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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to not want DS to go 'on holiday' to MIL & FIL for a week on his own...

88 replies

calsworld · 25/03/2008 21:56

..he's 16 months old, nearly.

Really, really stuck on this one and not sure what to make of it, they keep dropping hints and have asked DH about it but so far we've avoided giving an answer. DH is with me on not wanting him to go but think he's nervous of telling his folks.

I know they'll look after him in that he'll be safe - but it surely its too much to have him for such a long period? He gets a bit tetchy after a long day at nursery!

To give some perspective, we live 2.5 hours away, not five mins down the road so can't turn up in a hurry either.

And to get the selfish side out - I'll miss him terribly!

So what do you reckon. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

bozza · 26/03/2008 13:38

I think sometimes there can be a bit of insecurity regarding ILs (even if they are nice ones as these sound to be) and a bit of a power struggle. This was how I was when DS was little. Now he is 7 I will be more than happy to send him off with them this Saturday lunchtime and collect him Sunday teatime, along with his little sister. I am going to go shopping for me.

bozza · 26/03/2008 13:43

Sounds like a good plan calsworld. And if they are at all reasonable they will be happy to see it as a starting point. Enjoy your time with DH!

HonoriaGlossop · 26/03/2008 13:55

That sounds like a good plan cals. Hope it goes well!

My IL's were like this, wanting ds to stay overnight even as a newborn! Now that he is five and would LOVE to have a sleepover, they don't offer

Oblomov · 26/03/2008 13:56

Hooray, a compromise. Mum gets a break. and mum can spend time with dh. Gp are happy. Sounds good to me.

alicet · 26/03/2008 14:08

calsworld that sounds like a great idea and just what I was going to suggest.

I think there is no right time. I think the right time is different for different people and depends on when you feel happy about it. Noone can tell you to be happy about it before you are ready. However you are bound to feel strange the first time you do it. Dh and I have gone away several times for 1 and 2 nights at a time since ds1 was 6 months and have just been away fro 3 nights leaving ds1 (now 2) and 2 (6 months) with my parents and they were both fine. I do think its important for you to have some time together as a couple without your ds but as to whether you are happy for a night out or a week away only you can decide. Dh and I always miss the boys like mad and spend most of the time away talking about them but at the same time really value the time together and the sleep !

FWIW I think it sounds as though you are great when you go to your il's. I try to do this too and I'm with you that I miss them more then in a funny way than I do if I go away!

marge2 · 26/03/2008 14:24

16 months far too young!

Do they actually know/remember what they are letting themselves in for wanting to look after a 16mnth old for a whole week? Nights and everything??

Elasticwoman · 26/03/2008 20:23

You are being neither unreasonable nor selfish in saying NO to letting your very young child out of the care of his parents overnight - never mind for a whole week. They have no right to expect it and you should say no firmly. No thank you.

rookiemater · 26/03/2008 21:02

Calsworld that sounds like a very good comrpomise. DS has spent the occasional night at his Grandparents since he was 10 weeks old ( it was our wedding anniversary and bf hadn't worked out). He enjoys his time there, my GPs enjoy looking after him and we enjoy the break and time to ourselves.

Having said this he is almost 2 and has only spent a total of about 10 nights away from us.

We once did a 3 night break because we wanted to visit somewhere more remote and that was definitely a night too long for all of us, we missed DS so much. Plus my mum, who in reality is the one who does 95% of all the looking after, found it a bit much.

Your PILs may think themselves capable of looking after your child for a week but they probably don't realise how exhausting it is and in reality would probably find 7 days and nights very hard work.

elkiedee · 26/03/2008 21:29

Not unreasonable, it sounds like you've thought of a good compromise. I would feel really uncomfortable in your situation but it's not likely to happen.

DP's mum isn't able to look after a baby on her own, as she's physically very frail and has just recently gone to live in a home - she's exactly 76 years older than DS.

My dad and mum have encouraged me to feel I can leave DS with them for a few hours but my dad wouldn't do a week and I think my mum would only do it for me because for some reason I had to ask that - I don't think I'd ask unless in a crisis, though I might at some point ask if he can stay overnight.

Distance is a factor as well - my dad lives nearby, my mum is 200 miles away and we don't drive. If my mum lived very close, I think I'd be more likely to ask her for the odd night. But at the moment I'd much sooner visit my mum myself too than do most other things!

I went to stay with my grandmother for a week when I was 3 (in Oxford, home in Leeds, mum abroad at a work conference) and enjoyed it but missed my mum greatly.

I wouldn't want to leave DS with anyone who made me feel that they'd sooner not have me around though.

Mungarra · 27/03/2008 10:14

I think 16 months is way too young to go away for a week. I would miss them too much.

Just tell the in-laws straight out that you don't want him to go yet. It's up to you when he goes. They don't have any 'right' to take their grandchild away from his mother. They have to wait until you're ready.

Tommy · 27/03/2008 10:19

my ILs had DS1 when he as 16m for 2 nights while we went to a wedding - it was far too long for me to be without him. (they were staying at our house with him)

Last summer they had both DSs (then 5.6 and nearly 4) to stay at their house overnight whihc was the first time. I think they could have managed another night but much longer than that at a young age is a bit hard IMO.

Mouselady · 27/03/2008 10:36

Not unreasonable at all. A week is a bit much at this age, and for the first time at any age!
Let me tell you my scam, you may pick up some hints.
'MIL could you come and stay with X at our house for two nights. We will leave when X is asleep on Friday night to go to local hotel. DH is treating me as my birthday. We will spend all day Saturday in the spa and have a lovely meal on Saturday night while X is safe here with you. We will return on Sunday morning'.
'Well DIL bring him here to stay then.'
'No, no, MIL, because when we return on Sunday morning we want to take you all for a lovely lunch. Just fancy really celebrating my birthday this year. Oh, you are a good MIL to me, you really are.'
This sort of thing has worked in many guises over the years (even hotels near MILs sometimes) and usually leaves everyone with some sense of satisfaction while building up to the day when I needed to say 'please - take him for the week!'

Elasticwoman · 28/03/2008 09:35

I must admit that we did leave dd2 at age 1 year with pil and sil while dh and I went away for 5 days. But we left her at our house with dd1 who was 3, which I think makes a difference. And it was at our, well dh's, request.

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