New baby after SIL lost hers

[TrishMB]

Hi, first time poster here. My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time, sadly she lost her baby. When she lost her baby, DH and I were very respectful, not discussing our pregnancy, not posting any scans/updates into family Wattsapp group, except on the day she was born, didn’t post anything on social media etc.
Since then the MIL has shut us out, had family dinners without inviting us and ignoring our baby. She even refused to hold her at one stage. It’s now been 3 months since she seen us and our children and we had a very close relationship, she even childminded our kids during the week while we worked. She’s blaming grief but I’m finding that hard to accept as I feel it’s unfair she’s punishing us for having our baby. Ignoring our other children is also unfair. Am I being unreasonable to not be understanding?

Did SIL or MIL ever send you a gift or anything like that?

I would guess that jealousy is at play here. MIL is jealous that everything is going well for you while her own DD is having a really hard time, and she can't stand it. She can't stand to see someone else happy while her own DD is struggling. And she probably has zero boundaries and is quite self centred (I think we overuse the word narcissist) so feels all the feelings as though they are her own.

It's not rational and it's not acceptable behaviour, but I would guess that's why she's behaving the way she is.

It's very hurtful, and it's really sad that you anticipated a support network who have failed to show up for you. MIL won't get that time back with baby grandchild and your relationship will never be the same. Sorry, OP. I hope you start to build your village elsewhere.

i’ve asked a few times… no response 🤷

Actually I think MIL and SIL are being unreasonable now. I was pregnant at the same time as a good friend, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and she went on to have a healthy baby. Yes it was hard but I was also happy for my friend and wouldn't have dreamt of punishing her for being the one who had a baby! Similarly my SIL had a miscarriage while I was pregnant with DD, must have been awful for her but she was still happy for us when DD was born, came to visit etc.
Sometimes life is hard and unfair but you have to deal with it and do the right thing. these two sound very self centered

@Soubriquet I'm sorry for your loss. Part of your post has confused me, do you mean there's a 6 month age gap between your daughter and HER uncle? Not your uncle?

[embarassed] yes. Not my uncle, my brother!

I’m on Mat leave so didn’t need her to look after 2yo. Although she was taking her 1 day a week up until Xmas. She would text me on a Sunday to tell me what days she could do that week. She stopped doing this. We spent Xmas at theirs with all the family, including the SIL and it was very awkward. That’s when MiL refused to hold baby. I haven’t heard from SIL since and we were close.

@TrishMB So, seems to me, reading your posts, that something else also actually happened, at Xmas. Can't you think of anything that was said/done which has caused MIL to pull back? Where, exactly, did the awkwardness come in? Obviously SIL would have known that you were bringing the baby and thought she could handle it, but it does sound like there is more to this reaction by MIL than you are saying?

Did she ignore SIL's children when you had similar losses?

Maybe the MIL didn't want to hold your baby in front of her daughter, who'd lost hers.
Must have been quite painful for you, but equally hard for the SIL to watch her mum with a grandchild she'd wished to have given her as well.
Perhaps in her mind it was best to refuse at that time.

I lost a baby last year and know to well how much it hurts , 2 of my Mils went on to have a baby and one about to have a baby in a few weeks and I admit it hurts , but there is no way I hell I would ever not wish them all the best , buy presents for the babies and not be there for them . It’s not your fault , at some stage this will come up and you need to let her know her behaviour is wrong .

Sounds like MIL is a grief vulture. She doesn't really care about the loss, she only wants to centre her own feelings.

Don't let her back into your daughter's life.

Agreed.

I could understand if this was the SIL but the MIL is bizarre and cruel to the OP's eldest child. I wouldn't foster any other kind of relationship with her and certainly not her and my children