New baby after SIL lost hers

[TrishMB]

Hi, first time poster here. My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time, sadly she lost her baby. When she lost her baby, DH and I were very respectful, not discussing our pregnancy, not posting any scans/updates into family Wattsapp group, except on the day she was born, didn’t post anything on social media etc.
Since then the MIL has shut us out, had family dinners without inviting us and ignoring our baby. She even refused to hold her at one stage. It’s now been 3 months since she seen us and our children and we had a very close relationship, she even childminded our kids during the week while we worked. She’s blaming grief but I’m finding that hard to accept as I feel it’s unfair she’s punishing us for having our baby. Ignoring our other children is also unfair. Am I being unreasonable to not be understanding?

How awful for everyone. She must be devastated for her DD, and for herself as well. But upsetting for you too of course to lose that close relationship, for now anyway. The timelines aren't clear in your post, but I think the baby's death must be recent?

I don't think there's much you can do tbh OP, get your DH to gently encourage her round for short visits.

But the loss of a baby or child really can be like a bomb to the family and it can take a while to settle.

This is your DH sister right? I think it’s going to take time for the pain to settle to be honest. Not that it excuses your MiL not fussing over your baby.

It is awful, of course. The loss was 6 months ago. We’ve experienced multiple losses ourselves so we totally get it. We’re just very hurt that the MIL has missed out on the precious first few months of our new babies life and that’s she’s excluding us from family events, like she’s punishing us. She is quite a narcissist in general anyway so it would be like her to punish and be bitter. The SIL has 5 other children, ours is after multiple losses so I guess I am disappointed she’s not more happy for us

I've been where your SIL is and it's extremely hard. I'm sorry you are feeling like this but you need to explain to your child why the rest of the family is sad and that you need to give them time.

Just checking, it’s your mil not your sil who refused to hold the baby and who is shutting you out?

Explain to a 4 month old? My other child is 2, she’s too young to explain to. I have also been where my SIL is, 4 times. Which is why we were so understanding, sensitive and respectful when it happened but I feel 3 months of not seeing or asking after your grandchildren is a unacceptable

is it your MIL or SIL who’s shut you out?

What sort of loss are you talking about OP? When I read your OP I assumed a still birth but your later posts seem more like a miscarriage?

but I feel 3 months of not seeing or asking after your grandchildren is a unacceptable

but why do you care? and by that i mean… if someone doesn’t want to see my children, I don’t want them damn well in the vicinity of them and i sure as heck wouldn’t be pushing it

It's irrelevant how many children SIL has, any loss is devastating, as you clearly know too. Really the issue is that your MIL has weaponised your DC's birth to push you all out. Has your DH tried confronting her?

It's narcissistic that MIL is centering her own feelings like that. I could understand SIL not holding the baby of course but the MIL should be able to suck it up.

How is the 2 year old reacting? If my MIL suddenly wanted nothing to do with us my 2 year old would really miss her!

Yes the MIL

she how’s the SIL with you?

and why do you want this woman to be i. your children’s lives? that’s what i’m baffled about. She shown her true character. And it’s bloody unpleasant

Exactly that, she’s asking where her nanny is all the time. Nanny minded her and her cousin together so she hasn’t seen the cousin either (he’s the child of the same SIL) and she keeps asking to see them. That’s what makes me so angry.

How is your SIL with you is she the same?

Miscarriages

Oh I hear you, but it’s because my 2yo is asking. And it’s hurtful that MIL could be so cruel

what’s stopping you from getting together with SIL and cousins?

Get together with her cousins then.

But no way would i be wanting to leave my child alone with this woman in future. she has revealed herself

Could you have the cousin over for a play date?

Not that that really solves the underlying issue of course.

What does DH make of it all?

I dont understand how she could have suddenly shut you out without a conversation. Wasn't there a discussion when she said wouldn't look after the 2 year old anymore? What has your DH said?

Your DD is 2, she will soon stop asking and won't remember being close to her grandmother.

I agree with other posters, your MIL has shown her true colours, keep your distance.

I’m on Mat leave so didn’t need her to look after 2yo. Although she was taking her 1 day a week up until Xmas. She would text me on a Sunday to tell me what days she could do that week. She stopped doing this. We spent Xmas at theirs with all the family, including the SIL and it was very awkward. That’s when MiL refused to hold baby. I haven’t heard from SIL since and we were close.

@TrishMB You can't put a deadline on grief. You know that yourself so let SiL mourn her loss in her own way and in her own time.

Mil on the other hand is showing her true colours. She is allowed to be sad and mourn the loss of her 6th grandchild but to 'punish' your DD and new baby by pulling back from a formerly close relationship is not on. Especially if she's still minding one of SiL's kids!

Focus your DD and new baby on your half of the family since MiL is showing you that your children don't matter as much as SiL's 4 kids whom I doubt are also seeing less of their Gran.

Contact your SIL and tell her you're thinking of her often, but would love to see her if/when she feels able, and/or have her child around for a playdate -- that way you're signally affection, thoughtfulness and that the door is open as far as you're concerned.