New baby after SIL lost hers

[TrishMB]

Hi, first time poster here. My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time, sadly she lost her baby. When she lost her baby, DH and I were very respectful, not discussing our pregnancy, not posting any scans/updates into family Wattsapp group, except on the day she was born, didn’t post anything on social media etc.
Since then the MIL has shut us out, had family dinners without inviting us and ignoring our baby. She even refused to hold her at one stage. It’s now been 3 months since she seen us and our children and we had a very close relationship, she even childminded our kids during the week while we worked. She’s blaming grief but I’m finding that hard to accept as I feel it’s unfair she’s punishing us for having our baby. Ignoring our other children is also unfair. Am I being unreasonable to not be understanding?

Ok. So MIL is a narcissist but you are hurt that she has missed out on valuable time with your baby?

MIL is not worried about missing time with your baby. There’s no need for you to be worried for her.

Is there something more to this story?

But yes, there is always drama in this family, and always caused by the MiL. She’s a narcissist for sure, and you wouldn’t believe half the things she’s done on her own kids and grandkids! She’s fallen out with everyone of her kids at once stage due to them not “doing what they’re told”

so the truly bizarre thing is that you used her as a child minder for you baby, and you’re now upset/angry that she’s not in contact.

It's a strange reaction from mil tbh. I can understand being upset but it's extreme and beyond normal. I would ignore her completely.

i think we can be fairly confident that there is lot more going on here, that the Op may not be willing to divulge because it will paint the situation in a rather different light

Agreed 👍

It’s up to your MIL if she wants to see your baby or not. I know it must be difficult but you just have to move on. Your DD will eventually stop asking after her.

Ok 👍

I don't think she can love and care about you much. There are other ways she could have shown that sensitively. If she comes back, careful she doesn't damage your child by disappearing again.

I have had miscarriages at 12 and 13 weeks and there was a huge difference between the 2. Also when you get past 12 weeks you think you are out of the risky stage. My milk came in after the 13 week miscarriage. I was devastated for a long time after both. Neither my parents or in-laws were particularly upset though and they certainly didn't go around ignoring other family members babies. So I think your SIL's behaviour is understandable but your MIL is being unreasonable.

I personally wouldn’t be too willing to accept either of them especially Mil back into my little family when she decides the time is right. So confusing for your children.

yes it’s a shame what’s happened and I can understand why sil is struggling but mil can still be there to support her daughter aswell as her sons family,

but you could say to the 2 year old that Nanny can't come round because she is sad at the moment.

Absolutely do not do this. There is no need to put MiL emotions on a 2 year old, especially ones she’s quite frankly grief-vultured at this point. Miscarriages are horrific, and yes it can be tough to be around babies when you still feel so raw about losing your own. But this isn’t the MiLs loss, and whilst it’s understandable she feels so deeply for her daughter her behaviour is borderline ridiculous at this point. It’s not like the op is making some sort of song and dance about MiL still having a small baby to cuddle, pictures everywhere, showing completely lack of empathy for SiL. Expecting a basic familial relationship is not something the op should tiptoe around in this situation nor have to explain to her daughter that grandma is having ‘sad feelings’ about something that happened to someone else so may not visit anytime soon.

My mother was pregnant at the same time as I was. I found out, called her and she called me back later saying she was too. She felt weird so did a test.

I lost mine a few weeks later whilst she went on to have a healthy pregnancy. I got pregnant again 3 months later. There’s a 6 month gap between my dd and my uncle.

I gave her full congrats and what not because it wasn’t her fault I lost my baby. Yes I was upset and it took me a couple of weeks to grieve but it happened.

Your MiL is being unreasonable

How unkind to your little baby who is brand new in the world and already bearing the brunt of a ridiculous, ego-driven, drawn out tantrum carried out by adults who are emotionally inept. I’m so sorry for you OP.
What a joyful arrival. You now have 2 blessings and this is the response? Unbelievable!

I understand grief. Big time. I’ve had miscarriages and a stillborn daughter, so yes, of course it’s sensitive and all the rest. But this isn’t grief. This beyond that. This is cruel. And at this stage, it’s unforgivable. It’s such a powerful message to you on your in law’s part. Be wise and never forget this.

