you think they have a nasty motive.

A week is a long time, blimey I hate being away from home for a week. Give over night or a couple of nights a try, you will probably really appreciate it. But at 16 months a week is far too long, how can you explain that to a 16 month old?! You are not being precious either, you are thinking about the affect that it will have on him, you and the ILs. A weekend is a good compromise.

bozza · 26/03/2008 09:15

I left my DD overnight with DH when she was still breastfed - she was probably about 10 months and only on one or two feeds a day. She was fine.