What hurts your SIL is also what will heal her: Life moves on.
And that’s just straight up truth.
She will heal. But at what cost?

Your children should not carry adults’ hostility. I’d give nanny the big swerve. This isn’t love on her part.

What @SerenityNowInsanityLater said.

Your MIL shouldn't be making your new baby and 2 year old suffer for her inability to manage her emotions.

It's not your fault that your SIL miscarried yet she seems to think it is.

I would completely ignore your MIL.
Reach out to your SIL and ask her how she is doing [she's got to be busy with 5 kids already]. Tell her your DD is missing her cousin and would she be up for a playdate at yours or a meet up somewhere? That's it's also an opportunity to introduce her to baby X if she feels ready. That you understand from your own experience how hard it can be and if she's not ready yet, that's fine. Reach out when she'd like to catch up. Perhaps over the Easter holidays if it ever stops raining.

Then leave it. No-one can say later that you haven't tried. Move on with life in your own small family.

You can't change your MIL and SIL feelings or reactions. People do grieve differently and the fact that she has other children won't make this loss any less painful. You don't seem to like or have a particularly good relationship with your MIL anyway so I would just concentrate on your own little family and leave them to grieve in their own way. Ultimately, it's their loss if they don't end up having a close relationship with your children.

I think they've done you a favour. Be glad you're rid of them both before your two year old is hurt by mil since she upsets everyone.
Sort out childcare for when/if you return to work and be done with it.

I don’t know if I am the only one but I find this sort of comment (and previous ones you’ve made) a bit vulgar.

A loss is a loss, regardless of how many children you have. I imagine if you’ve conveyed that thought to MiL it’s not surprising she doesn’t want to see you ATM.

Everyone reacts to a loss differently and this isn’t about you - it’s about SIL who is experiencing her first loss.

14 weeks is still miscarriage territory. Late miscarriage but not a still birth.

this isn’t to diminish how she is feeling. I’ve had 6 losses from 8 - 16 weeks for all of them and the grieving was the same. The process very similar (one needed a D&C)

but it wasn’t a stillbirth. Stillbirth is very very different as you have to go through Labour and birth iyswim.

when I read your op I did think ouch yes that’s bad as you held a living baby and she held her still born and I’d get the pushing away. But not with this having been there myself.

this is just …. Odd

i think your best bet is to accept life without the in-laws. Discuss with your DH how he is feeling about this and make an active decision about contact not a passive one where you’re being pushed out.

I think they're both behaving badly. I appreciate the SIL has had a miscarriage & that's sad but life does go on. She can't keep taking her loss out on other people.

As for the MIL she should be ashamed. Yes her daughter miscarried but her son has a new baby she's ignoring. She's grieving for a baby she never knew rather than enjoying the new one in her family

Does she always make things about her

Are you sure they're not using SIL's loss as an excuse and that something else actually happened?

💐 it's hard, I understand you. Someone you have previously had a good relationship has just ghosted you.

But, could this be a case of loyalty?
She might feel awkward if she goes and sees baby and actually find some joy in having this grand child.

Best is to get DH on board, get him to talk to his mum and sister. Get him to take the 2y old for a spontaneous visit... MIL will soon relise what she's missing!

I was in your SIL situation. Our due dates were only a few weeks apart and seeing this child, is a constant reminder of what I have lost. Even though I have had a my own beautiful baby 18 months later...

They're both being unreasonable. MIL is being ridiculous. SIL I get it would be painful to see you but there is nothing stopping her dropping you a text. I'm not saying weekly but once a month maybe wouldn't hurt anyone. You sound like you've been considerate since her loss so it isn't as though you're going to start sending her pictures and updates of your baby. It's a shame if you were close before like you say.
I'd keep my distance. I'm not saying go NC but I honestly wouldn't bother making the effort at any point in the future.

MIL is being an absolute arse. Take this as an opportunity to be shot of her and her dramatics forever.

If you think she's a narcissist and she creates that much drama, why do you trust her to look after your child?